Never Be Lied to Again (13 page)

D I R E C T I N G T H E C O N V E R S A T I O N

You can steer a conversation in any direction that you choose. Take this example. Let's say that while you are at a friend's house, she shows you her brand-new dining room table. If you want to know if it was really expensive, would asking directly be your best bet? Usually not, because she may get a little defensive. But if you said to your friend that it's the most gorgeous table you have ever seen, what might she respond with? You guessed it—how expensive it was! If you said, "This looks like it cost a fortune. How could you spend so much on a table?" what response might you get? She would tell you about its quality and the craftsmanship that went into it. When you say it's expensive, she'll talk about the quality. If you say that it looks beautiful, she'll tell you about the cost. By asking the right questions you can steer the conversation in any direction you want and elicit the information that you need.

You can also control the mode of the response as well.

Have you ever noticed the ritual that takes place when you pass someone in the hall or on the elevator? You smile, she smiles. You smile and nod, she smiles and nods. You give a hello, and then she will usually speak as well.

The one who responds to the situation first is the one who controls the mode of the exchange.

The same goes for the pace of a conversation. Try this on your own. Ask someone an open-ended question—a question that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no—

slowly and deliberately. Watch how the other person takes his time to respond. Then ask a question speaking quickly, and the answer is sure to be paced at a similar rate.

In order to best detect deceit you may want to guide the conversation in a particular direction. You can do this very efficiently with just a few well-chosen words. After he makes a statement, you can use the following key words to direct the flow of information in any way that you choose. They can be used to extract information from any conversation.

1.
Meaning . . .
Saying this word after he speaks directs his thinking and the conversation toward the larger picture, giving you a better look at his overall position. He will offer the reason for the position he's taken.

Example I

"I'm the highest-paid person at this institution."

"Meaning?"

"That I'm the only one with the experience and education to do this job. I've worked my way up the ladder over a fifteen-year period."

Example II

"I'm in charge of the entire operation."

"Meaning?"

"That the boss put me in charge when he left. If you've got any problems, you'll have to deal with me."

2.
And . . .
This one-word response gives you more lateral information. You'll be able to gather additional facts related to his position.

Example I

"I'm sorry, but that's the best we can do."

"And . . ."

"The offer is as it stands. We've looked at the pricing schedule and delivery options three times."

Example II
"I'm in charge of the entire operation."

"And . . ."

"That means everything—inventory, scheduling, and employee relations."

3.
So . . .
This response makes him get more specific, giving you the details of his position.

Example I

"I offer the best level of medical care you can get."

"So . . ."

"If you came to me, I'd give you a full blood workup and x-rays as just part of the standard check-up."

Example II

"Our company guarantees you job security."

"So . . ."

"If you ever had to take a leave of absence, your job would be here for you."

4.
Now . . .
This response makes him translate his position into a specific action. He will proceed to tell you exactly what he means and how it applies to you.

Example I

"Our policy is to stand behind our shareholders."

"Now . . . "

"You can either follow us or go out on your own. It's up to you."

Example II

"We offer the best guarantee in the business."

"Now . . ."

"You can sign here, and we'll get the paperwork going."

G E T T I N G S P E C I F I C

Sometimes you'll get an answer, but it doesn't do you much good. Here are some great ways for narrowing a vague response to give you a more direct, truthful answer. The two main areas regard thoughts and actions. The following responses show how to draw out a specific answer.

I. In Response to an Opinion or Belief

Example
I

'
I don't think the meeting went very well.
"

"How come?" (broad response)

"I just don't, all right?!"

Some responses will produce a more productive response:

"Compared with what?" "How poorly did it go?"

If you ask for clarification, the person feels more obligated to respond. Asking a broad question in response to a general statement just produces more of the same.

II. In Response to a Reluctance to Commit
Example A

"I don't know f I could."

"What do you mean, you don't know?" (broad
response)

“I just don’t know, all right?”
Example B

"I don't know if I could."

"Why can't you?" (broad response)

"I don't know. I just can't.
"

Some responses will produce a more productive response:

"What, specifically^, prevents you?" "What would have
to happen for you to be able to?" "What would change
if you did?"

Do you see how specific responses narrow the answer?

Use this technique whenever you want to clarify a broad or ambiguous answer.

LET THE TRUTH BE TOLD

What simple words work better than any others? These three do:

Because:
We're programmed to accept an explanation as valid if it follows this word.

Let's:
This word generates a group atmosphere and ini-tiates the bandwagon effect. It's a positive word that creates action.

Try:
This little word is a powerful motivator because it implies that you will be unsuccessful, so it instils a "what's the harm" mentality. We all love to try things. The following sentence uses all three words in a construction that makes absolutely no sense, yet seems like it should.

"Let's give it a try because if it doesn't work we can always go back to the way it was. "

Clearly you haven't introduced any reason for the person to take action. Yet it seems to make sense just the same.

A person will get defensive only if he feels he's under attack, so why attack? Let's look at the benefits of using these words to get to the truth.

"Did you take five dollars from petty cash?"

"Why did you take five dollars from petty cash?"

"Stop taking money from petty cash!"

