Not Meant To Be Broken (8 page)

“So you think you know her, know what she went through? You don't know anything. Do you understand how broken she is?” I shook my head slowly and swallowed a large lump in my throat. Brian didn’t even notice my reaction. “Three guys gang-raped her. They beat her and raped her, and then they left her for dead in the bushes. When a jogger found Amber she was more dead than alive, and when Dad and I first saw her she was in a coma. And when she finally woke, she wasn’t my sister anymore. She was someone else, someone broken and desperate and terrified.
You
don't know anything, Zach. You didn’t see her in the hospital three years ago. You didn’t have to witness how she tried to starve herself, how she took all those pills to kill herself, how she slit her wrists. You don't know a fucking thing!” Brian shouted, his voice breaking.

I was so shocked by what he’d said I could barely stand on my legs. “Brian...I...”

Brian stared up at the sky. “Amber might not be happy but at least she isn’t on the edge of another suicide attempt. Leave her alone.”

I didn’t know what to say. Brian lowered his head and looked at me almost pleadingly. “Listen, Zach. I know you're a good guy, but you’re not good for Amber. Your other girls move on after you’re done with them, but Amber would fall apart. I won’t allow it.”

“I would never hurt her, Brian,” I promised without hesitation.

“You can’t help it. You’ve never been in a serious relationship. Just leave Amber alone. I saw the way she was looking at you. I should have known. Girls are drawn to you like magnets.”

How was Amber looking at me?

He took a deep breath and he looked as if every bit of his strength was gone. “Don’t make her hope for something that can’t ever be.” His expression turned fierce again and he fixed me with narrowed eyes. “Because if you hurt her, I swear I will be your worst nightmare and you'll wish you were never born. Stay away from Amber.” Brian turned around and went back inside. I knew this wasn't an empty threat. Brian looked dead serious.

But I also knew I couldn’t stay away from Amber. I’d made Amber smile. She’d allowed me to touch her. I was a good friend. The problem was I was fairly sure I didn’t only want to be friends with her. And Brian was right. I wasn’t boyfriend material.

Amber

The next morning, I still couldn’t believe that I’d actually let Zach touch my cheek. I’d actually wanted him to touch me. I hadn't been scared. The look in his eyes had been so gentle that I'd just known he wouldn't hurt me. Zach always made me feel like a normal girl. He made me believe that there was the chance of a normal life for me. And when I looked at him, I just...I didn’t even know what I was feeling. It was something I'd never felt before and it confused and scared me. For so many years, I’d felt numb, had thought I was empty and lost, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore.

I needed to talk to someone about my feelings. Slowly I rose from my bed and walked out of my room. Pumpkin followed me and jumped onto the sofa in the living room, curling up into a tight ball and watching me with his amber eye. I was alone in the apartment. Zach and Brian had classes, and they wouldn't be home for a few more hours. I picked up my mobile and sent Reagan a text.

Need to talk. Can we meet for coffee?

Her reply was almost instant:
Sure! I’m over at Kevin’s.

She spent more time there than in her own apartment. Jason and Bill didn’t seem to mind but I couldn't imagine anyone not liking Reagan's company.

***

I knocked at the apartment door. It made me nervous to think that Jason or Bill might open the door. They'd avoided me ever since my break down and I was thankful for it.

Reagan opened the door. “Come in.”

She led me into the kitchen. It was an assembly of random furniture pieces. Not everyone could afford a designer kitchen like Zach. “Sorry for bothering you. Kevin and you probably wanted to spend some time together.”

“Nonsense. I always have time for girl talk,” she said with a smile. We took seats at the kitchen table, and Reagan scanned my face. “So what’s up?”

I bit my lip anxiously, thinking of a way to say what was bothering me. “I wanted to talk about Zach.” I took a deep breath and told her how I'd let Zach touch my cheek the day before, which sounded almost ridiculous when voiced out loud, but it was a huge step for me. I paused, trying to find words for the feelings surging through me.

Reagan could barely contain her curiosity but she remained silent, waiting for me to continue.

“I feel normal around him. It's strange because I’ve known him for only a short time. But I just feel comfortable when he's around.” Reagan looked like she was going to burst from excitement any moment. “But with Brian...” I let out a small sigh. “With Brian everything is so tense and awkward. I'm always careful how to act around him because I know he's monitoring me. I wish our relationship would return to how it was before the incident.”

