Nova (29 page)

“And maybe it’s just a test
to see how much faith you really have.”

He studied me for a few seconds before asking, “What do you mean?”

“Well, it sounds like you really don’t have much faith in us, Austin. Set us up for disaster? Because there might be something we disagree on?”

“I see it as being more than just a disagreement.
Racing is a lifestyle.
”

“Even so… You’re afraid of being stuck with me. Yeah, I get it.”

“That’s not true,” he chuckled. “Now you’re just being sensitive.”

“Maybe so. But we’re being perfectly honest here, right? You’re afraid of how marriage will change your life. You
don’t want any hassles
if you and I don’t work out
, just so you can race without anything holding you down.” He made a noise of
disagreement
,
but I continued with, “What? Does it sound even harsher when it’s said so plainly?”

He shook his head, clearly upset with me, but instead of responding, he walked across the room to gather his thoughts. Finally he turned around and said, “I’ve known you for
six months. We’ve been dating for…almost four.”

I guess that was supposed to be his point because he didn’t say anything further.

Okay, so in his mind it was way too soon, and I guess I considered it to be as well. Maybe things really had moved faster than we’d both expected, but to me it was a good thing. I knew how I felt about him
,
and
to me
that realization seemed to be perfectly timed so I could look at my options and make a decision. But my decision didn’t match up with Austin’s, and that was the only problem at that moment.

“I’m really sorry,” I finally said.

His face puzzled and he asked, “Sorry for what?” as he returned to me in the middle of the room. He stood there, waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry for messing everything up.”

“What?” he smiled. “What do you mean?”

“I just…realized something today, and I made the mistake of expecting you to be on the same page. I should have held off on all of this instead of th
row it in your face. I’m sorry. I, uh, I should get going, though. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I gave him a hug and a kiss, and turned to leave.

“Nova, wait.”

“I love you, Austin.”

I think he said something in response but I was already out the door. I was utterly humiliated, and my choice to run away from the situation probably wasn’t the best one, but I really didn’t want him to see me cry. I wiped the moisture from my face as I half walked, half jogged across the yard for the barn.

If I could have chosen any one person t
o run into on the way to my car
I’m not sure who it would
have been
, but at least it wasn’t Dave or
Marlo
that had to see me upset
. I suppose Ben wasn’t much better, but he was the one that just happened to be coming out of the barn at that moment. He smiled at first until he saw that I was crying, and trying to hide the fact that I was
didn’t
help
.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied, opening the car door right away.

He shut it before I could
escape
for good, just as I
had
to wipe away a new set of tears.

“You’re shaking,” he said, taking my hand in his. “What happened?”

“Nothing, I just…”

“You just what? Nova?”

I’d never really seen the compassionate side to Ben, but there it was, waiting for me to share my troubles. I had escaped from Austin so I didn’t have to face anyone with my tears, and now I had to face Ben. I wasn’t good at all this emotional
garbage
.

“Just take a deep breath,” he said quietly.

I did as he said, and then took another one for good measure. I felt a little more relaxed and wiped my tears again.

“Now tell me what happened,” Ben requested.

“It’s not something I should be talking to you about,” I finally replied. “Thanks for your concern, but I just had a little disagreement with Austin.”

“A
‘
little
’
disagreement? Why are you so upset?
It doesn’t seem like anything little
.”

“Nova,” Austin’s voice said. A wave of panic rushed through me as I saw him quickly approach my car. “What are you doing?” he gruffly asked Ben, pushing him away from me with his arm.
“Get away from her.”

Ben
took a step back,
holding his hands
up
to
show his compliance.
“Take it easy,” he said casually.

“Don’t tell me to take it easy when you’ve got your hands on my girlfriend.”

“Austin, relax,” I said.

He
glanced
at me, almost seeming unsure if he was supposed to
start a fight
with Ben, or argue with me instead, but
then he took a closer l
ook at me. “What’s the matter?
Nova, why are you crying?” He looked at Ben, who was still standing there, and he
growled
, “Do you mind?”
as he turned his back to him.

Ben complied again
and
left
us alone.

“What’s going on?” Austin asked gently, holding my face in his hands.

It only made me cry more and I buried my face against him with a muffled, “I don’t know.”

He held me for several seconds, stroking my hair with his hand as he kissed the top of my head. “You just…
took off. Why
?”

“I’m just having a rough day.”

“Well I’d say so. I don’t think
I’ve ever seen you cry before.”

“And it should have stayed that way,” I grumbled.

I could feel him laugh, but he pulled away from me to see my face. “Well I don’t like to see you cry,” he said, wiping a stray tear, “but you really don’t need to hide it from me.
Let’s go back inside, okay?
”

“
Uh… No,
I
just…I
think I just
need the drive south to clear my head.
I should get going.
”

“You’re running again,” he stated. “This has to do with what we were talking about in the house?”

I didn’t reply.

