Not Meant To Be Broken (13 page)

“Yes, you
are,
” Reagan half-growled. “What those three assholes did to you was against your will. You never
slept
with a guy. You were violated. That doesn’t count.” She blinked rapidly.

I drew in a deep breath through my nose, forcing the tears back. I wasn’t going to cry. I’d shed too many tears over what happened. “It doesn’t feel like it.”

“When,
if
you ever decide to sleep with Zach or someone else, you’ll see what I mean.”

“I don’t know if I can ever sleep with Zach.”

“One step at a time. Just remember to take control.”

“Okay,” I said. Take control, was that even something I could do? Three years ago control was ripped from my hands and since then I’d never managed to reclaim it. Maybe Reagan was right. Maybe I needed to finally get it back. And what better way to do it than with Zach? He wouldn’t hurt me.

The door swung open, and Zach entered. His eyes darted between Reagan and me, and familiar warmth settled in my stomach. “Everything okay?”

I smiled. “Yes.” I tried to look past him. “Where’s Brian?”

“In his room.”

“Is he okay with…us?”

“As okay as he can be.” Zach took a carton of orange juice from the fridge and took a big gulp.

“Pig,” Reagan said. “You could use a glass.”

Zach winked at me. “Amber doesn’t mind.”

Reagan stood. “I should get back to Kevin. He’s probably already sulking.” She gave me a meaningful look as she passed and disappeared. Zach put the orange juice back into the fridge. It was already almost eleven, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Reagan had said. I wanted to kiss, Zach.
Take control
.

I bit my lip.

“You have a strange look on your face,” Zach said with a grin, then became serious. “Are we okay? Did Reagan say anything about me? Anything bad?”

I laughed. “No.” I gathered my courage. “I want to kiss you.”

Zach’s eyebrows shot up. “You can kiss me whenever you want. You kissed me today.”

“I mean,” I said, my voice turning into a whisper. “I want a real kiss.” Could this get any more embarrassing?

Zach straightened, surprised. “Sure.”

“Can you sit down?” The words rushed out of me.

Confusion flickered on his face but he sank down on the chair Reagan had sat in without protest. I stood and slowly walked over to him. With him sitting, I had a couple of inches on him. He tilted his head up, not making any move to reach out for me. His hands rested on his thighs. He was trying to look as harmless as a man of his size and stature possibly could. Was Reagan right? Was he as nervous about this as me? Who knew what Brian had threatened him with? I stepped between his legs and put my hands down on his shoulders.
Take control.

I’d kissed two boys before the incident, but this felt new. I wasn’t that girl anymore. She’d been broken, crushed, obliterated. For a long time I’d mourned her, had cried over the fact that she was lost to me forever and with her my happiness, my life, my future. Maybe what had been broken couldn’t be mended, maybe I could never be the girl from the past, but I could become someone new.

Zach’s eyes searched my face. I’d thought I could never trust a man again. Take control, I reminded myself again. It was a mere kiss, a kiss I’d been dreaming about for days now. But what if the worst happened and I had a panic attack? Would Zach decide I wasn’t worth the trouble? “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Zach murmured. Something stirred in me at the worry in his tone. I wanted this. I wanted to feel Zach’s lips on mine.

I brought my face closer to his until our breath mingled. Zach’s blue eyes bored into me, soft and encouraging. Maybe my brother was right. Maybe Zach was a mistake, but he was a mistake I wanted to make. It would be
my choice
. I pressed my mouth against his, my eyes closing. Gathering my courage, I touched my tongue to his lips, hoping he’d understand it as permission and take lead. Zach lifted one arm and gently cupped my cheek, then he opened his mouth and his tongue slipped past my lips. He was hot and tasted so good, and every brush of his tongue against mine sent a small shiver of pleasure through my body. I could even feel it in my toes. My
choice
. His tongue became more demanding and heat pooled in my belly. I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling, but it was so good, so freeing. I never wanted this to stop, this feeling of being in control of my body, my wants. Zach’s other hand came up to touch my back. My legs felt weak as our mouths glided over each other. I raked my fingers through Zach’s hair, and if possible the sensations cursing through my body got even more intense. I pulled back to catch my breath, my eyes fluttering open and meeting Zach’s gaze. The corners of his lips turned up and I couldn’t help but smile back. “You okay?” he asked softly, lowering his hand from my cheek.

