Never Been Loved (21 page)

I listen to Sera thank Eddie and introduce herself. Something eases inside of me when I watch her take his hand for a shake. Just like she did to me all that time ago.

“Thanks, Eddie. She’s gone to bed, I guess?” Eddie nods. Of course Mom’s gone to bed. Nothing left for her to do, she’s knows how to use words to hurt people, to grind them to dust. Mom thinks she’s won, that she’s beaten Sera.

“She’s also been speaking with Alysha, sir. I overheard the phone call while I prepared Matty’s supper,” Eddie says, words brisk and rushed, like he doesn’t want Sera to hear Aly’s name.

Fuck, at the sound of her name, I feel the wind get knocked out of me, like somebody took a bat to the back of my head. I glare at my toes, hate the situation I’m in all over again. “All right, Eddie. Have a good night.”

“Come see me once in a while, Hunter. This old house misses you.” I don’t look up. He does this almost every time I’m here. We used to be friends, Eddie and I, he was like a father to me, until I did what I did. Until I couldn’t look him in the eye and bear to see the disappointment there, how much of a failure I am. “I miss you. I’ve packed all her things, you needn’t see them, if you do not want. It’s been three years, Hunter.”

“That’s enough, Eddie. I’ve got to go home. G’night.”

I have to get out of here. I turn without looking to see if Sera’s following, going down the stairs two at a time, holding Matty close enough so he doesn’t go rocking all over the place in my arms.

Sera’s quiet when she gets in the car, she’s quiet all the way back home, actually. When I look over from my seat once I’ve parked in the underground lot, I see why. She’s fallen asleep on me.

And it could be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Her lashes are long and throw tiny shadows in the shitty lighting of the lot against her cheeks. Her lips are parted just a little, but she breathes in and out through her nose – her eyes move under her lids and I catch myself wondering what and who she’s dreaming about.

Hoping against hope it’s me.

“Sera... Wake up for me,” I say and startle when her eyes flash open.

“I’m up, I’m up.” She yawns, covering her mouth, then rubbing her eyes like Matty does when he’s really tired.

“Fuck, you’re cute.” I say, and watch her lids flutters open again. I think she’s thinking about settling into the passenger seat for the night, but I can’t let her do that. She’s too tired, and her neck is gonna seize in some sort of awkward angle and the next few days are gonna be a bitch to work it out. I don’t want her hurting because of me.

“I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?” she says, yawning again, screwing her eyes shut. I frown at her. “You want me to get Matty or you?”

“I’ll get him. Just make sure you can stand.” I lean across the space that separates us and leave a light kiss on her cheek; I feel her tremble underneath my mouth but I think it’s ’cause she’s so tired. I’m not the best of company and I probably exhausted her with my crazy ass mood-swings.
I need to take better care of myself.

I leave her to get out of the car on her own, and go to the back seat to get the kid. Once I’ve unbuckled him, I drape him over my shoulder again, but I already know he’s awake.
Shit
.

“Sera?” Matty asks, and the alertness in his voice has me cringing. It’s going to be a looong night.

“Yeah, little buddy?” Sera asks through a yawn, as she gets out of the car. She closes the door with her ass, and I glare at my car because that’s one lucky son-of-a-bitch piece of steel.

“Can you read to me again? But I want to be in my bed this time. Is that okay, Daddy? Can Sera read to me?” Matty asks.

“Only if she isn’t too tired,” I say, hoping that’s the right answer. She should just tell me to fuck off; tell me she’s too tired. She doesn’t have to read to Matty, she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. So I decide to give her an out. “And buddy, she looks sleepy.”

“No way, she doesn’t! Look! Her eyes are
open
.” Damn kid-logic. Always right on the money.

“Yeah, I’ll read to you. What do you want?” she asks, and I want to drop Matty and gorilla-beat my chest.

“Peter Pan!” Matty says, pushing up from my shoulder, looking straight down at Sera as we make our way to the basement elevator lobby.

“Again?”

