Never Forever (17 page)

Tenderly I walk over to him, standing just inches away from his face. Looking into his eyes I lift my hand and place it on the side of his cheek. His skin feels soft and warm against the cool touch of my hand. My fingers softly stroke the stubble on his face as my hand lovingly glides across his warm cheek. He leans against my hand, closing his eyes as he takes in every bit of my touch. Tears begin to fill my eyes as I gaze at his face. My mind burns into memory every detail of him; his soft, sumptuous lips, firm jaw line framed by his perfect whiskers, his sensuous eyes that can gaze right through me. But most of all, my mind burns into memory his genuine love towards Noah.

Letting my tears wash my face, I lean in, affectionately kissing the side of his cheek. Pulling away I utter softly, “Then let me be the one to let you go. Thank you for everything. But most of all thank you for letting me feel love again, even if it was just for a brief moment in time. I didn’t think I could ever love again and now I know I can,” a slight pause rolls over me. Fighting back my trepidation I add, “You will be able to love again, it just won’t be me.”

His eyes rip open, staring at me with an incredulous expression. Pulling his face away from my hand he raises his hand, gripping onto my wrist firmly, “Bloody hell, stop! If it means that I lose everything, so be it. You are being a bloody stubborn arse right now. If you think I will be able to love anyone else you are being ridiculous!” His grip on my wrist tightens with his emotions, causing my fingers to go numb.

Looking deep into his eyes I spit out, “I am not being a stubborn
arse
! I am the only one being reasonable. I will not allow you to lose everything, least of all a family that loves you. I know what it is like to not have a family and I will not curse you with that kind of life. You are engaged to Emily, let yourself love her.”

“No! I could never love someone who so maliciously sent you into the depths of hell to be attacked and even almost…” his eyes blaze in anger as I witness his need for me transform into bitter disgust.

“Lower your voice, Noah is asleep,” I command.

The heat penetrating off of his hand burns my skin. As I attempt to pull my hand away he tightens his grip, “I will not let you both go.” He holds onto my arm as if it is his last attempt at keeping me close to him.

“Callum, let go of me,” ripping my hand free I firmly stare into his eyes. Our eyes lock in a surging battle. His usually calm nature evaporates, revealing a fiery side to him. He seems to be fighting for more than just me, but a sense of freedom in his choices. His world has been scripted his whole life and this is the first time he has been able to make a choice in his life.

Grabbing hold of my nerve, I end this battle stating in a commanding voice, “Good-bye, Callum.” Turning my back on him so he won’t see my tears, I add, “Leave now!”

A furious wave rolls behind me, surging up my spine as my back remains to him. I can feel Callum’s eyes peering right through me, making me wish I didn’t have to make that statement. Holding my breath, I maintain my firm stance.

Suddenly the door behind me slams, sending shock waves into my soul, shattering the courage I have been pretending. Dropping down to the floor I expel all my tears. Pulling a blanket off of the bed I wrap it around me, attempting to feel some kind of warmth. Gripping the blanket tightly within my hands I cry vigorously, soaking the blanket. Looking down at the tweed cover, I instantly recall the night I first realized I was falling in love with him. Pain rips through me even more. Gazing around the room I remember all the details of this past week, like a tortuous nightmare, dangling everything I want just outside of my grasp.

Sitting in this agonizing room I instantly realize that I need to leave, tonight. I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t chance running into Callum, Olivia, or even Emily tomorrow. I know what I need to do and I can’t allow any trepidation to invade my courage. Hastily I start throwing all my things together, trying not to wake anyone in the process. I have run away from homes before. I am very capable of sneaking out unnoticed, but I have never done it with a baby. Quietly I call for a cab, explaining to the driver not to enter the property but to pick me up at the end of their private road.

Placing Noah in his baby carrier, I gather all of my things as I quietly sneak out of my room. A wave of relief washes off of me as I walk away from the room. My hopes shed from my mind with every step I take down the long hall. Carefully I maneuver the winding hallway, making sure I don’t accidentally run into Callum. Silence looms all around me, making the whistling air almost scream in my ears.

Softly I walk past the large sitting room. Gazing in at the vast emptiness, my mind replays the scene from tonight. Peering into the darkness I notice the large ceiling-to-floor windows at the end of the room. As I look out into the night I catch sight of someone leaning against the large cement railing. My heart stops as I realize who the figure is. Callum is standing dejectedly, looking out into the empty night. Gripping onto my courage I fight back my innate desire to comfort him, turning my back on him.

