Normal (19 page)

30

              The smell of whisky filled the air as the car drove through the night.  The stale light from the dirty instrument panel gave off an insufficient glow.  The sound of rocks clanking against the car’s fender wells did little to obscure the fight that ensued in the front seat.  Carissa sat in the back strapped into her cocooned seat unable to say a word.  Even though she was scared from the yelling, she held back any tears and nestled her baby doll tight.  She could hardly see the trees streak past but the road before them was bright from the cars headlamps. 

              Carissa looked up from her mother’s arms.  She saw Jen crying, her face drained and hair a mess.  Jen seemed so much bigger than Carissa.  “I love you, baby girl,” Jen said reaching down to kiss her.

              “She is so beautiful,” Carissa heard Randy’s say through his tears. 

              “Carissa?” Jen said not looking at Carissa.

              “Yeah,” Randy said reaching for her.

              “Hold her head. No! Not there! Yeah, there,” Jen said as she went out of Carissa’s sight.

              “I…” Randy could not say another word.  Carissa watched the tears roll down is face.

              Carissa could see Randy’s shadowed fist against the headlight backdrop.  “Who, the fuck, is he?” Randy shouted. 

              “I..I,” Jen stuttered.

              “Who is he?” Carissa watched Randy shove her mother.

              “He is an old friend,” Jen said.  She sniffed back hard.  “I just saw him at the store.”

              “So, what?  You decided to fuck him over some frozen peas?  Maybe a soda?”

              Carissa stood on the porch.  The morning sun would soon give way to the hot summer day but, for now, it was just warm.  Not cool, not hot, just warm.  She was carrying a dirty red stuffed doll, Melmo, in one hand and a sippy cup of koolaid in the other when she saw a weird set of dots hanging from the rail.  She went inside and set her cup down, grabbed he potty stool, and carried it outside.  She stood on the stool and grabbed the dots.  Then her hand exploded into a firing rage.  Wasps flew from the nest swarming her.  They hit her face.  They hit her back.  They hit her hand.  They even attacked her doll. 

              Jen heard Carissa scream and ran outside.  “Carissa, what’s wrong ba…Randy!” Jen started swatting at the wasps, taking several stings. 

              Randy burst through the door. “What…argh!” He felt a stinger bury into his neck.  Jen kept flailing her arms as Randy came into grab Carissa.  They took off down the stairs, across the yard, and into the car.  Randy reached in his pocket to find he had no keys.  He got out of the car and ran inside, grabbed the keys, and made it back to the car, in what he thought was a miraculous moment, without being struck again.

              “Melmo, mommy, Melmo,” Carissa cried from the back seat. 

              “Melmo will be fine honey,” She told Carissa.  “Go!”

              When they arrived at the hospital, they ran from the car to the sliding glass doors.  When the doors opened they ran to triage desk.  “She’s been stung.  Hornets, I think,” Jen yelled to the triage nurse.

              “No, wasps,” Randy said.

              “Same thing,” the nurse replied.  “Is there any swelling?”

              “No, but there could be soon,” Jen said.

              “How long ago?”

              “Ten minutes or so,” Randy said.

              “She’s not allergic,” the nurse said, not a question.

              “How do you know?” Jen snapped.

              “Because she’s fucking breathing!” The nurse looked Jen in the eyes.  “Now, calm down.”  For some reason, this did calm Randy and Jen to the point where they could actually pay attention to Carissa and see she was fine. They still waited and saw the doctor just to be safe.  In that moment, when the doctor said she was fine, they realized that not every bump and scratch was going to kill her.

              “Why did you fuck him?” Randy voice rattled Carissa’s ears.  Jen could not hold back her tears, not anymore.  “No!” Randy screamed.  “You don’t get to cry!  You fucked him!  You don’t get to be angry.  You don’t get to be mad.  You don’t get to be sad! You dirty fucking cunt!”

              “He was fucking there!” Jen yelled back.  “All you do is drink. You’re never home.  He talked to me.  He listened to me.  He wanted to know how my day was and if I wanted to go to dinner and let me pick a fucking movie.  Fuck, he played with Carissa.  She called him daddy, for christ’s sake!  That’s more than you’ve done in more than a year!” Jen put her hand to her mouth and looked out the window.  She wiped a tear away then turned back to Randy.  She was not crying anymore.  “I’m leaving you, Randy.”

              “The hell you are!” Randy turned hard right then slammed on the brakes as he brought the wheel back to the left.  The sound of gravel and twisting metal filled the car as the right side wrapped around a tree trunk. 

              When Carissa opened her eyes, Randy was holding Jen.  She was limp and covered in blood.  Randy was crying, “I’m so sorry, Jen.  I’m so sorry.”

31

              Carissa lay naked and lifeless on top of David, their cheeks touching.  He kept his eyes closed to hold out the reality for as long as he could.  He felt her blood flowing warm down his face.  He held her until signs of life were gone whispering in her ear, “I love you, Carissa James.  I love you.  I love you. Oh, God, I love you. Carissa, I love you.”  Her body began to go cold.

              The ringing in his ears had subsided enough that he could hear breathing and footsteps. He was not alone.  He held his eyes tight.  He knew once he opened them that he would likely meet the same fate.  However, David did not want to live without Carissa. 

              David heard the footsteps behind him.  He opened his eyes.  Carissa’s blood cracked on David’s eyelids.  He rolled Carissa into his arms, cradling her.  Her head fell back, her eyes open and glassed.  He reached over with one hand and pulled them closed.  He leaned and kissed her on her blood soaked lips. 

