Never Let Go (7 page)

“I am.”

“Like hell,” he muttered angrily. He started to say more, then threw up his hands in disgust and walked away.

“Justin!”

He heard the hurt in her voice, the desperation, and knew exactly what she was going through. His own pain ran just as deep, perhaps even deeper because he’d allowed her to touch a part of him that had been unreachable for years. Once again he had come close to caring and once again it had ended in bitterness and regret.

“Justin, please, you have to listen to my side.”

He turned then and stared at her, his expression cold and implacable. He steeled himself against the injured look he knew he would see in her eyes.

“No,” he said softly. “No, I don’t.”

A sob rose in
Mallory’s throat as she watched Justin walk away from her. She choked it back and kept herself from running after him, but just barely. They both needed to calm down. They both needed time to put the entire situation into perspective. She needed time, in fact, to figure out if there might not be some truth to what Justin had said.

Perhaps she was a bit of a Pollyanna, an eternal optimist. Not everyone could be helped. She’d be a fool not to realize that there were individuals who didn’t want to change. There were others whose problems ran so deep that it would take years of analysis to discover the causes and even then change might not be possible without months, perhaps years more of therapy.

There was no way she could possibly know which category Jenny Landers fell into without spending time with the woman. She also needed more time with Davey. For her to make any judgments about the Landerses’ future, she would need more than guesswork. She resolved to begin in the morning by asking Rachel to arrange an appointment with Jenny Landers. She would do it for Justin and for herself, but most of all, she would do it for Davey.

Still thinking about the horrible scene at the hospital, she walked into her apartment late that afternoon just as the phone began ringing. Maybe it was Justin, she thought, her heart slamming against her ribs as she picked it up.

“Mallory, it’s Rachel. Are you okay?”

She closed her eyes in
disappointment. “Fine,” she said, her voice flat.

“You don’t sound fine. I was worried about what happened at the hospital. Justin looked fit to kill. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t hang around. Did you all work things out after we left?”

“No. He thinks I betrayed him and Davey.”

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I should never have brought Jenny Landers there.”

“Don’t be crazy. That’s your job. I just wish I’d had more warning. Maybe I could have done something to make things go more smoothly.”

“For Davey or for Justin?”

“Both of them,” she admitted ruefully.

“Do you think Davey’s okay?”

“He was when I left. We talked a little, and he said he’d been scared when she first came in, but he wasn’t afraid after that. You can do me a favor, though.”

“What’s that?”

“I’d like to meet with Mrs. Landers. There are a lot of unanswered questions. I don’t even know what the situation is with Davey’s father, for instance. Can you set up an appointment?”

“The court has already assigned a psychologist for her.”

“I know, but I’d still like to talk to her. Off the record, if that’s what it takes. It’ll help me with Davey’s therapy.”

“Okay, girl. I’ll see what I can do. You want to come over for dinner tonight? It’s potluck, but we’d love to have you.”

“Thanks, but no. I think I’ll take a bath and get a good night’s sleep.”

“Who are you trying
to kid? You won’t sleep a wink. You’re going to sit there and wait for the phone to ring.”

Mallory gave a dry chuckle. “I’d forgotten that you probably took almost as many psychology courses as I did.”

“Sure you won’t change your mind and come over? I’ll let you tell the kids a bedtime story.”

“I’d probably put scary monsters in it, and they’d be awake all night. Thanks for the offer, but I’ll take a rain check.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning and I’ll do what I can about that appointment.”

As soon as she’d hung up, Mallory decided to make good on at least part of the excuse she’d given Rachel. She went into the bathroom and turned the water on full force and poured in a spoonful of bubbling bath crystals. While the tub filled, she fixed herself a glass of wine and turned the radio on.

Within minutes, she was lying back in the steaming, fragrant water, her eyes closed. It felt like heaven. She took a sip of wine and tried a little self-hypnosis, hoping to clear her head and improve her perspective on things.

From the beginning, her treatment of Davey had been shaded by Justin’s attitude. She had approached the case cautiously, fearing that at the first sign of displeasure, Justin would ban her from the child’s room. It was time she began thinking of herself as a professional again, doing what she thought was best, and Justin be damned. It was good advice, but she wondered if she’d have the strength to take it.

When she stepped out of the tub at last, she wrapped herself in a thick terry-cloth robe and glanced in the mirror. Her blue-green eyes were wide, her cheeks flushed. Her black hair framed her face in wispy curls. She looked sleepily sensual.

“What a waste,” she muttered under
her breath as she padded barefoot into the kitchen and fixed herself a plate of cheese and crackers.

