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Authors: C.M. Kars

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BOOK: Never Been Loved
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It sits in my gut like a live fire, burning everything I am, everything I have in me, and taunts me with the image of her face on the little kid she gave birth to. Matty.

Fuck.

Just
fuck
.

I pick up dirty clothes off the floor, arrange my meagre belongings into a small semblance of order. S’all I have in my apartment – what little my life has brought me to this point. You can’t really tell if I live here, but you know a little kid does, and I’m not okay with that.

My phones buzzes again; Aly’s getting impatient, which means she’ll take her time with me when I just want a quick fuck. She’s going to demand to come over, to stay the night when we both know it’s not something I like to do, especially with the kid around. She’s going to punish me for making her wait.

I change my game-plan around, and call Eddie to tell him that Matty needs to stay the night. The kid has an extra set of toys, movies, and clothes over at Mom’s place, so I don’t need to go over again, thank God.

When I’m sure I’m ready and the place looks okay, I ignore the sinking feeling in my gut as I lock up. I look at the babe’s door, wonder what she’s doing behind it, if she’s still reading that book. I shake my head at my stupidity and make my way towards the elevator.

I need to get her out of my head – a woman like that, she’s not for me.

Twenty minutes later I’m at Aly’s front door, and she’s waiting outside for me. She struts towards my car, exaggerating her walk as her hips cock out each time, and fuck if I don’t notice.

Tight jeans, tighter top pulled low enough to show the top edge of her lacy bra, red hair curled to perfection, lips painted red, eyes rimmed with a shit-ton of makeup. Not my favourite look, but she looks like what she’s saying with every inch of her body and the way her lips are sucking at the lollipop in her mouth – a good time. And I’m the lucky guy she’s going to spend the next few hours with.

“What took you so long?” she says as a way of hello once she gets in my car. Before she even puts her belt on and I put the car into gear, she twists around to get a look at the empty car seat in the back.

My dick hurts and my blood’s on fire. We both know she’s calling the shots, and I won’t be with anyone else. I tried that, and I’m better off alone.

“I had to drop Matty off, all right?” I strangle the steering wheel as I head back to my place.

“And you’re...okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I tell her, trying to concentrate on the road and ignore the hollow feeling in my chest.

Even after all this time we’ve known each other, Aly still doesn’t get it.

She pulls down the visor and flips open the mirror, trailing that lollipop across her mouth. I break out into a sweat, my dick pounding so hard, I might just come in my pants. The relief I gave myself in the shower hasn’t helped all that much, and barely took the edge off.

“No, I mean... you’re okay?”

I narrow my eyes at the road, then turn and give her a look. “My sugar’s fine, Aly. I wouldn’t’ve come otherwise.”

“Right, baby. Like you can keep away from me.” She chuckles deep in her throat, the sound triggering the memories we’ve made in my bed. She was the first, the one I lost my virginity to before I was sick, before my whole life went to shit. Ten years down the road and neither of us has moved forward. We’re still stuck together. The thought of my future being with her does odd things to my insides.

“Hmmmm,” she sighs, and out of the corner of my eye I can see her hand trailing along her collarbones, dipping into her cleavage. I’m throttling the steering wheel now and the leather groans in retaliation. “I wonder what we can do to pass the time?”

I bite down on my back molars and stare straight ahead. Yeah, she’s used her mouth on me before when I’d been driving, but as the years have gone by I find myself no longer taking chances – I need to take care of Matty.

Responsibility crushes down on my shoulders and hollows out my gut. I push the fucker back with all my mental will, and concentrate on the pain in my dick, the throb that’s going to ease when we get back to my bed.

“Are you primed for me?” I ask.

Aly moans, but I refuse to look at her. She knows she’s got me all riled up and I’m fucking pissed off because of it, because she
knows
I have to take care of someone else and can’t just think of myself. She’s selfish that way.

I would love to tell her to tongue and lick me as I drive over to my place. Fuck, my dick is begging me to, but I can’t, I won’t. And she
knows
, no matter how many times we’ve done it before, how many times she’s tried this, the answer is always no. For three years it’s been no.

Like a match has been struck at the base of my spine, I feel the heat explode at the bottom of my skull. My dick wants in her
now
and he doesn’t want to wait. But I’m used to punishing myself, and pain is a friend of mine.

“Yeah, baby. I’m dripping.
Please
,” Aly moans, the same kind of grating sound the porn-stars use and it feels just as real.

“Touch yourself again for me, but don’t make a sound. Understood?”

I glance at her to see her hands unbuttoning her jeans, knees on either side of the dashboard as the zipper tab is pulled down. Good. I turn my head to the road again, and torture myself with the sound of her coming as soon as we pull into the indoor parking lot of my building. She doesn’t cry out my name.

When we’re in my apartment, I get tackled to the bed as she nibbles and sucks her way down my body, clothes now discarded on the floor. Aly sheathes me in a condom as she gets on top and does what she does best.

I come like a good boy, like the dog I am, and stumble into the kitchen to throw out the condom and nab some apple juice after we’re done. I drink down half a juice box just to be safe in case she wants round two anytime soon.

Apple juice and condoms. Nice, MacLaine, real fucking nice.

I let my body cool down, waiting for my recovery until the palms that hit my back and come forward to claw along my belly have my dick inflating again like a good little trained animal. It knows when pussy is near, doesn’t care if she’s a bitch or not.

So I won’t care either.

In the darkness of my bedroom, in my too quiet apartment with Aly sleeping on the other side stealing all the damn sheets, I stare at the ceiling and ignore the hot shame that builds in my chest like someone’s taken a blowtorch to it. The silence is because Matty isn’t here, the lack of his soft puffs of breath when he’s asleep.

I’m a bad dad. I should get an award.

