Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (26 page)

GRACE WAS SO QUIET ON
the ride home. I didn’t know how to help her, or what the right thing was for me to say. Instead, I held her while she looked out the window.

`“Kitten, talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say, Logan?” Her voice was shaky.

“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want to know what you’re thinking.”

“You want to know what I’m thinking? This sucks ass
;
that’s what I’m thinking. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to hear that I’m the problem. I’m the reason we aren’t pregnant yet. I’m scared. I don’t know how to react to this.”

My heart ached for her. I wished so bad that I could fix this. I was a problem solver by nature, and this was hell for me. To watch her in pain and not be able to do anything about it. “I’m scared, too. Let’s just get through these tests and we’ll go from there. She said this wasn’t a death sentence. There are options for us.”

I could feel the instant she started to cry. The sobs that tore from her throat shook her whole body. I held her tightly, kissing her cheeks and hair.

“Oh God, Logan, what if we never have a baby?” she choked out.

“We will have a baby. One way or another, we will have one.” If I couldn’t give her one of our own, we would adopt. A whole houseful if she wanted. I would lay the world at her feet if only she would smile again.

Once we were home, she went straight back to our room and into bed. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I answered when I saw it was Smith.

“Hey,” I said quietly, not wanting to disturb Grace. I walked out onto the patio.

“Is this a bad time?” he asked.

“No, I just didn’t want to disturb Grace. I can talk now. What’s going on?” I sank into one of the patio chairs we had out there.

“I have some news.” He sounded anxious.

“Oh, yeah?” I gripped the arm of the chair. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say.

“Faith is pregnant,” he blurted out in a jumble of words.

How was I going to tell Grace? “Wow, man, that’s great. Congratulations,” I said the words automatically; this was what he needed to hear. “How far along is she? I didn’t even know you guys were trying.”

“Not far, maybe eight weeks. We weren’t trying, but we’re happy all the same. We just had our first appointment this morning. Seeing that little heart beating was insane.” He sounded so excited.

“It’s an amazing experience. I’m really happy for you both.”

“I know this is shitty timing…” he trailed off.

“It was a rough morning. We went to the doctor, and it’s not great news. We have to get some tests done to be sure of the problem. Grace is kind of a wreck right now.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“Shit. I’m sorry, man. I feel like an ass calling and being so happy about my news.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m really happy for you guys. Do me a favor, though?”

“Anything.”

“Tell Faith not to call today. Grace is upset enough right now,” I said carefully.

“I’ll talk to her about it. She knows what Grace is going through. She’s terrified this is going to hurt her. When we found out, the first thing that
she said was that this was going to kill Grace.”

This would hurt her. I knew it would. I loved Faith all the more for being so concerned about Grace’s feelings about this. “Do you want me to tell her? She might take it better if it comes from me.” I hoped he said yes to that.

“I don’t know, man. Faith really wants to be the one to tell her.”

I sighed. “Okay, just give me a day, okay? Tell her to wait.”

“I’ll see what I can do. I’m sorry, again. I feel so terrible being so happy when you guys are having such a rough time.” He sounded genuinely sorry.

“I know, man, and I love you for it. But really, I’m so happy for you guys.”

I heard a noise inside and turned around to find Grace standing in the living room with her cell phone in her hand and tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Fuck,” I said into the phone. There went all our plans about keeping this from her.

“What?”

“Too late on asking Faith not to call today.”

“Shit.” Smith sounded worried.

“I’ll call you later.” I hung up and was inside with Grace in my arms a moment later.

“Faith…” she sobbed.

“I know, honey. I just talked to Smith. I’m so sorry.” I held her in my arms, wanting to shield her from this pain.

“Why her?” she cried. “Why not us? They weren’t even fucking trying to have a baby! Why do they get one and not us?” Her face was a mask of pain.

“I don’t know, Kitten.”

“I hate her.” She buried her face in my chest.

“No, you don’t. You’re just hurt right now.”

“I don’t know how to be happy for her right now. How do I do that? How do I tell her I’m happy that she’s having a baby? I’m not happy for her. Not even a little bit.”

“You don’t have to do anything about it today. Give yourself a couple of days before you talk to her again. I had just told Smith not to have her call today, but it was too late. I wanted to be the one to tell you, but it wasn’t going to be today.” I had her face in my hands. Even with tears wetting her cheeks and red puffy eyes, she was still beautiful to me.

“I wish I could be happy for her and give her the response she needed. I couldn’t do it. I just hung up after she told me. How awful is that? I didn’t even say anything to her.” She tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t let her.

