Nova (25 page)

If it weren’t already so hot outside, my face would have warmed up instantly. But
I could tell that Ben knew I was embarrassed because of the way he laughed. I tried not to let him unnerve me
though
and said, “Okay, I feel one form of a connection, you feel another…any way you look at it, you’re supposed to open up to me.”

He
cast
me a look that clearly stated I was being pretty bold, but even with the surprised smirk on his face, I could tell he was thinking it over. He stared ahead at the other men talking
with one another
so he wasn’t looking at me anymore, but I continued to watch him, waiting for a response. He ran a hand through his light brown hair and exhaled. I really thought he was going to confide in me, so when he stood up and said, “Nah, guess I don’t have it in me,” I felt a little insulted.

“Don’t have it in you
to suck it up and face the truth
?”

He gave me a
nother
smirk, and I could tell he knew I was perturbed. “Nope, guess not. I’m just a sorry excuse of a
man
that
won’t give in to nosy wome
n.”

“Nosy?”

“Mmhmm.”

I scoffed. “Whatever. I’m just trying to be your friend.”

“Well I don’t have any real friends, so I’m not sure what one is like.”

“Austin used to be your friend.”

“Austin gave up on me,” he replied with narrowed eyes. “Austin decided he was too good for the stable boy and moved on without me.
Austin chose to dump me on my ass.
”

“That doesn’t sound like the Austin I know. Look at
me
,” I said angrily. “I was a
waitress
in a
diner
and he still wanted to date me.
He
pursued
me
because he saw more to me than most people did.”

“Maybe you were his do-over.”

“Excuse me?”

“He had to
get rid of the guilt, make up
for what he did to
me
.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but are you implying that Austin felt sorry for me or something?”

“I’m not implying anything. Just forget it.”

“No, I want you to be accountable for what you just said. You told me that Austin thought he was too good for you. What does that mean? How did he give up on you?”

He smiled and shook his head, clearly unwilling to
get into it
. “I’m not doing this,” he even said. “You’re pretty good though, you know? ‘I want you to be accountable for what you just said,’ ” he mimicked. “I like it.”

“And you’re pretty good yourself,” I retorted. “I can tell you’re very practiced in the art of evading the truth.”

“Evading it? I live with it every day, honey. If I wanted to dodge it
any longer
, why the hell would I be here again? –In California, with everything that reminds me of my past.”

“I think you’re reminded of your past anywhere you go, and you know it isn’t going to go away until you finally deal with it.”

He gave me a look of defiance and said, “And you’re a freaking vet? You sure you wouldn’t rather switch professions and stick your nose in other people’s business full time?”

“No, because then I’d have to hear one excuse after another, and frankly, I can’t handle people that are in denial. It’s not a psychological issue I’m familiar with.”

He chuckled pretty
sarcastically,
even giving me a thumb’s up to signify that I
’d
topped him. “That’s good, that’s good,” he smiled
,
nodding his head. “Almost as good as the fact that you’re the biggest hypocrite that I’ve ever met.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, man
. People like you are the ones that are in denial. You sit there on your soap box, preaching that I’m supposed to
face the truth,
open up to you and unload all of my mistakes and crap just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers, “
when I bet
you can’t even
name one hardship you’ve ever had to go through. Bad hair days and PMS don’t even count,” he added, smiling at his own wit.

I could feel my anger boil, and I almost wanted to punch him in the face. He made me thi
nk of my mother at that moment, and
the fact that she was now gone really burned me deep. I instantly thought of the day in fifth grade when Joey Roberts took my A+ report on mammals and threw it in the mud. “How’s that for your A
-plus
,” he sneered as a dozen other kids laughed. “You think you’re better than everyone else, don’t you?”
he laughed as he left me standing there.

I’ll admit that I cried the entire way home from school that
day,
feeling like one kid had the power to completely tear me down. My mother made me vow that I would never allo
w myself to feel that way again
and that I would always be proud of my achievements whether people noticed or not. “People like Joey are hurting inside,” she had told me. I think that phrase echoed over
one
hundred times in my head since then, and whenever I was faced with a moment like that in my life, I repeated, “People like Joey are hurting inside.”

“I suppose I could throw your own words in your face,” I said to Ben. “ ‘You know nothing about my life,’ ” I mimicked. “My father was
a
crack head—heroin, cocaine, meth; whatever else he does now—and he
finally
left
town for good
when I was
ten
years old
. I guess a
fter he got tired of beating up on
my mom and me
. Now I realize it was actually a good thing, but back then it was really hard to accept the fact that my dad didn’t want me.
All I wanted was for my dad to just
like
me, to just treat me like he actually cared about me.
I understand that he’s not even capable of being a parent anyway because of what the drugs have done to him,
and
I think I’m finally beyond all of that. I don’t want him in my life
, and I’ve finally discarded the ridiculous fantasy that he would ever be there for me
.