I cautiously head towards the front door, trying to escape unnoticed. Sliding out the front door, the cold, moist air hits my body with a stinging sensation. The moisture pierces Noah, causing him to whimper slightly. Wrapping a blanket around the carrier, I begin running towards the edge of the property.

The thick fog wraps around me, making it difficult to see anything. My feet stammer on the ground, traipsing across the road on just instinct. The fog has a silver glow to it from the moonlight trying to break through. The mist encapsulates the surrounding trees lining the entrance, appearing as if a black and white photo has been smeared with water, causing the sharp lines to blur into the surroundings. A sense of loneliness whispers on the edges of the mist, enhancing my emotional situation. Moisture seizes me to the core, soaking all my belongings. The cold, wet air dances on my face mixing with my warm, salty tears and leaving my skin soaked from this tango of moisture.

The blinding surroundings cause me to stop, trying to get my bearings, when suddenly I notice the bright lights of a car up ahead. A jolt of relief springs within me as I hastily head towards the safety of my escape. Breathlessly I reach the cab, open the door and proceed to throw everything inside. Turning back towards the manor I suddenly notice a light within the room I was staying in turn on. Panic washes over me as I realize someone is discovering my unexpected escape. The light instantly turns off, sending a surging wave of panic over me.

Jumping into the cab I utter forcefully, “Drive now.” He peels out, causing a slight sputter of gravel to spew out from behind the car. Gripping tightly onto Noah my tears begin to expel down my face. Unsuccessfully I try and fight my urge not to look, turning around I notice the lights of the front porch turning on. The shimmering rays of the light bouncing off of the fog send a beam straight through my heart. My heart breaks as the glue that once held me together shatters apart, leaving me a raw, vacant shell. Things will now be very different.

Promise

The
steady hum from all the returning students vibrates off of the surrounding buildings. The rough bark of this large, unique oak tree is such a sharp contrast to the soft, supple grass as I sit here watching Cambridge come back to life. All the students are the city’s life blood. The city and Cambridge University are one; without all the intricate workings of the colleges which form Cambridge, this town would be an empty shell. Even above the myriad of shops and pubs are several lecture rooms. I watch as some professors scurry out of their classrooms and into the awaiting pubs for a quick pint before heading back up to get their rooms ready for the influx of students tomorrow.

Leaning back I look up at the large branches of the oak tree dancing over my head. Bright green leaves swirl over me, causing the sunlight to skip across my face. A warm breeze whirls across me with the smells of sweet flowers, wet grass and strong, dark tea. Taking in a deep breath I fill my lungs full of all the surrounding smells. A strong, retched stench suddenly overpowers everything, stinging my nose. Noah had been sleeping nicely on my lap as we both soak in the needed fresh air. Looking down at Noah I notice his once restful expression has now transformed to one of deep concentration.

Instantly I realize how unprepared I am for this situation. Since we arrived back at our flat yesterday, I couldn’t stand sitting around looking at the crib set Callum had let me use anymore. The crib was just a constant reminder of another loss in my life. Deciding to wipe my slate clean, I packed up the crib set this morning. After my expressive purging I needed to get out of my flat as soon as possible. I had hastily left my flat, wanting some sort of escape. I grabbed hold of Noah and nothing else, leaving his diaper bag back at the flat.

Another strong aroma invades the sweet smells around me. Bending down, I utter softly, “Well, Noah, I guess you have decided that our time out here is done.” A full smile spreads across my face as I gaze down into his brilliant eyes.

Getting up from my restful spot I notice out of the corner of my eye a large group heading into one of the pubs. Their joyful laughter rings in my ear with a sudden sense of familiarity. A low, yet shrilling voice cuts through all the noise.

“Breanna,” this strange yet familiar voice calls to me.

