Never Forever (19 page)

The air within the room thickens, making it hard for me to breath. Anxiety pulsates throughout my chest as I try and grasp the reality of my life. The faster I run the harder my past pulls on me, like a mouse attempting to free an elephant from quicksand. Looking up into Charlotte Hughes’ eyes I notice a glimpse of remorse streaming through them. My breathing intensifies as a chill runs up my neck, causing the hair on my neck to stand erect. Slowly I go to give her a response, when suddenly there is a loud knock at my door. My body jumps at the sudden sound, breaking the silence. Quivering jolts vibrate throughout my body, causing me to tremble slightly.

Hastily I walk over to the door, trying to avoid answering her question. Swinging the door open I am suddenly taken aback, “Breanna, we need to talk. You cannot bloody run away and then avoid me. I am going off my trolley right now.”

“Callum, is that you?” Charlotte Hughes echoes from behind me.

“Mum?” he replies in complete shock.

An instant wave of irritation slams against me. Of course Callum would have to show up when his mother is here. Let’s just make the prospects of my life a Hughes family decision. Looking up at Callum’s face I notice his eyes narrow, causing the liquid caramel color to solidify like his mother’s. A firm expression now consumes his face, holding his once soft countenance hostage. He gazes down at me, translating his apologies with his eyes.

Firmly pushing the door open he stomps aggressively into my flat. “Mother, what in bloody hell are you doing here in Breanna’s flat?” his voice is firm with a thick layer of acid spewing off of each word.

Charlotte’s eyes harden, mirroring Callum’s, “Callum, do not talk to me like that.” Her voice is firm as she spits out her demands like an angry parent correcting a willful child.

“I will bloody speak to you as I damn well please, Mother. You have no right coming here, putting your bloody demands and qualifications on Breanna!”

Suddenly Noah begins to whimper slightly as Callum and his mother continue arguing. I feel like an intruder in my own home as a sea of angry comments, laced with a now heavy British accent, rolls out of them. A continual rapid fire of incoherent slang, swear words, and rebuking flows out of their mouths. I can now see where Olivia gets her tempestuous nature from. Callum’s mother had been able to control her emotions with me, but now both Callum and his mother have given in to the gutterick speech, causing their accents to thicken into a garbled mess.

Tenderly I pick up Noah, cuddling him close to my bosom. His soft, yet wiry features melt into me as a significant amount of arguing continues behind us. Holding Noah against me I attempt to soothe him when suddenly a clear statement vibrates out of Callum, “I know she is American trailer rubbish, but I don’t bloody care, I still love her.”

Though Callum knows where I come from, he has never made me feel like trash…until now. I have never heard him refer to me in a derogatory way, even if he is just repeating what his mother had stated. His words pierce my heart with a sting that can never be repaired. Words don’t leave your body black and blue, but they bruise the soul and taint the mind. His words definitely bruised my soul. My mind spins rapidly as the atmosphere within my flat intensifies. The heated anger expelling from them matches my own heated rage, causing the tension to affect Noah’s mood. He is fussing and fidgeting with aggressive jerks, as if his body is mimicking the contentious atmosphere.

Walking over to the dresser, I grab a diaper and persist in freshening him up. Neither Callum nor his mother is aware of me or Noah. They are still consumed in their heated debate. My flat has transformed into the one thing I always resented, my mother’s home. Growing up our home was filled with yelling and contention. It was never a place to escape to – it was what I always tried to escape from. A resolute awkwardness presses down on me as I listen to them fighting about me and my disreputable history. This environment is becoming poison for both Noah and I. Instead of throwing them both out, I decide to flee. Remembering to grab Noah’s diaper bag this time, I rush out my door.

Heading out of the building’s main exit, I am hit by the cool, twilight air enveloping me as it begins extinguishing the raging fire that burns within me. A heavy mist delicately falls, tainting the surroundings with a coruscating sparkle as it sticks to everything like glitter being poured over the entire city. The roads are quiet, as usual. Most people walk or ride bikes from place to place, despite the weather. This night is no different. The roads are dotted with groups of people intermingling with each other, a perfect backdrop for me to get lost in. Wrapping a blanket tightly around Noah, I abscond through the crowds of people, hoping to intertwine with the throngs of individuals.

