Never Far Away (25 page)

 
  Ella called Kalli, and even though Kalli was in no way holding Ella responsible for anything that had happened with Kyle, she couldn’t help but feel the sadness that radiated off of Kalli.  She knew Kalli felt used and stupid, hating herself for thinking that ‘Scott’ had wanted to be with her, only to discover that Kyle just wanted to get information about Ella out of her.  In a phone conversation that morning, Kalli told her she felt responsible for everything that had happened at the club, as if she had led Kyle to Ella.  This admission broke Ella’s heart.  Kyle was a bastard that had recently taken to ruining people’s lives, but the last thing Ella wanted was her friends to feel badly about his psychotic ways.  They had a lengthy conversation that really only solidified they were both really sorry and that Kyle was an asshole.  She confirmed Kalli would be at the 4
th
of July cookout, and then Ella tried to convince her to invite the guy she’d met at the club before all hell had broken loose.  Apparently, even in the chaos of leaving the club in a hurry, Kalli still managed to get his number.  That alone made Ella smile and think something good had at least come out of all their drama.

 
  Ella sat, once again, in the cab of Porter’s truck as they drove to Lincoln City.  It would be nice to live with Porter in Salem and she couldn’t wait to start that portion of their life together, but she would always consider Lincoln City a special place for them.  As they neared the ocean the scenery changed, trees became more spread out, the grass became a different shade of green.  Her window wasn’t rolled down, but she knew the air smelled different too.  Pure.  Fresh.  Clean.  She was looking forward to spending some time trying to relax at the beach, even if it was a forced vacation brought on by unimaginable circumstances.  Ella would take it and make the best of it.  She looked over at Porter and felt that any time spent with that man would be amazing, regardless of the situation.

 
  Her belly did a delicious flip when he reached up and threaded his fingers through his hair, the brown locks always messy in a sexy way.  His unconscious habit of running his hands through it made it impossible to remain styled, but it didn’t matter because he looked edible with rumpled hair.  He turned his head her direction, caught her eyeing him and gave her a sexy smile.

 
  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy about everything going on with Kyle, but if I’m really honest, I am kind of glad that I get to spend the next two days with you uninterrupted,” he said, turning back to face the road.  Ella’s chest filled with warmth at the idea of being alone with him until Wednesday when he had to go back to work.  Spending their nights together was good for them and something she wouldn’t have ever given up, but being with him all day was something she knew they both needed.  She needed to have him near her, to be able to touch him if she wanted, to hear his voice and see his face. 

 
  “Mmm… me too.  It will definitely be a nice change of pace.”  She thought back to their first week together, how they had spent the last few days of her stay holed up in his house talking, reading and making love.  She hoped the next two days would be a repeat.  She turned so her back was resting against the passenger door and propped her feet up on his lap as he drove.  She pulled a book out of her purse and settled in for the rest of the drive to Lincoln City.

   The two days passed too quickly. When Ella woke on Wednesday, she smiled as she stretched and felt wonderfully sore from all the attention Porter had paid to her body since they’d arrived at his house.  True to his word, he never let her leave the house and she was pretty sure neither one of them had put pants on for at least thirty-six hours.  It was wonderful.  They had ordered in food, watched movies, laid on the couch together with their legs tangled around each other, both reading books.  At one point she’d gotten curious as to what he was reading so she reached up and took his book, handing hers to him, and they spent an hour reading each other’s book.  They switched back and forth every hour for the rest of the evening, never commenting on the books, just content to share them.  Eventually he took both of their books and tossed them on the coffee table and took her mouth in a fierce and smoldering kiss.  His tongue teased hers and he tugged on her bottom lip with his teeth.

 
  When he finally pulled away from her, he had a smug grin on his face.

 
  “What’s so funny?”  She asked, breathless from the staggering kiss.

 
  “I’m just glad I could put my research to good use.”

 
  “What research?”  She asked, confused.

 
  “All the tricks I just learned from your book,” he said, his smile growing wider.  She blushed at his comment.  “Don’t get all bashful on me now, Babe.  I’ve got more notes and tips I want to try out on you before this night is over.”  Ella tried to hide the fact that she really wanted him to do all those things to her.

 
  “That’s not fair. Your book was only full of soldiers and battles,” she said with a mock frown.

 
  “Well, in that case, just to make it fair, you can call me Sergeant Masters while I do things to you that you’ve only read about,” he said and gave her a self-satisfied wink.  She couldn’t help but laugh at him which continued as he hauled her up off of the couch and carried her all the way up the stairs to the bedroom. 