The doorbell rang as she was heading for the bedroom and the mystery novel she’d been wanting to finish for days now. She peered through the peephole and saw a distorted image of Justin in the hallway. He was pacing nervously. Her heart lurched unsteadily at the sight of him, but she steeled herself to stick to her resolve to put their relationship on hold while she concentrated on what was best for Davey.

“What do you want?” she called through the door, knowing perfectly well that keeping it closed was a cowardly thing to do. But she was afraid that without that wooden barrier between them her resolve would melt.

“We need to talk.”

“Hey, I wanted to talk earlier. You’re the one who walked away.”

“I don’t want to talk through a damn door.”

“Call for an appointment.”

“Mallory, I know you’re angry, and you probably have every right to be, but this is ridiculous. We’re two intelligent adults. We should be able to talk this out.”

“Oh, hell,” she muttered and threw open the door. She positioned her body to block the entrance. “Talk.”

“Inside.”

“Here.”

“Mallory!”

She glowered up at him until his determined gaze faltered.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last.

“Thank you.”

“Now can we please talk? Inside?”

Reluctantly, sensing
that she was making a decision about more than conversation, Mallory stepped aside. Justin brushed past her so quickly it brought a half smile to her lips. Obviously, he wasn’t taking any chances that she’d renege on the offer.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“Club soda, Perrier, whatever you have.”

“With lime?”

“Fine.”

Justin started to follow her into the tiny kitchen, then seemed to think better of it. He went into the living room and began to pace again, as he’d done outside her door. His shoulders were hunched, his hands jammed in his pockets. Mallory felt a twinge of sympathy and immediately gave herself a stern lecture. This was no time to go all soft and sentimental about the man. He owed her more of an apology than that cursory one he’d delivered a few minutes earlier.

She took his drink to him and settled herself in a chair, then gazed up at him expectantly. “I’m waiting.”

He glanced at her in confusion. “Waiting?”

“You came here to talk.”

“Right.”

He stalked from one end of the tiny room to the other, which did nothing to soothe Mallory’s nerves. She wanted to wrench the words out of him, but she sat patiently and waited.

“I still don’t understand what happened this afternoon,” he said at last. He sat down across from her, his knees splayed. He leaned toward her and studied her face as if by looking hard enough he could see into her soul.

Mallory returned his gaze
evenly. “What don’t you understand?”

“I just can’t see where you’re coming from. You’re supposed to have Davey’s best interests at heart.”

“I do.”

“Then how could you let that woman near him?”

“She’s his mother. It will be better for everyone if we can bring the two of them back together eventually, but only,
only,
if Jenny Landers is ready to take responsibility for her actions, to bring her anger under control.”

“That’s just the problem. How do you know when that happens? Rationally, what you say makes sense. A child should be with his family, and everyone should try to work and make that happen.”

“We’re agreed on that much, then.”

“My problem is that what the textbooks and the courts say should happen doesn’t take into account the specific human beings. Not every family can be turned into a loving unit. Not every child is better off at home. Some of them would even be better off with strangers. They might be lonely, but at least they’d live.”

Justin gazed at Mallory, pleading for her to understand. It was so important that she grasp his point of view, that she realize how much it mattered to him that Davey Landers should have a real chance to be a happy, healthy child. “Do you see what I’m saying?”

“Of course I do. I don’t want to see Davey hurt again. I promise you I’ll do everything in my power to see that doesn’t happen. I’ve asked Rachel to make an appointment with his mother. Once I’ve talked to her, maybe we’ll all have a better idea of where things stand.”

Justin still wasn’t satisfied, and he pressed
harder. “Are you confident you’ll be able to get a real fix on where she’s coming from? A lot of people are good at faking their emotions.”

“There are no guarantees. I could make a mistake. I’m only human, but I am trained to read what people don’t say, as well as what they do. I don’t think she’ll be able to hide her real feelings from me.”

“What did you think of her today?”

“On the surface, she’s sophisticated, cool, self-confident. Underneath, she’s a deeply troubled woman. She knows what she did was wrong, but I can’t tell if she realizes why she did it. Maybe it was a cry for help. If so, then there’s a real chance that therapy can make a difference.”

Justin rubbed his tired eyes. “I hope to God you’re right.”

“We’ve talked about this before, but you’ve never really given me a straight answer. Davey really matters to you, doesn’t he?”

“He’s my patient.”

“Justin, please, why can’t you just say it? You care about him.”

“Okay, damn it. Yes. I care about him.”