Reagan gave me an understanding smile. She took my hand and squeezed. With her, physical closeness seemed so casual, so normal. “I'm sure it will get better between Brian and you.”

I shook my head. “I barely see him anymore, though we live in an apartment together. He's always somewhere else. I don't even know what he's doing when he's gone all night and sometimes I think he's avoiding me. Maybe he can't bear to be in an apartment with me at night because of my nightmares. Sometimes I talk...or scream when I sleep.” I trailed off, feeling a lump rising in my throat.

Reagan tightened her grip on my hand when she spoke. “No, Amber. Brian is an idiot for not telling you. This entire secrecy thing didn’t accomplish anything.”

I frowned at her, not sure what she is talking about.

She let out a sigh. “Brian is gone so often because he's spending time with his girlfriend.”

My eyes widened. “Brian's got a girlfriend?”

Reagan nodded. “Yes, Lauren. They've been having an on and off relationship for a few months and she's a bit of a...tight-ass. She wants to control every aspect of his life. She calls him all the time and wants to spend every second with him.”

I was shocked and hurt. “Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Apparently, he thinks that it would bother you,” Reagan said with a shrug.

“He should have told me,” I murmured. Why couldn't he act normal around me? Why did he have to make me feel like a freak?

I stared out of the large window. “Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all. It's like we've become strangers.”

“Don’t you think it’s a good sign that you let Zach touch you? It’s only a matter of time before you can hug your brother. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Change takes time.”

“You’re probably right.”

“So you like Zach?”

I didn’t really know the answer to her question. Of course I liked Zach. But how much did I like him? I'd wanted to talk to her so she could tell me. “I really don't know, Reagan. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a normal girl, like I belong here. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel like I could manage to get happy. Everything seems so easy. Sometimes I manage to forget. He makes me forget.” I closed my eyes, trying to block the memories that always came back to haunt me. Reagan squeezed my hand, chasing away the painful images that threatened to overwhelm me. I opened my eyes and looked into her kind face.

“Have you told him?” she asked.

My eyes widened and I shook my head hastily. “No, of course not. How could I tell him? I mean. I don't really know what I feel and he won't return my feelings – whatever they are.”

Reagan frowned and opened her mouth to object but I continued.

“Zach can have every girl he wants. Why would he take someone like me, someone who's broken?”

Reagan interrupted me instantly. “You aren't broken, Amber.”

“But I feel like it, Reagan. I feel like those men have soiled me, like their filthy hands have tarnished me in some irrevocable way. I feel dirty and tainted, and how could Zach want something like that? How could he ever want someone like me?” I gestured at myself, barely able to keep the tears at bay.

Reagan sat perfectly still, only her head was shaking back and forth slowly, tears welling up in her eyes. “You aren't dirty, Amber.”

The sob that I'd been holding back slipped out. “But I feel so dirty, Reagan, so dirty and it just won't go away no matter what I do.” I buried my face in my palms. I heard Reagan move and then her arms wrapped around me and she pulled me against her body. “Oh Amber, don't...don't think of yourself like that. You aren't dirty or broken or tainted or any of those other nasty words. You're kind and caring and beautiful. You just have to allow yourself to see how wonderful you are.”

I let her closeness and words comfort me, though I couldn't believe what she'd said. I wanted to believe her but it seemed impossible. Feeling dirty had become a part of my life. “I'm sorry for crying all over you again,” I apologized as I pulled back and wiped the tears from my face.

Reagan shook her head vehemently. “Everyone needs a good cry now and then.” She paused, resolution filling her eyes. “And now we need to find a solution for you and Zach.”

“Reagan...” I said.

She tilted her head. “You said that you wanted to be close to someone, that you wanted something like Kevin and I have. Maybe Zach can give you that. Maybe it's meant to be. I've got a good feeling about the two of you.”

I bit my lip, gazing at her anxiously. “Reagan, how could I ever be so close to someone? I don't even let people hug me or touch me. Guys want to be able to touch their girlfriends.”

It felt surreal to even speak about the possibility of me ever becoming Zach's girlfriend, or becoming anyone’s girlfriend. Love and falling in love had always seemed out of my reach but during my talk with Reagan I'd realized that it had happened to me. I was on the fast track of falling in love with Zach.

“Amber first of all, you haven't said the truth.”

I frowned.

“You hug people. Me for example.”

“Reagan, you're not a man.”

“There isn’t that much of a difference.”

“There is for me,” I whispered.