A sudden bolt of panic explodes throughout my body. Looking up I notice a fellow classmate from my only other class heading towards me. Because of my late acceptance to the University I was only able to get two classes, English and American History, which I thought was funny to take here. Conner Fairfield is a sweet, yet kind of irritating boy. As far as his age goes he is probably older than Callum, but socially he acts like a know-it-all young boy. He always tries to assist me with my classwork, assuming that I know nothing about my own country’s history. He has strong, handsome features, but as soon as he opens his mouth his features transform from good-looking to nerdy. His sandy blonde hair is always perfectly styled with a sharp, straight part just slightly off the middle; making me want to put my hands in his hair and vigorously mess it up. He would actually be good looking if he knew how to relax the imaginary solid rod that is shoved up inside of him – even just a little bit. Everything on him is perfectly placed and polished. An air of arrogance and superiority rolls all over him as if everyone else is beneath him. His proper posture and manner gives off a slight feminine edge. As long as he keeps his mouth shut I don’t mind being around him, but in this particular situation I can tell that he is definitely planning on talking to me.

His seamlessly pressed khakis and polo shirt mirror his rigid personality perfectly. Not a single item of clothing is out of place or wrinkled. A large smile spreads across his face as he rushes over to me. Suddenly he stops just inches away from me. His nose slightly wrinkles up, pulling up the top of his lip with it. An expression of horrific disgust rolls across his face, twisting his looks into a humorous expression. Gazing around curiously, he utters, “What is that most wretched smell?” The pitch to his shrilling voice increases, causing me to laugh.

Quickly I cover my mouth, trying to hide my apparent snicker. He has talked to me before but I have never heard his voice sound like this. Mixed into his squeaking tone is an occasional gag reflex ripping through him, causing his face to twist and crinkle up. His smooth skin and masculine features transform into a scary and quite wimpy expression, now complementing his piercing voice. 

A wave of revulsion crawls up my spine and rolls over my head. I have never seen a man react this way to just a baby’s diaper. I watch him continue sniffing, trying to figure out where the smell is coming from. I bite down hard onto my tongue, trying to fight a bubbling urge within me to tell him to just “grow a pair.” Pushing down my arsenic words I simply utter, “The smell is coming from my son. I need to get him back to my flat so I can change him.”

“Wow, I never knew babies could smell that atrocious,” a true shocked expression mingled with revulsion consumes his face.

Instantly my eyes open wide in astonishment. A force of disbelief drops down on me, nearly pushing me to the ground. How ignorant and sheltered is this stupid prick? I can’t believe he just insulted my son right in front of me, “Yeah, isn’t it amazing? I am sure your shit smells like roses and honeysuckle.” His face drops in astonishment towards what I just uttered.

I am not in any kind of mood to deal with him today. I just want to leave and go back to my lonely flat and change Noah’s diaper. Immediately I turn my back on him and proceed to walk away. My annoyance with him instantly mixes with the anger I am feeling towards Callum, forming a dangerous cocktail. The brew flows through my veins, causing my body to bubble with a vengeful heat.

“Wait, Breanna!” Conner calls out to me. “I am sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you,” though the tone to his voice is still high, he has regained some control to it.

Turning around I gaze forcefully towards him, “What do you want, Conner?”

Suddenly my heart drops down to the pit of my stomach as I notice Callum and several of his mates walking up to a pub just behind Conner. My eyes narrow as I stare right through Conner. Though his mouth is moving, I can’t hear anything Conner is saying, my attention is transfixed onto Callum. My heart spins around within my stomach, causing the vengeful bile ripping through me to taint my heart. Piercing rage flows through my body as I watch Callum happily mingling with his friends, while I stand here in misery. Heartbreak and hatred explode out of me, flowing across the street and hitting Callum directly in the chest, causing him to turn in my direction. Suddenly his caramel eyes meet my gaze. His expression abruptly changes, revealing a sorrowful countenance. Our eyes lock onto each other, causing my anger to break apart like shattered glass. A sensation of want mingled with heartache rips through me now as I am forced to look at him, knowing that I can never taste his lips or his love again.

His eyes quickly glance over at Conner, who is still talking to me, triggering a glimpse of jealousy to roll through his eyes. He glances back at me wearing a mask of distrust and envy. Both of us silently call to each other, but neither one is willing to move. This is the first time I have seen him since I left his house. I knew I was going to have to face him. I just thought it would be in class, not here and not now.

