Never Far Away (20 page)

 
  “I just feel so bad that the whole time you were drowning like that, I was just living my life.  I had no idea,” she whispered.

 
  “No, you were fighting your way back to me.  We were both struggling.” 

 
  Ella nodded.  “I was looking for you, even when I didn’t know who you were.”

 
  “I know.  Your heart knew me.”

 
  They sat there for a minute, foreheads pressed together, calming each other with their deep breaths and soft touches.

 
  “Porter, let me ask you this,” the doctor said.  “Are you afraid you might lose Ella a second time?”

 
  “I won’t let that happen again,” he answered forcefully.

 
  “What do you mean by ‘again’?”

 
  Porter clenched his fist again, and Ella heard his breaths coming faster and harder.

 
  “The first time she was taken from me, it was my mistake.  I never should have let her go, at least not alone.”  Porter ran his fingers through his hair, dispelling the air from his lungs in a loud rush.  “I knew, I
knew
,” he said as he slammed his fist into his own thigh.  “I knew something wasn’t right.  My gut was telling me not to let her go home, not to let her out of my sight.  I dismissed it, thought it was just my mind just wanting to be near her.  We’d spent the week together, surely I was just lusting after her.  I told the nagging voice in my head to go away and that it would be crazy of me to demand she stay with me.  But damnit, that’s exactly what I should have done.”  Porter leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs, placing his head in his hands.

 
  “Even if I had driven a little faster, gotten to the store twenty minutes earlier, I could have stopped that bastard from shooting her.”

 
  “When your father died, did you have feelings of guilt around his death as well?”  Dr. Evans asked.  Porter looked up at her with a confused look on his face.  His brow crinkled near the bridge of his nose and he looked lost in thought.

 
  “I suppose.  I mean, I was twelve.  I remember thinking that I should have done something differently that day, should have changed something to make it so that truck hadn’t wrecked into his.  But I think that’s a perfectly acceptable reaction for a boy to have when he’s lost his father.”

 
  “I agree.  But I’d like to remind you that you haven’t lost Ella,” the doctor said, waving a hand towards Ella.  “She’s here, and for all intents and purposes, she’s fine.  She’s going to continue to be fine.  There are lots of things that could have gone differently, but they didn’t, and it’s no one’s fault.  Well, perhaps aside from the actual person who shot her.”  The doctor turned her attention back to Ella.

 
  “Ella, is there any reason Porter should place blame on himself for your injuries?”

 
  “No!”  Ella exclaimed, vehemently.  “Porter, I don’t feel that way at all,” she said turning to him. “And I’m not sure I understand why you feel that way.  Someone did this to
us
, not to just me.  I was the one who was physically injured, but you were hurt in other ways as well.  Please, Baby, you have to allow yourself to let the feeling of guilt go.  I don’t blame you, couldn’t blame you.  You’ve done nothing but take care of me and protect me from the very beginning.”

 
  “Porter, I think Ella makes a good point,” the doctor added.  “In order to heal from all this, you need to start considering yourself a victim as well.  Now, that doesn’t mean you need to wallow, but you need to feel it
with
Ella and try not to remove yourself from what happened.  Like she said, it happened to you too.  If you spend time and energy on feeling guilty, you’ll be wasting time and energy that could have been spent on other things.  Like love and being with Ella without the confines that the guilt brings upon the relationship.”

 
  “What does that mean exactly, Dr. Evans?”

 
  “Well, if Porter is constantly feeling guilt over his perceived blame for your injuries, he cannot be fully invested in the relationship.  The guilt and the blame will always be lurking under the surface and eventually he might start to resent the fact that he cannot be fully happy with you, that he will always have these feelings.”  Ella looked over at Porter and noticed he was deep in thought.

 
  This was not what she had anticipated.  She had been prepared to defend her relationship with Porter, to explain that even though they hadn’t actually been together for a significant amount of time, that their commitment to each other was solid.  She still believed this to be true.  However, to hear the doctor tell her that Porter’s issues with his guilt may, in the end, cause them to drift apart, made her pulse race.  She couldn’t lose Porter, wouldn’t.  As if a switch had been flipped, something within her snapped into place, some piece that had been missing.  There was absolutely no way she was going to let someone else’s action come in between them.  Porter had fought so hard for her and now it was her turn to fight for him.  To fight for them.

 
  “I don’t resent Ella for any of this,” Porter said, quietly.

 
  “And that’s good,” the doctor started.  “But that doesn’t mean that after a prolonged period of feeling guilty, you might not start to resent the relationship.”  Porter turned to look at Ella.