“Stop it. Faith loves you. She knows what you’re going through right now. Be sad and angry today, get it all out before you talk to her.”

She nodded and succeeded in pulling away. “I’m going to go to bed for the rest of the day and pretend like today never happened. What are your plans?” She sniffled.

“I planned on staying here with you if that’s okay.”

She shook her head. “Go to work. I need to be alone today. I love you, but I just need some time and space to process everything. Can you give me that?” She looked worried. I knew she didn’t want me to see her cry. She hated that.

“Okay, I’ll go in for a couple of hours. You’ll call if you need me?” I searched her eyes, wanting to believe that she would but knowing that she wouldn’t. I loved how strong and independent she was, but sometimes I needed her to let me in.

“I’ll call if I need you.” She was already backing away. I could feel the wall slipping snugly into place between us. I would let her have this today, it was what she needed. I silently prayed that she would change her mind and tell me to stay, but she didn’t. I waved as she walked away as a shard of icy coldness stabbed through my heart.

I called James on the way into work and asked him to pick up Grace’s prescription and drop off some food and whatever else he could think of for her. I leaned back on the leather seat and stared at the ceiling. I hated feeling helpless. I was used to fixing everything with a wave of my hand. This was one thing I couldn’t fix, and it was breaking my heart.

I picked my phone up again and called Smith. He answered on the first ring.

“How is she?” He sounded concerned.

“Not good. How’s Faith?” I hated that this was hurting both of them so much.

“About the same. She hates this. I had to talk her out of flying out there today. I told her it would just make things worse. What are we going to do about this?” He sounded so lost.

“I don’t know, man. We’ll figure it out. Grace just needs some time.” The car came to a stop in front of my building, but I didn’t get out yet.

“Faith wants to talk to you,” Smith said before passing the phone to her.

“Logan?” Her voice was so small. I could feel the pain in it.

“I’m here. Congratulations on the baby,” I said the words that Grace couldn’t, the ones Faith needed to hear.

“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt her. You know that, right?” Panic laced through her words.

“Of course, I know that. Today was a really hard one for her. It would have been better if she found out in a few days, but there’s not much we can do about it now. Did Smith tell you?”

“A little bit. He said it was a doctor’s appointment that didn’t go so well.”

I sighed, “You could say that. The doctor thinks Grace has something wrong with her ovaries. She doesn’t produce eggs or something. I didn’t really understand it all. There was a name for it, Polycystic Ovaries or something like that. She produces cysts instead of eggs, which is why we haven’t gotten pregnant.”

“Oh God. And then I called and told her I was having a baby. I feel like the world’s biggest bitch. I’m so sorry, Logan, if I had just waited for Smith to get off the phone none of this would have happened. Does she hate me?” I could hear the tears in her voice.

“No, she doesn’t hate you. She’s just hurting right now. Give her some time before you call. A few days would be good. She needs to process it all.”

“Okay. I can do that. Would it be better if I came out in person in a few days?” She sounded hopeful.

“No. Seeing you would be too hard for her right now. The phone will be the easiest for a while. I’m sorry this is so hard for both of you. I wish it was easier.” I felt lost. None of this was how I imagined it would be. I had assumed we would get pregnant soon after we started trying.

“I’m sorry, too. How are you doing with all of this?”

“I don’t know. It’s awful to see her in pain and not be able to do anything to fix it. I know it’s not a for sure no on having a baby, but it wasn’t what either of us wanted to hear this morning.”

“What are your options?”

“Medications, I guess. Grace has to get a test done on her tubes first before we get to that point.”

“I’m rooting for you guys. And I’m here to listen if you need to vent.”

“Thanks, Faith. Are you happy? I mean, about the baby? I know you weren’t trying and this wasn’t in your plans, but are you happy?”

“So happy. I didn’t know this was what I really wanted until I saw that little heart beat today.” I could hear the happiness in her voice as she spoke, and I smiled. I wanted her to be happy about this, she didn’t need to feel sad that she and Smith had created a new life.

“Good. I’m happy for you both. Send me a copy of the sonogram so I can see. Look, I have to run. I’m in front of my building and I need to go inside before the transit cops yell at us to move. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Love you,” she said before hanging up.

I got out of the car feeling the slightest bit lighter and went in to pretend to get some work done for a few hours before I could go home to Grace.

TEST DAY. I HAD BEEN
dreading it since I called to make the appointment. Logan tried to keep me positive, but so far it wasn’t working.