Our world is moving in slow motion as our eyes remain transfixed onto each other. My chest swells, causing my bra to feel tight against it. The only sounds I can hear are my slow, deep breaths and heart slamming against my ribcage. The one thing keeping me grounded to reality is the occasional whiff of Noah’s dirty diaper still penetrating the air surrounding me. A pleading sensation rolls off of Callum, burning me to the very core. My heart is pulling me closer to him. He is what I want and need. I don’t think I can fight it. Suddenly the bubble we are enveloped in is burst by a female’s hand sliding tenderly across Callum’s shoulder.

Shaking my reality back into view, I notice Emily now standing next to Callum. The anger that had been shattered instantly envelops my heart again, slamming the door to my heart once more. The vengeful bile once again creeps through my veins like black blood feeding my damaged heart. Turning towards Conner I notice that he is still talking to me, completely unaware of the hypnotic state I have been in.

“Well Breanna, would you like to?”

Looking at him questioningly I utter, “Would I like to what?”

His pompous expression drops, revealing for the first time a sense of vulnerability, “Would you like to accompany me on a date this weekend?”

I had been zoning out the whole time he had been apparently asking me out on a date. I have been too busy locked in my heart’s true desire, that I didn’t hear one thing Conner had said. Didn’t he even realize that I was not listening to him, let alone even looking at him? Quickly I glance up at Emily, whose hand is still placed on Callum’s shoulder lovingly, causing my anger to intensify. Callum’s eyes are still locked onto me, completely disregarding Emily’s touch. His eyes, though, are now bouncing back and forth between me and Conner, completely aware that Conner is asking me out.

Reality washes over me. Callum is moving on and so should I. Why fight my world anymore? It nips at my heels like an unruly dog. I am not allowed to have what I want. I was born into hell and no matter how hard I try to escape it or change my situation it will always suck me back in.

Turning back towards Conner I utter reluctantly, “Yeah, I will go out with you.”

A pretentious smile creeps across his face, “You mean, yes, I will go on a date with you,” he corrects my grammar.

Irritation rips up my spine, tearing at my flesh. I silently stare at him, trying not to disclose my anger I am feeling for him. It is bad enough that he insulted my son, but then to go and correct my response is unfathomable. His blind arrogance and complete stupidity is amazing. I wonder if he has ever gone on a second date, let alone a first. If he thinks that I am blessed to be able to go out with him, he is living a lie. I only accepted his date because of my present mind set and discouraged situation. My hands begin quivering as I try to fight away the urge to just tell him off. Turning my back on him I begin walking away before I regret my decision.

Yelling back at me, he utters, “Fantastic. I will communicate with you in class about it, then.”

My walk home was spent shaking my head rapidly back and forth, recalling the events of today. Walking into my flat, lying in the middle of the floor is the dismantled crib set. Irritation wraps around me like an old familiar friend. I have spent my whole life being mad and irritated at the world and those who are supposed to love me. The only one who exacted any love for me was repossessed from life, like he was never supposed to be for me in the first place.

Walking over to the changing table I quickly remove the cause of Noah’s smell and discomfort. A sense of relief shines within his eyes as he begins kicking and cooing joyfully. Lying him down inside of his portable crib, I allow him to play. Walking over to my dresser I grab an envelope from my top drawer. Tracing the wrinkled envelope with my fingers I sit dejectedly down on my bed. I begin gazing at the dirty fold line cutting right through the middle of my name like a symbolic sword splitting me in two.

Andrew’s handwriting was always better than mine. He would take time printing each one of the letters in my name with precise placement and technique. I used to have him write my school papers for me because the teachers could read his writing better than mine, which was unique for a boy. Usually it is the girl who has better handwriting. Slowly I take out the long lined paper containing a letter that Andrew had written to me before he died. The pain of that day is so real that it still glides across the surface of my skin like a razor scraping off the epidermis layer, exposing the soft, unprotected dermis layer.

I can remember lying in a fetal position on the floor of our apartment, looking around at all Andrew’s things like he was going to walk through the door at any moment. His change of clothing was still strewn across the floor from the day before. I used to get so mad at him for not putting his clothes away, but on that day I was grateful he didn’t. I remember walking over to his shirt and gently grabbing hold of it, sniffing it tenderly. His shirt smelled of a strong, clean, musky odor intertwined with the aroma of soap and a fading hint of cologne. He always used to wear cologne that enhanced his natural luscious smell. I used to place my nose on the nape of his neck, inhaling him softly while kissing him.