I finally close my eyes, and get my pillow into the perfect shape, ignoring Aly’s soft snores or the temptation of her naked body. She doesn’t like to be woken up from a dead sleep and I’m spent anyway.

In the safety of the darkness of my eyelids, and the silence in my apartment, my dumb brain decides to bring up the question it’s unconsciously been thinking about all fucking day.

Who
is
Ponyboy Curtis? And can I take him in a fight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

I ignore the hollow feeling in my gut, and head out to do the one thing I don’t want to do.

I lock up, not bothering to even make coffee for Aly. She can do it herself, not like she hasn’t been over a million times to know where I keep everything. I rub my head, hating that I have to go pick up the kid, and all the shit he’s going to give me for making him sleep over at his grandma’s. Fuck.

Oh, Christ.

The babe from next door locks up next to me and I freeze, caught in some sort of paralysis when I want to go ahead and say hi, welcome her to the building or some shit. Although I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t even tempt myself with someone like her.

Surprise, surprise, her nose is in a book. The same one from yesterday ’cause the cover looks familiar, with the smallest amount of pages to go to the end.

She pays no attention to me, almost as if I was a wad of blackened gum on a sidewalk – just background noise to the eyes, and hardly worth walking around. I’m just there, like I should be. I have no business talking to her. But fuck, she should at least be paying attention to any kind of non-normal activity.

Oh, how like you’re just staring at her?

She’s completely oblivious, instead aiming and missing several times before she gets the elevator down button to light up. I watch like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen. Damn it, that fucking book is starting to piss me off. What the hell is she reading? It’s like the words on the pages are magnets and she can’t take her eyes off of them.

There’s nothing special about her. She doesn’t rock out her body like she knows what she has going on. She stands with most of her weight settled on one leg, the other cocked at the knee. As I get closer to her, I notice her sneakers. Converse, like yesterday, but the shade of blue is almost eye-searing, and I think I see a rectangular blue box where the stars are supposed to be.

Maybe my sugar isn’t so good right now, and I’m seeing things. Doesn’t matter, s’not like I can comment on anything she’s wearing.

I do sort of wish she’d turn around so I can see what shirt she has on. See who she’s given her heart to today. She doesn’t, but I follow her in the elevator and watch again as she goes into a corner, turns around to face the door, and jabs the RC button to get us down to the lobby, barely glancing up to make sure the thing is lit.

The doors take their time closing, leaving a pause between the button pushing and the doors moving, as if testing all the busy people in the world, forcing them to take a few minutes to calm down.

I don’t move forward to press the basement button, instead, I’m gonna be a sick pervert and just watch her...out of the corner of my eye. I’m not a sick bastard, but I just want to make sure she gets to where she’s going, that she’ll be safe. Fuck, I don’t even have the balls to ask her what she’s reading, or where she’s going.

I just really don’t want to go pick up the kid. I can hear him now, whining and crying because I didn’t pick him up last night. I’ll have to bribe him with a movie he wants to see and some junk food that’s going to spike his sugars, but I don’t know what else to do.

My jaw cracks, and I hadn’t even realized I’d been clenching my teeth together. Nice. I don’t have the money to go to the dentist if I’ve gone and split a tooth. Who knew having a kid was going to make me want to kill myself?

The elevator crawls its way down to the lobby, and I watch the babe from next door, wondering what her name is. With my fucking luck her name’ll be Aly or some version of it, and I’m going to have her stuck in my brain whenever
my
Aly wants to fuck. Not that that’s a bad thing.

I’m sure Red enjoys her own fantasies when we’re in bed together. Not that I can bring myself to care.

Shit. She’s gone and bitten the knuckle of her index finger again, and she’s rocking her weight from heels to toes, back and forth, back and forth, making parts of her jiggle. Making me think of what she’d look like riding me, breasts swaying, the sexiest part of her taking that part of me in her body

Christ, I just got laid. Now my dick’s twitching again, starting to pound with that itch only a female can scratch for me. What if I were to push her into the corner, make her drop that fucking book to the ground and
look
at me? What colour would her eyes be? What would her lips taste like? Cherry, bubblegum?

I need to stop.

But I can see it – her long brown hair in my bed, spread on my pillow, her smiling up at me, wet and ready for me. I’d plant my hands on either side of her head, and watch myself slowly sink into her, trying to ignore that tickling feeling of unease in my gut, and the fuzzy feeling in my brain that means my sugar’s dropping.

A girl like this one does not deserve a piece of shit like me. Un-whole. That twitching in my dick is long-gone as I imagine her watching me inject myself with insulin. Oh yeah, real fucking sexy.

Fascinated, I keep my eyes trained on her face, ignoring my brain as much as I can. The bastard just keeps supplying me with ideas of why this girl isn’t for me, why she deserves and needs better than what I can ever give her. I’m stuck with the bottom-feeders like Aly, and that’s fine with me. I can deal with that.

Maybe.

That’s my lot in life and I shouldn’t go asking for more.

She’s smiling, at what I don’t know. But Christ, to be on the other end of that smile, so sweet and genuine? That hollow feeling in my gut bottoms out, making me realize what I could have with her, if I were brave enough.

With a sigh, she closes the book, and I shit you not, puts it back in her purse and pulls out another mammoth novel the size of a brick. At least the thing will do some damage if anyone tries to sneak up on her, she just needs to aim it for the temple or the nose, causing enough pain for her to get away.

She promptly opens it up and starts to read, not even looking up when the elevator dings; the doors open and she just walks right out, not even bothering to look up. She’d walk right into a suicide fucking bomber if he were standing in front of her. I break out into a sweat watching her open the inner doors of the lobby and walk outside, spilling bits of sunshine on the tile in the space between the outer and inner doors.

BOOK: Never Been Loved
2.16Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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