Never Say Goodbye (30 page)

‘No, but I’m sure you’re right, especially where the children are concerned. So do you think I should tell my husband first, then them, or should I tell them all together? Well, obviously we won’t be able to with my son being where he is, but I could get my daughter to come home for the weekend . . .’

‘I think you should break it to your husband first,’ Bel said, ‘then he can help you to tell the children. Apart from anything else, it’ll give him some time to come to terms with it himself, and I think it’ll mean a lot to your daughter to see him supporting you.’

Josie’s eyes went down.

‘Do you think he won’t?’ Bel prompted.

‘I don’t know. Like I said before, he’s not good with doctors and hospitals and the like . . .’

‘Maybe not for himself, but for you . . . Think how upset he’d be if he knew you were struggling with this on your own because you can’t find a way to tell him.’

Accepting she had to come out with the truth now, or there would be no point to being there, Josie said, ‘To be really honest, I’m afraid he might leave me.’

Bel blinked in shock. ‘No, no,’ she protested. ‘He wouldn’t, no one would . . . Why do you think that?’

Though Josie hadn’t intended to spill everything, it was there now, needing to be said, and Bel was such a good listener. ‘A few years back,’ she said hoarsely, ‘he had an affair, and I think he’s always regretted not going off to be with her. The children were younger then, so he stayed, but now . . . Once he finds out about this . . . He might see it as time he went.’

Bel was shaking her head. ‘I can’t believe he’d do that. No one would, and if he stayed back then, it was probably for you as much as for the children.’

Josie’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Sitting forward, Bel said, ‘Josie, you have to give him the chance to be there for you. I’m absolutely sure he’ll want to be. How long have you been together?’

‘Twenty-two years married, three before that when we were courting.’

‘There’s just no way he’d turn his back on you now,’ Bel insisted.

Josie didn’t argue; there was no point.

‘Yvonne, the breast care nurse, mentioned that you’ve already had your first bout of chemotherapy,’ Bel went on. ‘Did you suffer any side effects?’

Josie rolled her eyes. ‘Did I? They were awful. I’ve never felt so bad, but I was lucky, because I got over them in a couple of days, so I was able to go back to work, and to see my son on Saturday.’

‘Did your husband realise you were unwell?’

Josie nodded. ‘It was hard to miss. He thinks it was food poisoning, but obviously I won’t be able to keep putting it down to that.’

‘No, but how was he with you when you were unwell?’

Josie shrugged. ‘A bit annoyed that I didn’t have the strength to clean up after myself. He brought a blanket to keep me warm while I was in the bathroom, which was nice, and he didn’t get on too much when he came home that night to find no food on the table.’ She took a sip of her tea and found it had gone cold. ‘If I’m being really honest,’ she went on, looking down at the large leaves floating around randomly, rather like her thoughts, ‘I think I’m still in denial about it all, which sounds mad, doesn’t it, when I’ve already had chemo?’

Bel didn’t agree. ‘In my experience it takes a long time to accept it fully,’ she said. ‘You keep waking up in the morning and thinking it was a bad dream. Or you tell yourself the diagnosis was wrong.’

‘It was like that for your sister?’

‘For us all, actually.’

Josie said, ‘I feel like, if I tell my family it’ll make it more real.’

‘It will,’ Bel said honestly.

‘I suppose thinking like that makes it a bit more about me than I was realising.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with that, because it is about you. It’s about all of you, of course, but you’re the one who matters, and believe me, that’s what your family will think. You can worry about them as much as you like, but I can promise you, they’d far rather you worried about doing whatever it takes to get yourself well.’

‘I wish there was something else I could do, apart from going through this chemo. Did your . . . Do you mind me asking, did your sister have chemo?’

‘Yes, she did, and you’re right, it’s awful. That’s not the case for everyone, but I think it is for most.’

‘And how – how long was it before she lost her hair? Maybe she didn’t.’

‘Yes, she did. It started to fall out after the third or fourth session. She’d never been particularly vain, but it was devastating. Another confirmation of what was happening to her, one more reality check.’

‘And how was it for you, being reminded every time you looked at her that she was sick?’

‘I was more concerned about how it was for her, looking at me and seeing how she used to be. We were twins, you see. So I shaved off my hair to make us look the same again.’