 
  “I could never resent you for anything that’s happened.  None of it was your fault.”

 
  “None of it was your fault either, Porter.  You need to listen to Dr. Evans.  I need you to listen to her and to listen to me.  I can’t lose you, Porter.  This is important.”  Porter was quiet for a moment, obviously lost in thought.  He turned towards the doctor with a question.

 
  “Dr. Evans, can I ask you something?”

 
  “Sure.  Go ahead.”

 
  “As we stated earlier, Ella and I met and fell in love rather quickly.  Her family had a hard time accepting our relationship because of the timeframe.  I have absolutely no doubt that Ella and I were supposed to meet and fall in love at the beach.  My life is changed because of her and I wouldn’t go back for anything.  What I want to know is this:  From your professional standpoint, are there any issues that could arise from Ella and me entering into our relationship so quickly and continuing to move forward with each other.”

 
  “What do you mean by move forward?”  Dr. Evans asked with her head cocked to one side.

 
  “Well, I mean advance in our relationship.  Ella and I are going to move in together and we’re going to build a house.  Do you think it’s too soon?”  Dr. Evans contemplated Porter’s question and seemed to move in her seat to make herself more comfortable.

 
  “When I think about healthy and stable relationships, I am not thinking about length of time together or how long they’ve been dating.  I think about communication, mutual respect, and intimacy,” the doctor explained, looking both Ella and Porter in the eyes.  “If you feel like Ella is someone you want to be with and she reciprocates those feelings, as long as you both have those things, there shouldn’t be any concern with the amount of time you’ve been together.  You are placing other people’s expectations and confines of traditional relationships on your own and that could cause harm where there is no need or concern for it.  Let me ask you this, Porter.  Do you feel obsessive towards Ella?  Are you finding it hard to focus on work or your day to day activities?  Do you find yourself making rash decisions or doing things that are uncharacteristic of yourself in order to see her or be with her?”

 
  “I think about her all the time, but not in an obsessive way.  I think about her in a loving way.  Just about how lucky I am to have found her and then found her again, despite all the obstacles.  I think about our future, whether it be in the distance or what we’re going to do that evening.  I think about how beautiful she is and how I’ve never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with her.”  Porter paused for a moment, and Ella grasped his hand tighter.  “I have rearranged my life for her, but only because it isn’t my life anymore – it’s ours.”

 
  Dr. Evans looked over at Ella and let Porter’s words sink in.  “Ella, what about you?  Are you obsessive about Porter?  Are you making rash decisions?”

 
  Ella looked over at him.  She could see in his face how much he needed to hear that what they were doing wasn’t crazy.  That even though they had all the odds stacked against them, they would make it through to their forever.

 
  “The only thing out of the ordinary about our relationship is the time factor, that our feelings for each other have progressed so quickly.  Besides that, and the whole amnesia thing,” Ella said with a wave of her hand, “everything is as it should be.  We are enjoying each other, getting to know each other, learning about each other.  The only difference between what Porter and I have and any other relationship, is that I know, with more surety and certainty than I have ever known anything else, that there is nothing I am going to learn about Porter that will change my mind about being with him forever.  I know all the important stuff.  At this point, the rest of it is just noise.”

 
  Ella saw him smile at her, knowing that he remembered speaking those exact words to her at the beach house.  It was true then and it was still true now.  When he had spoken those words, it was her who needed reassurance, and now it was Porter who was looking for her to give him the assurance he needed.  Ella would do anything to make sure he knew she wasn’t going anywhere.

 
  “You kids are going to be fine,” the doctor said with a smile.  Ella couldn’t help but smile back at her because she knew the doctor was right.

Chapter Thirteen

Ella

   With a prescription in hand, Ella left the doctor’s office with Porter following close behind.  The doctor suggested that Ella come back for weekly appointments to try and help her transition into taking the medication and dealing with her anxiety.  Dr. Evans said she didn’t feel Porter needed to come back immediately unless his feelings of guilt or blame didn’t start to decrease soon, or something else became an issue for him.  They made it out to the sidewalk and Ella paused as Porter came to stand in front of her.

 
  “Well,” Ella said.  “That was more exhausting than I had imagined it would be.”  She took a step into him and rested her cheek against his chest.  She felt his arms come around her neck and she snuggled in a little closer.  She couldn’t help but smile a little at his scent of soap and wood.  It was a scent she would love to smell over and over again.  She inhaled deeply and felt his chest shake a little with laughter.

 
  “Everything ok down there?” He chuckled.

 
  “Yes.  You smell good.”

 
  “Are you hungry?  It’s about dinner time,” he said, brushing some hair back from the side of her face.