What do all these phrases have in common? They're all accusatory and likely to produce an automatic "I didn't do it" response. If you wanted to know if he took the money, simply say, "The money that we take from petty cash? Let's try to keep it fewer than ten dollars at a time, because it works out better that way." Do you see how kind this statement is? It's easier to get to the truth because no one feels like he has to defend himself.

Use these words—
because, let's
, and
try
—whenever you want to gain information without sounding accusatory or demanding.

TAKING CONTROL

Now you're fully equipped to get the truth from any situation or conversation. But you can't operate if you can't get a word in edgewise. If you're in a situation where you are unable to speak because the person keeps talking or interrupting, the following are some great ways to get the floor.

These seventeen zingers will stun them into silence. Use whichever one(s) you feel are most appropriate for the situation. They play on two susceptible angles of human nature—ego and curiosity.

1. "You're a smart person; let me ask you a question."

2. "Let me get your opinion on something."

3. "May I be the first person in your presence to finish a sentence?"

4. "Don't show your ignorance by interrupting."

5. "I'm sorry if the facts conflict with your opinion, but I would like to know . . . "

6. "Maybe you can help me with something."

7. "I know that you would want me to ask you this."

8. "You're the only person who would know the answer to this."

9. "I hope this news doesn't upset you."

10. "Before you say anything else, answer this question."

11. "I want to give my full attention to what you're saying, so let me just get this out of the way."

12. "I hope this doesn't offend you, but. . . "

13. "I don't want you to miss this."

14. "This is the last time you'll hear this."

15. "Do you have a good memory? Great, then you won't forget this."

16. "I'm sorry if the middle of my sentence ran into the beginning of yours."

17. "Along those lines . . ." It's easy to change the conversation when you begin with the other person's last thoughts.

P A R T

4

M I N D G A M E S

'I am different from Washington, I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not tell a lie.

I can lie, but I won't."

—MARK TWAIN

This section gives you two very powerful tools. The first shows you how to avoid being lied to in the first place. In the second, you will learn how to find out a person's true intention in any situation.

A S T R O N G D E F E N C E : A V O I D I N G T H E L I E

As the saying goes, the best defence is a good offence. Once you've been lied to, you can easily get to the truth with the techniques that you've learned.

However, the best time to deal with a lie is before it turns into one. Confused? This may help. The following is a technique for cutting a suspicion off at the pass before it turns into deception.

Method 1

This is the method you use when you want the truth as it relates to a person's previous behaviour. Here is a possible scenario: a parent suspects that her twelve-year-old son is smoking cigarettes. The following approaches are listed in order from worst to best.

a. "Have you been smoking cigarettes? I'm gonna kill you if I find out you have." This approach is awful, but unfortunately it is the most common. In her anger, the boy's

mother links confessing to the truth with punishment.

This destroys any incentive to confess. She is likely to be lied to.

b. "You've been smoking, haven't you?" This approach

is a little better because the mother indicates that she has

some type of proof or evidence. Such an approach will work

sometimes. The child may not want to add lying to his al

ready reprehensible act of smoking.

c. "I want to speak to you about your smoking."

This is

what I call a forward assumptive approach. The child feels

that the parent already knows he is smoking. The focus of

the request is on discussing it. The parent may get a response such as "I don't want to talk about it."

However,

the truth is revealed in that statement.

d. "I know all about the smoking and the sneaking

around. You know I'm not happy about that, but I just want

you to promise me that you won't drink alcohol until you're

twenty-one."

This is by far the finest approach because it works on so many levels. First, it takes a forward assumptive stance— the parent "knows all about the smoking."

Second, it uses two truisms (see part 5). The phrases

"sneaking around" and "you know I'm not happy about that" set the tone for honesty. The child hears two things that he knows to be true: He was sneaking around and his mother is unhappy about his smoking.

He is therefore willing to accept at face value what follows. Third, the mother gives her son an easy out.

All he has to do is promise not to drink and he's home free. There's no threat or punishment, just honest statements followed by a deal that he believes to be true as well.

The guidelines to keep in mind for this procedure are as

follows:

1. Assume your suspicion as fact.

2. State at least two truisms (facts that you both know to

be true).

3. Switch the focus from a threat to a request.

4. The request should be easy for him to accept and sound

reasonable.

Method 2

This method is used when you want the truth as it relates to a new decision. It is a simple but highly effective strategy to avoid being deceived. Oftentimes someone wants to tell us the truth, but it's easier to tell a lie instead. The person knows the answer you want to hear and will give it to you whether he believes it or not.

However, if he doesn't know what you want, then he won't be able to deceive you. Read the following examples and notice how well the second phrasing masks your true question.

• "We're restructuring some positions. How would you like

to work directly under me in finance?" Or "We're moving

some people around. Would you prefer to get more experience in finance or marketing?"

• "Would you like me to cook for you tonight?" Or

"Do

you feel like eating in or out tonight?"

• "I'm thinking of asking Rhonda out. What do you think of her?" Or "What do you think of Rhonda?"

To use this technique, just make sure that when you phrase the question you mask your preference, and the respondent will give you an honest answer.

K N O W T H Y E N E M Y : K N O W I N G T H E