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Authors: John Lahr

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Appendix 4

“Chin Up”

From Life Begins at 8:40 (1934)

by David Freedman

This sketch, by one of the most successful comedy writers of the period, represents the more sophisticated comedy Bert Lahr was attempting in the mid-thirties. In it, controlled tone, limited gesture, and sparse language were Lahr's comic resources. The opportunity to burlesque upper-class attitudes delighted Lahr; he was to have similar opportunities later in
Du Barry Was a Lady
and
The Beauty Part
.

A drawing room. Well furnished. Richard enters, looking dour.

Pater:
         
Not well.
Richard:
What is it?
Pater:
Gambling debt.
Richard:
Gambling debt?
Pater:
Can't pay it, broke.
Richard:
Borrow?
Pater:
Can't borrow, no credit.
Richard:
One thing to do.
Pater:
Right. Honor of family.
Richard:
Other way out?
Pater:
Not sporting.
Richard:
Right, stout fellow.
Pater:
Got a bit here?
Richard:
Poison?
Pater:
Right.
(Butler enters with glass on tray.)
Richard:
Here you are.
Pater:
Thanks.
(Butler exits; Pater raises glass.)
Give you the Duchess.
Richard:
How jolly.
(Pater drinks.)
Richard:
Does it hurt?
Pater:
Rawther.
Richard:
Well, chin up.
Pater:
Chin up.
Richard:
Stiff upper lip.
Richard:
Honor of family.
Pater:
(Prone) Honor of family. Cheerio, my boy. (Head drops.)
Richard:
Cheerio, Pater. (Glances at watch.)
Must dress.
(Starts to go, but there is a knock on door.)
Come.
(Agatha enters.)
Hello, Agatha.
Agatha:
Hello, Dick.
Richard:
Chin up, Agatha … (indicates)… the pater.
Agatha:
(Looks at body.) Passed out?
Richard:
Passed
away
. Gambling debt.
Agatha:
Too bad.
Richard:
Right.
Agatha:
Dick.
Richard:
Yes, Agatha.
Agatha:
Our wedding anniversary.
Richard:
Right.
Agatha:
Something to tell you.
Richard:
Right.
Agatha:
Other man.
Richard:
(Walks over to her.) You?
Agatha:
Right.
Richard:
Not faithful?
Agatha:
Not faithful.
Richard:
Rotten business.
Agatha:
Putrid.
Richard:
One thing to do.
Agatha:
Poison?
(Butler enters.)
Richard:
Right.
Agatha:
Got any?
(Butler at her elbow, poison on tray.)
Richard:
Here you are.
Agatha:
Thanks. (Takes glass. Butler exits. She raises glass.) To the Duchess. (Drinks.)
Richard:
How jolly. Does it hurt?
Agatha:
Rather.
Richard:
Too bad … well, chin up.
Agatha:
Chin up.
Richard:
Stiff upper lip. Honor of family.
Agatha:
Honor of family … Cheerio, Dick. (She expires.)
Richard:
Cheerio, Agatha. (Looks at watch.) Must dress. (Starts to walk left. Knock on door.)Come.
Mater:
(Entering) Richard, my boy.
Richard:
Mater.
Mater:
Yes—
Richard:
The pater—dead. (Indicates.)
Mater:
(Looks at bodies.) Right—and Agatha.
Richard:
And Agatha.
Mater:
Beastly.
Richard:
Right.
Mater:
Chin up.
Richard:
Chin up—stiff upper lip.
Mater:
Right.
(Richard starts to go.)
Richard.
Richard:
Not well?
Mater:
Perfectly well—something to tell you.
Richard:
Right. (Pause) Difficult?
Mater:
Terribly difficult.
Richard:
Right.
Mater:
You.
Richard:
Yes?
Richard:
Not legitimate?
Mater:
Not legitimate.
Richard:
Bastard?
Mater:
Quite.
Richard:
(reeling) Chin up.
Mater:
Chin up.
Richard:
(Regaining precarious restraint) Stiff upper lip. Honor of family.
Richard:
(Stands erect.) And you?
(Butler enters.)
Mater:
One thing to do.
Richard:
Right.
Mater:
(Sees Butler at elbow.) This it?
Richard:
Rather.
Mater:
Thanks. (Raises tumbler.) To the—
Richard:
Duchess.

Appendix 5

“If I Were King of the Forest” from
The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Lyrics by E. Y. Harburg, music by Harold Arlen
.