“If you can hug me, you can hug others, too,” she said in a firm tone. I didn’t object because somehow her words seemed logical and they gave me hope.

“And,” she continued with a small, knowing smile. “You let men touch you. Zach, for example. Or have you forgotten how he touched your cheek yesterday?”

How could I forget? The memory seemed burnt into my head. The look on my face must have pleased Reagan immensely because she smiled.

 “But I can't expect Zach to be satisfied with touching my cheek for all eternity. He's going to want more and I don't think I can give him that.” The smile slipped from my face as the hard truth of my words set in.

Reagan shook her head. “Before you came here you thought you'd never let someone hug you or a man touch you, and see what you've already accomplished in such a short time. It will take time, Amber, but you will be able to allow more closeness. You just need to take one little step after the other.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe I could do it. “I don't even know if Zach likes me. He could just be nice to me because Brian is his best friend.”

“He likes you, Amber. I'm sure of it and Kevin agrees,” Reagan said.

“You talked with Kevin about me and Zach?” I asked a little embarrassed.

 “No, Kevin mentioned that he noticed how Zach looked at you and how he talked about you. It's really obvious that he likes you very much.”

“But why hasn’t Zach said anything to me?”

Reagan let out a small laugh. “He's probably worried about your reaction and that you don't feel the same way.”

I worried my lower lip, lost in my thoughts. The situation was probably as difficult for Zach as it was for me. If he had feelings for me – and that was a big if in my mind – he had to be worried that I'd freak out if he told me. I certainly wouldn't tell him about my feelings until I was sure he actually returned them.

Reagan smacked the tabletop. “I have a wonderful idea. Let’s go out together. You, Zach, Kevin and I.”

“Don’t you think Zach will think it’s a double date?”

“So what? Don’t you want to know if he’s interested in you?”

I didn’t say anything. What if the answer was no, he wasn’t interested in me?

Reagan must have guessed my thoughts. “He does like you, Amber. Trust me.”

Zachary

Brian and I headed toward the parking lot of BU.

“Someone's waiting for you,” Brian said snidely.

I followed his gaze and groaned. Brittany was leaning against her red Mercedes and was waiting for me with a seductive smile on her face. Since our encounter in the club, we hadn't spoken. I'd assumed that she was still angry at me because I hadn't taken her home with me after our fuck but apparently she'd forgiven me by now.

“Could you wait for me?” I asked Brian when he turned to walk toward his car. He raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure? Brittany seems to plan on taking you somewhere.”

“I'm sure, Brian.”

He nodded. I went to talk to Brittany. She straightened and smirked. The skinny jeans, tight top and leather jacket was nothing in comparison to what she wore at parties but as usual she drew quite a bit of attention toward her. Many of the boys in the parking lot looked like they were sporting a hard-on simply from looking at her body. I stopped in front of her and she threw her arms around my neck before she pressed a kiss on my lips. I grabbed her arms and pried them off, taking a step back. She narrowed her eyes at me. “What are you doing?” she demanded, her red-painted lips pulled in a tight line.

“Whatever there is between us is over, Brittany,” I told her. As long as I wasn’t sure about my feelings for Amber, I couldn't keep seeing Brittany. I needed to sort out the mess that was my emotions. I could practically see my father rolling his eyes at me. Emotions weren’t something he approved of.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means that we won't see each other anymore,” I said calmly.

Brittany looked as if she wanted nothing more than to slap my face. Maybe I deserved it, but we’d never been exclusive. It wasn’t as if this was a break up. She lifted her chin, glowering at me. “We'll see about that, Zach,” she said icily. She got into her car and drove off. She’d probably tell her father who would then call my father who would then call me.

“She looked angry,” Brian commented as I walked up to him.

“I told her that it’s over between us. She didn’t take it too well,” I said flatly.

“I'm glad you got rid off her. She's such a bitch.”

I chuckled. “Says the man who's dating Lauren.”

“Lauren isn’t like Brittany,” he objected.

I rolled my eyes. Lauren was a bitch. Everyone knew that. This was proven once more when Brian dropped me in front of the apartment building and drove off because Lauren needed to see him. They were supposed to study together. The girl was a control freak.

***

I was surprised when I entered the apartment to find Reagan and Amber sitting on the sofa.

“Hi girls,” I greeted them and walked past them toward my room to drop my bag before I returned into the living room. I could tell that they’d been discussing me, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d messed up in some way, or if it was general girl talk.