Never Been Loved (20 page)

Jesus Christ.

The silence is oppressive in my car. I just can’t open my mouth to apologize for my awful behaviour. I grind my teeth and settle for using my hyper-attention on the road. I’m just so tired of fighting my body to do the things I want. I’m tired of putting up a front when most days I just want to go to pieces and stare down a dozen donuts and wonder if, after all this time, I’m miraculously healed.

But I can’t do that – I have responsibilities, and no matter how much I’m attracted to Sera, I can’t force her into wanting to be with a guy like me. My face and body have taken me years of hard work to maintain as I tried to regulate my sugars. They both mask the disaster zone underneath the flesh and muscle.

I’m a fucking mess all the time, and no one deserves to have that burden placed on them without a hundred percent disclosure.

I just can’t stop the tiny flare of firework hope in my chest thinking that Sera’s already seen me at my very worst, and maybe, just maybe, she can come to terms with the fact that I can be better, that I’m more than blood sugar levels and perfectly portioned meals.

I wasn’t paying attention to her, or how uncomfortable my silence would make her, and that’s the last thing I want to do. Make her uncomfortable around me. Next thing I know, she’s gently grabbed my hand off the shift and wrapped both of hers around my paw. She does this all delicate-like, as if I’m going to go ape-shit any second.

And Christ, my skin tingles where we make contact.

I feel completely out of my depth; floating somewhere in the vast ocean of something I don’t have a name for. Sera’s doing something to me, and I don’t know what it is.

I think she’s charming me, seducing me in a way that has nothing to do with her body, or her sexy mouth. I’m afraid I’m going to say something stupid, that I’m going to ruin the spell.

What’s worse, I’m kind of terrified, the whole shaky feeling invading my gut that she’ll take her hand away from me. My mind’s half on the road, and half on the anchor her hand on mine has become. She’s holding me close, like I’m going to run away.

Shit, she must feel the sweat along my palm as we get closer and closer to Mom’s house. How shitty that place is, like a fucking black hole, sucking all the good and bad in with it just because it can, because there’s nothing else it’s good at.

I park in front of my old house, absently looking at the layers and layers of brick that never made this place a home. Fuck, what does she think about me? What’s going on in her head right now, looking at my old house, where I come from?

I look over at her, pulling my hand away from the cradle of hers. I almost smile when she keeps both of hers around mine, unwilling to let me go. I bring hers close to my mouth, laying a kiss on her knuckles, her skin warm and soft, smelling like vanilla sugar.

I keep my mouth on them, looking at her, trying to figure out what’s on her face. If this is all I’ll ever have with her, if this moment in my car - my mouth pressed against her knuckles – is the only one we ever get, I think I could be satisfied with that.

I think I could pull away now, and survive, knowing that there aren’t only women like Aly and my mom out there – that a woman like Sera could possibly want to spend time with me, even when I’ve shown her how hopeless my situation is.

“I like what we have,” she says, keeping our hands together. I’m suddenly very aware of my heart beat, the deep rhythm rushing in my ears, pulsing through my veins. “I like being with Matty, and I like hanging out with you. Don’t ruin it. Please don’t ruin it.”

Hopeless
. I was so close to kissing her, to tasting her. To seeing what it’s like to be looked at without lust, without wanting something from
me
.

I can’t help the grunt that bolts out of me, like someone sat on my chest, pushing all my air out. I drop my mouth from our hands but she doesn’t let go. My heart races wildfire in my chest, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think my sugar was dropping again.

“What about what I want? When do
I
get to choose?” she asks me, and I can’t help flashing my teeth at her.

Animal. No one wants the wild animal.

“You made all this fucking shit, my entire fucking life, better just by walking into it with your stupid shirts.” My voice is tight, like I’m being strangled by the very words I’m uttering. I just look at her,
really
look at her and see the fear on her face.
She’s scared – of me? Of what we could be? Which one?

