Notice Me (40 page)

“I wish I could have helped you Shannon dear,” Mrs Gray whispered in my ear. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“I’ll be fine,” I looked deep into her caring brown eyes. “I am marrying a billionaire. What could be better than that?” I teased. Mrs Gray just rolled her eyes at me.

Veronica came to sit beside me when I finally gave way to the burning pain on the balls of my feet.

“How are you feeling, Shannon?” Veronica asked placing her hand on mine. “Are your feet cold?”

“No.”

“You have made William so happy.”

“I know,” I looked away wishing I could say the same about myself.

“I wish some of your family could have been here with you,” Veronica put her hand through my hair. I would have shivered if I hadn’t drunk so much.

“I don’t have any family.”

“You have us now, but maybe we can look into finding out who your family were?”

Veronica surprised me at her kind gesture. “Thank you, but it is pointless they are dead.”

“Well, you think about it we have all the time in the world if you did decide you wanted to do some research,” I nodded yawning. “You really need to get some sleep, you have a long day tomorrow.”

“You’re right. I think I will go now.”

“Can you take Megan with you. She really has had enough,” Veronica pointed to her daughter who was fast asleep on the chair.

“Sure,” I laughed going to Megan to wake her up. She awoke with a startle.

“Come on you. Let’s get to bed,” I smirked. Some things would never change when Will and I were married, one of those would be me having to help Megan to bed after a night on the cocktails.

I was staying in Megan’s beach hut tonight. As Megan passed out on the bed I pulled a thin sheet over her before I went to watch the midnight moon sparkle across the sea. The waves were calm, slowly pushing their way towards me. A slight breeze made the palm trees dance in the distance. Everything around me was so peaceful. I wished my head was the same.

I noticed Megan’s red bridesmaid dress hanging up in its plastic cover. It sent tremors of my pending doom waiting for me tomorrow. I looked to check Megan was still fast asleep. I was sure an earthquake wouldn’t even wake her. I reached for my bag pulling out my poem book and wandered onto the beach. I sat near the tide feeling the cool sea water brush against my feet as the tide swept in and out.

I touched my necklace holding it close to my chest as I read the passages in Charlie’s book.

None of it made sense as I read all the passages. If love was all powerful, if it frees us from the pain of life what was I doing here? Sophocles had got it wrong – love only trapped us, made us vulnerable to those who wanted to gain control.

I couldn’t even finish the verse of the Corinthians because Will couldn’t be in love with me if the bible was correct about love. Will’s feelings for me was everything love was not.

The only verse I could relate to was Sir James M. Barrie. His words hit me like a hot dagger through my heart. (
If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you do have
.) The words made me realise what I was doing. I knew what true love felt like. I was so in love with Charlie that I was able to save him so he could live his life. It was the greatest gift I could ever give myself. As long as he lived, my heart knew it had won.

I would always have his words, the memory of his touch and my emerald green necklace close to my heart to be able to know he was real – that we were real. I ran my fingers across Robert Burns’ poem Red Red Rose as the tears fell down my face. Why was it as I read the poem it felt as if it was Charlie saying goodbye?

Red Red Rose

O, my love is like a red, red rose,

That is newly sprung in June.

O, my love is like the melody,

That is sweetly played in tune.

As fair are you, my lovely lass,

So deep in love am I,

And I will love you still, my Dear,

Till all the seas go dry.

Till all the seas go dry, my Dear,

And the rocks melt with the sun!

O I will love you still, my Dear,

While the sands of life shall run.

And fare you well, my only Love,

And fare you well a while!

And I will come again, my Love,

Although it were ten thousand mile!

- Robert Burns -

I looked out towards the sea as the waves still crashed gently at my feet wishing the sea had already run dry so I could run to him. I knew I would never get my happily ever after, but deep in the bottom of my heart I wished that for Charlie. I hoped he could find a love like ours again. To finally be complete with a happiness only love could bring. I loved him enough to wish that for him. At least he could be happy enough for the both of us.

Chapter 30

When you reach the end of your life does everyone regret the choices they didn’t make?

Can you really spend your whole life living a lie to your heart to protect the one thing that keeps it still beating?

Waiting in the large white beach hut having my hair braided to fit my tiara I could hardly control my panic. I had nowhere left to run.

My wedding dress hung over the large framed mirror staring me in the face, showing me the life I had ahead of me.

Megan and Maisy were waiting outside for me in their pretty red flawless dresses. Mrs Gray was doing her best to calm me but the panic attacks were coming fast making it hard for me to breathe.

It was even worse knowing I had to walk down the aisle alone. I knew it would cripple me, but I wanted the pain to take me. If my heart still hurt I knew I would never forget how it felt to love Charlie.