Faith had been calling every day. I hadn’t been able to answer yet. I didn’t know how to talk to her. How could I say I’m sorry for how I acted? Happy was so far away from what I was feeling.

Logan drove me himself to the hospital where they did the HSG. We had to be there forty-five minutes early so they could inject something into me to help my muscles relax. The Valium hadn’t helped, my nerves were getting the best of me.

“You ready to go in?” He squeezed my hand.

“No, but we probably should anyway,” I said glumly. I was not at all looking forward to this.

After we had checked in, they ushered me through a set of double doors. Logan was not too happy when he found out that he couldn’t go back with me when they did the test. I almost pitied the nurse who had to tell him. She looked terrified.

“You go on back to the waiting area. I’ll be okay.” I kissed him softly. I wanted him to believe that I could get through this alone even though I didn’t believe it myself. After he had left, I sat in the room they had put me in wearing a thin cotton hospital gown and waited.

The shot was not pleasant, but the second Valium that I
had taken was doing its job so it didn’t bother me so much. Slowly, the ball of nerves in my stomach began to unwind.

“Grace? Are you ready?” The nurse poked her head into my room.

“I guess so.” I got to my feet and held my gown shut behind me, feeling the draft right away on my backside.

She led me down the long hallway to the x-ray room. There was a big table in the center of the room and a few computer screens off to the side. The nerves wound themselves up tight again in my stomach. My face must have shown my feelings because the nurse tried to reassure me.

“This isn’t so bad. Think of it as just a bit worse than a pap.”

Little did she know that I did not at all enjoy paps, either. I grimaced slightly and stepped up to the table.

“Okay, we need you up on the table on your back. Scoot your bottom as far down toward the end as you can.” She smiled brightly, trying to alleviate my nerves.

The table was cold, it only added to the anxious feeling I had. After scooting all the way forward, I waited with the blanket over me.

As they got started, I tried to relax.
This is for a baby, this is for a baby,
I chanted over and over again. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. This was beyond painful, the cramps were so intense. Breathing through it was not working at all. My hands clenched the sides of the gown as I tried to get through the instructions they were giving me. I winced as yet another stream of dye was shot straight into my uterus.

“Just a bit more. You’re doing great.” The nurse patted my hand. She could see the pain in my eyes.

A few more minutes of agony and I was done and being led back down to the room I had been in before. That was awful. The tears were coming, I just had to hold on until we got into the car.

Logan was pacing in the waiting room when I finally came out. My midsection hurt like someone had punched me repeatedly.

He took one look at me and the tenderness in his expression did me in. The tears fell like rain down my cheeks.

“Kitten.” He took me in his arms. “Was it that bad?”

“Worse.” I sniffled, burrowing my face into his neck. “Take me home, please. I just want to lay down.”

“Of course.” He gathered me close, never letting his arm leave my shoulders as we walked as fast as my body would let us.

The drive home was quick; I was thankful for that. The less time I had to be in a bumpy car, the better.

“What do you need?” Logan asked once we were inside.

“Tylenol?” I collapsed onto the couch.

He darted out of the room and returned with a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol as well as something tucked under his arm.

“What’s that?” I gestured with the bottle.

“This, my darling wife, is a Snuggie.” He grinned and held out a deep purple blanket.

“You got me a Snuggie?” I laughed and then winced because laughing hurt.

“Well, I thought it would be nice for you today.” He shrugged.

God, I loved him. I tried to imagine the thought process that led him to purchasing a Snuggie for me. I assumed that James came into play at some point, but I didn’t care. It was the thought that counted.

I went to change into my jammies, the Snuggie draped over my arm as I walked into my room. My phone was laying on the bed where I had left it. There were three missed calls and five texts from Faith.

Faith: Please call me or text me back. I miss you.

Faith: I love you. I hope you know that.

Faith: I never meant to hurt you.

Faith: Please just text me back, Grace. This is killing me.

Faith: At least let Smith know you’re okay if you won’t talk to me. I’m worried about you.

I sighed as I scrolled through all of the messages. I missed her, too. The sound of her voice when she told me that she was pregnant had been haunting me for days. There wasn’t a hint of happiness in it, only anxiety. She had been more worried about me.

I pushed the call button before I could talk myself out of it. She answered on the first ring.

“Grace? How are you? Are you okay?” She sounded worried.

“I’m okay. I’m so sorry about before.” Tears slipped down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you the happiness you needed when you told me. I’m your sister, I owed you more than that. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“Oh, honey. You don’t owe me anything. It was horrible timing. I never would have called had I known what was going on. Tell me we’re okay. I need us to be solid, I can’t do this for much longer.” I could hear the tears in her voice.