“Was that so difficult?”

Difficult? A month, even a week ago, he would have found it impossible. He’d kept himself from having feelings for anyone, much less admitting to any. Now suddenly emotions were sweeping through him like a river that was flooding out of control. He met Mallory’s gaze and saw the compassion and love shining there. It made him feel incredibly good inside, but it also terrified him.

Love was not an emotion with which he had much familiarity. Since childhood, he’d distanced himself from people. To him, caring was equated with pain, and he’d learned to protect himself from it. The walls he’d built were so thick, they could have withstood an assault by tanks.

But they couldn’t withstand the
gentle smile on Mallory’s lips. For the first time he became aware of what she was wearing—or rather not wearing. The robe, though thick enough to conceal her body, was held closed only by the belt tied around her waist. The V-neckline dipped low to expose a creamy curve of breast. The bottom parted to reveal an enticing expanse of slender thigh. Blood surged through him, his arousal so sudden and full it was almost painful.

“Come here,” he whispered in a voice that was hoarse with longing. He thought he’d come merely to apologize, to extract a promise. He knew now that he wanted much more. It troubled him that he still needed her so badly after what she’d done, but he did. She’d brought something into his life that he now found irresistible.

To his astonishment and overpowering relief, Mallory was there for him. If she had questions, she didn’t ask them. If she had doubts, she didn’t voice them. She just gave—her body, her love, and he, God help him, took everything she offered.

I
n the morning Mallory could
practically feel Justin withdrawing from her, even before he took his arms away. He had come to her again last night in need, instinctively seeking her out, even though he felt she’d betrayed him. Vulnerable and in pain, he had reached out to her, trusting her to be there for him. It had told her what she needed to know without his having said a word. She wondered if he even recognized the significance of his actions.

More than likely, at some subconscious level he did, she decided. It would explain the subtle shift in his attitude this morning, the obvious regrets she could read in the depths of his eyes, the barriers that were slipping back into place. Justin might slowly be starting to care deeply about her, but he was going to go down fighting.

She wasn’t about to allow him to run, though, not without one hell of a battle. For better or worse, she seemed to share his fate. She had fallen in love with the impossible man and she had every intention of seeing that they got the chance they deserved.

She began her campaign
to lure him back in one of the oldest ways known to women—appealing to the seemingly bottomless pit of his appetite, an appetite he never had time to fully satisfy. She made a hearty breakfast and had it on the table by the time he’d showered and dressed. She could see the indecision in his eyes as he looked at steaming coffee, crisp bacon, tempting French toast and warm maple syrup. Apparently his intuition told him that it came with what he would consider a particularly high price tag. Smart man, she thought, turning away with a smug grin, but all that intelligence wasn’t going to do him a bit of good.

He regarded her warily. “I don’t have much time.”

“Surgery starts late today,” she said, pouring coffee into his cup.

He grinned ruefully. “I knew it wasn’t wise to get involved with a woman who knows the hospital schedule almost as well as I do.”

“Are we involved?” she asked bluntly.

Justin straightened his tie with nervous deliberation and sank down in a chair. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Pretty much. Care to answer?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“We always have choices, isn’t that what you told me yesterday?”

“My God, now you’re going to throw my own words back in my face.”

“Only because you’re sometimes very wise.”

“Don’t start tossing compliments
around. It’s not your style.”

“What is my style?”

“You tend to be brutally frank, at least with me.”

“I’ve found it pays.” She regarded him candidly. “Can you deal with that?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “As long as we’re being so honest, it makes me nervous.”

“Why?” She studied him closely, noted that he was toying with his French toast, cutting it into tiny pieces, but not lifting a single one to his lips. “Never mind. I think I can guess. Let me phrase it another way. Do you enjoy playing games, not knowing where you stand with people?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, there you have it then. That’s all I want for us. Honesty. I don’t want to waste time playing hide-and-seek with a man who has no intention of letting me see beyond the superficial. To develop that kind of relationship involves trust. It involves risks. I’m willing to put my feelings on the line. Are you?”

Justin’s fork clattered to his plate and he gazed at her despondently. She resisted a very strong urge to give the man a break.

“How can you be so damned sure of yourself?” he growled. “What makes you think this will work? The chemistry?”

“That’s certainly part of it, but far from the whole thing. I can’t explain it exactly. It’s just something you know, something you feel in your heart.”

“I can’t even be sure what my feelings are. I’ve spent a lifetime hiding from them.”

