New Life (19 page)

“You’re here really early,” Sherry the
receptionist noted. “And with flowers. What’s the occasion?”

I didn’t want to explain, so I pretended not
to hear her and hurried toward the elevator. Wearing my best jeans
and a button-down shirt instead of my usual tee, I was as
presentable as I’d ever be. If I could suppress the churning fear
in my stomach, I’d do okay. But I wished I’d had another drink of
the vodka to fortify my courage.

I leaned against the wall of the elevator and
watched the numbers announce each floor. Only two, so it didn’t
take nearly long enough for me to review the steps of my brilliant
master plan: go to Anna’s office, knock on the door, offer the
flowers and a heartfelt apology for hooking up with Lisa, accept
Anna’s forgiveness and her kiss. How hard could it be?

If you feel impending disaster looming, you
should probably listen to the voice in your head yelling,
Danger, Will Robinson
.

The elevator doors slid open, and a pair of
lawyers in sharp suits waited in the hallway, both working on
tablets as they chatted about a case. They barely spared me a
glance as they stepped into the elevator and I walked out.

I looked down at the orange and yellow
flowers in my hand. Their bright colors gave me courage. Sure, a
bouquet and an apology were kind of lame for a grand gesture, but
Anna liked simple things, and I had to believe she still liked me.
I would make her forgive me with the force of my conviction never
to fuck up again.

“Excuse me,” the Haggenstern and Lowe
receptionist called out as I walked past. “Can I help you?”

“I’m here to see Anna Stevens.” I held the
bouquet up in front of me like a shield.

“Your name?” the receptionist asked.

“Jason. But you don’t have to tell her I’m
here. I’ll just go to her office.”

“I’m sorry, sir. You can’t go back to the
offices without an appointment. I’ll let Ms. Stevens know you’re
waiting for her.”

Great. Anna could have me sent away before I
got a chance to talk to her. I should’ve worn my coverall so I
could go wherever I wanted in the building. Never thought the ugly
thing would come in handy. But, on the other hand, a janitor’s
uniform hardly signaled romantic intentions.

The receptionist spoke into her headset,
announcing my arrival to Anna. Deciding not to take a chance on
rejection, I forged past the front desk and into the communal area
the offices shared. I’d moved around here night after night,
cleaning, straightening, setting things back in order, but I’d
rarely seen it full of busy lawyers. I held the bouquet hidden by
my side, wishing I hadn’t brought the stupid thing, and strode
toward Anna’s office as if I belonged there. I was halfway there
when Anna came around the corner.

“Jason, what are you doing here?”

It was hardly the greeting I’d hoped for, and
her dismayed expression wasn’t encouraging.

“You walked out, and I didn’t get to
apologize.”

“So you came to confront me at work?” Her
voice lowered, and her gaze darted around the office, gauging how
many people were watching us.

I glanced down at the limp flowers and
wondered how the not-so-grand romantic gesture had turned into a
confrontation. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

“This isn’t the time or place to talk.” Anna
moved closer, and her eyes narrowed. “Have you been drinking?”

“A little,” I muttered. “But I’m not drunk. I
just wanted to, uh, give you these and to tell you how sorry I am
for what happened.” I thrust the bouquet toward her.

“Anna, I’m sorry. I told him to wait.” The
receptionist’s voice came from behind me. “Should I call
security?”

This wasn’t going at all according to plan.
People were starting to look at us with curious eyes. My cheeks
burned, and I wanted to disappear. Bad idea to come here. Just
bad.

“No! That’s okay, Regina. I’ve got this.”
Anna looked at me with her gorgeous blue eyes, and for one moment,
I thought maybe it would turn out okay after all. She’d pull me
into her office, I’d apologize
again
, make her take the damn
flowers, and all would be forgiven. Instead, she said in a voice so
cold it would make ice form on a cup of hot coffee, “Please go now,
Jason.”

She grabbed my arm and gave me a little push,
polite but firm. I didn’t recognize this Anna, didn’t know her, and
I was desperate to break through that icy veneer.

