No Longer Mine (23 page)
Authors: Shiloh Walker
Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Contemporary Romance
Damnation.
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Chapter Eighteen
Nikki slept quietly, curled up against his side. The rough ride didn’t disturb her, nor did the silence of the man next to her. She was unaware of his indecision, of his dilemma as she enjoyed the first sound sleep she’d had in months.
Wade felt her warmth against his side as he steered the truck over rough, uneven terrain. She slept as peacefully as Abby did at night. The way he hadn’t slept in years.
What in the hell am I doing out here?
he wondered.
His shattered heart and bruised pride were calling out for something. She had played him for a fool.
She’d misled him, all but lied to him—that knife she’d twisted in his gut. Many times she’d thrown his past mistakes at him and let him think that was why she was so miserable, but it wasn’t
him
… It was the loss of her son.
Shit. Her son.
Fuck, what was he doing?
What would he do if he’d lost Abby? It just might kill him.
The pain alone would drive him to the edge.
But she kept twisting the knife like everything wrong in her life was
his
fault, and it wasn’t.
She’d played him for an idiot all this time, made him believe he was the reason she was so miserable.
That was simply how he saw it. She had purposefully led him to believe there was no other man in her life, had claimed that even when her eyes had been black with passion just a short while ago in the cab of this very truck.
Hell, he could still smell the musky scent of sweat, sex and woman in the air.
Her
scent still clung to him, stirring his flesh even as he damned himself for wanting her so badly.
He hurt for what she’d lost, and at the same time he was so blind with jealousy, so pissed she’d lied, he couldn’t see straight.
Could he live the rest of his life knowing she had given away what he felt was
his
?
But it wasn’t… She wasn’t
, a voice inside him whispered.
You lost her. You lost any right to her.
Logically, that made sense.
But logic wasn’t holding much weight here.
He couldn’t get past it.
No Longer Mine
Did he want it to go unpunished, all the times he had seen the light in Abby’s eyes extinguished by a cool word or look? Nikki hadn’t ever been cruel, but Abby’s sweet, childish attempts to befriend Nikki had all been ignored, and Abby had sensed in her heart that Nikki rejected her.
No. Steeling himself, locking his jaw, he told himself,
You have to do this.
He had to get her out of his system. Once and for all.
He pulled up in front of the cabin some twenty minutes later. It was cold out already and the sun hadn’t even started to set. He shook the sleeping woman awake instead of kissing her awake the way he wanted to. He couldn’t give in to the urge to cuddle her close, hold her tight.
Wade would learn to live without that. He would have to.
Nikki came awake slowly, reluctantly. Damn it all. She didn’t want to wake up. Her sleep had been peaceful and dreamless. Her body was warm and relaxed, sated.
Her mind, however, was puzzled. Her eyes scanned over unfamiliar territory and a frown wrinkled her brow. She looked over to see Wade staring moodily at the front of a little cabin.
“Where are we?” she asked, her voice husky from sleep.
She barely heard his terse reply, for her eyes had fallen on the clock. It was nearly six. They had been driving for four hours. Well, not all of the time had been spent driving, she realized, a dull flush creeping up her neck.
It faded quickly as she climbed out of the truck. His answer had just sunk in enough for her to grasp what he had said. But she must have misheard.
“Exactly what are we doing in Gatlinburg?” she asked, pulling her coat closed over her chest. Damn it, it was cold.
He paused in the middle of unloading boxes from underneath the bed cover. His eyes were solemn, his mouth a tight narrow line.
“Settling things,” he finally said after staring long and hard into her eyes for what seemed like an eternity.
“Why here?” she asked, baffled.
He didn’t answer, but she didn’t notice right away as her mind finally started functioning.“Why here?” She held her hands out, palms up in the age-old gesture of confusion.
“Because here you can’t kick me out of the house or walk away from me. Because here, your damn brothers can’t interfere, nor can anybody else. We’re on equal ground here and I’ll have my say,” Wade said, facing her over the bed of the truck.
