Never Enough (45 page)
She let herself touch him then. If only to push him back enough to shut the door and lock it again.
He put a hand over the place she’d just touched him. “Baby, please. English, I was wrong to be so harsh. I was shocked and I reacted wrong. I love you. I know you love me. I know you didn’t tell me because you were ashamed.”
He heard her crying, ached to help. Ached to make her feel better.
“This isn’t over, Gillian. Just know that I’m coming for you. We will work this out because no one is perfect for me except you.”
Her crying got worse and he put his forehead against the door, helpless against his own tears.
“Go. God, please. It’s too much to have you there. I can’t.
Please
.”
Please
.”
She turned off the porch light and he stood in the darkness as she turned off all the lights inside as well.
When she’d spoken to him she was not his Gillian. Her eyes didn’t hold the light she had just for him. Her voice had lost the lilt she used to speak to him. Not even her prim British. She sounded empty and numb.
Being that he felt empty and numb, he supposed they made a great pair.
It was too damned cold to wait on the porch until morning. Worse, Miles would be coming home and he knew it was important to keep their son away from this mess.
He drove to a local hotel and though he lay in bed, sleep would not come. She hadn’t seen her father at least since she left England. He’d not been any part of her life if Miles had no idea about the man. She had never returned to England since the day she left either.
Of course she must have gotten some voice training while at Juilliard. Now, with some distance from the actual event, he could see the truth of it. In his desire to know more he let himself get pissy over something totally stupid, which had cascaded into something worse because that reporter had been waiting for just such a moment.
His stupid overreaction had led to the spiral of insanity that had blown up in their faces. Christ, what a pair they were.
He’d seen her face when the reporter spoke to Erin. Had heard her tortured, whispered apology and watched her run away. She didn’t run. She stood and fought when she thought she was right. She was like a little bulldog, she simply didn’t let go until she won.
But tonight she’d run. She’d refused to speak to him and had shut down. And it was partly his fault. Okay, mainly his fault, though after listening to her on her doorstep, he could tell she held herself responsible. Which was his fault too.
No. Gillian Forrester was the one. She was his lid and he’d fucked it up but he’d not go down without a fight. He’d win her back and show her they could weather any storm.
Because there was love between them. He did have trust issues and she hit on an important point. His circle was his comfort zone. She didn’t fit in it the way everyone else did and he’d looked for that to be a problem instead of just a process.
That he could see and hear the difference between how she’d been with him earlier, and the last months told him she
had
been sharing herself with him on her own terms. God, that she’d cried in front of him was major.
had
been sharing herself with him on her own terms. God, that she’d cried in front of him was major.
He had his own walls. They weren’t as straightforward as hers were. He loved her, though. He knew it as much as he knew he loved Miles and his siblings. She was his.
So he’d be back in the morning and they’d hash this out and they’d be fine. In the meantime since there was no way he’d be sleeping, he may as well work on some music.
23
Gillian shuffled through the kitchen as Miles zoomed around. She’d called and begged Mary not to come over for crepes. She had to hold herself together for Miles, and if anyone showed her any pity or kindness just then, she’d lose what composure she’d managed to find at about five thirty that morning.
There was a knock on the door, but she was on the phone with a client so Miles rushed off, Claypool weaving through his legs like a fluffy road hazard.
Adrian
.
.
She heard his voice and then Miles’s surprised, happy response. It made her smile even as it broke her heart. She used to be part of that and now she wasn’t.
She continued speaking, focused on her client and shutting out the beautifully sad sound of Adrian’s walk through her house. She’d gotten used to it.
“Mum’s on the phone,” Miles explained when they came through.
She kept her back turned and headed to her office, shutting her door.
But that small peace was cut short when Miles barged in five minutes later, well after she’d hung up.
“Mum! Dad brought doughnuts and bear claws and stuff. Come on. I saved you one of those goopy lemon ones you like.”
“No really, Miles, I can’t. I have work to do today.”
She looked up to find Adrian in her doorway looking a little rough. Served him right.
“Everyone needs a good breakfast. I know you tell Miles this all the time. Have some coffee. I brought you some.”
She noted the box and the cup were not from Tart. He must have known the reception he would have received. Hmpf.
“I made a pot already.” How dare he use the “it’s good for you” against her.
“Come on, Mum.” Miles grinned.
“Fine. For a few minutes, and then you and your dad should go to his house for a while. Or away for the afternoon. Whatever.”
She followed Miles out, avoiding Adrian’s gaze and his proffered cup of traitor coffee. She’d have to hide those cups deep in the recycling or Jules would have her head if she saw them.
The doughnut was probably quite tasty, but not just then, with everything she’d ever wanted just across from her.
Miles was seemingly unaffected by their tension as he chattered about all the fun he and his friends had had the night before and an upcoming band concert at school.
“Be sure to reserve enough tickets for everyone.” Adrian spoke and that drawl of his caressed her skin, made her crazy to touch him so much she glared at him just for good measure.
But he was looking at her and caught her gaze. One corner of his mouth quirked up and she had to lick her lips. Which only made his smile bigger. The cad.
“Do you know what? We should jam while I’m here. I’ve been working on something new and it’ll help if you two noodle around with me.”
“Really?” Miles’s eyes widened at the suggestion. “That would be awesome. Like how you and Aunt Erin do it?” “Yeah. Only she and I have been making music together since I was eleven, so she and I have a distinct sort of rhythm. I thought it would be good to change it up with other people I trust and love.”