Josie’s eyes widened with surprise. ‘You did that for her? You must have loved her very much.’

‘Yes, I did, but she was furious when she first saw what I’d done. We had a terrible fight, but it was too late by then, and in the end I think it turned out to be important for us both. I understood a little more of how she felt to have lost such a crucial part of her femininity, and she understood why it mattered to me that she wasn’t alone in the loss.’

Josie felt so moved by the closeness of the sisters that she almost couldn’t bear the fact that they were no longer together. ‘She was very lucky to have you,’ she said. ‘I don’t know anyone else who’d do so much for their sister.’

‘I don’t think it’s entirely unheard of, and the way I looked at it was, it’s just hair. Some people donate kidneys or bone marrow, a part of themselves that truly makes a difference. I’d have done that too, of course, if it had been necessary. And I’d have gone through the chemo if it would have made hers any easier to bear, but obviously it doesn’t work like that.’

‘You went with her for treatments, though?’

‘Yes, unless Nick, her husband wanted to go, but he had to work so usually it was me. Does someone go with you?’

Josie shook her head. ‘I don’t have any brothers or sisters, and my best friend, Dawnie . . . Well, she’s the one my husband had an affair with.’

Bel’s expression softened with sympathy. ‘That must have been tough.’

Josie didn’t deny it. ‘She’s moved away now. We never see her. She’d have come though, if she was still here and things were different.’

‘What about your mother?’

Josie pulled a face. ‘If you’d met her you’d understand why she wouldn’t be the best person to take with me. No, I don’t mind going on my own, the nurses are lovely and the time went by quite quickly. Speaking of which,’ she said, glancing at her watch, ‘oh my goodness, I can’t believe how long I’ve been here. I hope I’m not holding you up.’

‘Not at all. It’s barely been an hour.’

‘I didn’t expect to take up even half of that. I ought to be going.’ She was already on her feet.

‘Please don’t rush off,’ Bel protested. ‘Stay and have another cup of tea?’

‘I’d love to,’ Josie said truthfully, ‘but the bus is due in five minutes and if I miss that one I’ll have to wait another hour.’

‘I can drive you home.’

‘Oh no, no, I wouldn’t hear of it. You’ve been kind enough as it is.’

‘I don’t feel as though I’ve helped in any way,’ Bel confessed as she walked her to the door.

‘Oh but you have. It’s done me the power of good, talking to you.’ It was the truth, it really had helped.

‘Do you think you’re any closer to telling your husband?’ Bel asked.

Feeling the light dulling inside her, Josie said, ‘I’m not sure. I’ll know better when I see him.’

‘You need to do it,’ Bel urged gently, ‘and sooner rather than later, you know that, don’t you?’

Josie regarded her askance.

‘Give him a chance, I’m sure he’ll be every bit as supportive as you need him to be.’

Hoping she was right, Josie opened the door.

‘Will you let me know how it goes?’ Bel asked, stepping outside with her.

Surprised, Josie said, ‘Of course, if you want me to.’

‘I do. You have my mobile number. Give me a call, or send a text, and if you need to talk again, you know where I am.’

After watching Josie walk out through the gates and giving her a wave as she turned back, Bel closed the door and returned to the kitchen. She hadn’t expected to be so affected by Josie, but there was something about her that had really got to her. It wasn’t only the fact that she had cancer, which was enough on its own to make Bel care, it was that she was so sweet and natural and touchingly honest. She just hoped that husband of hers wasn’t a bully, or worse, because Bel would hate him if he were and want to do everything she could to protect Josie from him.

‘The way you used to protect me,’ Talia said.

Bel looked across the room, half expecting to see her sister sitting there. Had she been listening while Josie was here? It had felt as though she was; talking about her often made her seem present.

‘You told me to hide under the stairs and then you pretended not to know where I was,’ Talia reminded her.

Their father hadn’t appreciated that.

Taking a quick breath, Bel pressed the memory back into the darkness it had escaped from.

She couldn’t help wondering if Josie was any closer to telling her husband than she’d been before coming here. Sadly, she didn’t feel convinced. Surely to God he wouldn’t leave her when he found out; Josie had to be wrong about that. If she wasn’t, then maybe she’d be better off without him, though Bel was hardly in a position to make that judgement, and even if she were, she knew only too well how hard it was to persuade a woman to stop loving a man who was self-absorbed and abusive.