“You did that a few months ago,” she reminded quietly, remembered pain darkening her eyes.
“That was anger, not me.” He took a box from the truck and shoved it into her arms.
Automatically, Nikki took it and dimly noted that it was full of food. She frowned at it while she studied him, trying to fit the pieces together in her head. It wasn’t easy—her brain was still addled from
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sleep and sex. She realized he had planned this. Very thoroughly planned it. Finally, she asked, “Are you saying you’re not angry now?”
Unreadable black eyes met hers. Softly, truthfully, he said, “No. I am not angry.” He was hurting. He was desperate. He was unbelievably confused, he was insanely jealous and he was furious. Anger didn’t come close to describing what he was feeling now.
He took the box from her, dropped it to the ground, then moved closer until his toes nudged hers and she had to tip her head back to meet his eyes. He cupped her chin in his hand, studying her face.
She stiffened when his fingers traced over the scars nearly hidden at her hairline, but the questions didn’t come. His mouth spasmed once before it drew tight into a frown. “We’re going to settle this,” he repeated, his voice firm. Then he released her, took up a couple of boxes and walked away.
She shivered deep inside.
Why had that sounded so much like “end this”?
She cast a look around the isolated cabin, then glanced at her purse and checked the time. As far as being kidnapped went, she actually had luck on her side. She’d gone into town because she needed to get her prescription refilled—she had her medicine with her, thank God.
She could get Wade to drive her back home if she had to, just by explaining she needed the drugs. But she didn’t want him knowing about it yet. Or why.
In her gut though, she realized she was probably running out of time.
He was going to find out soon.
She needed to lay things out for him.
Just tell him, all of it.
Canned stew and biscuits were on the menu for that night. Nikki sat in her chair, quiet. Wade frowned as she continued to push the food around on her plate. She had eaten exactly four small bites. Three minutes passed and he watched as she took another four small bites. Three more minutes passed and she ate four more bites.
The last bite had been ten minutes ago and he watched as she pushed the food around on the plate with her fork.
She glanced up at him, caught him watching her. She attempted a smile, but it fell short of being successful as she said, “Dad bought a cabin up here a few years ago. I’ve never gone to it, but my brothers come out a lot in the winter to go ice fishing or hunting. And Dad practically lives there during the summer.”
Wade’s only answer was an unintelligible grunt. He continued to stare at her, scowling when she laid her fork down and closed her hands around her glass, staring into it as though the sweetened iced tea held the answers to all of life’s problems.
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No Longer Mine
Wade’s own appetite was somewhat diminished. Guilt was a living breathing thing. It had a taste, a feel, a smell to it all its own. It filled his belly until there was no room for food.
He insisted to himself once more that he had nothing to feel guilty about. He was simply settling the score. She was the one who had lied and betrayed.
She’s also the one who had to bury her baby
, his conscience whispered.
She lied to me, led me to believe one thing while something else was the truth. She betrayed me.
Didn’t you betray her first? What did you expect her to do? Join a convent?
Wade forced himself to take deep, slow, steadying breath. Now he was arguing with himself. A sure sign of impending mental breakdown. He forced his normally rigid self-discipline into place as he reminded himself he had a job to do.
Forcing the guilt aside, swallowing its bitter taste, he studied her skinny frame.
“You need to eat more,” he told her as he popped the last piece of biscuit in his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, drank some tea, staring at her the entire time.
A disinterested shrug was his only answer, so he repeated himself.
Her eyes met his and she calmly said, “I’m not hungry.” No. He didn’t imagine she was. After damn near starving herself, food probably wasn’t even an afterthought for her anymore. She looked so pale and tired. Her cheeks were hollow, large half-moons bruising the delicate skin under her eyes. The bones of wrists and elbows pushed sharply against soft flesh.
And he’d be damned if he would let her go to waste all because some fancy suit in New York wanted her looking like a scarecrow.
“You can either eat, or I’ll shove it down your throat,” he offered.
