Now or Never (8 page)

Part of her wanted to get it over with. Let him say what he needed to say so that she could start working toward recovering from the inevitable damage his words would cause. But the non-suicidal part of her knew there would be no recovery, and it clung to life.
This
life. The life that would be forever shattered, and take her right along with it, the minute Jay opened his mouth.

That’s the part that drove her to run like the
coward
she was straight for Ashlyn’s car.

Chapter
Fifteen

Jay

Em had barely made it through the door before she turned around and ran. One look at him was all it took to dri
ve her away. And, being
weak
, he’d let her go. Again.

He
had
to talk to her. She was hurting, he could see it. Hell, a blind man could see it. And he was hurting just as bad. This bullshit had to stop. Only, he still hadn’t been able to make up his mind about what to say when they did talk.

His heart begged to crawl on hands and knees and plead for her forgiveness. But his instincts, his need to protect her above all else—
himself included—said that was wrong. Selfish. That he should let her go. Every time he’d almost convinced himself to do the right thing, his panicked, selfish heart would drive him right back into indecision.

Jay arrived home feeling the pressure of time on his shoulders, weighing him down. He couldn’t put this off anymore. They both deserved an answer. Limbo was hell. And he knew damn well it was him they were both waiting on. He had to make the first move. He just had to figure out what that move was.

A knock at the door pulled him from what was certain to become an all-night battle of wills with himself, which made him almost appreciative of the late night intrusion. Until he opened it.

“Don’t look so surprised, Julian. You think your little girl scared me away
for good?” His father even managed to make a smile look threatening, full of teeth and malice. “Where is Em, anyway?”

Just the sound of her name on his lips made Jay’s blood boil. That bastard had no right to speak about her, look for her, breathe the same fucking air as her.
His gaze darted around the living room, obviously looking for Em, and Jay’s fist tightened until even the smooth, rounded edges of the doorknob dug into his palm. Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, Jay attempted to slam the door in his face, but his father was ready for that.

Jamming the door with his booted foot, he used his shoulder to shove his way inside. “Nice place you got here. Use my money to buy it?”

“I used
my
money. Too bad there isn’t any left so why don’t you go—”

“Oh, there’s always money, Julian. Money to be made. Money to be spent. Money to be
owed.
You owe me, Julian. I’m here to collect.”

“I don’t owe you shit!”

“Watch your mouth, you little prick. And show a little respect. You forget the price of disrespect already?”

Jay choked down the bile creeping up the back of his throat. He hadn’t forgotten. How could he ever forget?
He wore the reminder on his body every damn day of his life.

Jay’s fists clenched by his sides as he s
tared his father down, defiant. He wasn’t a child anymore. The bastard could threaten him all he wanted. He wasn’t going to be afraid anymore. Though his body seemed to disagree as his heart rate intensified with every loaded second that passed between them. His palms and back grew sweaty as he braced for the inevitable pain. He could take whatever his father dished out.

“You seem to have misplaced your girl. Don’t worry, I can find her for you. After all, I found you, didn’t I?”

Except that. “You stay the fuck away from her.”

“Sure. No problem. As long as I get paid on time.”

“
Paid?
”

“Installments of the debt you
owe me. I’ll expect them weekly.”

“I can’t—”

“You will. Or I’ll make the girl pay for you.”

“You lay one hand on Em and I swear to God I will
kill you.
” Jay’s entire body shook with a lethal combination of rage and terror.

“That’s what I thought.” Jay’s father wore a satisfied smirk and he headed for the door.
It shut with a bang that vibrated through Jay’s taught body.

Em
. His legs ached to run to her right that instant. The need to have her in his arms was almost unbearable. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, lock her in a goddamn tower somewhere just to know she was safe.

Instead, he crumpled to the floor as relief and fear slammed into him, simultaneously. Thank Christ Em hadn’t been there for that. It was bad enough listening to him threaten her. If he’d touched her again . . . But
this wasn’t over. His father didn’t make idle threats. Jay knew that better than anyone.

The selfish desires of
his heart surrendered to a far deeper fear, and Jay knew what he had to do to keep her safe.

Chapter Sixteen

Em

“Get dressed.” A pair of jeans landed on Em’s head and she groaned into her pillow.

“What?”

“Get dressed. You’re going to work.”

“I was going to call Bart. I’m still not feeling—”

“Bullshit. You’re hiding from Jay.”

“Ash . . .” Em threw back the blankets and tossed the jeans on the floor to glare at her friend.

“You both need to get your heads out of you asses and have a damn conversation. This hide-and-seek crap is getting a little ridiculous.” The girl was not one to sugar coat things.

