Never Say Goodbye (38 page)

Bel laughed. ‘Don’t worry, I escaped while she was making the tea. Is she still there?’

‘I don’t think so. I can’t hear anything downstairs, which is why I was afraid she’d managed to talk you into making her queen of the estate for the day.’

‘Next time,’ Bel promised.

‘Please don’t encourage her.’ There was a pause before she said, ‘I probably ought to go now.’

‘Yes, you probably should,’ Bel agreed. ‘I’ll call tomorrow to check up on you.’

Whether or not Josie heard wasn’t possible to say, as there was no response from the other end.

Ringing off, Bel indicated to turn into the farm complex, and as she drew up in the yard she felt sorry that Josie wasn’t with her to enjoy an hour or two of spring sunshine. After weeks of endless cold and rain, it was wonderfully uplifting to see daffodils starting to bud, and buttery-yellow primroses smiling from grassy banks. Swallows were soaring in and out of the barn as though they’d just been freed, while a handful of pigeons poked busily about the dovecote. She couldn’t help thinking how happy Talia, the nature lover, would be here, but maybe, somewhere up there in the world of clouds and sea of sky, she was watching.

‘
He didn’t dare to get in touch
,’ she could hear Talia saying.
‘Good. He’ll be gone by now, back to a world where his conscience isn’t troubled by memory.’

‘Is that how he lives, in denial?’ Bel asked.

‘Where else would house him?’

‘And when he’s here? Where is his conscience then?’

‘All around him, like the ribbons he used to make us wear in our hair, tying him up in knots, strangling him with guilt. He wants your forgiveness.’

‘He’ll never have it. Is Mummy with you?’

‘You know she is.’

‘Why doesn’t she speak to me?’

‘She does; you aren’t listening.’

‘Does she blame me?’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

‘You know it was.’

As the phone broke through the chatter in her mind, Bel looked at the screen and felt momentarily perplexed to see it was Harry. ‘Hi, this is a nice surprise,’ she said, this being the first time he’d been in touch since the night of the dinner.

‘I’m glad you think so,’ he responded, ‘because I was afraid you might have written me off as a feckless friend by now. My only excuse is I was in Madrid for a week, at a medical conference, and then Istanbul lecturing on oncoplastic breast surgery. All pretty hectic, and my feet have hardly touched the ground since I got back, but I wasn’t prepared to let another day go by without calling. So how are you?’

Slightly thrown by this need to be in touch, Bel said, ‘I’m fine, thanks. I hope you got my text thanking you for dinner and apologising again for the way it started.’

‘I did, and I’m sorry I didn’t text back. So how’s Nick? I trust he got home in one piece?’

‘Fortunately, yes, and I think he’s OK. I haven’t seen much of him since, but he’s coming over this evening, and I’m very much afraid it’s to tell me that he’s going to Sydney sooner rather than later.’ Even saying the words was difficult. Imagining the reality was like tearing pages from a beloved book: it wouldn’t make any sense without them, and there was nothing to fill the space.

Apart from the barn.

‘Well, I hope you’re wrong about that,’ Harry declared, ‘because I know you won’t find it easy being so far from the children.’

The understatement almost made her smile. ‘How are yours?’ she asked. ‘I expect they missed you while you were away.’

In his typically wry way, he replied, ‘Oh, I doubt that, they’re so busy all the time with their sport and music and countless after-school clubs. I’ve barely seen them since I got back, but I’m planning to reintroduce myself at the weekend when we all have some time off. I’ll be interested to see how well they remember me.’

Laughing, she said, ‘I’m sure they can hardly wait.’

‘You don’t know my sons, which could be a good thing. Anyway, I’d better come to the point. I was wondering if you might be free one evening this week? I have another big favour to ask, nothing to do with tickets this time, I promise. It’s more of an opinion I’m after, but I’m aware it’s using up more of your generosity, for which I’m very happy to pay with a drink, or dinner if you like. I’m hoping you’ll opt for the dinner.’

Though she’d love nothing better than to spend another evening with him, she had to keep reminding herself that he was married, and even if it wasn’t a date he was proposing, it still wasn’t a good idea for their friendship to go any further.

On the other hand, what excuse could she give for not going?

‘OK, you’re hesitating. Does this mean you’d rather I rang off now?’