 
  As she thought about what happened in that bed the night before, she was sure that trading books would become a new hobby for them.  The dull ache and pull of her muscles only made her remember the places Porter had taken her last night with his hands, his mouth, and every other inch of his body.  She groaned out a smile and continued to stretch as she sat on the edge of the bed.  She turned her head to look at Porter still sleeping on the other side of the bed. 

 
  He looked peaceful and young, his dark lashed fanned out against the tan flesh of his cheeks.  He was shirtless and the chorded muscles that roped his back ran one into the other, making his body look more like a sculpture than a person.  Every muscle was defined and prominent, even in rest.  She shook her head, knowing he didn’t even have a gym membership and all that rippled muscle and toned skin was just a product of his work.  Ella was, by no means, out of shape, but she felt lazy and round when she looked at his amazing body.  The thought was fleeting though because nights like the one before only cemented in her mind that he worshipped her body.  Shivers ran through her remembering how he had paid homage every part of her.

 
  She stood up and headed to the bathroom, hoping to shower and be ready for the day by the time Porter left for work.  She thought she could spend the morning with Tilly at the restaurant.  When she was done showering, she went back into the bedroom only to find Porter still asleep on the bed.  Trying not to wake him, she dressed quickly and then went to the kitchen.  She was almost done preparing some eggs and toast for him when he came down the stairs.  He came up behind her and laid a kiss right behind her ear.

 
  “Is this what I have to look forward to once we live together full time?”

 
  Ella shrugged her shoulders.  “I’m not opposed to cooking a meal now and then, as long as it’s reciprocated,” she said, turning to smile at him over her shoulder.

 
  “You know I’m not a good cook,” he said, almost pouting.

 
  “How is it that your mom owns a restaurant and you can’t cook?”

 
  “Because my mom owns a restaurant.”  He said, like it was the clearest explanation he’d ever given.  “I ate a lot of meals there and someone else always prepared them.  My mom, for obvious reasons, never wanted to cook at home, so we ate out – a lot.”

 
  “Gotcha,” Ella said as she slid over to prepare a plate for him.  She handed him the plate and melted a little at his smile.

 
  “Thanks, Babe,” he said as he pecked a kiss on her lips and started eating.  She couldn’t help but imagine many more mornings spent this way: the two of them getting ready for the day, eating breakfast, small and not so small kisses.  It was perfect and she wanted it forever.  She smiled to herself, basking in the certainty of
them
.  He was it for her.  She’d had this thought before, a moment or two where she was reminded that he was most definitely the center of her universe.  And every time her mind and body reminded her that she was irrevocably his, she was shrouded in a peaceful contentment.  There was nothing as sweet and comforting as knowing you’d found the person that all your forevers were tied to.

Chapter Seventeen

Ella

   She spent the morning hours trying to help Tilly around the restaurant.  She cleared tables, did some dishes, but when she had tried to help a gentleman at the bar, Tilly shooed her away.

 
  “You are not an employee, Ella.  Sit down and relax,” Tilly said with an exasperated smile.

 
  “I hate just being in the way; I want to help,” Ella said, trying to sound convincing.

 
  “You could never be in the way, Honey.  If Porter thought he’d let you spend the day with me to be wiping down tables and doing dirty dishes, I’d never get him to fix a darn thing around here again.  You’re simply here to keep me company and look pretty.  Do you want a drink?”

 
  Ella laughed because it was ten in the morning.  “No thank you, maybe later.”

 
  Tilly shrugged her shoulders and gave a wink to Ella.  “When more help gets here I want to take you out for lunch.”

 
  Ella was a little surprised by the invitation.  “I don’t want to be any trouble, we can just eat here.”

 
  “I’ve eaten ninety percent of my meals for the last twenty years here.  Indulge me a little and go out to lunch with your future mother-in-law.”

 
  Ella blushed at the insinuation that she and Porter would inevitably get married – not to say that she didn’t think it was true, it was just a little soon and Ella felt silly for believing in the fairy tale aspect of their relationship.

 
  “No use getting all worked up about it. Facts are facts my dear and my son isn’t going to let you get away again.  I would bet anything on it.”

 
  “Well, the feeling’s mutual,” was all Ella could get out before she started to blush again.

 
  When lunch time came around, Tilly drove them to a little café on the waterfront.  The sun was shining and warm and it felt wonderful against her skin.  She was pleased to see there was outdoor seating and agreed enthusiastically when Tilly asked her if she wanted to sit outside.  There was a slight breeze coming off the water, bringing with it the salty-sweet scent of the ocean that she loved.