The comic lyrics of E. Y. Harburg were written with a careful understanding of Lahr's personality. “If I Were King of the Forest” sports impossible rhymes (“elephant/cellophant”) and funny vowel sounds (“genuflect”) that Lahr could elongate and make outrageous. In this song, the character of Bert Lahr, his film role, and the world of fantasy are adroitly combined.

Lion:
            
If I were king of the forest,
*
Not queen, not duke, not prince,
My regal robes of the forest
Would be satin, not cotton, not chintz.
I'd command each thing,
Be it fish or fowl,
With a regal woof,
And a royal growl.
As I'd click my heel
All the trees would kneel
And the mountains bow
And the bulls kow-tow
And the sparrows would take wing,
If I, if I were king.
Each rabbit would show respect to me,
The chipmunks genuflect to me,
Tho' my tail would lash
I would show compash
For ev'ry underling,
If I, if I were king.
Just king.

Dorothy, Tin Man, and Scarecrow:

Each rabbit would show respect to him,
The chipmunks genuflect to him,
His wife would be Queen of the May.
Lion:
I'd be monarch of all I survey,
Monarch of all I survey.
Mahahahahahahahahahah—ah—narch of all I survey.

Dorothy:

Your Majesty, if you were king,

You'd not be afraid of anything.
Lion:
Not nobody, not nohow.
Scarecrow:
Not even a rhinoceros?
Lion:
Imposserous.
Tin Man:
How about a hippopotamus?
Lion:
I'd thrash him from
His top to his bottomamus.
Scarecrow:
Supposin' you met an elephant?
Lion:
I'd wrap him up in cellophant.
Dorothy:
What if it were a brontosaurus?
Lion:
I'd show him who's king of the forest.
All:
But how?… How?
Lion:
How? Courage!
What makes a king out of a slave?

Courage.

What makes the flag on the mast to wave?

Courage.

What makes the elephant charge his tusk,
In the misty mist or the dusky dusk,
What makes the muskrat guard his musk?

Courage.

What makes the Sphinx the seventh wonder?

Courage … Courage.

What makes the dawn come up like thunder?

Courage.

What makes the Hottentot so hot,
What puts the “ape” in apricot,
What have they got that I ain't got?
All:
Courage!
Lion:
For courage is the thing of kings,
With courage I'll be king of kings,
And all year round
I'd be hailed and crowned
By every living thing.
'f I, 'f I, 'f I, 'f I, were king …
If I—Iffffff-I—were
KING.

*
Copyright 1938 (Renewed), 1968 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc.

Appendix 6

The Baseball Sketch (1951)

By Abe Burrows. From Two on the Aisle, a revue by Betty Comden, Adolph Green, and Jule Styne
.

Directed by Abe Burrows
.

The Baseball Sketch is one of the first Broadway comedy bits about television. Abe Burrows originally wrote it as a vehicle for himself, but he revised the sketch to emphasize the ballplayer (Lahr), not the announcer. For the Baseball Sketch, Lahr wore a New York Giants uniform (his favorite team), complete with baseball spikes. As a long-time friend of many ballplayers, he enjoyed the chance to wear the outfit and spoof the national pastime.

The sketch began with a TV announcer sitting at a table with a microphone and scripts, unconscious of the television camera pointed toward him. He is bored. Suddenly a light goes on.