“That’s all it took. One look at your shirts, a different one every day after you’d come home, and fuck – Fuck! I wasn’t drowning anymore. I couldn’t wait to see what you had next. I’d listen for you to come out of your place, wonder what other little facet of you you’d show me.”

Those shirts got me through hard times, they took away the shittiness of the day. The boredom of my job, the kid’s tantrums, my mom’s orders. They took me out of my head for a little while, enough for me to find out what they meant on Google, and laugh and think about who this girl was, what she could be.

I disentangle my hand from both of hers, and slowly wrap it around the side of her neck, feeling the steady pulse of her blood flowing under my palm. She looks like she’s holding her breath. Her mouth half-opens and I want to groan. She’s not playing fair.
“I’m not going to kiss you. Not until you’re sure of what you want, Sera.”
Be a gentleman. It’s always her choice – she can do so much better than you
.

I’m going to try, anyway. I’m going to give it my best shot. If she wants me, too.

“Good?” All the air seems to fall out of her, and the word comes out as a question. Oh, fuck, I’m sporting another semi and she hasn’t even done anything to me. I give her neck a little squeeze, just because I wish I could crush her in my arms and give her a hug.

Yeah, she wants me, too.

I stare at her face in the dark, and say what’s on my mind.

“I want you to know that this happening. I’m going to be in your life, and you’re going to be in mine and Matty’s. You make it better. I just have to find a way to make yours just as good.”

She looks completely bewildered. Did I fuck this up, too? Shit, I’ve been out of the game for so long, how the hell do you ask a female out, nowadays? Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that this is happening without giving her a choice?

Shit, watch what you say, asshole. You can’t go commanding people to do your fucking bidding.

“I... I don’t know what to say to that.” Sera chews on her lip and clears her throat. “I’m not sure if the appropriate response is ‘stalker much?’ or not.”

A laugh comes out of me, and ends in a rumble in my chest. I don’t think I’ve smiled so much in one night. I squeeze the side of her neck again, wanting to show her how very fucking cute I think she is. I lean closer, and watch her lower lip tremble – I’m not even sure she notices it. I get close enough so our foreheads are touching and we’re sharing the same parcel of air.

Fuck, I want her to want me. Bad.

But there’s something holding her back, and it’s going to be ‘an adventure’, like Matty says, to figure it all out.

“Maybe I’m being too intense. Maybe I’m going to scare you off.” I pull away slowly, reluctantly, and get her seat belt unbuckled for her. “Maybe you’ll realize you’re the one I want and shut up about it.”

Red alert, red alert! This ship is going down! Fucking shit, MacLaine, what is wrong with you?

She pulls her head back, and pulls her lips back from her teeth. She’s my lioness again, ready to rip me apart. I shouldn’t find that so sexy, but I do.

“Yeah, okay, best way to get me to fall for you – be a dick. This isn’t
Fifty Shades of Grey
, MacLaine! I don’t ‘yes, Master’ and follow like a good little bitch. Jesus, you almost had me. Almost.”

Yeah, I heard everything she said, swear to God. The part my brain keeps playing over and over though? How she
could be falling for me
. My heart’s not gonna fit in my chest real soon, feels like it’s about to explode.

I watch, paralyzed in place as she gets into it with her belt, trying to untangle herself, just to tangle herself more snugly, her amazing tits jiggling all over the place, her growls and grunts putting my semi into the full hard-on territory. Holy fuck, how has she been single for all this time? And how am I the luckiest bastard to be chasing after her?

I can’t stop laughing, just because she’s fucking adorable when she’s pissed. She hisses like a feline would, and practically tries to rip the door off its hinges, trying to get out. I fold my arms over my abs, they’re starting to hurt. Fuck crunches, and all the shit I do at the gym,
this
is a better way to keep my six pack a six.

I catch up to her as she’s gone halfway up the stone steps, the very ones I’ve almost cracked my skull on many, many times. The ones where Jules and I used to race up to rush into the house to get a snack from Eddie.