“Better than okay.” My skin was still burning but this time it wasn’t only from embarrassment. I wanted to kiss him again and again.

Zach

My blood was pounding in my veins. Amber’s lips were swollen and red from our kiss and I wanted to press my mouth against hers again, wanted to kiss her until she lost all sense of herself. But it was late and my cock was already getting hard in my pants. I shifted, dropping my hands in my lap to hide the bulge. Amber didn’t need to see it. We were making progress and I didn’t want to ruin it because I wasn’t able to control my dick.

I wanted to take Amber to my room, wanted to lower her to my bed and find out if every part of her body tasted as good as her mouth. Fuck, she would be my undoing. I rubbed a hand over my face. “I’m tired.”

Disappointment flickered across Amber’s face. “Oh, right. It’s late.” She stepped back from between my legs, suddenly looking self-conscious.

“I can’t wait to kiss you again and again,” I said, and she lit up. She leaned forward and brushed a quick kiss across my lips. I almost groaned and my fucking cock actually twitched. This was sweet torture. “Sleep tight,” she whispered before she snuck out of the kitchen.

I wouldn’t sleep for a long time. When I was sure that Amber was in her room, I got up. My pants were too fucking tight for my hard-on.

In my room, I sank down on my desk chair and pulled out my cock, dropping my head on the backrest. I gripped my dick and started rubbing.

Images of Amber filled my head as I came all over my hand. I cleaned myself up, pulled on boxer shorts and fell back on my bed with a groan. Jerking off alone in my room wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I’d hoped it would be, but I’d just have to get used to it for now until Amber was ready for more. I really hoped that would be the case soon but I knew I couldn’t pressure her.
I wouldn’t.

***

Screams tore through my sleep. I sat up, blinking into the darkness of my room. What was going on? I tried to shake off the remnants of my tiredness. Another scream sounded. I tensed. Amber. I threw off the blankets and leaped out of bed, then bolted out of my room and toward hers. Brian opened his door, his hair a mess. I stepped into Amber’s room, not caring if Brian disapproved. She was thrashing in her bed, the blankets tangled around her feet. She was only wearing a nightgown and her bare legs were slick with sweat. I tore my eyes away and walked up to the bed. She was crying, tears trailing over red cheeks. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I needed to free her from the horrors of her nightmare but I didn’t want to scare her. Brian was watching me from the doorway. I bet he hoped I’d turn on my heel and tell him I couldn’t deal with this. I bet he’d love to see me fail now when the relationship between Amber and me was still new and easy to break up. Amber whimpered, her arms flailing against an invisible assailant. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of what she’d been through. I wanted to kill the bastards that had hurt her, wanted to rip them to tiny shreds. I sank down on the edge of the bed and reached for her shoulder. The second my palm brushed her naked skin, she jolted awake, eyes wide and fearful. She lashed out with a cry, catching my face with her hand. My lip burned but I fought my instinct to grab her arm to protect myself. I wouldn’t restrain her. I’d been hit far worse in fight matches. Her eyes froze on my face. It took a moment for her to recognize me, then the panic and fight drained out of her. She sat up, breathing heavily. She scanned my face and her eyes grew wide. She touched a fingertip to my lower lip and looked at it. There was blood.

“Did I do that?” she asked in horror.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m sorry.” She covered her face with her palms.

“It’s okay. Everything is okay.” I was about to get up when she lowered her hands and looked at me pleadingly. “Can you stay? Just for a little while.”

I was shocked by her request. I would have thought that she didn’t want me near after a nightmare. “Of course,” I said. Brian gave me a warning look. Did he think I’d actually try something after what I’d witnessed just now? I wasn’t that much of an asshole. He slipped out and quietly closed the door. Amber had never even noticed he was there. She moved to the side so I had more room on the bed. I sat back against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of me. Amber put her head back on the pillow, then she linked her hand with mine and closed her eyes. “I feel safe with you,” she mumbled.

“You are. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” I stroked her head. “I’ll protect you.”