“Wait. Just wait.” I dropped the flowers on
the floor and raised my hands in surrender. “I didn’t mean to
embarrass you at work. I thought we could talk in your office. I
just wanted to say—”

“Not here and not now. I’m
working
!”

I felt as humiliated as Baby looked when she
had an accident on the floor. But I kept on talking, too loud,
swept away by uncontrolled emotions. “I’m sorry, Anna. I just want
another chance. Can’t we start over? I know I was wrong. I would
never, ever do that again.” It sounded like whining, even to me. Oh
yeah, embarrassing her at work was an excellent way to win her
back, but
still
I babbled on. “I didn’t mean for it to
happen, and I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Wasn’t this the part where the girl was so
moved by the guy’s sincerity that she gave in? But there was no
swelling music in the Haggenstern and Lowe offices, only the quiet
whispers of staring lawyers and Anna’s softly muttered,
“
Please
go, Jason. I don’t want to do this here. I’ll talk
to you later.”

The older man I’d seen Anna with the day I’d
come to change the lightbulb approached me. “You need to leave now,
sir. Whatever you want to discuss with Ms. Stevens will wait until
after office hours. And if she doesn’t wish to see you then, I
recommend you keep your distance. Don’t force her to take out a
restraining order.”

Jesus Christ, this apology had spiraled
completely out of control. I was caught in a nightmare, and my
shame was starting to edge into anger. “What the hell? I have a
right to talk to her.”

“It’s all right, Jules,” Anna said to the
man. “I’ve got this.”

“Then deal with it. Because this isn’t the
time or place.”

“Yes, I know that,” she answered shortly and
turned back to me. She touched my arm and looked up into my face.
“Don’t make me say it again, Jason. You need to leave now.” And
this time she didn’t soften it with an “I’ll talk to you
later.”

Our gazes locked for several heartbeats, and
I didn’t feel any warmth or yielding in hers. I shook off her hand.
“Fine! Whatever. Sorry I bothered you.” Was I shouting? I didn’t
mean to, but blood was surging through my veins, rushing in my ears
so my head rang. I was nearly blind as I turned and stalked back
the direction I’d come from. Everything was blurry and dark around
the edges, but I made my way with as much dignity as I could, out
of the office area.

Once I was out of sight, I practically fled
from the building. Adrenaline surged through me as if I’d just come
off a battlefield rather than a meeting with my girlfriend.
Lurching down the sidewalk outside, I tripped over an uneven spot
on the sidewalk and fell to my knees, skinning the palms of my
hands. I stayed down on the ground for a while on hands and knees,
while pedestrians skirted around me. I breathed harshly in and out,
still half hoping Anna would come hurrying after me. That was the
most humiliating thing of all, the lame-ass hope that fluttered in
my chest.

She didn’t come.

After a few minutes, I pulled myself together
and trudged across the street to the park where the merry band of
losers was parked in the usual spot. A few swallows of liquor and
two joints later, the sharp pain in my chest soothed to a dull
ache, unpleasant but manageable.

So this was going to be my life again—dreary
days and lonely nights. I’d earned it. A miraculous chance for some
real happiness had been right within my grasp, and I’d let it slip
through my fingers.

Chapter Twenty-two

I could have run after Jason and calmed him
down. Part of me wanted to, but another very large part was far too
angry. After telling me he’d hooked up with some random girl, he’d
gone silent again for several days. No messages or phone calls to
apologize, not even the night of the fight. It turned out the text
that evening had come from Cindy.

He hadn’t responded to my texts and calls
either. How could I not be furious? And then for him to show up at
my place of employment, apologize, but end up shouting… Furious was
putting it mildly.

“You okay?” Jules asked after Jason had
left.

“Yes. I’m sorry. That was completely
inappropriate, and I’ll make sure nothing like it ever happens
again.”

Jules might be my mentor, but he was also my
boss, and I was humiliated at the dramatic scene Jason had made in
front of him.

“I’m just going to go back to work now,” I
muttered as I hurried away.

Gossip would be flying through the firm like
a plague of locusts, and all I wanted to do was keep my head down
and wait for the swarm to pass. But Cindy almost immediately
barreled into my office behind me and closed the door.