Not every man is like your father, she reminded herself. Jeff Clark could easily be as sweet-natured as his wife, albeit in a gruffer, more macho sort of way.

Then why was Josie afraid of him?

Perhaps it wasn’t fear as much as a wretched insecurity, resulting from the time he’d cheated on her.
With her best friend.

And the son was in prison.

Bel wondered what had put him there, and felt for Josie all over again at how devastated she’d seemed by it.

‘Don’t get too involved,’ Talia cautioned. ‘You’ve already been down this road once, you don’t want to go there again.’

It was true, Bel had no desire to support someone through that dreaded disease again, but since it wasn’t what Josie was asking, it was hardly an issue. Josie did need to talk to someone though, whether she realised it or not.

‘I had you,’ Talia said, ‘but I still lost.’

‘Not everyone loses, we were unlucky.’

‘And you’re thinking Josie might be one of the lucky ones?’

‘Is there any reason why she shouldn’t be?’

‘No, of course not.’

Reaching for her mobile as it rang, she saw it was Harry and her heart gave a skip of surprise. As she clicked on she found herself wondering if he was Josie’s surgeon. She wouldn’t ask, it wasn’t any of her business, and anyway, it would be wholly inappropriate.

‘Hi,’ she said warmly. ‘How did you enjoy the show?’

‘To quote my sons,’ he replied, ‘it was awesome. Some really great new works, I only wish I could have afforded one. What I can afford, however, is a slap-up dinner at a restaurant of your choice to say thank you.’

Laughing, Bel said, ‘Honestly, you really don’t have to. Remember, it was Nick who got the tickets, not me.’

‘Don’t worry, I was intending to invite him too. And his wife, since it would seem rude to leave her out. I just need you to decide when would work best for you and where you’d like to go. Personally, I can do this weekend on Friday or Saturday, or next week on Thursday.’

Deciding now wasn’t the time to tell him that relations between her and Nick were strained, she replied, ‘I’m sure one of those days will work, but it’ll probably only be two of us as someone will have to babysit.’

‘Of course, just as long as you’re one of the two. Is that selfish? I guess it is, but I don’t think I’ll take it back. Now, before you go, how’re things progressing with the barn?’

Surprised and pleased he’d asked, she said, ‘Well, I’m getting ready to hand over a deposit just as soon as the surveyors have come back with their report, which should be sometime this week or next. Provided there’s nothing too drastic to worry about there, we’ll start wading in for the real headaches which begin when we get involved with the town planners, though I’m glad to say they’re not as bad in this area as some I’ve dealt with.’

‘Is the place listed?’

‘Grade II, which happily isn’t anywhere near as difficult as Grade I. Not that it’s a picnic, but it shouldn’t throw up quite as much lunacy. You’ll have to come and see it sometime.’ Had she really meant that? Why on earth would he want to?

‘I’d love to,’ he assured her. ‘Just let me know when. And get back to me about dinner as soon as, so I can book a table.’

Clicking off the line, she frowned deeply as she tried to catch her thoughts. They seemed to be going off in all directions, random fragments of warning, hope, common sense, relief that he hadn’t got into talking about her father.

In the end she let it all go, and went back to thinking about Josie.

‘
WHAT THE HECK’S
this when it’s at home?’ Jeff demanded, peering suspiciously into his mug.

‘It’s jasmine tea,’ Josie informed him. ‘I thought we’d try some for a change.’

He gawped at her incredulously. ‘What, did we win the lottery or something? How much did it cost?’

‘Not much more than our usual,’ she lied, since it was almost double the price for half the amount, ‘and I thought it would be nice to try something different for once. You always like it when we go to the Chinese.’

‘Yeah, but that’s there, where they don’t serve a proper cuppa. I don’t want it in my own home.’

Josie took a sip of hers and felt sorry it didn’t taste quite as good as when Bel Monkton had made it. Most likely Bel had had a better-quality brand, and maybe the size of the cups helped. Serving it in mugs wasn’t quite the same. ‘I bet you’d be loving it if Lily had made it,’ she declared, deciding she wouldn’t mind if he did.