The twilight sky mingles with the delicate mist, covering everything, setting the city ablaze. The black shadows of buildings and trees invade my vision with their colorless images against a lit backdrop. The fading skylight washes away everyone’s details of their faces, leaving only their silhouettes. The darkening street suddenly is brought to life by the illuminating power of street lamps and interior lights radiating out from all the windows. The lights heighten the crystal appearance caused by all the millions of droplets over everything. The brilliant lights delicately dance on the surface of the River Cam with a glistening kaleidoscope of bright yellow lights.

Peace begins to envelop me, shedding the tension and heartache of tonight from me. Standing on the edge of the River Cam, I watch as the light bounces off of my mirror reflection. The girl within the water echoes the call uttered by Callum’s mom – leave. Staring down into the reflection I catch sight of someone approaching me. Abruptly I spin on my heels, facing the invader of my respite.

“Callum, what are you doing here?” I utter in breathless surprise.

Callum apprehensively approaches me. Though the twilight sky has dissipated into darkness, the glowing lights from all the buildings bounce off of his face, revealing his incredulous expression. Sweat glistens around the top of his forehead like he has been ardently running, trying to find me. Grabbing hold of my shoulders he utters, “Please tell me that my mum is wrong,” though his voice is firm, it is laced with an almost pleading demand.

His hands grip tightly onto me, holding me firmly in front of him. His fingers dig into the soft hollow spaces on the tops of my shoulders, causing my arms to tingle in pain. The lights shimmer off of his heavily shadowed face, exposing his tortuous expression. The torrid nature of the argument he and his mother had been in shines vibrantly off of him, like red hot coals left smoldering.

“Callum, let go of me. You are hurting me,” I state firmly, as I gaze at several bystanders looking in our direction.

“Tell me Breanna, are you leaving?” He continues holding onto me but loosens his grip slightly, allowing the pain in my arm to dissipate.

“Why do you care anyway? I am just American trailer rubbish, remember?” I utter vehemently.

A disconsolate exhale rushes through his full lips, causing his body to deflate. Relinquishing his grip on me, his eyes lose their luster as he looks down upon me apologetically, “Breanna, I didn’t mean…”

“Stop,” I interrupt, not wanting to hear a frivolous apology, “What I do is no longer your concern.” A heavy sigh rolls off of me, “I come from trash. I have always known it, and now I know you believe it, too.”

Turning my back on him I begin hastily walking away when suddenly I hear him softly utter my name. It rolls along the surface of the mist, slamming against my back, piercing into my core, revealing his internal pain. Ignoring his pleading call I continue to walk away from him, leaving all my hopes and dreams behind. My decision is made. I am leaving as soon as my classes are done.

Apologies

A monotonous routine has ensued this week. I attempt to avoid Callum in every situation. It has been very difficult to achieve that goal when he is in my class. He has tried to talk to me on several occasions, but has been stopped by either our professor or Emily. She has managed to weasel her way into every aspect of his life, though he tries to avoid her persistent advances. I have locked myself back into the iron-clad vault I had built around myself after Andrew’s death, allowing me to focus solely on the things that can’t hurt me, like Noah, school work, and packing. Gratefully I have been able to retain the services of Miss McNally at a greatly discounted price. She has agreed to sit with Noah during my class time only, thus allowing me to finish the last two weeks of schooling for this Easter term.

My dreams of getting a college degree evaporated that night with Callum and his mother. Once I leave England my fate is sealed. The future of a nineteen year old, working, single mother on welfare is bleak. I am completely aware that I am now heading down the same path as my mother, and though it should frighten me, I have dolorously come to grips with it. The road I am now on is a familiar one. There are no surprises allowing me to get hurt along the way. I just need to get through these next two weeks with very little incidence. Once I am back in America I will be able to retain my hard outer shell and just live day by day. The only obstacle standing in my way now is the pointless date with Conner I fatuously accepted.

Walking down Queens Road towards my class, I suddenly notice Olivia sitting under a large, ornate tree. Her eyes are closed as if she is meditating. Her soft blonde pixie hairstyle frames her chiseled features perfectly. Her usual feisty expression is hidden by her contemplative state she is succumbing to. Sadness radiates off her, pressing into my chest, filling my mind with regret. Tumbling waves of guilt surge within my stomach as I watch my only friend’s spirited personality diminished by my traitorous behavior. I had cut her deep since I had filleted our friendship, gutting her to the core. Regret over my tumultuous behavior causes me to realize that I need to mend the bridge between us before I leave. I had only pushed her away because I was hoping to completely sever my connection to Callum. Since I will be leaving soon, I need to apologize.