I could hardly look at the face in the mirror, it wasn’t me, just a fake hollow shell. Was this me from now on? Someone who couldn’t even be truthful to her own self?

As my last curl was pinned into place, I knew I was ready. The end of my heart, life and significance as I knew it.

I breathed in slowly pulling the last ounce of courage into the pit of my stomach. As my wedding dress was pulled into place I felt as if all the threads were chaining me pulling me to the ground like a slave for the pleasure of the Field family.

 I touched my emerald necklace as a single tear fell down my face. ‘Forgive me.’ I whispered to my heart.

I could feel the heat from the summer sun before I even stepped outside. The heat was moist swirling around my body as I glided towards the door in my perfect fairy tale white lace dress.

I squinted from the sun as I stepped outside. I could hear the orchestra playing a tranquil classical tune and hear the gentle hum of the few guests waiting for me. The sea was a beautiful cool blue glistening like stardust across the horizon. Tall palm trees swayed in rhythm to the music. It was more picturesque than I had ever dreamed as I spotted the red rose petals leading the way down towards the pure white sand beach.

Waiting staff all dressed in white lowered their heads as I glided past them as if I were royalty. I hated it.

Megan and Maisy were waiting for me just under a small canopy near the aisle.

“You look breathtaking my dear,” whispered Mrs Gray. She was the most wonderful wedding planner. Under all the circumstances I had to be grateful for her making my day so magical.

“Thank you. For everything,” I whispered.

“It is not too late to run my dear,” Mrs Gray whispered in my ear. “I just wish I was helping you marry your true love.”

“You are helping me save him. That is even better,” I touched her arm. “Thank you.”

“You take care of yourself, Shannon,” Mrs Gray kissed my forehead. “I am sorry I couldn’t help, I tried.” I looked at her confused. “I sent your letter to him last week.” I froze, what had she done, but as I thought about it what harm could it do? In an hour I would be Mrs Shannon Field. Charlie couldn’t fight with that.

“Mrs Gray you really shouldn’t have done that,” I whispered with a smile.

“I am sorry. I really thought he would come and save you. I guess the Fields are too dangerous even for true love?” I forced a smile touching her arm.

 “Thank you for trying. I understand why you did it,” I kissed her cheek. “Wish me luck,” I teased breathing deeply.

“I am praying for a miracle for you, Shannon. Your heart deserves better.”

I was grateful that someone was watching out for me, but miracles only happened in fairy tales.

“Shannon, you look beautiful,” Maisy and Megan sighed together holding their white rose arrangement. Megan handed me my red and white bouquet and touched my face.

“Be happy my dear friend,” Megan beamed as the tears fell down my face. Megan thought they were tears of joy as she wiped them away. “Don’t mess your beautiful face, Shannon,” Megan laughed.

“We are up,” Maisy pulled Megan excitedly.

“Okay Maisy,” Megan moaned. “You don’t need to pull my arm off.”

“See you at the top of the aisle Shan,” Maisy winked. I just smiled nervously.

“Keep your head high Shan. You have never looked as beautiful as you do now,” Megan whispered as she began to follow the path of petals. “You have never looked more like you belong with us!” Megan’s last words sliced me into two. I knew her words were true and soon enough I would be a Field forever.

The music for my entrance began to play. My time was up. As I followed the path of red rose petals I imagined Charlie would be waiting for me as the rose petal trail ended. It kept me calm as the rest of the Field family came into view. Megan and Maisy had already reached the top canopy and were arguing in their red shimmering bridesmaid dresses. Will was with his father under an arch of red roses in a black morning suit. Veronica in a pink dress suit stood looking up the aisle sighing, telling Will to look at how beautiful I was. I didn’t even take in the rest of the guests. I had no idea who they were anyway. I made Mrs Gray out in the distance. I guess she would be crying so decided to keep her distance.

Charlie was all I could suddenly think about, every touch, every word he had given me. My whole life twisted around his every breath. I even imagined him softly calling my name begging me to wait for him. I guess I had gone mad, but I suppose my head could only take so much.

 I began to step onto the aisle looking at the blood red rose petals reminding me of my slowly bleeding heart, walking towards my fate. I watched the Field’s faces grow restless. Something that was happening behind me was bothering them. Sir Philip Field called over his head of security shaking his hands frantically in my direction. Veronica Field kept her worried eyes on me beckoning me to carry on down the aisle. Will kept his eyes hard on mine, almost forcing me down the aisle. I wanted to turn to see what was going on, but I was afraid. My heart knew what I hoped for wasn’t what I would see. Perhaps some more press had gotten through the security or maybe the chef had set the main house on fire, that would be a shame. I laughed to myself, then heard my name being called louder and louder.