She made to leave. How dare the man, really? Last night it was some vast conspiracy that she could sing and today he wanted to jam with her?
He preferred the fire in her gaze to the numbness he’d gotten earlier. Preferred anger to sadness. Fire he could deal with. Fire was something they did well together.
He’d been sort of annoyed at first to walk in and see her chatting on the phone as if nothing had happened. She’d turned her back and left the room even. But when he and Miles had interrupted her, he saw how wrong he’d been. Far from being unaffected, she had dark circles under her eyes to match his own, he’d bet.
“Please, Gillian? I really need you . . . to help me.”
“Mum, please?” Miles already had his bass in his hand and he noted the way Gillian saw that too and her spine relaxed as she accepted the inevitable.
They all moved to the living room and she sat at her piano, waiting.
“This one I’m calling ‘Indelible.’ Starts off like this. You two just go with it.” He started to play, falling into the song he’d written over the last several hours.
Looks can be deceiving
Fragile can hide strong
Her roots dig in
Dug deep like the rest
She’s indelible
Scratched into my skin
Her scent on my fingers
Taste on my tongue
Yeah, try to forget, but you can’t
She’s indelible
He paused because he noted Miles staring at him and then back to his mother, who made a big deal out of not looking at Adrian.
“I need to call Jason about something. Be back in a while.” Miles stood and took his guitar before bending over again to whisper in Adrian’s ear. “Just say you’re sorry and buy her something nice. But not like
your
nice. Normal nice.”
your
nice. Normal nice.”
Which made Adrian laugh because not only would Miles say something like that but Adrian understood it.
He ran from the room on thundering feet, leaving Adrian filled with so much love he thought he’d burst.
This
is what she brought to him. This is what she was to him. Family. He could do this. They could do this.
is what she brought to him. This is what she was to him. Family. He could do this. They could do this.
He put his guitar aside and took her hand, pulling her to the couch. She settled at the far end and snatched her hand back and he simply scooted over and hemmed her in.
He took her hand back, holding it firm with both of his. “We need to talk, English, and you’re going to listen to me.”
She sniffed and, God help him, his cock got hard.
“So you know, as you’ve seen, I have sort of a crazy life. It’s so chaotic outside, I’ve built a safe space for myself here in Seattle. My family, my few places, they’re what I know and what I can trust. You saw the paparazzi when we were in Miami and even up in Canada. The people camped at my driveway. I just get exposed and it makes me feel helpless.”
She looked up at him at long last.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my father. Despite the fact that I did hurt you all, I never wanted it to come out like that. I wanted to tell you. I did. I waited for the right time, but there’s not really a right time for it. I can’t lie, I could have a few times but I didn’t want to ruin things. I never wanted to hurt you and your family.”
He sighed. “I know. I’m an asshole, English. I’m trying to tell this and then you go and apologize and make me feel even worse. You should have told me, if for no other reason than to share what had to be a heavy weight all these months. But my reaction was stupid. It was stupid because I love your voice and I was knocked back on my heels that I didn’t know. And then it just blew up into a clusterfuck of epic proportions with Larry. I just flat overreacted when I should have stopped to work it out with you.”
“I’m glad we can be friends.”
He snorted, leaning in to kiss her hard. When he broke the kiss, she was short of breath and her eyes had gone dreamy. All very good signs this was on the right track.
“Friends? Fuck that. Gillian, I love you. You love me. Look, last night I realized some stuff. The big one was that all my anxiety about you holding back was really my own shit. I was holding you to a standard you couldn’t possibly meet. I wanted you to be more at ease with people who’ve had, some of us, a lifetime to know each other. It was something you could never achieve and I set it up that way just to keep that bit of distance. But I blamed it on you because I’m a coward and I couldn’t just admit I was scared to leave my comfort zone.”
“My father is a murderer. He killed a girl just barely older than Miles. He sold drugs. He used them. He was a petty thief and a thug for money launderers and betting houses. He beat my mother and she let him come back over and over until I was about eight and he just never came round anymore. My mother was a drunk and a whore. My sister was a drunk and a whore. This is going to come out in the press, Adrian. I thought they’d leave me alone because I’m not exciting. But that’s not the case. They’ll hurt you and your family and they’ll hurt Miles. I can’t expose him to that. Or you.”
“I don’t care what he was or who he is. I don’t. You aren’t him or your mother. You’re the mother to my son. The other half of my heart. You’re my lid, English. I spoke with Jeremy this morning. I had to share some stuff with him, so I apologize for not getting your permission. But his suggestion was to do an interview so you can talk about it on your terms. We can control the spin and remove that from the media’s hands. We can make this work, damn it. I’m not going to let you go.”
“I did write a score for a movie, but I would never use your name to promote it or sell it. I tried to tell you last night but it just kept getting worse.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand and he knew she was still reeling to do such an uncouth thing.
“I know. Todd had a little word with the filmmaker last night. He won’t be pulling that shit anymore. But I would like to see it. Just because I love your music and your creativity. The singing thing, I just handled it all wrong. Christ, last night was supposed to be wonderful and it all went so terribly wrong.”
“It won’t be the last time, Adrian. Things are bound to happen like that. You’re a celebrity. They want to get a rise out of you. Want to hurt you for sport. If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.”
“Yes, and I know this. I should have known it last night. This happened to me earlier this year. Only it was a piece on Erin and her two
love slaves
as the article termed them. The piece suggested Alexander should be taken away from her and her sex grotto.”
love slaves
as the article termed them. The piece suggested Alexander should be taken away from her and her sex grotto.”
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