Slowly her breathing became even and her face relaxed. She was still clutching my hand and I was worried I’d wake her if I tried to go. Pumpkin glowered at me from his spot on the desk chair. I shifted until I was half lying, extinguished the lights and closed my eyes. Amber snuggled closer until her head was resting on my arm and her breath fluttered over my naked chest. Fuck. I should have thought of putting on a shirt before I came into the room. At least, I was on top of the covers. I moved the hand Amber was holding but she only tightened her grip. It felt good to have her at my side, even though I hated the reason for why I was here in the first place.

Amber

When I woke the next morning, I was alone in my bed, except for Pumpkin who was sleeping on his usual spot by my feet. I remembered how I’d been saved from my nightmares by Zach, how I’d asked him to stay with me and how good it had felt to fall asleep with my hand in his. I’d felt safe. I’d slept without nightmares after that. When had he left? I hadn’t even heard him move. The spot beside me was cold, so it must have happened a while ago. Why had he left? Maybe being torn from sleep by my pathetic cries had made him realize just how broken I was. What kind of guy would want a girlfriend that was haunted by nightmares from her past?

***

I walked into the kitchen, a bathrobe over my nightgown, to feed Pumpkin and to grab a bite for myself. Zach was sitting at the table.

“Don’t you have classes?” I asked, hovering near the door. Pumpkin tiptoed over to the spot where he was always fed.

Zach glanced up from his cereal bowl and smiled. “Not until later.” His lower lip was slightly swollen and there was a tiny cut that was already scabbing. Embarrassment washed over me as I realized that I had done this to him. No wonder he’d fled my room the moment I’d fallen asleep. Who’d want to be close to someone who acted like a lunatic? “Hey, are you okay?” Zach asked gently, getting up from his chair.

I nodded, then gazed up at Zach as he stopped in front of me, not touching my body. Was that because he’d changed his mind about me, about us, or because he still wasn’t sure if it would scare me? Everything was still new and tentative. “You weren’t there when I woke this morning.”

Surprise crossed Zach’s face. He reached for my hand and slowly pulled me closer. “You wanted me to stay with you? I didn’t want to startle you when you woke.”

He’d been worried about me. “I
asked
you to stay. It’s not like you snuck into my bed while I slept.” He grinned. I stood on my tiptoes and he leaned down, touching his lips to mine. He winced and pulled back a few inches, licking his lower lip.

“Does it still hurt?”

Zach shook his head. “It’s nothing, really. I’ve had far worse.”

I wanted to ask him if he could spend every night in my room. Last night with him at my side, I’d felt safe. I knew he couldn’t protect me from my nightmares, nobody could, but somehow his closeness had at least kept the horrors of my past at bay. But the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. I couldn’t ask him for something like that. It couldn’t have been comfortable for him sitting on top of the covers. Was I ready to really share a bed with somebody? I wasn’t so sure. Zach’s eyes darted toward the clock on the wall. “I should probably get my ass moving, or I’ll be late again.”

I took a step back. “Again?”

Zach shrugged. “So are you going to meet that girl Olivia again tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll drive you.” He gave me a quick kiss and rushed off toward his room.

Ten minutes later, I sat alone in the apartment. The silence pressed down on me. I had to find something to do during the day. If I wanted to start College next Spring I’d have to apply in the next few weeks. I wasn’t convinced I was ready for a room full of people yet, but applying couldn’t hurt. And in the meantime, I’d have to find a job. There had to be something I could do. I couldn’t hide in the apartment forever. If I really wanted to move on from the past and break free of its hold over me, I had to take control of every part of my life. Having a boyfriend was only a small part of it.

***

Olivia watched me over her cup of tea. “You seem happy.” Her cheeks looked even more hollow than last week, but according to our rules I wasn’t allowed to talk about weight or food and so I didn’t.

“I am happy. Being with Zach is something I never thought possible.”

She smiled but her eyes were distant. “I’m happy for you.”

“Are you okay?”

She set down her cup of tea. “Yeah, sorry. I just remembered how it felt to be in love. Well, at least I was in love. He on the other hand…” She trailed off.

I knew her old boyfriend was another no-go topic but she had kind of mentioned it. “Your ex-boyfriend. What happened?”