“Oh my God. The hot janitor. I knew it!
Spill. Tell me everything you’ve been up to.”

“Nothing.” I blindly studied the document in
front of me. “I’m busy, so…”

“Nuh-uh. You’re not getting off so easy this
time.” She dropped into the chair across from me and tossed a few
wilted chrysanthemums from Jason’s bouquet onto my desk. “I’m not
being nosy, only supportive, and I won’t tell anyone else, I swear.
But you need to talk to somebody, don’t you?”

Unfortunately, she was right. I didn’t have
close friends in Columbus. My old friends were from a different
lifetime and already fading into the past. Cindy was the closest
thing I had to a gal pal right now, and I didn’t even like her that
much.

“How long’s this been going on?” she
prompted.

“A while,” I admitted. “We met one evening
when I was sort of having a meltdown. He was nice to me. We went
out once after that, and pretty soon we were dating. Jason’s very
sweet but sort of complicated.”

“How is he in bed?”

I stared at her. “Really?”

Cindy waggled her head. “Okay, fine. Not
pertinent information. What happened? What was he apologizing
for?”

“Hooking up with some random girl.”

“So you dumped him, and he’s trying to win
you back?”

“I didn’t dump him exactly, not in so many
words, and I’m not sure I want to. He
was
honest about what
happened and they didn’t have sex exactly. It was a drunken
mistake.”

“So you’re punishing him for a while, letting
him squirm before you forgive him. I can relate to that.”

Her words made me wince. If Cindy could
relate to anything I was doing, then I must be doing something
wrong. If I wanted to cut Jason loose permanently, that was one
thing, but if we were going to patch this up, we had to
communicate. “You’re right. I need to talk to him.”

Her face scrunched up. “I didn’t say that. I
think you should keep spanking that puppy until he knows he’s done
wrong.”

“He knows. And he’s not a puppy.”

“Looked pretty puppyish to me with that sad
bouquet and hangdog expression. You sure he’s man enough for
you?”

I thought of Jason with all his flaws and
issues, and how happy he’d made me most of the time. Since he
entered my life, my house had felt like a home. We had some
problems to work out, but the good parts were definitely worth
it.

“Yes. I’m sure,” I answered.

Cindy nodded. “Great in bed, then.”

I smiled. “Pretty damn good.”

“Is he mentally stable?” she asked. “’Cause
the way he was yelling seemed kind of out of control. I’m just
saying. One of my sisters is married to an Iraq vet. He’s a great
guy and I really love my brother-in-law, but his issues put a lot
of pressure on their marriage. His problems require a lot of giving
from my sister’s end.”

This was the most serious I’d ever heard
Cindy, which made me really listen to what she had to say.

“If you’re going to be involved with this guy
long-term, you need to consider what you’re willing to give up,
what compromises you’re willing to make.” Cindy stood and slipped
her feet back into the high heels she’d kicked off. “Feel free to
call me any time you need to talk. That’s what friends are for.
Giving sympathy and unasked-for advice.”

She smiled and gave me a finger-waggling wave
before she left.

I looked at the wilted flowers on my desk,
and my heart broke a little at how his attempt at an apology had
blown up in Jason’s face. In my heart, I wanted to make up with
him, but my head continued to remain cautious. Could I envision a
future with him in it? Should I plunge back in before I was
certain? Wasn’t it better to let his hopes, and mine, die now
rather than later?

Taking time to consider my options is the
only reason I can give for why I allowed several days to slip past
without trying to contact Jason. I needed to think hard about what
I truly expected from a relationship and what I’d say when we did
talk again. I guess I assumed he’d be there, waiting, when I was
ready.

A few days later, I picked up Baby from the
sitter, and she seemed mopey and listless. She followed me around
the apartment all the time, and I realized she’d been doing it
since Jason stopped coming over. She was eating, so I didn’t think
she was sick, but I guessed she was missing Jason as much as I was
and wondering why he’d disappeared from her life. So it was
actually my dog who forced me to come to some conclusions about my
love life. I was finished wavering back and forth. I wanted Jason
in my life, period, and was ready to work through any problems we
might have. It was time to swallow my pride and call him.