 
  Both Tilly and Ella ordered a salad with crab, something Ella would only order while at the beach so she thought it a treat of sorts.  Once they were left alone to wait for their order, Tilly asked Ella about her life before Porter: high school, college, parents, jobs.  The conversation flowed easily and Ella found herself laughing more than once and Tilly’s sweet and good natured interest in her background.  Tilly’s curiosity pushed Ella to talk about her first boyfriend, which got Tilly talking about hers.

 
  “I was a senior in high school here in Lincoln City and he was a year older than me, working at the mill.”  Her eyes went hazy and Ella could tell her mind had drifted into the past.  Tilly gave a small and quiet smile.  “Andrew was so handsome: tall, dark hair with brown eyes.  He was still young then, but he was so big and broad.  His presence was imposing sometimes, all shoulders and chest, much like Porter.”  Ella nodded her head because she knew exactly what Tilly was talking about.  “Everything about how we met was mundane and typical, no heroics or drama was involved, but it was perfect.  I was a waitress at a diner in the evenings after school and one night he came in with a few friends.  When I went to their table to take their order, I almost couldn’t speak for how handsome he was.  My brain went all silly and girly, but I managed to muddle my way through.”  Tilly’s eyes twinkled with the memory and Ella could feel the love she still had for this man radiating off of her.

 
  “He and his friends left the diner and I had this terribly rotten feeling in my gut that I would never see him again. My heart knew it was tragic.  I watched him leave and get into the backseat of a car that drove him away.  I tried to ignore the nagging from inside my brain, but even then I knew he was the one and that he had just driven away.

 
  “Well, the next night he came back in, this time alone.  He asked to sit in my section and when I saw him, I swear, I almost dropped a pot of coffee all over the floor,” she laughed at the memory.  “I had never dated any boys and had no idea how to flirt with one, so I just nervously walked over and treated him like any other customer even though my heart was pounding out of my chest and I couldn’t take my eyes off of his mouth.”  She went quiet for a few moments and Ella let the silence float between them, allowing Tilly the opportunity to relive those exciting moments that Ella was so familiar with.

 
  “He came in every night for a whole week before he got up enough nerve to ask for my phone number, even the nights I hadn’t been working.  My boss told me he came in, asked to sit in my section and then left disappointed when they’d told him I wasn’t in.  All the women who worked at the diner warned me that if I let him get away it would be a mistake.  I knew that already and didn’t need them to tell me.”

 
  “We were both still young but perhaps that made it all the more exciting.  He was my first everything, my only everything,” Tilly said with a hitch in her voice that brought the stinging of tears to Ella’s eyes.  She reached out and laid her hand gently on Tilly’s, hoping to offer some comfort to a woman simply missing the man she loved.  Tilly squeezed her hand and offered a small smile.  She took a deep breath and then continued, seeming to push through the sadness.

 
“We married three years later and a few years after that Porter came along.”  A new smile filled with pride graced her face and Ella couldn’t help but mirror it, having her own sense of pride in him.  “He was such a good father: patient, loving, fun, firm.  He loved Porter so much and wanted to teach him how to be a good man, how to be hardworking, and to have integrity.”

 
  “I think he did a wonderful job of instilling all of those traits in Porter,” Ella offered.  “And I think you did a wonderful job of raising him alone too.  It must have been so hard…”  Ella’s voice trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence, not sure she had to words to describe the loss Tilly had gone through.

 
  “One day you’ll understand the love a mother feels for her child,” Tilly said turning her head towards the ocean, looking out over the seemingly calm waters of the harbor.  “I was shattered when Andrew died, absolutely broken.  Nothing could have prepared me for how it was going to feel knowing I would
never
speak to my husband again.  Never hold his hand or kiss his lips.  Never wake up next to him, never argue with him, never get excited when he came home again.  So many things would never happen that
should
have happened.  But not one ounce of my sadness mattered when I looked at my son who had lost his father.”  Ella saw a tear slip from the corner of Tilly’s eye and she felt a knot forming in her own throat.

 
  “Porter was at a very strange age when his father died.  Twelve is old enough to understand death and how it works, but still young enough to have childlike thoughts about it.  He was still a boy, trying to become a man.  He took his father’s death very hard,” she almost whispered.

 
  “Andrew had been driving to one of Porter’s baseball games when that logging truck overturned onto his car.  He tried to never miss a game, knew how important it was for Porter to see him in the stands, cheering him on, supporting him.  The first words out of his mouth after I had told him what happened were, ‘This never would have happened if he hadn’t been on his way to my game’.” 