She was surprised at getting even that much of an admission from him, and responded cautiously. “That’s fair. I’m willing to take things one day at a time until you figure this out for yourself, but I want you to be clear about one thing. I had a very happy marriage once. I know what that kind of sharing can be like and I’m not about to have a casual fling. I think you’re something pretty special, Justin, but I won’t play games with you. I want as much honesty as you’re capable of giving me all along the way and I’ll give you the same thing.” Her lips curved in a faint smile. “Whether you want to hear it or not.”

Her eyes locked with
his and she waited breathlessly for a reaction. Any reaction. Justin appeared too stunned to speak. It was as though he’d just been offered a vacation for two around the world and wasn’t quite sure whether he dared accept since it would mean taking along a companion, someone who might get too close to him.

“Well,” she said finally, the words formed through sheer bravado, “do we go on from here or not?”

“That all depends,” he said slowly.

“On what?”

“How patient you’re willing to be. I learned a long time ago to protect myself from betrayal. I don’t trust easily. Yesterday you shattered the trust I was beginning to feel toward you.”

“And last night? Why did you come here?”

He sighed. “I can’t explain last night.”

“Lust?”

“No, damn it. It was more than that.”

“Thank you.”

“That doesn’t mean we can work things out. I’m no good at relationships.”

“Because you don’t want to be?”

“Maybe.”

“Are you willing to walk out of here this morning and forget the closeness we’ve shared?”

He faced her
defiantly, his eyes glittering. “I want to.”

“Then go.”

He pushed his chair back, and Mallory’s breath caught in her throat. His eyes met hers and held. Time fell away until at last he said unevenly, “I don’t think I can.”

Mallory’s heart, which she’d been certain would never function again, began to beat slowly. “I wish you sounded happier about that. What’s made it so difficult for you to trust people, Justin? Is it your own judgment you really don’t trust?”

“You’re analyzing me again.”

“Just trying to understand. Talk to me. Make me see what’s made you so afraid to believe in anyone.”

“Shall I take you back to my childhood, doctor? Isn’t that where you all believe everything starts?” His tone was sarcastic and tinged with bitterness. Mallory refused to be goaded.

“For many people, yes. Is that when it began for you?”

She waited expectantly, sure that the breakthrough was coming, that the information she needed to truly understand him was about to come pouring out.

“I have to go,” he said finally, and she only barely managed to conceal her frustration. This time, though, she let him go.

“Why don’t we see Davey together this afternoon?” she suggested. “You can see for yourself how he’s taking that meeting with his mother.”

Justin nodded. “I should be able to get there by five-thirty. Can you hang around
that late?”

“I’ll be there.”

He stood hesitantly in the doorway, then came back and brushed a kiss across her forehead. Because of the tender promise it held, that gentle, fleeting touch meant more to Mallory than all the heated, unrestrained passion of the night before.

The day continued as the morning had begun, a blend of highs and lows that kept Mallory continually off balance.

Rachel had arranged the meeting with Jenny Landers for late morning, and it had been filled with revelations. Mallory felt as though she was beginning to understand what made the woman tick and she also felt confident that Davey’s mother was on the road to recovery. Mrs. Landers had agreed to continue seeing her, as well as her own psychologist until Davey’s future was resolved and her own day of reckoning before a judge was over.

Mallory had just come from that meeting, when she ran into Carol.

“You’re a miracle worker,” the head nurse proclaimed.

“And to think I don’t even hold a degree in that,” Mallory retorted. “What is this miracle you think I’ve worked.”

“Dr. Whitmore. He spent nearly a half hour with Mr. Harrison this morning before his surgery. I can’t tell you what a difference it made. Mr. Harrison was actually smiling when I went in to prep him for the operation. He thinks Dr. Whitmore is the greatest.”

“I’m glad it worked
out,” Mallory said, more pleased than she was letting on. Not only was she delighted for Mr. Harrison’s sake, but for Justin’s. It was another chip out of that wall of reserve he’d built around himself. “You might mention it to Dr. Whitmore, when you see him. He’ll be glad to know it made a difference.”

“I already told him. Do you know the man actually walked off whistling?”

Mallory grinned as she walked away. Justin’s reputation as a tyrant truly was tumbling down. She wondered if he was going to be furious about it.

She was still in an upbeat mood when she finally got back to pediatrics. It lasted until the head nurse there came running up. “Thank goodness you’re here.”

“What’s the problem?”

“It’s Davey. He’s refusing to eat again and he’s been throwing tantrums all day.”

“Why didn’t you call me before?”

“We tried to phone you, but you didn’t respond. I thought maybe you weren’t in the hospital.”

