No Matter What (104 page)

“Too many lines have been crossed, Michael.
 
Too many lies have been told ... I’ve got to get out of here.
 
I can’t do this now.”

She pushed past him, running out of the room and up the stairs to their bedroom.
 
She needed to get away; she had to get out of there, out of this house and away from him.
 
She needed time to get her head sorted, time to think about everything, and that couldn’t happen here.

She grabbed an overnight bag from the walk-in closet and started throwing things into it, not even hearing him follow her into the room.

“What are you doing?” he asked, even though it was blindingly obvious what was happening.

She looked up for a second before zipping the bag shut, pushing past him again as she went back out into the bedroom.

“I’m getting out of here, Michael.
 
I need to get away, I need to think.”

He grabbed her arm as she tried to leave, kicking the door shut.
 
“You’re not thinking straight,
India
...”

She looked at him.
 
“Too fucking right I’m not thinking straight!
 
I’ve just found out my husband’s been having me followed for Christ knows how long and that’s not something I can just forget about.”

“We need to work this out.
 
We need to talk about it.”

“No!
 
No, we don’t, Michael, because there’s nothing to talk
about
.
 
It’s gone too far and I can’t see a way back, can you?
 
How the hell do we even
start
to deal with this?”

She looked at him.
 
The man who’d once been her whole world and yet now – now she just didn’t know anymore.
 
There was a part of her that wanted to stay, a part of her that wanted to forget everything that had happened but she couldn’t.
 
The rational part of her knew she could never really do that, because it would never work.
 

“I love you so much, Michael.
 
I really do, and I want you to know that, but, the trust is gone.
 
It’s gone.”

She felt like her heart was breaking, so strong was the physical pain in her chest.

“We can get it back,” Michael said, desperation building up inside him because he could feel her slipping away from him.
 
“We can work this out, I know we can.”

She shook her head, not wanting to look at him because it was killing her, but not wanting to look away either because she’d meant it when she’d said she loved him.
 

“No.
 
We can’t.
 
I can’t trust you not to spy on me again, same as you’ll never trust me and Kenny.
 
We could lie to ourselves and pretend that won’t be the case but there’ve been enough lies, Michael.
 
It’s time to face the truth.”

“You’re going to him, aren’t you?
 
You’re going to Kenny?”

“Jesus, Michael!
 
Do you see what I mean?
 
You say we can make it work and then prove within seconds the whole reason why we can’t.
 
And no, I’m not going to Kenny.”

She was slipping through his fingers and he didn’t like it.
 
He didn’t like the feeling; he didn’t like situations he couldn’t control and he was rapidly losing control of this one.
 
She wasn’t going to just walk out of his life; he wasn’t going to let her.
 
He’d worked too hard for too many years to lose her now.

“You can’t go,
India
.
 
You can’t just leave like this.”

She picked up her bag and turned to open the door.
 
“Watch me.”

But, as she turned to go, grabbing the door handle, something inside him just snapped.
 
The years of knowing she’d never been 100% his, the years of having to share her with Kenny Ross, every ounce of frustration and pain and anger, it all came bubbling to the surface, all at once, like a dormant volcano that had been too silent too long as he grabbed her arm, swinging her round, pushing her hard against the wall and she dropped her bag, her reaction one of both shock and surprise.
 
He’d never once shown any signs of aggression towards her, not ever, but then, they’d never been in this situation before.
 
And he’d just lost it.

“You don’t get to walk out on me,
India
.
 
You don’t get to do that, I’m not letting you do that.”

“You’re not
letting
me?
 
What the hell is wrong with you?”
 
She tried to pull her arm from his grip but he had too tight a hold of her.
 
“You’re hurting me.
 
Let go of me, Michael!”
 
She tried to pull her arm away from him again but he tightened his grip even more, his fingers digging into her wrist as he pushed her back.
 
“Let go of me,” she said slowly.
 
This man in front of her wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with.
 
He wasn’t the man she’d married.
 
This was a stranger, and he was scaring her.
 
Those once beautiful blue eyes were now cold and angry, his face hard and alien to her and she’d never felt so frightened.

He pushed her again, slamming her head back against the wall, kissing her hard, kissing her with an intensity that frightened her.
 
A kiss she hated.
 
A kiss that had nothing to do with love.
 
Nothing.
 
And she just wanted to get away because something had happened in that room.
  
Everything had changed in an instant and she didn’t feel safe anymore.

“I’m not letting you walk out of my life,
India
.
 
No way.
 
You owe me.
 
You fucking owe me.”

“Please, Michael ...” She didn’t want to cry but the tears were threatening. Frightened, angry tears and she closed her eyes to try and shut out the nightmare that was happening to her.
 
She wanted her husband.
 
But he wasn’t there anymore.

“For all the times you lied to me …” His face was so close to hers as he almost spat the words out.
 
