Never Been Loved (39 page)

“How come?” he asks.

“Sometimes when someone makes you feel happy, you do things for them without saying thank you,” I say, hoping that sounded right. I keep my eyes on her, and will her to get it.

“Why can’t you just say thank you?”

“How many times are you going to say thank you to Sera for reading to you every single night, huh?”

“I say it every night.” Matty’s right down panicked. “I tell you every night, don’t I? I love reading Harry Potter with you! Thank you, Sera!” He grabs her and kisses her on the cheek. I didn’t even get the chance to do that this morning.

“You’ll understand when you’re older, kid. Just remember what I said for now. C’mon, buddy. Go brush your teeth, and put some socks on. I’m starting with or without you in five minutes.”

Matty flies out of his bed, jumping down and colliding with my legs before rushing to the bathroom.

I move to Matty’s bed and crouch, getting a hand on the back of Sera’s neck. Her eyes are dark, and she’s sucking in her bottom lip.

“How are you?”

“I’m hungry, actually.”

“S’not what I meant, but I’ll give it to you this one time.” I kiss her on the cheek, then the corner of her mouth, then full on. She gives me back what I wanted, so I pull back and smile. We’re going to be good, as soon as I tell her all of it.

How I basically have lied to her this entire time about Matty being my kid, even though I’m the only dad he’s ever had. How I’m basically the reason Jules is dead.

“We have to talk, you and I.”

“All right.”

“Another time. When you can have the space you need to do what you need to do.”

“Cryptic much? You’re worse than The Riddler
,
you are.”

I think that’s Batman. Maybe.

My mouth’s still doing the happy thing, but I’m just not feeling it. “I have to be. You’ll understand soon.”

She gets a hand up, palm out. “As of this moment, are you a drug dealer?”

“No.”

“Do you have a criminal record? Do you think you
should
have a criminal record?”

“Depends who you talk to.”

“Uh, not inspiring confidence over here.”

“I wasn’t the best of people when I was younger, all right? I promise you that my life has changed since then. I just need to tell you so you know whose mouth you’re kissing.”

“Have you killed anyone?”

“Not me.”

“You swear to God you’re not involved in any more illegal activity? Like you’re a hundred percent squeaky clean?”

I get closer, watching her legs open so my ribs hit either side of her inner thighs. I wanted to be doing something else in this position, but this shit’s important, too.

“I’ll swear to Bruce Wayne if you want. I promise you that is all over with.”

“Then why all the secrecy? What could be so bad about what happened years ago?”

“I want you to know about me, the bad and the repulsive. Only then will I be deserving of you. I swear to Christ I’ll never let you down. Ever. You can count on me.”

“I need you to answer me first. You think I’m important in your life?” Sera asks.

“Absolutely.”
Deep breath, MacLaine. Brace yourself.

“Do you think I’m important enough and Matty’s important enough in your life that whatever happened in the past will make me run away from you both?”

“Yeah.”

“And you think once I know the truth, and nothing but the truth, I’m going to run away screaming, right? And you’re hoping I can perform some sort of miracle and stay with you?”

I nod again.

“Well, who the hell do you think I am?”

“I think you’re better than Bruce Wayne.”

“Bruce Wayne saves people. He’s a hero.” Sera’s eyes are wide and she’s looking at me like I’m psycho.

I’m grinning, after all that shit I said, this is the part that gets stuck in her head. Bruce Wayne. I move closer, making our mouths touch and say, “Baby, you saved me that day in the hall.”

Chapter 29

I’m a fucking mess, and I have no one to call. Sera left her phone here.

Goddamn it.

I’m crashing low again, and I can’t think.

Fuck you, body, just do something I tell you do, for once. Fucking think!

Sera’s taken Matty to the hospital.

I yelled at her again. I yelled at her again, when I promised I wouldn’t.

Jesus Christ, why does she keep trying with me? What’s the point? All I do is disappoint people around me.

I’m on my ass in the living room, staring at the door, wondering why there aren’t cracks around the frame. I knew Sera was pissed.

Even in her anger, she doesn’t destroy things – not like I do.

Should I bring out the violin?

Shut up.

I’ve got my phone in my palm, staring through my contacts, trying to figure out what to do. I need to go to the hospital. I need to be there for Matty; I need to be there for Sera to forgive me.

Christ, it’s like a bad dream, thinking back to the words I said to her, how I yelled at her, how I basically said I didn’t want Matty in my life.

That’s not true, none of it is true.

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of sucking at my life. I’m tired of watching Sera do everything better than me – even being a parent. She’s known the kid a few months and it’s like she’s his mom.

Is that why you’re punishing Sera? Because she’s taking Jules’ place and you can’t deal with that on your head?

I miss my sister, so much sometimes that I can’t breathe through the guilt. I can’t take it anymore, the way Matty looks at me, his blue eyes like hers, his hair like hers, but other than that, she’s fading away.

Am I punishing Sera for it? Did I snap because it’s all tumbling down around me?

I need to get up. I need to get up and get to the hospital.

Colours swirl in my apartment, floating and twirling like they’re dancing to some kind of silent song. It’s pretty, yeah, but it’s also a bad sign. I need juice, but I can’t get up right now, I’m weak.

Where’s
my
superhero? Where’s Sera?

Right, she’s with the kid. At the hospital. And she left, and she’s pissed at me because of what I said. What did I say again?

Doesn’t matter. I need to get up. I need to get into the kitchen and get some juice. Yeah, that’s what I need to do.

So move, MacLaine. Get up.

Maybe I should just sit here. Sleep a bit.

That sounds like an even better idea.