“He cheated on me,” she said slowly. “We’d been dating for a little over a year when I found out he’d been sleeping around.” She gave a helpless shrug. “Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he got sick of my problems. He never got why it was so hard for me to take control of my eating disorder. I guess he wanted a normal girl. Or maybe he couldn’t stand to look at my body anymore. Who knows?”

“Sorry, Olivia. You’ll find someone better.” Worry gnawed at me. Olivia’s boyfriend had cheated on her because of her issues. What if Zach did the same? I quickly banned the thought from my head. Zach had promised. We both wanted to give this relationship a chance. He wouldn’t do what Olivia’s boyfriend had done. But still…

“Now I ruined your evening,” Olivia said with a frown. “Are you worried about Zach?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Well, you mentioned that he’s been with many girls before you, and my story wasn’t really happy. Just because my boyfriend was an asshole doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust yours. From what you told me Zach seems to adore you, so other girls are probably very far from his mind.”

“Maybe, but Zach can’t even really touch me.”

“Most cheaters cheat even though their girlfriends sleep with them. Men always like to blame their infidelity on their frigid women but in truth, they are just horny assholes. A cheater cheats no matter what his girlfriend does.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “A pessimistic way of seeing things.”

“Yeah, I’m bitter. You shouldn’t listen to me. Let’s change the topic. There’s a reason why I banned my ex from our conversation. Nothing good every comes from being reminded of him.”

I nodded. “So, the latest episode of Game of Thrones. I can’t believe—” My ringing phone interrupted me. “Sorry,” I said as I pulled it out of my purse. It was Brian. I picked up. “Hi Brian, what’s up?”

“I’m going to pick you up from therapy.”

“It’s not therapy.” Olivia raised her eyebrows. ‘My brother’ I mouthed back at her. She rolled her eyes and I grinned, then Brian’s words registered. “Zach was supposed to pick me up.”

“Yeah, I know. He called me. His dad is in town and wants to meet him, so he asked me to jump in.”

“Oh, sure. See you then.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Brian hung up.

“Let’s go. We need to be there before my brother arrives. He’ll freak out if I’m not waiting for him. He constantly worries.”

We packed our things and strolled back to the hospital building. Brian’s car, an old Corolla, pulled up a couple of minutes later. He got out and jogged toward us, his eyes darting between Olivia and me. It was the first time he met her. Zach had picked me up the last two times. I introduced them. Olivia brushed a strand behind her ear and smiled shyly at my brother. Oh no. I needed to tell her next time I saw her that Brian had a girlfriend. “How was your talk session?” Brian asked, looking at Olivia.

I rolled my eyes. I knew he wasn’t happy that I wasn’t in an actual support group, but for now this was better for my goal of pretending to be normal.

“That’s my lift,” Olivia said with a nod toward her mother’s car. “Nice to meet you.” She gave Brian another smile, then gave me a meaningful look before heading toward her mother.

“She seems nice,” Brian said, the moment Olivia was out of earshot. “Does her mother know that she’s not in therapy and that she’s spending her time drinking coffee with you instead?”

“I don’t think so. It’s Olivia’s business. She and I are old enough to make our own decisions,” I said. “It helps me to talk with her.”

“I don’t get it. She didn’t even experience the same thing as you did.”

“Few people have,” I muttered.

Brian grimaced. “I mean, she’s not a victim of abuse. She has an eating disorder; that’s something entirely different.”

“I know. But I feel comfortable with her because she struggles with other demons,” I said as I sat down in the passenger seat. “I hope Zach’s father doesn’t give him trouble.” And I hoped Brian would get the hint and stop talking about my meetings with Olivia. I’d join a real support group when I felt ready for it.

Brian grimaced. “He usually does. Zach really hates him. Have you talked to him about his parents yet?”

“Once, but he didn’t say much.”

“He doesn’t like to talk about them.”

“Maybe I’ll try to talk to him when he gets back from meeting his father.”

“I doubt he’ll be sober enough for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Usually, after a conversation with his father, Zach goes out, gets drunk and picks up a random girl--” Brian snapped his mouth shut. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

I wrung my hands as I tried to keep my face neutral. “It’s okay. I can deal with Zach’s past.”