She merely arched an eloquent eyebrow at him. “You do that and I’ll just throw it back up. And assuming I don’t beat you bloody while you attempt it, you can rest assured I’ll do it when I’m done puking. I told you I’m not hungry.”
Bluntly, he informed her, “You look like hell. You’re pale, exhausted. Your cheekbones stick out so much it is a wonder they don’t cut right through your skin. You look like the poster child for world hunger.”
She smiled slightly and shrugged yet again. “I doubt I look all that bad. I eat a good meal on a regular basis.”
“Regular as in regularly once a week?” he bit out.
“Regularly as in three times a day. I just don’t eat as much as I should. I was just eating about once a day, but I got fussed at. So I eat three times a day, just like a normal person.”
Once a day?
Wade thought incredulously.
Once a day?
Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “How often do you ride?”
“Generally three or four times a week,” she said, shrugging.
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“How long?”
“Depends. Sometimes I’ll just do four or five miles, sometimes ten or twelve. Rarely, I’ll go longer.”
“So you spend a minimum of thirty minutes, on average, riding three or four times a week, sometimes longer, and you think eating once
a fucking day
is enough?”
“I said I
was
eating about once day. I eat three times a day usually. I had breakfast and I had lunch.” She glanced at the plate and said, “And that counts as dinner.” Wade snorted. “That barely counts as a snack. You ate twelve damn bites of food. That is
not
a meal.” Nikki just stared at him.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” he demanded, shoving his chair from the table. “You have no spare flesh on you. You’re nothing more than skin and bone. Hell, I can practically see right through you.” Her shoulders moved restlessly as her eyes roamed around the room. “I’m taking care of myself. I just don’t ever have an appetite anymore. I’m only a few pounds under my ideal body weight. I can’t help it that I’m not hungry anymore.”
A few pounds my ass
,
Wade thought. Though she wasn’t at all tall, her frame was hardly a delicate one. She had broad shoulders, broad hips. Sturdy muscle and strong bones made up her body. He’d bet his next paycheck she was at least twenty pounds under what she should be.
And it sickened him to think she might be doing this to herself to please some man. It made him furious to see that damn blank look on her face, as though she were staring through him. As though they hadn’t just had explosive sex in the front seat of his truck a few hours earlier.
Narrowing his eyes, he decided maybe she needed a reminder. Damn it to hell, she wouldn’t look through him. Not anymore. His eyes focused on her face, then her mouth as he said, “You always used to be…hungry.”
Her eyes darted to his, then skittered away as he rose. This cabin, Nikki realized, was damn small.
Climbing to her feet, she circled the table, eying the space around her.
The cabin consisted of one room that was for eating, cooking and sleeping. A large king-size bed took up a good portion of space. Only one bed. A lumpy looking sofa. The tiny little bathroom didn’t even have a lock on the door.
He closed in on her, lessening the space between them even as she tried desperately to widen it. His eyes ran over her, mentally removing every stitch of clothing from her hide as he offered, “Let’s see what I can do about whetting your appetite. Maybe all you need is some strenuous activity.”
“Wade, this isn’t exactly what I would call settling things,” she said, her voice placating even as her eyes darted about, looking for an escape route that didn’t exist. “I thought we were here to talk.”
“We’ve talked. We’ve settled nothing. Let’s try a different sort of communication,” he whispered as he walked her up against the wall. “You’ve run out of room, Nikki. No place left to go.” His eyes lit with unholy glee as he added, “No place left to hide.”
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His voice rasped like a callused hand over smooth silk. A shudder racked her from head to toe as his arms came up to rest beside her head, bracketing her between the wall and his body. She swallowed and hoped her voice would be steady. “I’m not hiding from you, Wade. If I wanted to hide, I wouldn’t have gotten into the truck with you.”
“Why did you?” he asked, lowering his head until they were nose to nose, mouth to mouth, his body heat reaching out to warm her from only inches away.
“I thought we were going to talk,” she said faintly, arching her head back, trying to maintain a little bit of distance.