Never Say Goodbye (47 page)

‘I know how often you think about Harry, how you long to take a chance and trust him.’

‘He’s married; he’ll probably end up going back to her.’

‘Maybe, but why not take a risk for once in your life? Losing me should have taught you that we have to make the most of the time we’re given, but you still haven’t learned it.’

‘Is that why you brought Josie into my life?’

‘Do you think I did that?’

Bel only knew that was how it felt.

Pushing herself away from the door, she returned to the kitchen, where Kristina’s scent was lingering like a reminder.
‘How can I give up your children?’
she asked Talia, knowing she’d almost rather die than never be able to hold their precious little bodies in her arms again, or watch their faces light up when they saw her, or listen to their funny chatter. Her world would be completely empty without them, and she couldn’t bear to think of how confused and devastated they’d be if they thought she was turning away from them.
‘Answer me, Talia.’

‘You know the answer,’ Talia told her, ‘you just don’t want to hear it.’

‘Oh my word,’ Josie exclaimed as she realised what she was reading. ‘Jeff! Jeff!’ she called out, before remembering he’d left ten minutes ago.

Taking the stairs slowly, she went back to the bedroom for her phone. ‘Lily,’ she said into the voicemail, ‘call me when you get this. I’m fine, don’t worry. I just need to speak to you.’

Sitting on the edge of the bed she waited for a wave of dizziness to pass. If they were going to carry on using chemo to keep her alive, she might start wondering if it was worth it.

Don’t say that, Josie, you know you don’t mean it.

‘Hi, it’s me,’ she said when Bel answered her phone. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Bel assured her. ‘How are
you
?’

‘You sound a bit down,’ Josie commented.

‘No, honestly, I’m fine. In fact, I have some good news. The delightful events manager rang from the golf club just now: apparently they’re going to pay for a marquee,
and
for the reprinting and postage of new invitations.’

Josie was amazed, impressed and hugely relieved. ‘Jeff felt sure they’d listen to you,’ she told her.

‘I’m just sorry they didn’t have the manners to treat you a bit better,’ Bel responded with feeling. ‘Anyway, how did the treatment go yesterday?’

Sighing, Josie said, ‘Same as ever, but it was nice having Jeff there.’ Her eyes closed as more aching exhaustion swept through her. ‘We played a game of Scrabble,’ she went on. ‘I think he let me win.’

‘You sound tired.’

‘I am, but I have to tell you my news,’ she announced with a smile in her voice. ‘I’ve had a letter inviting me to go and have my measurements taken for the fashion show.’

Bel gave a cry of triumph. ‘I felt sure you’d get through,’ she declared.

‘They’ll probably change their minds when they see me.’

‘Don’t talk nonsense. When do you have to go?’

‘Just under two weeks. Will you come with me?’

‘Of course. No way would I let you jaunt off to London on your own.’

‘That’s good,’ Josie said weakly. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then?’ She had to ring off now, or she might start groaning and retching down the phone.

The following afternoon Bel was sitting at one end of Josie’s sofa, her feet curled under her, a cup of peppermint tea going cold on the floor in front of her. She could hardly believe how much talking she’d done in the past half an hour, and was embarrassed and concerned now about loading her problems on to Josie’s worryingly frail-looking shoulders. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, pushing her hands through her hair, ‘I didn’t mean to . . .’

‘There’s nothing to apologise for,’ Josie interrupted, managing to sound far stronger than she looked. ‘You obviously needed to get it all off your chest, so it’s good that you did.’

‘Not good, selfish,’ Bel protested. ‘The trouble is you’re an amazingly patient listener and I’m going round and round in circles . . .’

‘It’s no wonder, when you’re facing such a dilemma. Have you spoken to Kristina again since?’

Bel shook her head. ‘She texted to say she’s gone back to London, but I don’t know how things went with Nick when she saw him.’

‘Does he know what she’s asked you to do?’

‘I shouldn’t think so.’

Josie let a breath go slowly as she thought, or was it, Bel wondered, to give some inner discomfort time to pass. ‘OK, let’s deal with the other things first,’ Josie decided, ‘then we’ll come on to the children.’

Confused, Bel said, ‘What other things?’

‘The barn? Are you sure you want to give up on it?’

Going with the subject change, Bel said, ‘No, but I don’t like being blackmailed into upping my offer when we shook on a deal.’