Apprehension consumes me as I walk towards Olivia. My heart slams against my chest, causing my breathing to intensify, while my body reacts like I am walking towards a hangman’s noose. The warm sun ripples down my exposed arms, seeping under my skin, attempting to eliminate the goose-bumps covering my apprehensive body. My anxiety slowly recedes into the far corners of my mind as I watch Olivia’s face soften.

“You know, I should tell you to bugger off after the way you treated me,” she utters fastidiously. Her eyes are still closed while she leans back against the tree’s trunk languidly, like a sleeping sprite.

Stopping instantly in my tracks I utter in astonishment, “What…How did…”

“Breanna, you are about as sneaky as a damn elephant. I could hear your heavy breathing from far away,” her body still lies dreamily against the tree, but her eyes now slowly regain their conscious awareness. Though her soft brown eyes ripple with tender emotions, her chiseled features are firm with skepticism.

A cool breeze rolls over me, instantly reigniting my goose-bumps, sending a rolling chill up my spine. I am not completely convinced the breeze is the culprit behind my sudden chill; Olivia’s firm expression is most likely the cause of my sudden sensation. Wrapping my arms tightly around me I begin vigorously stroking my exposed arms, melting the dappled bumps back into my skin. This time I firmly walk towards her, taking no care in trying to be subtle about it. Standing now just inches away from her I dejectedly sit down next to her, gazing back into her eyes.

“Olivia, I am so sorry for the way I treated you. You have been an exemplary friend and you did not deserve that.”

A long silence looms between us as her eyes remain locked onto mine. Nervously I begin fidgeting, attempting to detach the death stare she has on me. My foot starts bouncing rapidly beneath my pretzel-folded legs. The only thing cutting through the silence is a flock of small birds swirling above us in the tree. Breaking free from her gaze I look up at the acrobatic birds, flipping from branch to branch like trapeze artists demonstrating their skills. Their light blue bodies and painted yellow breasts swirl through the tree with a kaleidoscope of spring colors. Chirps and vibrant songs escape their tiny beaks, giving some kind of reprieve from the ominous silent treatment Olivia is dishing out.

“Do you think that is long enough?” she asks with a hint of sarcasm twirling within her solid tone. Her eyes remain locked onto me, as I look at her dubiously.

“Is what long enough?”

A slight smile tickles the corners of her mouth, illuminating a mischievous grin, “The silent treatment and death stare.”

Pulling my eyes tightly together, deepening the furrow between them, I gaze at her incredulously, “Were you just messing with me?”

A full smile creeps across her face, causing her eyes to twinkle with roguish delight, “I wanted you to squirm in your seat a little bit. Did it work?”

“What the hell? Of course it worked! Your eyes can burn a hole through steel!” A loud belly laugh rolls through her, causing her to double over in abdominal pain. “That is not funny! You had me sweating in my boots. I almost got up and left!”

Her laugh is consuming her, making it difficult to talk, “You are not wearing boots,” she stammers out, hissing through her teeth.

“I know, it is just an expression.” Her laughter is getting contagious. I try and fight the vibrating sensation rolling in my stomach, but the urge is too strong. The deep belly laugh explodes out of me, sending me into an uncontrolled fit of laughter. The pendulum of emotions undulates through me, causing my mind to spin, not quite sure of what we are laughing about.

Breaking free from our facetious laughter I gain some control asking, “Does this mean you forgive me?”

Slowly her laughter dissipates, leaving her slightly panting, “Breanna, I forgave you that night. I knew why you were pushing me away.” Her breathing slowly resumes its normal pace. A sympathetic expression comes over her, causing her eyes to glisten with respect, “You love my brother. And for some bloody reason you feel you don’t…no, you
can’t
have him.”

A flood of tears threatens to spill over the protective dam holding them at bay. I have never cried this much. I was always the tough one, constantly holding myself together. Now it seems like all my pent up emotions have been set free. Her hand tenderly envelops mine, squeezing it with a reassuring grasp. “There is a reason. When I left you to listen in on Callum and your mother, I heard the truth. My world can never mix with yours.” Swallowing firmly, I push the thick lump in my throat back down, forcing my tears to stand down. Continuing I add, “Your mother also paid me a visit this past weekend, reiterating what I already knew.”

