Notes on a Cowardly Lion (64 page)

Appendix 7

“Hostility”

By Arnold B. Horwitt and Aaron Ruben
.

Directed by Aaron Ruben. From The Girls Against the Boys (1959)

This sketch stressed Lahr's gestures, not his words, his ability to exist in a state of frenzied hilarity without having to deliver jokes about it. Lahr enjoyed the scene because he played against Nancy Walker and because silent family rage was something he knew from his childhood and his own adult temper tantrums. Because the scene relies so completely on movement and reaction within small areas of intensity, it fitted the scope of television and became a popular routine.

Lahr enters. He wears a construction worker's helmet and outfit. Also heavy work shoes. Carries metal lunch pail. Lahr comes in obviously angry. Slams the door behind him. Nancy ignores him. He opens and slams door again; she still ignores him. He glares at her from door area. She doesn't look up. Then he glares at lunch pail. He crosses to kitchen table, puts lunch pail on it. He angrily opens it and holds up a large sandwich, which has one bite out of it. He glares at sandwich and at her. Then strides to garbage container and vehemently slams sandwich in. No reaction from Nancy. He clangs the lid of the garbage can several times. Looks again to see if he has gotten a rise out of her. Nancy still intent on nails. Peeved, he takes off blue work shirt. He goes to hook on door on which her blouse hangs. Drops blouse on floor and hangs his shirt and helmet on hook.

Lahr crosses to sink to wash. Clangs lid of garbage pail again. Starts to turn on water, notices dishes in sink. Lifts out moderate pile, throws her a look. Reaches in and removes second, king-sized, pile of dishes. He turns on water, reaches for soap. No soap. Noisily bangs open and shut cabinet drawers looking for soap. Nancy resignedly rises and hobbles over on her heels to a cabinet he's overlooked, takes enormous box of Vel out. Lahr holds out his hand and she pours soap powder in it, then puts box back in cabinet. Quick turn back to each other.

Lahr washes energetically, making blubbery seal sounds. She grimaces in silent anguish. She sees her blouse on the floor. She crosses to the door, picks up her blouse, takes his shirt off hook and puts her blouse back on it. Lahr has finished washing and is blindly looking for a towel. She crosses to him and thrusts his shirt at him. Thinking it's a towel, he dries his face on it. He looks at it, realizes what she's done, is furious, and throws it on the floor. She ignores all this.

He now goes to cabinet, takes out bottle of rye and large brandy snifter. Fills it to top and drinks noisily. During this Nancy tenses herself to survive the nightly
ritual. After downing booze, he exhales voluptuously in her direction. She fans herself as fumes envelope her. He puts the bottle back in cabinet.

Lahr now goes to table. Nancy intent on her toes. Lahr turns in his chair and makes noisy chomping sounds. She continues pedicure. Finally, he takes knife and hammers noisily on plate. She ignores this as she carefully fans toes with newspaper. Lahr abandons hammering, comes over, watches with rising but suppressed fury. Finally attempts to stomp on her foot, which she quickly withdraws. She slips into her mules and rises as they glower at each other. Still glowering, they do a turn around each other. Then she trudges over to stove to start dinner. He registers satisfaction at his victory, sits on sofa, and starts to read newspaper.

Nancy begins preparing dinner with vehement movements that reflect her fury. She sets timer, lights oven, and lights burner under tea kettle. Lahr starts to laugh at something in newspaper. She looks at him; he sees her and stops. She looks at Lahr, then at garbage can. Goes to garbage can and gets sandwich out. She crosses to table, gets knife, and cuts off piece of sandwich with bite out of it, wraps rest of sandwich in wax paper and puts it back in lunch pail. Takes lunch pail up to icebox, looking at Lahr all the while, and puts it in icebox. She takes a vegetable from icebox, goes to sink and turns on faucet to rinse it. Tap is turned so it makes annoying coughing sound. She crosses back to icebox and opens it, looks for something, oblivious to faucet racket, which is beginning to annoy Lahr. He looks up from paper wondering when the hell she is going to turn it off. Seeing she has no intention of stopping it, he leaps up, tears over to the sink, and with an angry gesture, turns it off. He starts back to sofa, but a look comes over his face as he realizes Nancy is bending over. He goes to kick her just as she straightens up. They glare at each other. She realizes his hand is resting on icebox, so she deliberately shuts door on it. He gives her a withering look as he returns to sofa and newspaper. Nancy has gone to table. She gets a serving spoon from drawer and goes up to stove. No sooner does Lahr get comfortable again when the whistling kettle starts. He starts reacting to this and again Nancy goes about her duties ignoring the whistle.