“He probably won’t go out tonight. He’s got you now after all, so don’t worry.” Brian sounded doubtful and that didn’t help. Was he doing it on purpose, trying to bring a wedge between Zach and me?

We didn’t speak for the rest of the drive and when we arrived at our apartment, I disappeared into my room. Zach wasn’t home yet.

I kept glancing at the clock the rest of the evening, while searching the internet for possible jobs I could apply for. Brian called for me once, asking if I wanted to order pizza, but I had eaten a slice of carrot cake earlier and was too anxious to be hungry anyway.

Close to midnight, when I was already dressed in my nightgown, the front door banged shut and I heard Zach’s cursing. I put on my bathrobe and peered out of my room. Heavy steps sounded in the living room. I held my breath and listened for the sound of a second pair of shoes, but I could hear only Zach. Immediately I berated myself for thinking Zach would bring someone home. Brittany had happened before Zach and I had started dating. I shouldn’t have let Brian’s comment get to me.

Zach appeared in the corridor, a tall shape in the darkness. His movements were unsteady and he bumped into the wall. I flicked the switch and the lights came on. Zach shielded his eyes with his hand. “Fuck. That’s too bright.” His words were slightly slurred. He staggered in my direction and a hint of unease settled in my gut. One of the men who’d broken me had been drunk. I still remembered the smell of alcohol on his breath and streaming from his pores. Shuddering, I shoved the memory out of my head. Zach stopped in front of me, his hand still hiding his eyes from me. I considered turning on my heel and locking myself in my room, but I wasn’t afraid of Zach, drunk or sober. “You are drunk.”

Zach dropped his hand and his gaze focused on me. He stumbled a step forward and I stiffened, but didn’t back away. His eyes grew wide and he shook himself. “Fuck. Sorry, Amber. You shouldn’t have to see me like this, fucking wasted. I’m probably scaring the shit out of you.”

He walked backward and almost lost his balance. “You don’t scare me,” I said firmly.

Brian’s lights came on and spilled out from under his closed door. He’d start another fight with Zach if he found him like this. Not that Zach didn’t deserve it, but I really didn’t want to have another discussion with my brother about my relationship with Zach. I took Zach’s arm and quickly ushered him into his room, then closed the door. “Amber?” Brian called.

“I’m fine. I’m with Zach. Go back to bed.”

“Zach’s home?”

Brian’s door groaned. That meant he was opening it further. Since Zach had pushed Brian into it, the door couldn’t be moved without making a sound. “Is he drunk?”

“No, he’s fine. Go back to sleep. I just need to talk to Zach.”

Eventually I heard the click of Brian’s door and turned around. Zach had passed out. He lay sprawled out on his bed, his limbs spread wide, legs dangling over the edge. We definitely wouldn’t talk tonight. I crept closer. He was still fully dressed. I bent over his feet and slid off his shoes, then straightened and considered my options. I could leave him as he was. It would serve him right. I knelt on the bed beside Zach’s upper body and tried to free him from his jacket. It couldn’t be comfortable for him to wear it during the night, but he was heavy to move. When I’d finally pulled one arm out of a jacket sleeve, Zach mumbled something in his sleep. I leaned closer but couldn’t hear what it was. He shifted suddenly and wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him, then he rested his head in my lap. I swallowed a gasp, my body frozen in shock. My heart pounded in my chest as panic tried to take hold of me. This was only Zach and he was doing nothing, just sleeping. He didn’t even know what he was doing. There was no danger. Slowly I relaxed. Zach was fast asleep, his head warm in my lap. What now? I tried to wriggle away but his grip on my waist kept me in place. I drew in a deep breath. I was in control of the situation, I reminded myself. I could wake Zach; he’d immediately release me and probably be embarrassed. Everything was okay. I lowered my back onto the mattress. Zach let out a sleepy sigh. I stroked his head and watched his relaxed expression. Apparently my lap was very comfortable. The lights were still on, my position was uncomfortable and Zach smelled like an ashtray, but I closed my eyes and tried to relax. Tomorrow I’d have to ask Zach what had happened. He’d been in a club or at a bar, that much was certain. But what else had he done?