“Nova, I’m sorry that I upset you, but I told you that I didn’t want to disappoint you. Wait, I shouldn’t say that, it’s like saying ‘I told you so.’ Shit, I just said it anyways…”

I smiled and laid my head against him again. “Can we not talk about this right now? I’m sorry I totally put a damper on a great weekend, but now I just need some time to shelf some of these hormones.”

“Ooh, hormones. Uh…”

I smiled again and gave him a kiss. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Nova…” he said as I opened the car door. “Really? You’re really leaving?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m just tired and…have some things to do before school tomorrow.”

He paused for a few seconds before he finally nodded. “All right. Uh, a
re you sure you’ll be
okay
driving home?”

I nodded as I got in the car, and he took a couple of steps back and watched me drive away. As soon as I was out of sight I began to bawl, and all I could think about was the fact that Austin didn’t want to marry me
.

Chapter Fifteen

“You quit being such a woman,” my grandpa playfully growled. “You’ve gone and scared the boy away.”

I groaned out loud. “
I know that now
. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just living in the moment I guess.”

“That gets people into trouble.”

“Well, Old Wise One.
If I’d had you there to head off my stupidity…”

He chuckled and lightly punched me in the arm. “You’re a smart ass.”

“I learned it from you.”

“Oh, j
ust try to forget about it. Austin is a bright kid. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to drop you on your can anytime soon.”

“Thanks, Gramps.”

He
smiled
. “He knows how you feel now,” he shrugged. “When he finally realizes it’s what he want
s
too,
it’ll make it that much easier
.”

I sighed. “I just… I just thought he
did
want
that too. How did I get so mixed up?”

“Well, what has he done that’s made you think, ‘Oh, he wants to marry me’?”

I gave
him
an unhappy scowl, but realized he was being serious. I thought for a moment and said, “I guess the phrase ‘future together’ has more than one meaning?”

He considered it for a few seconds and
then shrugged. “Possibly. But sometimes when a guy talks about having a future with a girl, he could just be saying it
to…”

“Keep her around?” I finished carefully.

“Well…”

“You really think that’s what Austin was doing?”

“Noves, I think that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. But you have to respect his feelings when he says he’s not ready. Even if you feel that the two of you belong together, he still needs to realize that on his own.
Marriage talk can really freak a boy out, ya know? And some boys just aren’t rea
dy to settle down in that way.
M
y advice to you?
Just keep dating, sweetheart. Just keep building a solid relationship with him, and the rest will take its course.
There’s no rush to get married.
Just enjoy what you have.
”

I let out a breath of air and laid my head on his shoulder. We were both quiet for a
while,
just watching the people enjoy the beautiful day at Brookside Gardens.

“Why did he have to throw off my plan, Gramps?”

He laughed and squeezed
me tight
. “Love doesn’t make sense sometimes. Nor is it convenient.”

“It definitely wasn’t convenient. It actually makes sense, it just should have happened in four years.”

“Then you need to be patient.”

“I just don’t get it,” I rambled on. “I had my life all figured out. I wanted to work, I wanted to finish school, and I
didn’t
wa
nt a serious relationship.
I’m trying to be reasonable about this
Grandpa
, and I know the logical choice is to continue with school.
Who knows where Austin will be at this time next year. Well he plans on racing, that’s for sure.
He made that perfectly clear.
I mean I can’t change my entire life for
the
guy, can I?”

“ ‘Can’ is the optional word here. ‘Would’ is
another.
Would
you be willing to change your life for him, and at what cost?”

“Thanks for adding more to the plate.”

“When he makes a lot of money, could you have him buy me a race horse?”

“You’re not helping here, Grandpa.”

“How come?”

I smiled and gave him a nudge. “Because you know how sad I am right now and you’re being a pain so you don’t have to deal with it seriously.”

“I’ve given you plenty of serious.”

“I kno
w.
I’m just being a
silly
girl.”

He got up slowly, holding his back while he groaned. “Well, I guess I better go take care of this punk once and for all…”

I laughed and said, “You like Austin more than you like me.”

“Bull. He’s just a kid; I can take him.”

“What about your race horse?”

“Oh yeah,” he replied casually, sitting back down.

“You know, for an old guy you’re kind of a bully.”

“The elderly are treated like a minority; gotta stand our ground. And when
you’re
seventy
-
five
, let me know how it goes for you.”

I smiled and laid my head against his shoulder again. We talked about Austin for a little more that Wednesday afternoon, but in all honesty, I was getting worn out
from it
because of the emotions involved. I knew
that I should just forget about my lapse of judgment and move on, but the incident had given me so much anxiety that I was constantly worried about it. I couldn’t stop that stupid thought in the back of my head that made me so uneasy. I really didn’t know what to do about my education, and I was mad at myself (and Austin) for struggling with it so much. I already knew that I would give it up for him, and even though that kind of annoyed
me
in and of its self, I knew I was following my heart. However, Austin wasn’t ready to join me on that decision, and I was on my own.