He rises in fury, rushes to stove, and turns off burner under kettle. As he turns away to go back to sofa, she turns burner back on so that kettle gives one final whistle.

Nancy goes to stove and opens oven door. Cloud of black smoke pours forth. She takes out casserole and puts it on table. Goes to sink and gets sugar and cream. Lahr sniffs, stalks over to table to inspect this mess. She stirs it. Just as he's about to sit down she slops some food on his plate. Then delicately spoons some on her own plate. As Lahr sits at the table, still sniffing in disbelief, she takes the casserole back to the stove, and gets two bottles of beer from the icebox. She brings them to the table.

Lahr holds his nose and tries to eat, then covers his eyes and tries to eat, then gives up and starts to take a bite as Nancy comes to his side and pulls out enormous drawer to get bottle opener. She closes drawer, leaving him two feet from table. She opens the beer. He pushes his chair back to table.

Lahr takes a forkful of food, reacts in dismay and disbelief, and takes a huge gulp of beer to wash it down. He shakes lots of salt into it, then lots of pepper, then lots of both together. Tastes again, then matter-of-factly picks up plate, opens
door to hall, whistles for dog. He holds plate down, pantomimes urging dog to eat, is rejected, and trudges back to table resignedly, where Nancy is eating away.

Lahr sits down and reaches for bread basket, discovers it is empty. Turns it upside down (for her benefit). Raps it on table. She suddenly gets up. Fetches long, large loaf of rye bread. Takes it to table just as he is about to eat again, pulls open drawer, forcing him back. She gets bread knife out of drawer, puts knife and bread on table, goes back to her chair and resumes eating, while Lahr is all this time struggling to close drawer. Finally, in a rage, he slams drawer in so hard it goes out the other end and pokes Nancy in stomach.

Lahr returns to table, and Nancy goes to stove and gets coffee pot, gets cups. Lahr pushes his plate aside, leans back and starts tooth-sucking noise. On first hearing, Nancy freezes. She brings coffee pot to table as he orchestrates tooth-sucking. She is standing behind him, visibly restraining herself from pouring it on him. She places his coffee cup in front of him. He does one last tooth-sucking at her. She pours him coffee, then herself, leaves coffee pot on table and sits down. Lahr puts sugar in his coffee. Then he pours cream, stirs. Then rises, goes to sink, and pours out coffee. As Nancy sips her coffee, Lahr crosses to sofa, doing several last tooth-suckings at her behind her back. He sits, starts taking off shoes, accompanied by loud groans. He drops the first shoe with loud thud. Then he takes off second shoe and quietly places it on floor. Nancy has been waiting for the second shoe noise, looks over, sees shoe on floor, does “take” with coffee cup. Lahr yawns prodigiously, scratches self, groans, coughs, stretches out on sofa and snores. Nancy has finished her coffee and commences clearing the table. She slams down chair near him, piles dishes together, and rattles them loudly as she takes them to sink. She pushes table aside, bumps it up and down a few times, pushes other chair aside, rattles table again, and starts for bed. She stops, comes back and bangs table a few more times. She goes to the alcove in the back wall and lets down Murphy bed with a loud thump. This jars Lahr sufficiently awake to noisily stumble across to bed in half sleep. He lets trousers drop and steps out of them as he crosses. He flops in bed and is fast asleep.

Nancy has taken off housecoat and is now in a slip. She turns out the lights and gets in bed beside him. They both lie still, the only sound that of Lahr snoring. Finally, after a pause she speaks:

(Blackout)

Image Gallery

In
The Best Show in Town
(1917)

At age six

Jacon Lahriem

Augusta Lahriem

The Nine Crazy Kids
(c. 1913). Lahr second from left