I wanted us to be okay, more than anything I wanted that. I just didn’t know if we really were.
Fake it till you make it
. That was going to be my mantra from now on. I could plaster on a smile and pretend with the best of them.

“Of course, we’re okay. I just needed some time to sort through it all,” I said through clenched teeth, thankful that she couldn’t see me.

“Thank God. I was dying over here. Tell me about what’s going on. I’ve only been getting information second hand through either Mom or Smith.”

“Tests for now. I just did the x-ray today and then we see if things are working the way they should.” I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. Especially with her. I couldn’t explain that line of thinking, but it was there nonetheless. It made me feel like a horrible person, and I hated it. “Tell me about you. How many weeks are you?” I asked, hoping she would let the subject drop.

“We’re nine weeks now.” The joy in her voice was like acid being thrown at me. I loathed myself for begrudging her the happiness she felt.

“Oh, wow. So, almost done with your first trimester.” Even to me, my tone sounded wooden.

“Yeah, I’ll be able to breathe a bit easier once we hit fourteen weeks.”

“How have you been feeling?”

“Okay, the morning sickness isn’t too fun, but what can you do? Look, we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.” She sounded so nervous. I absolutely hated myself.

Logan came in and sat next to me on the bed. Smith must have called him. He took my hand in his and kissed it. “You okay?” he mouthed.

I nodded. “Faith, I’ll call you tomorrow okay? I want to go lay down for a while.”

“Promise?” The pleading tone did not escape me.

“Yes. I’ll call.”

“I miss you,” she whispered.

“I love you, Faithy,” I whispered back.

“Back at you Gracey. We’ll get through this.” The tears in her voice were back. So were my own. I prayed she was right.

“Call Hope, too. She’s been a basketcase,” Faith said before I hung up.

“Ugh.” I flopped back onto the pillows. I felt horrid.

SHE WAS DYING INSIDE. I
could feel it every day. I didn’t know how to stop it or fix it. She wasn’t my Grace anymore. She was someone else, someone sad. The test results for both of us had been good. No blockage for Grace and my swimmers were top notch.

Dr. Welsh had prescribed Clomid, a medicine designed to force ovulation. We had to wait a bit before starting since Grace had already been on her cycle. She hated that, the waiting. She wanted nothing more than to jump right in and start. We had another week before we could expect a cycle to start again, or not, depending on what her body wanted to do.

I had never been more acquainted with the female reproductive system as I was now. I knew all the ins and outs of periods and reproduction at this point. Once we had found out there was a problem, I had read up on everything I could find out about what Grace had. Being informed helped me to stay calm, and calm was what she needed.

“What do you want to do for dinner tonight?” I sat down next to her on the couch in the living room.

“I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.” She sounded the way she always did, distracted.

“Come on, let’s get dressed and go out.” We hadn’t been out together since her last doctor’s appointment.

“Yeah, okay.” The look on her face told me she didn’t want to go out at all. But I was happy to see her making the effort for me.

I made a few phone calls and got us into a place I knew she would appreciate before joining her in the bathroom.

She was in the shower, her back to me, face in the stream of water. I sucked in a breath at the sight of all of her creamy skin through the glass shower door. It had been too long since we had made love. I missed her.

I undressed quickly and slipped in behind her, running my hands down her sides. She yelped and turned around quickly.

“Sorry.” I smiled sheepishly. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I saw you in here and couldn’t help myself. Do you mind?”

She shook her head, and for a split second, I saw a little of my wife in her expression. A slow simmering heat behind her eyes. She missed me, too.

“Tell me if you don’t want this, Kitten, because I want it so bad,” I whispered as I backed her against the tiled wall. My lips brushed against her collarbone, and she shivered.

“I want it.” That was all I needed. I slid my hands up her waist and cupped her breasts, bringing my mouth down to lick and bite.

Blowing out a shaky breath, she pressed my face closer to her skin.

“Missed you,” I murmured against her chest. “Need you.” I let my teeth graze and nip as I moved my mouth up to hers.

“Missed you, too.” She threw her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine again.

“Do you want to finish this in here or on the bed?” I prayed she said the bed; I didn’t want it to be over so soon.

“The bed.” She sighed as I dipped my fingers down between her legs.

I was going to make this good for her, the best she ever had. I wanted to show her how much I loved her. I had shoved the shower door open before she had turned off the water, and the floor was drenched as I dragged us both out. I didn’t care, I just wanted her, wanted to bury myself so deep.