“Now my mother on the other hand… She was my best friend. She worked her ass off to give me a decent life, and if there was anyone that ever faced their mistakes to make things right, it was my mom. Sometimes I even got sick of her apologies and he
r efforts to ‘make it up to me.’ I didn’t feel like she needed to make anything up to me. She was a great mom. So yeah, I guess
her death
doesn’t really
count as a hardship since
your
problems are so much harder than anyone else’s.”

He didn’t say anything when I stood up to leave, especially because I could hear a familiar engine coming up the road and I was looking for the car that went with it. It really was Austin, but I wasn’t sure if I was happy to see him or not because of how angry I was at the moment. Especially when Ben smiled at me and said, “See? I can pull off the shrink role just as easily. Actually, I think I
got more out of you than you did
me.”

I almost gaped at him with disbelief as he slid off of the tailgate and flashed me another smile. Austin arrived just then, not at all happy with
who
m
had been keeping me company. B
ut Ben disappeared into the
crowd
in front of us, and I was still standing there, pissed as hell.

“What’s going on?” Aus
tin asked. “Is he bothering you
?”

He wa
s about to follow
after Ben to do who knows what, but I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Leave it alone.”

“What’d he do?”
he demanded. “You look like you wanna fight him about now. I totally know that feeling when it comes to Ben, so just tell me what happened.”

“Nothing, I just…” I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Will you just… Can you take me home?”

He studied me for moment and then nodded his head. He very noticeably looked me over, even taking my hands in his to look over the damage on my forearms, and then pull
ed me close to him for a hug. It
felt really good, but at the same time I kind of felt embarrassed because I was so dirty
, and when he pressed against my back to hold me tighter, it made me wince. I could tell I had other parts of my body to look over later on
.

“My dad told me what kind of day you guys have had,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

I shrugged and pulled away to look at him. “It was only as bad as it was because of the heat.”

“And?” he asked, holding my arm up to eye the bandage.

I shrugged again. “And I kind of fell down
a mountain
.”

He chuckled because I’d said it so casually, but after he shook his head at me, he gave me a kiss and led me to the car
. I couldn’t help glancing behind us as we left the scene, and I know Austin glanced back because I did, but all it took was one little glimpse at Ben leaning against the trailer
,
and his smug smile sent an unfamiliar feeling to my stomach.
I told myself to just let it go, to listen to Austin and stay away from him, but there was something about Ben that didn’t sit right with me
,
and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it.

Chapter Thirteen

There’s something about hearing a horse greet you with a whinny that makes you feel really good inside. Maybe it’s just the fact that an animal can be so connected to you. Maybe it’s because he literally relies on you to take care of him. Maybe it’s because horses really do know how to make a best friend out of someone, and that in and of itself is a remarkable quality
in
a
creature
.

Born To Be Wild had befriended me the moment he was coherent enough to do so. He was given a stall by Jack’s office so we could keep a close eye on him, and he always seemed to be at the stall door, watching everything going on that he could. He was able to recognize my voice by the third day we had him. It didn’t matter where I was in the barn, but if he could hear me, he would whinny to let me know it. Sometimes I would even holler something around the corner, just to see if he was paying attention. He never let me down, even when Jack and I were arguing about the
Raiders
and the Forty-
Niners
,
Born To Be Wild seemed to yell at Jack, just to show he supported me.

The week after we’d rescued Wild,
Greg
came by the stables to see him. I almost panicked, thinking that he would try to get the horse back. Jack could sense my worry, so while
Greg
was shooting the breeze with Dave,
Jack
said, “He’s ours, Nova. Nobody’
s
gonna
to take him.”

I felt a little bit of relief, but I couldn’t completely relax until
Greg
finally left the ranch.

“You’re happy to be away from that loud-mouthed old codger, aren’t you pal?” I said to Wild, feeding him a few of the potato chips I was eating. He blew some air out of his nostrils as a response and sprayed me.

“Gross!” I laughed, wiping the side of my face. “Save that for the people you
don’t
like.”

I gave him another chip and rubbed the side of his face before I turned around to leave, only to come face to face with Ben. I was instantly uncomfortable, especially because I didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, but particularly because I hadn’t spoken to him for an entire week since that day on the mountain. I’d seen him around a few times, mainly from a distance, but I was never within
five
feet of him like I was
now
.

I decided not to say anything as I crumpled up the empty chip bag and proceeded to make my way into Jack’s office. In my peripheral I could tell that Ben was annoyed, just by how he reacted to me completely ignoring him, but I was a little surprised that he actually followed me into the room.

“Come on, Nova. Don’t give me the cold shoulder.”

I tossed the bag
in the garbage and then washed my hands in the sink. I took my time, deciding if I should say anything to him or not, and then grabbed a paper towel as I turned to face him. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets during the time I was carefully considering a conversation with him, and then I
tossed the paper towel and
turned away to do some work.

“Oh, come on
,” he said again. I could tell he entered the office further, even standing behind me when he added, “I’m really sorry, okay? What I said that day… Whatever you’re upset about, I’m sorry. I was a jerk, I was out of line, and I know I don’t deserve your friendship, but I just want you to know that…I really want it. I want to be friends with you.”