‘No, no,’ she said quickly. ‘I’m just . . . It’s kind of . . .’ Oh to hell with it! ‘Yes, of course I’m free, but maybe I ought to be asking what I’m supposed to be giving an opinion on.’

‘Oh, that’s easy. My mother’s interested in buying an apartment on Kesterly seafront, and as you’re the only property expert I know I was hoping you’d come and take a look at it with me.’

‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘Will your mother be coming too?’

‘No, she’s still in India, but one of my uncles has told her it’s time to expand her property portfolio, and in their dubious wisdom they’ve put yours truly in charge.’

‘OK,’ she said, drawing it out, ‘so when do you want to do it?’

‘The agent can make Thursday or Friday, so whichever suits you. It’ll have to be after five for me, which is why I suggested a drink and dinner when we’re done.’

It was still managing to sound like a date, but that was probably her overactive or suspicious imagination. If she turned out to be right, she could always explain at the time that she didn’t play around with married men, no matter how attractive she might find them.

‘You don’t play around with anyone,’ Talia reminded her.

This was true, so what was she worried about?

‘Why don’t we make it Friday,’ she suggested. ‘If you text me the address I can meet you there.’

‘I’ll do it right now,’ he promised. ‘Thanks for agreeing. I’ll look forward to seeing you.’

Clicking off the line, Bel sat staring past the barn to the fields beyond. She was waiting for Talia to speak to her again, to come out with some little homily designed to inspire, or a memory to keep her in check, or even a tease, but it seemed she had nothing to say.

I know you’re there, Bel told her. I can feel you.

There was still no response.

Josie was lying in bed, unable to move. She’d tried getting up a while ago, but it was like struggling with a tight band strapping her head to the pillow, and her bones were cracking with the effort. She didn’t want to cry, but she was so close to it that tears kept burning her eyes. It was awful, feeling sorry for herself like this when there were people so much worse off than her, and they wouldn’t be better in a couple of days. Or weeks, however long it took this time for her to get back on her feet.

She should have had her hair cut at the weekend when the second lot had come out, but she hadn’t and now she looked like a broken, balding doll that ought to be stuffed in the attic, or better still, the bin. She had to keep a scarf on all the time, even when she slept, because it would have been horrible for Jeff to wake up and see the state she was in. Of course it slipped off when she turned over, but as far as she knew he hadn’t yet seen the miserable curls still clinging to her head like seaweed to a rock. As soon as she was back on her feet she’d have to get it sorted, though the thought of going into the hairdressers on the high street and having them see her like this was making her want to cry again.

Everyone was being so kind, offering to do her shopping, or the housework, or anything else she might need. She was grateful, she really was, but she wished they’d stop calling. She wasn’t up to speaking to them today, maybe by the end of the week, when she should be strong enough to tackle the chores anyway and to laugh off her balding head.

Was she ever going to find that funny? She couldn’t imagine it, though she and Bel had managed a giggle when she’d likened herself to a boiled egg.

She and Dawnie used to be terrible gigglers.

Feeling her mobile vibrating, she checked who it was and seeing it was a woman she’d worked with years ago, she let the call go through to messages. Word was definitely getting around. She wondered if it had reached Dawnie yet.

She’d turn the phone off if she weren’t hoping Jeff would ring to check on her.

He still hadn’t looked at the booklet she’d given him for the partners of people with breast cancer. She wished he would, it might help them both if he had a better idea of how to cope, but she knew she couldn’t force him to. He was probably frightened, a bit angry too, and feeling helpless wasn’t something he’d ever taken to very well. It was part of the reason he wouldn’t see Ryan; it reminded him that he was powerless to make things right for his son. She wished he’d come to the prison with her when she went to break the news, but she knew he wouldn’t.

Lily would be there. Her dear, sweet Lily who was trying her best not to be scared, but Josie could see it in her eyes. That was what cancer did to people, it scared them witless before the doctors made it pack its bags and bugger off where it belonged.

Where was that, she wondered? Definitely not here.

Feeling the buzz of her mobile again, she lifted it up and seeing it was Bel she experienced a flicker of relief somewhere deep inside. Odd how a virtual stranger made her feel safe.

‘Hi, how are you today?’ Bel asked gently.

‘Oh, not too bad,’ Josie lied. ‘A bit tired, you know.’