“… for all the times you let him touch you ... you owe me for all of that.”

“No, Michael ... please ...”
 
The tears were streaming down her face now as he roughly pulled down her jeans, forcing his hand between her legs and she tried to push him away, she tried to stop it from happening but he was just too strong.

“It’s payback time, honey.
 
Like I said.
 
You owe me.”

She couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to.
 
She felt sick as he touched her, her stomach turning over.
 
This wasn’t real.
 
This wasn’t happening, and she closed her eyes tight in the hope that when she opened them this would all have been some horrific dream, but she could still feel his breath on her face, still feel his fingers gripping her wrist.

“Please, Michael.
 
No!
 
Don’t do this.
 
I don’t want this; I don’t want you touching me like this, please, stop it!”

But he wasn’t listening to anything anymore.
 
She was crying and pleading with him to stop but it wasn’t even registering with him.
 
He was out of control, and it was too late.
 
The pain she felt as he pushed his way inside her was unbearable.
 
She didn’t want this, she didn’t want him to do this, she didn’t want him to touch her like this anymore.
 
She’d said no and she’d meant it, so he had no right to do this.
 
And it took every ounce of effort and will that she had inside her but, with an inner strength she’d had to dig up out of nowhere; she lashed out, finally freeing her arm from his grip, pushing him away with a force that surprised her almost as much as it did him.

And it was as if that push from her had knocked Michael back to reality.
 
He quickly pulled himself together and looked at her, her beautiful face a mask of pain and hurt and fear, and the sickening realisation of what he’d just done hit him like a freight train.

“
India
... baby ... I’m sorry.
 
I’m so sorry.”

She just stared at him.
 
She was numb.
 
All feeling had just been wiped away with that one terrifying, hateful act.
 
He might be her husband, but he had no right to touch her like that.
 
No right at all.

“You’re
sorry
?
 
You think sorry could ever possibly make what you just did
right
?”

“I don’t know what happened.
 
I don’t know why I did that, I just went crazy, I just … that will
never
happen again,
India
.
 
I promise you that, you have to believe me.”

He tried to move towards her but she shook her head, putting her hand up to stop him.
 
“Don’t come anywhere near me.
 
I don’t want you anywhere near me; I don’t even want to look at you.”

“I love you,
India
.”
 
His voice was desperate, pleading, but she’d had enough.

“No!
 
No, you don’t.
 
You don’t
love
me, you don’t do what you’ve just done to someone you love.”

“I need you, baby.
 
I need you in my life, just tell me what to do to make this better and I’ll do it.
 
I’ll do anything; just don’t walk away from me.
 
Please.
 
Don’t walk away from me, I love you …”

“You’ve just given up any right you ever had to love me, Michael.”
 
Her voice was slow and steady but inside she was falling apart.
 
“We may have been able to work things out, y’know, you were right.
 
Before … before this … it might just have been possible.
 
I don’t know how, it just might have been, but ... not now.
 
Not after that.
 
Not after what you’ve just done.
 
No, I can’t even talk to you.
 
I don’t even want to look at you, and I don’t want you in my life anymore.
 
Do you hear me?
 
It’s over.
 
You’ve just seen to that.”

Michael felt as though he’d been punched in the stomach as she said the words.
 
“You don’t mean that.
 
You just need some time ...”

“It’s over, Michael.”

She picked up her bag and made for the door but he grabbed her hand, only for her to pull it away again immediately.
 
“Don’t touch me!
 
Don’t you fucking dare. Every right you ever had to do that has gone.
 
It’s finished.”

Everything was falling apart around him as he watched every reason he’d ever had for living walk out of the door.
 
She was his whole world, everything he did revolved around her and now she was leaving him and the pain he felt was indescribable.
 
He’d never felt anything like it before.
 
He’d never felt so out of control, so scared of what lay ahead.
 
So alone.

“Where are you going?
 
India
?
 
Please, don’t leave like this.
 
Don’t leave this way, baby, please.”

She turned around and stared at him one last time, all that strength she’d dug up before slowly slipping away with each second that passed.

“My lawyer will be in touch.”

And then she was gone, the door slamming shut behind her and he just sank to the floor, his head in his hands.
 
Everything he’d ever loved had just walked away from him, but he knew he’d given her no other choice.
 
He’d lost her.
 
The fight was over.
 
He couldn’t win this one.
 
And there was nobody to blame but himself.

BOOK THREE

CHAPTER 51

2007

“Kenny, can you go and get Ethan?
 
Dad’ll be here soon to take him to Michael’s.”

Kenny didn’t move from the sofa and
India
threw a cushion at him.

“Kenny!
 
Come on!”

He pulled her down onto the sofa with him and she laughed as he started tickling her, until it all finally ended in an inevitable kiss.

“How do I always end up in these positions with you?” she smiled, sitting up astride him.