 
  “I could eat.  Want to go back to my place?”

 
  “No, I have other plans.”

 
  “Oh you do?”  She said, as she pulled back far enough to give him a questioning look.

 
  “Yes.  Leave your car here.  We’ll come back for it later,” he said matter-of-factly, and took her by the hand, leading her to his truck. She didn’t argue or mind.  He opened her door for her and she loved the feeling of his hands on her hips as he lifted her into the cab.  Would she ever tire of feeling his hands on her body?  She hoped not.  She watched him walk around the front of the truck, and when he got in, she let her eyes graze all the way down his body noticing how his muscles were evident through his shirt.

 
  “Enjoying the view?” Porter asked with a smug grin.

 
  “Immensely,” she returned his smile.  “Where are we going?”

 
  “Out to dinner.”

 
  Ella took his short answer and decided it was all she was going to get out of him, so she decided to just enjoy the ride.  She unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted down the bench seat until she was right next to him, and she laid her hand on his thigh, resting her head on his shoulder.

 
  “Buckle up, Ella,” he said, sounding more demanding than pleading.  Ella rolled her eyes towards the ceiling of the truck, feigning annoyance at his protective nature.  In reality, she thought it was sexy as hell when he worried about her.  She would never take for granted that when she was with him she always felt safe.

 
  As he maneuvered the truck down the highway, Ella took the opportunity to admire one of her favorite spots in Portland.  Driving towards a tunnel, completely surrounded by trees and brush, once you emerge from the other side all you can see are skyscrapers.  The sudden and immediate transition from greenery to cityscape is something that always amazed Ella.  It spoke volumes about the city of Portland as a whole; you were never far from a completely different landscape.  If you drove an hour from the city in any direction you could encounter an ocean, rivers, a mountain, endless fields of crops, waterfalls, not to mention the windsurfing capital of the world.  You had to be completely lazy and blind not to notice everything that surrounded Portland.

 
  “I love this tunnel,” Ella said quietly as they drove out the East end to a different kind of forest made of buildings instead of trees.  “I love the juxtaposition.  One second you’re surrounded by trees, then bam, buildings and bridges.”

 
  “I never really noticed that before,” Porter said thoughtfully.  Ella shrugged her shoulders and smiled at him.  They traveled in silence as she took in the sights of the city and the boats on the river.  The fourth of July was quickly approaching, and she could see preparations being made on the waterfront for the annual Blues Festival.

 
  Ella couldn’t keep herself from cringing as Porter squeezed his giant truck down the narrow and busy streets of downtown.  Every time she covered her eyes and made scared yelps, Porter chuckled and patted her on the thigh.

 
  “You think I’m going to hit something with my truck?”  He laughed.

 
  “It’s just so big.  I don’t know how you control it the way you do.”  Porter looked over at her and waggled his eyebrows.  It took her a moment, but she finally realized what she had said and slapped him in the chest.   “You know what I mean!”

 
  “I’m an expert at getting big things in tight spaces,” he said, not even trying to hide his smile.  Ella pulled away from him, trying to put a frown on over the smile that was surely taking over her face.

 
  “What are you, fourteen?” She teased.  Porter shrugged as he pulled into an available space on the street to park.

 
  “I’m a guy, Babe.  I call ‘em like I see ‘em.  We’re here,” he said as he pointed across the street.

 
  Ella looked up to the Rock Bottom Brewery, one of Ella’s most favorite restaurants in Portland.

 
  “Babe, I love this place.”

 
  “I know.  I asked Megan where I should take you.”

 
  They hopped out of the truck and headed towards the restaurant.  Ella hadn’t been there in months and she was already perusing the menu in her mind, thinking about what she would order.  When they walked in they were met with the sounds of a busy restaurant: plates clanking, people laughing, doors from the kitchen swinging open.  The restaurant was made entirely of a dark wood and even in the brightest of late Spring evenings, you could still feel the dark golden light reflecting off the wood creating the aura of an intimate setting.  Ella loved that you could find any type of person here:  Business women and men, college students, families, and the ever-present hipster.  It was the beer that brought everyone in.  Portland was famous for its beer and Rock Bottom definitely upheld the reputation.

 
  A young brunette hostess brought them to a table with a small candle lit on the surface.  After they sat down Ella ordered her favorite beer and Porter took the same.

 
  “I can see why you like this place,” Porter said, smiling at her.  She melted at his smile.  After such an emotional afternoon with Dr. Evans, it felt good to see him happy, even if his worries were only suspended for the moment.  She reached across the table and took his hand.