Get up, get some juice, and go get your girl. She needs you and Matty needs you. You can’t give up, asshole. You’re not allowed.

I don’t know how, but I move. I stand and get some orange juice from the carton and chug and chug ’til the cold liquid sears my throat, and then I drink some more. Probably I’ll get a high in a few hours, but fuck that. I have shit to do.

I need to get Sera back.

But I have to find a way to get there first.

I should’ve called Eddie. Why didn’t I think of Eddie?

My brain’s compromised, and it didn’t hijack enough sugar to work properly until after I phoned Aly. Christ, she’s pissing me off.

“You bring that hand near me again, and I’m going to break it,” I tell her, watching the road for her since she doesn’t seem to care one way or another. We should be at the hospital in another ten minutes.

Ten minutes spent in the car with Aly, and I’m going to fucking lose it. The sugar’s finally working, and I feel pretty good. I’m going to need all my strength when I see Sera, I’m going to need all my smarts to get her to try and to commit to me again.

Because I blew it. I blew it big time.

Just my luck, Sera’s walking out to my car with Matty in her arms. I know she’s seen us pulling up since she stumbles to a stop, and she isn’t looking at me, but she’s looking at Aly. At
Aly
.

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

“Daddy!” Matty hollers from Sera’s arms, and squirms to be put down, throwing my girl off balance. I have to teach the kid to relax about always wanting his way. Another lesson for later, when she thinks I’ve done enough groveling.

Which might until I’m seventy-five, but I’m cool with that.

Sera keeps moving towards me, back straight, lips tight like she’s swallowed something bad. Or maybe she’s sick of the sight of me.

Maybe I’m too late.

No. No fucking way.

I grab Matty from her, but now Sera’s fishing for keys and hands them to the kid. Oh yeah, those are mine.

“And then they put this light in my eyes and told me not to look at it. Isn’t that funny? How can I not look at it, Daddy, when it’s right in my face?!” Matty tells me, but I only catch about two words out of his story.

Sera’s not looking at me still. I’ve got her eyes on me, yeah, but she’s seeing past me, like I’m a ghost.

No. Don’t do this. Please.

She puts a smile on her face. I don’t know who it’s for. She waves and she’s off, leaving me with my… son, and leaving us to deal with what’s she’s left behind.

I don’t think I can move, I’m pinned in place.

Why the hell am I always the one trying to get her back?

You’re the one ruining everything. Obviously.

Can’t she turn around and tell me she wants me? Tell me I’m better than sticking around with Aly because that’s what everybody else wants? What does Sera want, anyway? I’m good enough for a hand job only?

Relax, man. Regroup. You’re not thinking straight
.

“Thanks for the ride, Aly. Here’s something for your gas.” I get a twenty out of my pocket and toss it in the passenger seat. I’ve been hollowed out and the world’s gone grey. Sera took all the life out of it the minute I let her walk away.

“That’s a fucking joke, right?” she sneers, and I feel Matty tense up in my arms.

He’s either going to ask her for a quarter or…not.

“Who’s going to drive you home, you stupid piece of shit?”

“That shouldn’t bother you from going on your way.” Matty’s plastered himself onto me, and is holding on tight. Yeah, he’s a little kid, but he sure as shit know what’s going on, and Aly’s screeching isn’t helping matters.

I need to get to Sera, and I fucking
need
to get rid of Aly.

I don’t have time for this. One day, when I’m more sane, and I have Sera back, I’m going to settle this shit once and for all. I’m going to tell Aly that she needs to start taking care of herself, that she needs to grow the fuck up and get her shit together.

Now is not that time. I ignore her, the slamming of her car door, and the eventual peeling out she does out of the parking lot. I’ll deal with that later.

I get my phone out and dial Eddie, doing the smart thing for once.

“Hunter?” he answers. “Is everything all right?”
“Sure, Eddie. I know it’s late for you, but I need a lift back to my place. I don’t feel well enough to take the bus right now. You know what? It’s okay, Eddie. I’m gonna stick around here for a bit. Sorry if I woke you, have a good night.”
“Hunter, which hospital are you at? Who’s sick? Is the boy all right?”

I grunt. “Yeah, Eddie. We’re both good. I’m just gonna relax for a bit and then I’ll make my way home until I’m good enough to drive. It’s okay.”

“Are you certain?”

I smirk. “Yeah, Eddie. I didn’t think it through. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

“Stay there, I’m on my way.”
And although I should tell him no, I should tell him to go back to sleep or wind down, I stay quiet. Eddie’s the only dad I ever really had, and I need him here. I need to listen to him and lay shit out.

“I’ll be waiting. Call me when you get here.”

“I will, my boy. See you soon.”

Eddie’s holding a sleeping Matty and staring at me with disappointment. There are only two people I never wanted to let down in my life, and those were Jules and Eddie. Seems I haven’t learned my lesson.

“You’ve been making a lot of bad decisions, Hunter. Why?” I watch Eddie rub Matty’s back, and I wonder if he feels like he ever missed his chance, not being a dad – especially when it comes natural to him like breathing.

I envy him that, I really do.

I rub a hand through my hair, and think of Sera’s face when she saw me with Aly. I should be over there right now, telling her how sorry I am, how pathetic I am. Maybe it’s time to let her go, though, for real this time.

But how in hell can I do that when I’ve glimpsed an amazing future with her and now I have to go on living, fucking pretending that I didn’t see it, that it doesn’t exist?

I need to think, and I need to plan.

This isn’t going to be easy.

Then again, loving Sera Delos is so easy, I’d have to put in the work somewhere.