“Hide and seek only works if one of us is actually seeking.”

“Glad you figured that out, Einstein. Now get dressed. We’re going seeking.”

***

Em’s eyes darted over the schedule and she sighed with relief to see Jay wasn’t supposed to come in until the end of her shift. If things didn’t go well . . . She really couldn’t afford to bail on work again. Not even Bart liked her that much.

The relief was short lived, however. It
didn’t take her long to realize waiting was its own brand of torture. A half-shift never lasted so long.

An eternity—
disguising itself as four hours—later, Ashlyn nudged Em’s shoulder, sending tiny white granules scattering across the counter from the salt shaker she was trying to refill. The tremors that erupted in Em’s hands turned the salty flurry into a blizzard.

“Go. Talk to him. I’ll finish up here and meet you outside.”
Ash swooped into relieve her of her duties and she finally peeked in Jay’s direction. He stood beside the coat rack just inside the door. And he was staring at her.

It took another nudge—more like a
friendly shove—to get Em’s feet to cooperate. Tunnel vision set in as she made her way across the scuffed wood flooring, until all she could see was Jay watching her come, an unreadable expression on his face.

On legs flimsier than wet noodles, she covered the space between them at a snail’s pace until she
ran out of room to stall and found herself standing right in front of him. His familiar scent overwhelmed her senses with each breath. It had only been a few days, but she missed him so badly it hurt.

Staring straight ahead, t
he navy shirt stretched tight over his hard chest filled her vision. Unbidden, memories of every time she’d seen what lay beneath, run her fingers over the lean muscles, laid her head against them and listened to his steady heartbeat flashed through her mind like a dying man’s last glimpse of life.

Em had thought she’d given herself time. Prepared for this. Was ready. But that was crap. She would never be ready to lose him.
Please, don’t let this be the end.

Her hands itched to reach out an
d touch him even then. Clasping them tightly in front of her, Em forced her gaze upward. Dragging over the tendons that always strained in his neck when he was angry or upset, along the coarse, days old scruff that lined his square jaw, past his soft lips pressed firmly into a tight line. Soft light filtered in through the smudgy window and across his dark hair. Beyond that to the deep blue ocean of secrets that lay within his eyes—the windows to his soul—swimming with a sadness so deeply consuming Em felt certain she would drown in them.

“We need to
talk.”

And the shutters slammed shut, closing out all of that emotion, masking all of the pain behind a blank stare.

“We do.” Jay reached behind him to hang his coat over a vacant hook without ever looking away from her. “Let’s go in the back.”

Em’s stomach twisted into knots any sailor would be proud of as Jay shoved through the supply room doors, checking to make sure they were alone.
There wasn’t much to check. Boxes of everything from condiment refills to spare dishes were piled up against the walls and stacked on makeshift shelves that looked in constant danger of collapsing, leaving very little open floor space. All of which was occupied by her and Jay. Standing nearly on top of each other, he just looked at her, for the longest time. The shutters stayed in place, so she had no idea what was running through his head, but his scrutiny made her squirm.

Chapter Seventeen

Jay

She stood close enough to touch, looking up at him with those big, beautiful eyes. That look. All of that distress written all over her sweet face. He
never
wanted her to look at him that way. But she was worried about the conversation they needed to have, and rightfully so. She wasn’t going to like the outcome. Neither did he, but there wasn’t any other choice. When it came to her safety, there would never be another choice for him.

Before he could go there, though, there was something he needed her to know.
“I am so, so sorry for what happened. I know words can’t fix it, but I am. Being drunk is not an excuse, and you were right, it wasn’t an accident. I can call it a stupid, idiotic mistake, but that doesn’t make a difference. I—”

“
It’s okay, Jay.”

“
No, Em, dammit. It’s
not.
It’s never okay for someone to hurt you. Ever. In any way. And that’s all I seem to be doing lately.”

“Jay—”

“Stop. Stop being so understanding, Em. Yell at me, scream at me,
hit me—”

“
I’d never—”

“I know. That’s part of the problem. You’d never hurt anyone. But you think
it’s okay when people hurt you.” The flash of pain in her eyes told him she’d taken his words to heart. Good, she needed to in order to understand what was coming next. Jay took a deep breath and steeled himself. Knowing he was doing this for her own good didn’t make it any easier. He been up all night trying to come to grips with his decision, but this was different. It was about to become real. “I think we should take a break.”

Em blinked.
“A break from what?”              

The pain turned to fear, and he couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye any lon
ger, focusing instead on the grimy, cement floor beneath his feet. “From us. From each other. We threw ourselves into this so fast, Em. Everything moved so fast. It had to just to survive. But we have time now. And I think we should take some . . . and just be friends for a while.”