‘Is anyone with you?’

‘Not at the moment, but Lily’s staying for the week. She’s gone up the shops now, but she’ll be back any minute.’

‘That’s good. Actually, I’d like to speak to her if I can.’

‘Of course. Shall I give her your number?’

‘Yes, please, and if I could have hers . . .’

Knowing she didn’t have the strength to send a text, Josie said, ‘If you’ve got a pen I can give it to you now.’ As she reeled it off from memory, she closed her eyes. It was as though a lorry had mowed her down; every part of her ached, and her head continued to throb like her brain was trying to get out.

It’s all right,
she reminded herself weakly,
it’ll pass.

‘Tell me again, when’s your next appointment at the breast clinic?’ Bel asked.

‘I think it’s the twenty-fourth. Just over two weeks.’ She’d be halfway through by then; she wasn’t sure she could take any more.

‘Will Lily or Jeff go with you?’

‘I don’t know yet.’ She couldn’t think that far ahead.

‘OK. I can tell I’m tiring you,’ Bel said softly. ‘I’ll ring off now, but you know where I am if you need me.’

‘Thank you,’ Josie murmured, and without clicking off she let the phone slide from her hand.

She wanted to sleep so badly, but sleep wouldn’t come.

A few minutes later she heard voices downstairs, and realised Jeff had come back with Lily. She was glad they were together; they’d keep each other’s spirits up. As if to prove her right she heard Lily laughing as she came up the stairs.

‘Are you awake?’ Lily whispered, peering round the door.

Josie forced her eyes open. ‘What were you laughing at?’ she asked.

Lily smiled and came to sit on the bed next to her. ‘I asked Dad if he wanted a cuppa and he said it was like a packet of fruit gums in the cupboard with all your different teas.’

Josie managed a smile in return.

Lily smoothed her cheek and gazed at her lovingly. ‘Can I get you anything?’ she asked.

‘I’m all right.’

‘You haven’t eaten today.’

‘I will, later.’ She wouldn’t tell her about the ulcers in her mouth, or the horrible taste, there was no need for her to know.

‘I had a phone call just now,’ Lily said, ‘from someone called Bel Monkton.’

‘Yes, she said she was going to ring you.’

‘I’ve arranged to meet her on Friday. She says she wants to talk to me about you. Who is she?’

‘She’s someone I met through the breast unit at the hospital. She’s a lovely person, you’ll like her.’

‘So do you think she wants to give me some advice on how to help you?’

‘Possibly.’

Accepting that, Lily turned round as Jeff came into the room.

‘Liquorice,’ he announced, putting a mug down on Josie’s nightstand. ‘I forgot the biscuits. Do you want to pop down and get them?’ he said to Lily.

After she’d gone he went on standing next to the bed, seeming unsure about sitting. ‘I have to go out again in a minute,’ he told her. ‘I’m going to drive our Lily into Kesterly, then I’ve got a fare to pick up from the station.’

‘OK,’ she answered, closing her eyes.

‘I don’t expect Lily’ll be much more than an hour or so.’

Bless him, he was worried, but she wanted to be alone.

‘You’ll be all right,’ he stated, making it sound like more of an order than a question.

She managed a smile. ‘Of course I will,’ she said. ‘Right as rain by tomorrow.’

Bel was staring at Nick aghast. ‘What do you mean, Kristina’s left you?’ she cried, feeling horribly agitated by all the crowding implications. ‘Where are the children, for heaven’s sake? Please don’t tell me she took them with her.’

‘No, of course not,’ he replied, his bloodshot eyes and unshaven chin lending a forlorn wretchedness to his despair. ‘Suzie came down from Norwich. She’s staying till the weekend.’

‘Suzie? Your stepsister?’ Bel exclaimed incredulously. ‘I thought you two weren’t speaking.’

‘She contacted me a couple of weeks ago to apologise for the things she said when I married Kristina. Of course, I’m getting all the “I told you so’s” now, but that’s only to be expected.’

Bel almost slammed down his glass of beer. ‘Let me get this straight,’ she snapped. ‘When Kristina went you turned to Suzie for help with the children, instead of to me?’

He regarded her helplessly. ‘I understand why you’d feel hurt by that,’ he responded, ‘but, in the circumstances, it seemed the right thing to do.’