‘I understand that, and I don’t blame you, but this farmer’s obviously a bit of a charlatan, or greedy b— as Jeff would call him, so now you have to ask yourself, is the property, as it stands, worth seventy grand more?’

Since she’d already given this some thought, Bel was able to say, ‘Depending on how the property market’s looking after the conversion, it could be.’

‘In which case you could say you were getting a bargain, and now you’re being asked to cough up full price?’

That was one way of putting it.

‘So why don’t you do that, look at it as paying the going rate, but make a promise to yourself that it stops there? Unless you want to get into a bidding war with this other buyer, but I don’t imagine you do.’

‘No, of course not.’ Bel sighed irritably. ‘I think I’ll sit on it for a couple more days, just in case the other guy pulls out. If not, I’ll do as you say and match the offer.’ Her smile was weak as she said, ‘If I’m going to let the children go, I have to have something to help fill the gap.’ The mere thought of it was making her want to force Kristina to go away and never come back into their lives – as if she could!

Josie’s lashless, red-rimmed eyes were dark with earnestness as she said ‘You can’t let them go. It wouldn’t be right for them, or for you.’

Bel took a breath. Though it was what she wanted to hear, she knew in her heart that Josie was just being loyal.

‘What you should do,’ Josie continued, ‘is call Kristina and say you’re sorry you haven’t made things easy for her, but if she’s prepared to abandon the idea of Sydney for now, and give you another chance, you’ll work much harder to accept her as the children’s stepmother and Nick’s wife. In fact, it sounds to me as if you all need to try a bit harder. You’re grown ups, after all, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t get along, and the best place to start is with you forgiving her, and Nick, for getting married so soon after your sister’s death.’

Bel was quietly stunned. This wasn’t what she’d expected from Josie, and for the moment she wasn’t sure how to react.

‘Of course, she might not go for it,’ Josie ran on, ‘but if she’s that keen to save her marriage I’m sure she’ll be willing to give it a try. Naturally she’ll have to feel convinced you really will accept her into the family.’

Bel was regarding her in disbelief. ‘You’re a bit of a genius really, aren’t you?’ she murmured, meaning it.

‘That would be me,’ Josie agreed with a twinkle.

Still adjusting to the possibility that she might not have to give up the children, Bel said, ‘Do you think I should go and see her to talk it through?’

‘You could, but if I were you I’d have a chat with Nick first, and if he’s in agreement he can ask her to come back to Kesterly so the three of you can sit down and discuss it together.’

Finding herself completely taken by the idea, Bel was tempted to call Nick right away.

‘Do it,’ Josie urged, when Bel voiced her thoughts.

Taking out her phone Bel scrolled to his number. Given the time of day she wasn’t surprised to find herself going through to voicemail. ‘Nick, it’s me,’ she said, her eyes on Josie, ‘I’d like to have a chat with you this evening, if you can stay on after the children have gone to bed. It’s quite important and might take a while, so . . . Well, I hope you can make it.’

After ringing off she regarded the genius again. ‘I’m starting to wonder if you’re hotwired to my sister,’ she told her, ‘because I’m sure this is exactly what she’d have advised.’

‘It wasn’t so difficult really,’ Josie responded.

‘Maybe not from where you’re sitting, but I’m only just seeing how complicated I’ve made things, and how difficult I’ve been, not to mention possessive and protective of the children, even of Nick, and all the time Kristina was trying to be my friend. Oh God, what a horrible person I am, trying to shut her out when she’s very sweet really, and I know she longs to be a good mum.’

‘So you can show her how,’ Josie said.

Bel’s eyebrows rose. ‘I’m a good aunt, not mother,’ she corrected.

‘Call yourself what you like, the point is you have a longer history with the children than she has, so you can share that history and make her feel a part of things in a way you clearly haven’t up to now.’

Noticing the way her hands were clenched in her lap, possibly reacting to pain, Bel said, ‘Are you OK? Would you rather I left so you can lie down for a while?’

‘I’m fine,’ Josie assured her. ‘Another tea would be lovely though, then maybe we ought to get down to the other issue Kristina raised.’

‘The other issue?’ Bel echoed.

‘About you not having any proper relationships.’

Bel’s heart turned over. She really ought not to have mentioned that, and seriously wished now that she hadn’t.

‘Is she right?’ Josie asked. ‘It’s hard for me to imagine when you’re so lovely, but she must have said it for a reason and I can see from the way the light went out in your eyes that she definitely hit a nerve.’