“Why, mother?”  He said.  No answer.  “She was beautiful.  She wasn’t a whore.  She loved me.  She took me for who I am.  When no one else cared about me, she did.  You never loved me like that.  You always wanted me to be your little boy or something that you thought God told you he wanted.  That wasn’t God mother.  It was some crazy fucking idea you had.  Do you think God wanted you to fucking cut me, mother?  No, he wanted you to love me.  He wanted you to be my mother.  Kill me mother because I don’t want to be here.  Kill me.”  David pulled Carissa’s face back to his, “I love you, Carissa.  I love you.  Do it, mother!”  He heard the footsteps next him.  He turned, “Do it!”  He turned to the crack of a twig.  “Destiny,” he held Carissa tight as Destiny squeezed the trigger one last time.

Destiny wiped the gun before placing it in David’s hand.  She brushed back Carissa’s crusted hair and pulled her eyelids back open.  “Fuck you, bitch.”  Destiny walked back into the woods.

Epilogue

Randy sat waiting for some kind of word, anything, even just a call.  Carissa was seventeen and legally she could move out.  Randy had spent the last three days calling everyone he could think of.  He walked the streets, went to the mall, called hotels, and trolled truck stops in the area.  He had called Casey who had told him that she could really give a fuck where Carissa was but was sure see was fucking someone. 

Randy picked up the phone and hit redial, “Hello,” April was on the other end.

“You hear from her?” Randy said.

“No, sir. I’ll call you if I do.”

“I’m sorry I keep bothering you, April.  If you here from her could you tell her I am sorry and I love her?”

“Yes, sir.  I will.  I’ll tell Rob and Scott too.”

“Thanks,” He hung up before April could say anything else.  He buried his face in his hands. 

Randy had been sitting, watching the phone for several hours when there was a knock.  Randy eased off the couch and opened the door.  “Mr. James?” a man in suit asked.  There were four other police officers in uniforms and three cars parked in front of the house.

“Oh, no.” Randy knew what it meant. “No, no, no.” Randy yelled. 

“Mr. James,” the man in the suit said as Randy wrapped his arms around the stranger.  “Can we step inside?”

“Yes, yes of course,” Randy said wiping his eyes.

Randy sat down on the couch.  “What happened?” Randy said through muffled tears.

“Sir, there was a call into the station this morning.  Someone said they had seen two bodies in a clearing in the woods a few blocks away.  We are not sure if this is your daughter or not but we need you to look at a picture.”  One of the uniformed officer handed the man in the suit a phone. 

Randy looked at the screen, “Oh, no,” Randy closed his eyes.  He sniffed, made few quiet sounds, and turned from the police.  “That’s her.” 

“We believe the other body is David Shelton.  Do recognize him.”  Randy shook his head.  “We found a gun in his hand.  We haven’t finished our investigation yet but we believe it may be a double suicide.” 

Randy completely broke down, “No, no, no.”  Randy started shake.

“Do you mind if we look around?”

“Go head.”

“Now, which room is hers?  We’ll start there.”

“Only door on the right,” Randy said laying back onto the couch.

The officers were only gone for few minutes before they came back.  “Mr. James.”

“Yes,” Randy said.

“I’d like you to read this,” the suited officer said as the uniformed officers carried out boxes behind him.

Randy looked down at the paper.  It was Carissa’s hand writing,

Dear Daddy,

By the time you get this, I will be gone.  We’ve been on our own for a long time, you and me.  I love you in spite all you’ve done to me.  I trusted everything you ever said to me.  So, that night when you told that daddies and daughters do what we did, I was happy that you picked me instead of Lea.  But Daddy, did you not think I wouldn’t figure out one day we weren’t suppose to do that.

I was eleven years old, daddy. You were the greatest man in the world.  I thought you loved me more than Lea. I thought I was your favorite.  You took something from me that I can never get back.  You took my innocence. 

My father fucked me.  Does it sound wrong when you read it, daddy?  You took my childhood that night. I went to sleep with a smile on my face every time you did that to me until I was thirteen and learned about sexual deviants.  That’s what you are daddy, a sexual deviant.  Look at where you put me, daddy.  I am going to kill myself because I am no good. I’m tainted and you tainted me.

I met David a couple weeks ago.  Do you know how it feels to love someone that you’re not good enough for?  It hurts because I can’t give something special to him because you took it away.  I wish I knew what you were thinking, daddy.

I’m pregnant, Daddy.  It’s your baby.  My Father impregnated me.  I can’t live with being the girl who had her father’s child.  How can I bring a child into the world like that? How can you say you love me? You hurt me so much at night, but when you take my hand in the morning you are my daddy.  You had me thinking I was normal.

David.  Oh, Daddy.  You would have liked David.  But I hope you never meet him.  He went through so much for me. He loves me.  He hasn’t told me but I know.  He looks at me like I am the woman of his dreams. He didn’t judge.  He knows what you do. 

Tonight, you raped me.  I told you no.  No, Daddy. 

I will leave you with this to remember. The only things I remember about you, daddy, are what you did to me in the bedroom.  I don’t remember laughing with you. I don’t remember any father daughter things. You fucked me. That's what I remember.

I can’t live,

Carissa

              Randy looked up at the suited officer.  “You have the right to remain silent…”