“What in bloody hell was she thinking? My mother never raised us to treat people like that.” Anger now takes ownership within her body, causing her voice to quiver.

“She was thinking like a mother, wanting the best for her son and the best is not me.” Closing my eyes I exhale forcefully, pushing out the trepidation surging within my chest, “I am leaving, going back to America, as soon as this Easter term is over…”

“Like bloody hell you are,” she interrupts, tossing my hand away as her body erupts to an erect position, gazing at me with a firm look of dissidence.

Her rigid voice causes me to recoil, startling me slightly, “Olivia, it is for the best. As long as I am here Callum will not be able to move forward, neither will I. Besides, my life is an alcoholic mother and a trailer trash future,” my voice vibrates with self-loathing.

“Bloody hell Breanna, that is not your life, it is your
excuse
,” her teeth bite off the last word, cutting through it like a crisp apple.

“It is not my excuse! I have tried everything to break free from its tenacious pull. But no matter how hard I try to escape, my reality slaps me in the face.” A surge of anger bubbles inside of me, “Besides, you don’t understand, you live in a picture perfect world…”

“Blimey, you’re right,” she utters facetiously. Her voice is thick with disdain as she mocks my comparison, “We just had a bloody photographer out at our house, taking pictures of our
perfect
family,” her tongue snaps on the word perfect. “There is my overbearing mother who only married my father for his social stability. Next is my emotionally distant father, who cares more about his public career than his own family. My half-brother, who is being forced to take a path that will unavoidably ruin his life. And then there is me, the daughter who screams to be heard over all the chaos. So, yes, I guess you are right, we do have a picture perfect family. Or shall I say, a normal family. Though our residences are different, we are still the same. I am also trailer rubbish, just shut behind a posh door. Everyone has trials, no one is immune to them, but you don’t see me running away from them.”

“Exactly, I ran away from them when I came here. Perhaps I need to face my world head on, and the only way I can do that is to go back.” Shaking my head dejectedly, I utter softly, “Why did I come here? I should have never kept my promise to Andrew, he would have never known anyways.”

I hunch over, burying my face in my hands, attempting to hide my emotions. A sudden quiet stillness rolls over me. Even the chirping birds have ceased in their joyful singing. The echoing hum of all the students heading to their classes rings in the far corners of my ears, making it sound like they are walking through a long tunnel. My body slowly quivers as I try to push my emotions back down into the pit of my stomach.

“Breanna, you were supposed to come here, not because your late husband told you to. Blimey, can’t you see why?” Olivia’s voice drops to a near whisper, enhancing her sharp British accent, “You leave now, you
will
be running away from your future and into the arms of your torrid past.”

“At least it will be into the arms of something willing to hold me,” I chime in. “I am sorry Olivia, but there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind, so you might as well give up.” I stand up quickly, causing my weak legs to quiver under my weight. I have been sitting pretzel style for so long my feet and legs have gone numb. Fighting through the prickling sensation, I stand erect, gazing down into Olivia’s firm yet tender eyes.

“Well, Breanna, I guess I misjudged you. I thought you were a bloody fighter, but I was wrong. You just submit to whatever is thrown at you.”

“That is not true. I have had to fight for everything in my life.”

Olivia stands up, attempting to meet my gaze head on, but her petite frame causes her to stand several inches below me, “If you leave then it is true, and my brother deserves someone who will fight for him as hard as he is willing to fight for her.”

“I am exhausted. I can’t fight any more.”

“Then good-bye Breanna, I hope you will be happy in the life you have chosen,” she walks tenaciously past me, sending tingling vibrations rushing through me. Her firm, distant face reflects her vexation towards me.

A cold chill brushes over the epidermis layer of my skin causing my body to prickle with goose-bumps. A sick feeling deep in my gut pushes up as I watch Olivia walk away. Though Olivia believes it is my choice to leave, she is wrong. Choice is a luxury saved for those with hope, and hope disintegrated the moment I overheard Callum and his mother’s conversation. Resolve now spins rapidly in my head, grasping the unyielding truth of who I am and what I will become. Firmly gripping hold of my emotions, clenching down on my jaw, I hastily head to class.