“We didn’t get so far last time, I fell asleep! I want to read about Peter and Wendy going to Neverland!” Matty says, the elevator now ringing with his voice.

“All right, I’ll get the book and come right over, okay?” Sera looks at me to see if it is okay.
Abso-fucking-lutely. “
See you in a bit.”

Sera goes to her door, and I go to mine. I put Matty down on his bed, pulling out his Spider-man pajamas, and helping him get into them. He jumps in mid-air, crosses his legs, and makes impact with the mattress. The kid’s excited and doesn’t mind showing it. Maybe I should read to him, too?

I rub my face with both hands, trying to get my brain in on the prospect that Sera’s coming over, but I can’t muster up the energy to get nervous about it.

But the hesitant knock does come, and once I let her in, I say, “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know. But I want to.” Who wants to read to a little kid after a long-ass day? Who? “Where’s Matty’s room?” she asks, and instead of telling her, I use it as an excuse to touch her again by grabbing her hand and bringing her to his room.

I turn around and her eyes have popped wide and she’s taking in every little detail of his room. My grin is wide as I watch her eyes go left, right, up and down to catch the sheets, the pajamas, the paint on the wall, the carpet and the few toys scattered on the floor.

The first thing she says? “You have
Transformers
sheets!”

“Autobots, roll out!” Matty looks up at her like she’s magic.

“All right, scoot over, kiddo. We’re going to Neverland.” I watch Matty scoot over to the far end of the bed, right up against the wall and get under the covers. Sera climbs in next to him, her sweats on, her hair up in a bun, no make-up on. My heart trips up its rhythm again, and I swear if this keeps happening, I’m going to need heart medication.

“You have to close your eyes now, Matty, and imagine every word I’m telling you, all right? Picture what I’m telling you, and you don’t need movies,” she says, voice low and hypnotic. Matty does as she says, and I make my way out of the room, letting them go on their adventure together.

I go to my room, hurriedly pick up the clothes off the floor, dirty underwear and socks, and sniff at some jeans that need washing. Christ, when did I become such a slob? And do I actually expect Sera to come in here? No, I don’t. But it’s always good to be prepared and all that shit.

I pick out some boxers and forget about getting a shirt. Fuck, I want her to see me, see my tats, my piercings. I want her to look at me like I look at her. I get into the bathroom and get the shower water nice and scalding. After my bouts of sugar low-induced sweats, I freeze my ass off so bad, it feels like I’ll never get warm again. Hot water is a godsend.

I try not to think of Sera while I’m in there. How she’s two rooms away from me. How she’s lying down on a bed, with Matty, but still lying down on a bed, on her back, reading a book. And how badly I want her to be in my bed, reading a book, making those faces and noises she’d probably make while reading that book.

How I’d ask her what was going on, and try to make the story seem a little more interesting when I took it away and start kissing her everywhere and anywhere.

The hot water feels like her hands running all over my body, and Junior, well, he doesn’t stand a chance against my imagination. I think of Sera in that fucking sexy as hell tight skirt she had, how the material lovingly cupped her ass, how all the womanliness was being shown off for me and for every man who has two eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck I’m in trouble.

I pull in air, use them as calming breaths because I don’t want to scare her off, I don’t want her running. Sometimes, the male anatomy is a pain in the ass.

Zombies, zombies, zombies! Dead things! DEAD THINGS AND MAGGOTS.

Junior takes a step back from going full attention and I breathe a sigh of relief. Doesn’t mean that even if Sera gives me one look that I’m going to be locked and loaded to give her anything she’s ever wanted. I’m so in over my head. And it feels like a fucking good place to be.

I get out of the shower, and close all the lights to the apartment. I play this sick trick on myself, trying to make my eyes focus in the dark, trying to keep them sharp, trying to make them work overtime so the sugar doesn’t fuck up my vision too bad. I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but it just feels like it’s something I have to do, something I need to do.

Then I hear her.

“Hunter?” she whisper-yells, and I make my way over to Matty’s room. “Hunt?”

“Yeah?” I answer, stepping into the doorway. Oh yeah, she’s seen me. Then why is she slamming her eyes shut, and clamping down on her jaw?