Em was quiet for a long time. He thought maybe she was gathering the courage to finally yell at him. Or maybe she’d just walked aw
ay. He wouldn’t blame her if she did. A quiet sniffle told him she was still there. Fighting to hold it all together.
So strong.

When she finally did speak, she didn’t yell, she didn’t cry, but
it broke his heart anyway.

“Do you still love me?”

“What?” His gaze shot to her face and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Her wide eyes and trembling lips said it all. She honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. And it gutted him.

“It’s a simple question, Jay. Do you still love me, or not?”

“Shit, Em.”
Jay’s eyes squeezed shut, unable to look at the tears in her eyes and not pull her into his arms. “I will always love you.
Always
. Every minute of every day, I am hopelessly in love with you and I always will be. That’s not what this is about.”

“What is this about, then?”

“You, baby. This is about you and what’s best for you. Not me.”

“I don’t understand.” The
tears she’d been fighting broke free, sliding silently down her face. “Why are you doing this?”

Because I’m toxic. Because
, sooner or later, I’ll ruin us. I’ll ruin
you.

“I’m doing this
because
I love you. Because I want nothing but the best for you. And that’s not me. I’m irrevocably fucked up, Em. You can do so much better. You
deserve
so much better.”

“You’re wrong! I’m fucked up, too, Jay. I know that. I know I don’t give you what you need, but I swear . . . I’ll try harder. I’ll do better. I
swear
.”

“Christ.” Jay threw his head back as waves of physical pain collided with his
already battered heart. He’d kissed another girl. Of all the ways to push her away, he had to kiss another girl? Of course that’s where her mind would go. He’d done this to her, too. Driven her right back to that place of self-loathing. Made her blame herself all over again. “No, Em. No. This has
nothing
to do with you. Shit.” How could he make her see? Make her believe? “Please don’t think like that.
Even for a second.
There is nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect, baby.”

“But, I can’t even—”

“That doesn’t matter. None of that is important.
I’m
the problem here, not you.”

“B
ut, you’re not, Jay! I love you. You’re everything I need.” The raw plea in her voice nearly did him in. He was so close to giving in, to giving up, that he could feel himself teetering on the edge of his resolve. More than anything he wanted to just let go and fall right back into her arms, but he couldn’t. He had to be strong. For her. He owed her at least that much.

Em was his angel, s
ent into hell to pull him out. The light at the end of his tunnel. But that left him the tunnel before her, filled with nothing but darkness. A darkness polluted enough to snuff out even her light. She’d been his saving grace. He wouldn’t be the cause her suffering.

“Em, listen to me.
” Ducking his head to put them at eye level, he took her face gently between his palms. “I took you in when you had no one. Before me, you had no one. And no one since. Don’t you see? You have nothing to compare me to. No idea of what else is out there. What you’re missing. What you deserve. Things are different now. You’re safe now.” And he would die to make sure she stayed that way. He
was,
because this was killing him.

“Because of
you
.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“It does!”

“It doesn’t!
Listen to me, Em. You owe it to yourself to at least see. To give yourself the chance before it’s too late. You’ll see that I’m right.”

“I won’t!”

“Dammit, Em!” That girl could be so stubborn. “You have to at least
try
. You can’t just stay bound to me because of the past. You have to think about the future. Your future.”

“
You’re
my future, Jay.”

“That’s only because you haven’t allowed yourself to see any other options. Em, listen to me.
Please
, just listen. Give yourself some time. Take a chance. Just look around you and allow yourself to
consider
other possibilities.” The words tasted like acid in his throat. The very thought felt like a razor against his wrist, a noose around his neck. Losing her would be the death of him—he knew that—but her happiness was worth it. He’d sacrifice anything for that.

“But, I—”

“For me. Em, I need you to do this for me. I can’t spend my whole life feeling like I tricked you into loving me. That I took advantage of you when you were vulnerable and made you love me. Can you understand that?”

She didn’t. He could see it written all over her face. She wanted to argue, insist he was wrong some more—he could see that, too—but she didn’t. Instead
, her shoulders slumped on a deep sigh and she just looked so incredibly tired. Even out on the streets he couldn’t remember her ever looking so . . . defeated.

He’d never hated winning an argument more. But this was what she needed. Whatever spell he’d cast on her out on the streets, he
’d broken it. She’d see clearly now. See how bad he was for her. For anyone. She’d come to her senses and then the one thing he’d feared most since he first laid eyes on her would happen. He’d lose her.