The memory doesn’t hurt in a sore spot like it used to, and I’m still laughing when I wrap my arms around Sera’s middle, not even stopping when she tenses up in my arms. A streak of insight flashes across my brain – some asshole motherfucker hurt Sera so much that she thinks she’s not beautiful or some shit. Like she can’t really see what’s staring back at her from the reflection in the mirror.

How fucking gorgeous and great she is.

Her tits are pillowed my by arms, and her hands are wrapped around my arms, not to pull away but to bring me closer. My front comes flush with her sexy ass, her thighs and back, her shampoo wafting up my nose and making my mouth water. Fuck, she probably feels me all hard against her like a fucking teenager who has no control over anything.

Zombies, zombies eating brains. Chair. Zombies on a chair, eating brains.

I take my chances and swoop into the area where her shoulder meets her neck, and fucking nuzzle like I’m her lion. I pull in a breath and press a small kiss to her skin, wishing I could do more without overstepping my bounds.

Sera’s put me at arm’s length and I’m going to push that as far as I can go. Doesn’t mean I’m going to break her arm while doing it, just means I’ve got to convince her to bend her elbow and let me get close to her.

Diabetes took the
life
out of my life, the spontaneity, the fun. Sera can give me all that back.

She lets out this fucking
sound
, somewhere between a moan and a whimper, and I have to seriously concentrate on the gross ass habit of zombies eating human cortical matter to get my mind off the danger zone way down south.

“You keep making those sounds and I’m going to get in trouble,” I tell her, feeling her nails dig into the skin of my arms, liking that reaction a hell of a lot.

“I didn’t do anything!” she practically screeches, panicking. “You’re the one instigating all the fraking time. C’mon, poor Edouard’s probably all tuckered out; Matty knows how to party.”

Sera moves up the stairs, not completely pulling away from me, or dropping her hands from my arms. Sweet. I move up the stairs with her, plastered to her back, like a live human turtle shell. I catch her a few times when she stumbles forward, pressing those glorious breasts into my arms again and again, the softness getting Kong all hot and sweaty.

And then I remember where I am, and the front door is right in front of us, and the old house is pulling me into a vortex of shitty memories that threaten to pull me under. I knock on the door, snatching my hand back when it’s done.

I keep Sera in my arms, hoping she doesn’t notice how my grip has gotten tighter, how I wish I wasn’t fucking here.

Of course it’s Eddie opening the door. I don’t know why I thought for a nanosecond that Jules would’ve raced him to it. But Jules is dead, and Eddie looks at me with tired eyes, in a tired face, shoulders slumped. He’s getting too old for this.

Matty’s at his feet, leaning back against his legs, eyes half-closed and barely letting his legs keep any of his weight. Waking Jules up was a bitch of a thing to do, too. He’s a lot like his mom in that respect.

“Why didn’t you just let me come in and get him?” The words come out harsher than I intended them to. I pull away from Sera before I do something stupid, like start fucking crying.

I pick Matty up, hefting his weight onto my shoulder, letting him lie against me and nuzzle into my neck. His breath is warm, and his heart beats right next to mine on my chest. I’ve wrapped both arms around him, like I’m trying to protect him from the house and the ghosts in it.

I hear Sera asking Eddie about Matty’s sugar level.

“His levels have come down to a ten, madam,” Eddie says in his crisp tones. I want to tell him to give up the charade, to get some sleep, but the words get stuck in my mouth. “His supper consisted of a hamburger and fries. Dessert was a small bowl of fruit. I checked his sugar an hour ago. I also administered the prescribed dose of insulin right after he ate.”

I rub circles onto Matty’s back, trying to soothe him or me, not too sure. I want to Roadrunner out of here, I want to get in my car and drive for miles and miles, just running away from our diabetes, from our pasts. But Sera’s here and I have to wait for her, even if it sucks ass to be in the shadow of the house where some of my happiest memories—and worst memories—reside.