“I’m sorry, go back to sleep.”

I pad over to where she’s lying down on the bed, crouching low over her.

“Sera, what?” I want to laugh at her surprised face when she finally looks up at me. “Are you stuck?”

I feel her eyes on me, travelling all over me. Up, down, only to come back up and down again. She likes my piercings. Her little pink tongue comes out to wet her lips, and her eyebrows are pinched together like she’s thinking too hard, or something.

“Yeah...yeah. I need help. He’s fallen asleep.”

The kid’s lying half-on top of her, not a care in the world. He’s wrapped himself around one of her arms, trying to make sure she never lets go.

Jules, where are you so you can take care of your kid? Why did you have to go and die on me?

I grab one of Sera’s hands, and gently pull her until both her feet land on the ground. Her shirt has ridden up during this whole thing, and I see a strip of skin underneath her belly button that is making me think of dead things ’cause hiding my raging dick in boxers is going to need more than Houdini to make it disappear. Shit. I know I can’t help it, but she doesn’t need that from me right now, like I’m only some kind of horndog.

Fuck yeah, if she lets me get into her pants, lets me touch her, and wants me back, I’m all for it. I’m just tired of being needed for that only reason, like it’s all I’m good for.

Sera straightens, and looks up at me. In this lighting, I can’t tell her eyes are green, just dark enough that they look like I’m going to be swallowed whole by the colour.

“I’m just gonna leave now,” she says, words rushed, but checks herself when she realizes I’ve gone and taken a hold of her wrist, just loosely enough to remind her I’m still here. Hell, I know I’m pushing my luck, but what’s another inch if it’s going to get me closer to her?

“Why don’t you stay and watch
The
Goonies
with me? It’s playing right now on TV.” I made sure to set a recording for it whenever it’s playing.
Stay with me, get to know me better than that thing you keep saving.

I catch her taking another peek at me; my skin itches and I’m pretty sure I’d shoot my load if she tried to pet me. Junior sure wants to show her how much he likes her. Yeah, Sera wants me. But I’m not going to rush anything, yet.

“Only if you put some clothes on first,” she says, eyebrows high, and keeping her gazed locked to mine by sheer force of will. In some quiet place in my head, a thought drifts through and it’s absolutely true.
This girl is going to chew me up and spit me back out
.
And I’m going to let her.

“You don’t like looking at me?” I ask, feeling the warmth of her skin seeping through me, chasing the cold away.

“It’s not nice to flaunt your genetic makeup in front of other people, Hunter.”

“So that’s a yes,” I say.
Genetic makeup? What?
“My genetics have fucked me up, too, baby. I’m happy you like the outer package.”
Please like the outer package, the rest of me is batting at zero.

“Oh, yeah, start with the guilt-trip ’cause you have a faulty pancreas,” she says, glaring me down like she can hear what’s going on in my head. My heart’s a speedster, trying to escape my ribs. When I’m frozen in place for too long, she hisses, “Go and wear something!”

“What will you do if I don’t?” My stupid mouth. My stupid, stupid mouth. Like I’m seriously going to challenge her right now, going to force my company on her, when she’s the one with all the power here. We’re playing a game of chess; I’m the pawn and she’s the all-powerful queen. I’m chump change, and she’s everything.

“I can leave, you know. I do have a TV at my place.”

And there she is, putting me back in my place. “Shit. Gimme a sec.”

I rush back into my room, feeling her stare on me. Once inside, I scramble for a shirt. Matty’s thrown up on it a hundred times through all the time I’ve had him; I’ve used this shirt to work out in; I’ve used it to wipe blood off my fingers after I’m done checking my sugar. It’s worn out, just like me.

“Thanks for reading to Matty,” I say, after situating myself in the far corner of the couch. Sera’s sitting on the other side, holding her knees loosely to her chest. The glow of the TV screen lends a sort of mystery to her face, a certain anonymity. I find myself leaning forward, feet going to her legs, seeking a bit of contact in the darkness of my apartment.