 
  Ella’s heart broke for the child who internalized blame for something so tragic and it broke for the woman who was sitting in front of her, full tears streaming down her face, still hurting twenty years later.  Ella tried hard not to let her emotions get the best of her, feeling like Tilly needed someone to be strong for her in that moment, but her throat was stinging painfully with cries aching to get out.  Tears welled in her eyes, but she was able, for the moment, to keep them at bay and just continued to rub and squeeze Tilly’s hand on the table.

 
  “He’s always carried around the blame for his father’s death, no matter how many times I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault.  Even two of years seeing a child psychologist could never fully ease his mind that he wasn’t responsible for the death of his father.  It’s something he’ll carry around with him forever, I’m afraid.”  Tilly looked at Ella again.  “When you were hurt, the first thing he did was blame himself.  So many things he could have done differently, according to him, that would have altered the course of things, changed the outcome.  It was just like when Andrew died all over again, only maybe a little worse because you were still out there somewhere and that made it all that much worse for him.

 
  “I know I’ve told you this before briefly, but what he went through when you didn’t remember him, it was terrible.  I’m not trying to make you feel badly about it, because Lord knows you were the biggest victim of the whole debacle, but he was so sad, Ella.  So… fractured.  You can’t ever question how much he loves you, ever, Ella.  Promise me that.  He loves you so much that the thought of being without you nearly destroyed him, quite possibly could have ended him for all the sadness that he was drowning in.”

 
  The tears she’d been holding in finally broke free and Ella pressed a hand to her chest to try and alleviate any of the pressure she felt building there.  Everything felt wrong.  The sun was shining but the darkness was taking over.  Her skin was warm but she was chilled to the bone.  “Blame and guilt are two things both Porter and I are very good at,” Ella said, using her napkin to wipe away some of her tears, even though more were following.  “I hate that he feels like he’s to blame for anything that happened to me, but I understand it because I feel it too.  I’ve got my own collection of “what ifs” that I replay in my head over and over, trying to make sense of what happened to us.  But it’s useless because nothing changes the fact that it happened.” 

 
  Ella thought about all the ways that he was fueled by the blame he placed on himself.  He internalized every feeling he had, analyzing it endlessly before opening up about it.  He felt responsible for every bad thing that had happened between them, using that as a catalyst to wallow at times in the guilt.  Ella shook her head a little at the helplessness she felt when she thought about Porter and the sadness that sometimes permeated him.  But as soon as she thought about his sadness, she was forced to think about his happiness too.  The guilt and blame also made him the possessive and protective man she’d come to love and appreciate.  He would do anything to shield her from harm and even though she wished it sprouted from something else, she couldn’t hate the passion and depth with which he loved her.

 
  “Tilly,” Ella began softly.  “I’ve never experienced any kind of loss to the degree you and Porter have suffered, and I would never presume to understand all the complicated implications his father’s death had on either of you. But I know, without one shred of doubt or uncertainty, that he loves deeper than any man I’ve known because of it.”  Ella tried to give Tilly a smile, but it was laced with sadness and tears that wouldn’t stop coming.  “He feels everything to the depth of his soul and holds on tighter because of it.”  Ella shrugged her shoulders and shook her head slightly.  “Maybe he even appreciates things more because he realizes it can all be taken away.” The words rang true with her.  Porter had experienced more loss than any person should have to deal with.  But instead of being afraid to lose her, it seemed he was afraid of not holding on tight enough, as if he thought losing her would be a product of his negligence instead of just their relationship not working out.  How could she argue with loving someone too much?  The thought made her smile.

 
  “It’s unfortunate that on some level he feels responsible for the death of his father, but that’s not something that’s likely to go away.  His need to protect and love are so deeply ingrained in him because of it. It’s a part of his DNA.  The loss he’s suffered is tragic, but he’s gained a unique perspective from it.”  Ella did manage a smile at that point.  “I’ve never felt so entirely and completely loved in my life.  His ability to take his love for me and make it tangible – it’s incredible.”  Ella shook her head and looked down at the table, removing her hand from Tilly’s.  “I’m sorry if it sounds contrite, but his love for me, it’s almost like a blanket.  I can
feel
it draped over me, keeping out the cold, wrapping me in warmth.  It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced and I’ll spend the rest of forever trying to make him feel one fraction of the love he makes me feel.”  Ella looked up to see Tilly smiling through tears, her eyes focused on Ella.

 
  “I am so glad he found you,” she said sincerely.  “I have never seen him as happy as he’s been since he met you.  He’s very lucky,” she said softly.

 
  “I think we’re both lucky,” Ella replied.

 
  They were both done discussing sad and depressing topics, and the conversation organically moved back to lighter topics of Ella’s store and her family.

 
  “Will your parents be at the cookout for the 4
th
?”

 
  “I think they’re planning on coming,” Ella smiled.