‘It’s not . . . I don’t think we should get into it,’ Bel replied shakily. ‘I know it’s something I have to sort out, but I can promise you, it’s not as straightforward as the issue with the children. In fact, it’s not straightforward at all.’

‘You didn’t think the one with the children was,’ Josie reminded her, ‘so now I’m going to be cheeky enough to tell you that I thought I noticed a spark of something between you and Mr Beck when we were at the clinic . . . I can see your colour coming up, so I’m right.’

‘It’s really not what you think,’ Bel insisted.

‘Whatever it is, and whatever I might think, I know it’s not unusual for women who have issues from the past to get themselves into relationships that are almost bound to fail, and I’m worried that you might be attracted to him because he’s married. Married can make people with commitment issues feel safe.’

‘Actually, his marriage is breaking up,’ Bel admitted. ‘He’s moving into a flat on the Promenade as soon as the sale goes through.’

Josie’s eyes widened. ‘Well, if that’s the case, there’s not quite so much to worry about. Unless . . . Do you know what went wrong with the marriage?’

‘He’s a workaholic, and I believe his wife met someone else.’

‘Oh dear, poor Mr Beck. Is he upset about it? I’m sure he must be.’

‘Yes, I think he is, but we haven’t really discussed it.’

‘I see. So you could say he’s on the rebound. I’m not sure that’s very good either. Has he . . . Well, has he ever made a pass at you?’

Bel had to laugh at that. ‘Not as such,’ she replied, ‘but I think he’d like to be friends. The trouble is, if it leads to anything else . . .’ She put up a hand to show that she wasn’t prepared to let it.

‘We all need friends,’ Josie pointed out, ‘and knowing what a very lovely one you are, I can only applaud his good sense.’

‘Thank you for that,’ Bel said, ‘but believe me, it would be better for him if he found somebody else.’

Apparently Josie wasn’t going to be budged. ‘I take it your sister was aware of whatever your problem is,’ she stated.

Bel nodded. ‘Yes, of course.’

‘So did she think you were dealing with it the right way?’

Bel couldn’t lie. ‘No, she didn’t, but . . .’

‘So what would she say if she was here with us now?’

Bel had no problem finding the answer to that. ‘Very probably what you want to say,’ she conceded.

‘OK, then I’ll say it for her, why don’t you give it a try? What harm can it do to have a drink or a meal with him once in a while?’

Bel sighed. ‘When you put it like that it sounds very easy, but . . .’

‘No buts,’ Josie scolded. ‘If your sister can find the courage to face all that she went through, I’m sure you can find enough to reach out a hand of friendship to someone who deserves it.’

How could she possibly argue with that?

‘Unless,’ Josie continued, ‘you really do want to spend the rest of your life alone, and somehow I don’t think you do.’

Bel’s eyes went down as she heard Talia urging her to understand how important it was to take her advice.
I’ve told you this so many times, will you please start listening?

Setting her troublesome subconscious aside, she said, ‘I’ll go and make that tea. Then, if you’re feeling up to it, we can have a look through the list of caterers I’ve brought with me. Did Lily tell you that she rang me last night to say she doesn’t need to see the garden, she’d love to accept anyway?’

‘Yes, she called me after,’ Josie replied. ‘What she said to me was fab, fab, fab, Bel is amazing and we have to make sure we let her invite someone too.’

Realising exactly where Josie’s mind was going with that, Bel had to smile, even though she knew how unlikely it was that she’d end up asking Harry.

‘Speak of the devil,’ Josie declared, as her mobile rang. ‘Hello my love,’ she said to Lily. ‘Any news yet?’

‘Oh Mum! You’re never going to believe this,’ Lily cried. ‘I’ve only got a first.’

Tears rushed to Josie’s eyes. ‘Oh my goodness, my goodness,’ she spluttered. ‘Oh Lily, I’m so proud of you. Bel, she got a first. My girl has
got a first
.’

Bel couldn’t have felt more thrilled. ‘That’s fantastic, Lily,’ she called out. ‘Well done. You’re amazing!’

‘How about Jasper?’ Josie remembered to ask.

‘He got a first too,’ Lily told her. ‘We’re going to get wasted tonight, that’s for sure. Oh Mum, I love you so much. I can’t wait to tell Dad. Let me ring him, will you?’