 
  “I love you,” she said, only making him smile bigger.

 
  “I know, Babe.  I love you too.”

 
  “I just want to make sure you understand that.  I know things are difficult, but I love you and nothing will change that, ever.”  He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, sending small shivers throughout her body.

 
  “Ella, I don’t want you worrying about me.  I heard what the doctor said, and I’ve taken it in.  But nothing in the world could make my love for you turn into something resentful.  The only thing I resent is that it took thirty-two years for you to come into my life.”

 
  Ella bit on her bottom lip, trying to walk the fine line between trusting what he was saying and making really sure he understood where she was coming from.

 
  “Just promise me something,” she asked, begging him with her eyes.

 
  “Anything.”

 
  “Promise me that you’ll talk to me about what you’re feeling in regards to the accident and your guilt.  I don’t want that to come between us.”

 
  “Done.”  He said quickly in agreement.  Ella was skeptical.

 
  “Porter, I’m serious.”

 
  “So am I.  I have no reason to hide any of this from you, that’s not how I operate.”

 
  “Ok.”

 
  “Can we just have a relaxing meal now?  I want to enjoy a dinner with my girlfriend and just let the stress of the last couple hours fall away.”

 
  “Done,” she replied with a smile.  His smile returned, just as she’d hoped it would.  With the touchy subject behind them, they spent the next hour chatting and eating what Ella thought to be the best bacon cheeseburger she’d ever had.  They managed to learn things about each other that hadn’t previously come up in conversation between them.  Ella almost felt guilty that she had no idea when Porter’s birthday was, but immediately pulled out her phone to program a reminder for October first.  He did the same for hers on April tenth, although they laughed about how neither one of them could ever forget her birthday.

 
  “Best and worst day of my life,” Ella chuckled.

 
  “More good than bad though, I hope,” Porter said, caressing her hand again.

 
  “Of course.”  She smiled at him sweetly.

 
  “Are you about ready to go?”  He said as he signed the receipt the waitress had left on their table.

 
  “Yes.  Are we going to pick up my car?”

“No, Megan picked it up while we were eating.”

   “What?  Why?”  Ella was supremely confused.

 
  “Don’t you worry about it.  I’ve made plans.  Trust me.”  Well, how could she argue with that.

 
  “Ok.  What’s next?”

 
  “It’s a surprise,” he said looking directly into her eyes, his voice low and sexy.  Excitement ran through her body with his sultry words.  He stood up and held his hand out for her to take.   She gripped his hand tightly, trying to contain her rapid pulse.  When they made it out to the truck he opened her door for her and again took her by the waist and lifted her onto the seat.  He placed his hands on either side of her knees, keeping her legs hanging out of the truck.

 
  “Since it’s a surprise, you’re going to have to keep your eyes closed.”  She smirked at him, his playfulness welcomed by her.  “However, I don’t trust you not to peek, so we’re going to have to resort to drastic measures.”  He pulled a bandana out of his back pocket and started folding it up to be long and narrow.  Ella’s eyes darted between the bandana and his face.

 
“You’re going to blindfold me?”  He didn’t answer, just nodded his head, never removing his eyes from hers.  “Are you serious?”  Again with the nodding.  She’d never been blindfolded before, well, except during piñatas at birthday parties in grade school, but she very much doubted this type of blindfolding was anywhere near that realm.  Letting a man blindfold her wasn’t anything she’d ever experienced before.  He continued to let his eyes burn into her, waiting for what?  Her permission?  Her acceptance?  She decided that if there was anyone on the planet she trusted enough to let them blindfold her, it was Porter.  She closed her eyes and bowed her head towards him, giving him the surrender he seemed to be looking for.

 
  She felt him wrap the cloth around her head and gently tie a knot in the back. 

 
  “Is it too tight?”  He asked quietly.  She shook her head.  His fingers left the back of her head and traced lightly over her cheeks and she felt him urge her face forward.  She felt his lips connect with hers and she was instantly lost in the tender way his kissed her.  The excitement she felt by his blindfolding her coupled with the gentleness in his kiss had her reeling.  He pulled away but left his forehead resting up against hers. 

 
  “You kill me with that mouth,” he rasped.  His comment made her smile.

 
  “Where are you taking me?” she whispered.

 
  “Oh no, I’m not telling.  We’ll be there soon.”  With that, he nudged her knees inside the truck.  She felt him reach around her to buckle her seatbelt and then close her door.  The truck fired to life and the roar and vibration of the engine only intensified her climbing arousal.

 
  “Hang on, Baby,” he said.  Ella could hear the smile in his voice.