Announcer:      
(Very sharp) Good evening, sports fans everywhere … (music in and out) Yes, sports fans, this is Bill Burns. Your old sportscaster bringing you highlights and spotlights from the world of sports on the spot.
This program is … spontaneous and unrehearsed. These sportscasts are telecast to you through the courtesy of our sponsors, the makers of Sawsie Dusties, the cereal that gives you that quick extra energy. And now, friends, for our guest tonight. Sawsie Dusties is proud our guest on tonight's parade of sports stars and sports fans, here's a real old timer … a great ballplayer and a great man.
(Lahr belatedly comes out in uniform from stage right. The lights get him. He squints.)
Lahr:
(Crosses to the front of table, backside to camera) Now,
NOW
?
Announcer:
… Lefty Hogan, hiya Lefty … Sit right here, Lefty.
Lahr:
(Trying to look happy) Hi ya, Buster.
Announcer:
Well, Lefty, say hello to our TV audience. (Lefty waves to camera.)
Announcer:
Now, Lefty, tell the folks—how long have you been donning those spiked shoes?
Lahr:
Huh?
(Announcer repeats.)
Lahr:
(Crosses legs, looks at shoes.) Well, I've had these shoes about two, three years.
Announcer:
How long have you played big league baseball?
Lahr:
Huh?
Announcer:
How long have you played big league baseball?
Lahr:
Well let's see now … I started in 1920 and this is … 'bout fourteen, fifteen years.
Announcer:
If you started in 1920, that would make it more than twice as long as that.
Lahr:
Well, I ain't counting the time the other side was batting.
Announcer:
Well, you were a great symbol of American sport all these years …and you're still a great pitcher.
Lahr:
No, I'm a coach—been a coach for ten years.
Announcer:
Oh, of course—what with covering sports I never get a chance to see a game. (Chuckles; Lahr imitates him.) Of course you're a coach …and a coach is very valuable. Eeerr—exactly what does a coach do?
Lahr:
(Doing a double-take) Well, I try to learn the young players all my experiences just like they was once teached to me.
Announcer:
Where did you first play baseball?
Lahr:
At college.
Announcer:
You went to college?
Lahr:
Sure I went. Do I look like a diseducated guy?… I played college football, basketball, and baseball … I went to college for six years.
Announcer:
Why six years?
Lahr:
I had a contract … so like I said I played college football, basketball, baseball …
Announcer:
And finally, Lefty, you became a professional—you had to. You had to because of that deep love you possessed for this great sport! Because of that you wouldn't rest until you became part of this beloved game.
Lahr:
No, I wanted to make some dough.
Announcer:
Magnificent sportsman that you are … and what a great pitcher you were. Tell me, Lefty, after being so great, what made you decide to take off your armor and cease to do active battle on the field of honor with the other knights of baseball?
Lahr:
I never played night baseball … only daytime.
Announcer:
No, I mean why did you quit pitching?
Lahr:
Whyn't you say so. You talk like a umpire. Well, why I quit pitching was I hurt my hand … busted it … couldn't pitch no more …
Announcer:
Hurt your hand in the service of the great game! Ah, but you went down in action. Tell me, Lefty, how'd it happen, this tragedy of a great athlete?
Lahr:
Well, it was back in 1948 … I was pitching against the Red Sox … and in the first inning I got a tough break.
Announcer:
What was it?
Lahr:
They made nine runs. I never missed a bat. So anyway …
Announcer:
But you had hurt your hand.
Lahr:
No! No—I didn't hurt my hand … so anyway, in the second inning I was a little better—they only made six runs. But still the manager turned me out, anyway.
Announcer:
But all the time your pitching hand was hurt and sportsman and gentleman that you are you made no mention of it.
Lahr:
No, my hand was all right … so then later I got dressed and went home and when I came in the door, my wife said, “Well, they certainly made a bum out of you today.” So, I socked her and busted my hand.
Announcer:
Broke it defending your reputation as a pitcher … tell me one more thing, Lefty. What advice would you give to young boys who are eager to become future ballplayers?
Lahr:
Well—I'd tell 'em—
Announcer:
What would you tell these future diamond greats?
Lahr:
Well, I'd—
Announcer:
What yesterday has to say to today.
Lahr:
Well—
Announcer:
What's your advice to these young, young kids?
Lahr:
(Exasperated) They'll be old men before I get to tell 'em.
(Stops.)Now what was the question?
Announcer:
What's your advice to these young kids?
Lahr:
Well, I'd say they should practice a lot … work hard … stay away from girls … live clean lives … don't take baths—that softens up their hands … eat good healthy meals …
Announcer:
Now, that's what I wanted to hear you say.
Lahr:
It is?
Announcer:
Yessiree—ladies and gentlemen, those meals are mighty important. Especially breakfast. Now tell me, Lefty, what's your favorite breakfast?
Lahr:
Pizza.
Announcer:
And what do you take for that quick, extra energy?
Lahr:
A hook 'a rye.
Announcer:
What a grand sense of humor … but, seriously, Lefty, now that it's almost time to go, how about those Sawsie Dusties?
Lahr:
How about what? (squinting quizzically)
Announcer:
Sawsie Dusties—you remember, you were going to tell the young folks something about them.
Lahr:
Oh yeah, now I remember, Buster. Now, kids, listen.
Announcer:
That's right, Lefty, Tell the kids about those great Sawsie Dusties.
Lahr:
Well, listen—
Announcer:
Tell them about that quick extra energy.
Lahr:
When you go to the grocery—
Announcer:
Tell them about Sawsie Dusties' rich, tangy goodness.
Lahr:
—buy some—
Announcer:
Tell them what's the most important thing to remember about Sawsie Dusties.
Lahr:
(Glaring at the camera disgustedly) Don't eat 'em—
THEY
'
LL KILL YA
!
(Blackout)

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