Mallory pulled her phone from her purse and pressed a button. Nothing happened. “The battery’s dead. I’ll recharge it after I’m finished with Davey. Thanks.”

“Sure. Good luck.”

Even without the warning, Mallory would have sensed Davey’s mood the minute she walked into the room. His whole body was tensed in anger and, though he glanced at her, he shut his eyes immediately and turned his back on her.

“So, sport, what’s the problem? I hear you’ve been giving the staff a rough time today.” She lifted the lid off the food on his dinner tray. “What’s the matter with the food? I thought you loved hamburgers.”

Davey drew his knees
up to his chest. Mallory grasped his shoulders gently but firmly and turned him toward her.

“You have to eat, if you’re going to get out of this place.”

“Don’t want to get out,” he said as a tear slid down his cheek. Mallory brushed the tear away.

“How come?”

“Won’t go home,” he said stubbornly, but his lower lip trembled.

“Because of your mother?”

He nodded.

“You know, Davey, we won’t make you go home unless we’re very sure that nothing bad will ever happen to you there again.”

“Can’t I come home with you and Dr. Justin?” he begged.

Mallory ignored the way he had come to link the two of them together. “No, sweetie. But we can find another family for you, if it doesn’t work out for you to go back with your mom.”

His lip curled into a pout.

She hesitated, then asked gently, “Davey, how do you feel about your dad?”

She wasn’t at all prepared for the violence of his reaction. Instantly he rolled away from her again and buried his face in the pillow. His thin shoulders shook with sobs.

“Davey, don’t cry, sweetie. It’s okay to miss your dad.”

“My fault.” The words were muffled.

“What’s your fault? That your dad went away? That’s not true.”

“Mom said.”

“She was just angry. She needed
to blame somebody. It was not your fault. We talked today, and she told me all about it. Sometimes grown-ups have problems they don’t know how to handle and they have to blame somebody else for them.”

His shoulders stilled, and she could tell he was listening to her. “You know how you got mad today and took it out on the nurses? You weren’t really mad at them, were you?”

He shook his head.

“You were mad at your mom and me and maybe even a little bit at yourself, weren’t you? But you blamed the nurses and everybody else. That’s sort of what your mom was doing when she said it was your fault that your dad went away. It hurt too much if she admitted it might be her fault.”

“He didn’t go because I was bad?”

“No. In fact, I talked to him myself this morning, and he’s going to come to see you.”

Davey turned to her then, his eyes wide and shimmering with tears. “He’s really going to come?”

“He’ll be here first thing in the morning. He’s going to take a plane tonight.”

“Why didn’t he come before? I’ve been here a long time.”

“He would have, but he didn’t know you were sick.” Jenny Landers hadn’t had the nerve to call him, and her own parents were still trying to pretend none of it had happened. They were staunchly defending Jenny to the authorities.

“Will he take me away with him?”

“That’s something we’ll have to talk about more after he gets here. He and your mom have a lot of things to work out.”

“He’s not mad ’cause I’m in the hospital?”

“Not at you.”

A worried frown puckered
his brow. “He won’t yell at Mom, will he? They yelled all the time before he went away.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Sad,” he said promptly. “And…and scared.”

“I can understand that. I’ll bet you even thought that was your fault, too.”

He nodded. “I tried to be better, but it didn’t change anything,” he whispered sorrowfully.

“That’s because they’re the only ones who can make things change. You know something else? Even though they were mad at each other that didn’t mean they were mad at you. When grown-ups have problems sometimes that gets pretty confusing, and you forget that they still love you in spite of everything.”

Davey sighed. A glimmer of excitement flickered in his eyes. “My dad will really be here in the morning,” he repeated as if he still couldn’t quite believe it.

“Promise. Now how about some food? I’ll get this warmed up for you.”

“Okay.”

As Mallory took the tray from the room, she found Justin leaning against the wall, his complexion ashen. Instantly worried, she touched his cheek.

“Are you all right?”

“Fine.”

“You look lousy. Why don’t you go sit down?”

“In a minute. Take the tray on down to the nurses’ station and heat it. I’ll be okay.”

When she came back, he
was with Davey, and the two of them were talking about baseball. Opening day was coming up soon, and Davey was planning to hold Justin to his promise that they could go. She sat back and listened to the excited chatter, watching Justin’s face for some clue about what had upset him so earlier. There wasn’t a single sign now that anything had been amiss. As he talked with Davey, he was animated, his pallor gone. She began to wonder if she’d only imagined the entire incident in the hallway.