Obsession (Forbidden #2) (35 page)

‘All what?’ I ask. My head’s still spinning, and once again I feel like everything’s shifting way too fast. But I don’t want to let him go, so I know all I can do is cling on and see what happens next. It’s not like I’m a stranger to taking a risk.

‘The club. Being an escort. Working the sex industry like it’s the only place you belong. You don’t need any of that now. You’ve got me. We’ve got what we always wanted, Kira.’

I run my fingers over his stubbled chin, cocking my head as my eyes follow their every move. ‘Things
are
going to be different, Jon, you do realise that, don’t you? I’m not the same woman I used to be. There’s nothing of her left. I don’t think the same, I don’t even
look
the same…’

‘No. No, you don’t. You look ten times frigging hotter.’

He grins, and I smile, and I close my eyes as he kisses me and a little bit of calm washes over me.

‘I don’t even know if I want the same things anymore,’ I murmur, his mouth still touching mine.

‘But you still want
me
?’

I touch his face with my fingertips, and when I look at him now it’s like all those years of regret and pain and thinking I could never have him, because of Simon; because of what he did to me – they’re all gone. None of that matters anymore. All I can see now is the man I’ve always wanted. The man I’ve always loved.

‘Yeah. I still want you.’

Even when I thought I was over him. Even when I thought I wanted someone else, I don’t think I ever did. Not really.

‘Then let’s get out of here, kid. Let’s get this thing started, huh?’

I kiss him again, and I smile, even though I’m still scared. I’d be worried if I wasn’t. But I know that I have to do this. I have to take this chance.

I’m in love with a man I didn’t think I could ever have.

I didn’t think he could really be mine.

But he can be.

He is.

And I’m not going to let anything or anyone stand in our way anymore.

Thirty

Neal

I don’t know whether to call it bad or perfect – my timing, that is. But when I walk into Bam-Bams, to check something over with Joey, she’s there. And so is he. And I think I’d have been able to deal with it if it was just her… Hell! Who am I fucking kidding? Just looking at her is tearing at my heart with an unbelievable pain. And the fact
he’s
there, too…

‘Do you want to go to my office?’ Joey asks, but I shake my head. I’m fine right here. I have to get over this. I have to get over
her
.

‘I’m OK. I just wanted to know if…’

I bow my head, and laugh quietly. Nothing’s funny, but at the same time it’s all so ridiculous I can’t quite believe it’s happened.

‘I can’t remember why I came here now,’ I sigh, raising my head and throwing it back as I drag both my hands through my hair. ‘I can’t fucking remember.’

I hear Joey murmur something to Benni, and I can’t make out what he’s saying, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. She’s here, and she’s reawakened everything I was just starting to try and put to the back of my mind.

I watch as they talk, and she steps back from him, and then he holds out his hand and she takes it, letting him pull her against him. And when he kisses her palm I feel every defence I’d started to build around me crumble. Did we ever look that in love? Did she ever really look at me that way? Or were we just two people sent to find each other temporarily; to fix us and send each other on our way, back into a world that never truly understood us? And I’m gonna have to go with that, because anything else is killing me.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to…?’

‘Joey, I’m fine, OK?’

‘OK. I’ll back off. When you remember what it is you need to talk to me about, you know where I am.’

‘No, Joey… Stay. Please.’

He looks at me, and he gets it. He gets
me
. He knows what I’m going through right now. He knows.

‘I don’t think I can do this on my own.’

Joey smiles, and he stands beside me, and he gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, and I can’t help thinking how ironic it is that her best friend is also fast becoming mine. We continue to keep links that are hard to break. But I’m not gonna read anything into that. I’m just trying to see hope in any tiny thing I can; trying to keep some kind of connection to her open and alive, even if I’m not sure that’s healthy.

‘I don’t agree with what she’s doing,’ Joey says, and I turn my head to look at him.

‘Not everything she does is perfect, huh?’

‘Very little she does is perfect, handsome. In fact, she’s probably the least perfect person I know. And after the past few days and the revelations madam over there has thrown at me I’d say she was the most messed-up person I know right now.’

I laugh again, a short, somewhat humourless laugh.

‘She’s still perfect to you, though,
 
isn’t she?’

I shrug, and look up again. He’s kissing her now, and she’s stroking the back of his neck and pressing her body up against his and it looks as though they’re making each other promises that we never got to make. We never had the luxury of time. ‘If we’d had – if he hadn’t showed up until later, given me and Kira a few more weeks together; if we’d had more time, Joey, do you think that would have made a difference?’

I don’t think I realised I was actually saying those words out loud until the last one was out of my mouth, and I know it’s a question nobody can really answer.

‘She’s going to do this whether we agree with it or not, Neal. She can be as stubborn as hell, when she wants to be.’

‘Yeah.’ I sigh, and drag my hands through my hair again. I’m done now. I think it truly is over. ‘Yeah. I know.’

‘But, if it’s any consolation, Blue Eyes, I think she’s making a mistake, giving up on you.’

I look at him, and I smile. He’s a freaking good guy, this one. I hope Kira realises that. ‘Thanks.’

‘It doesn’t make anything any better, though, does it?’ Joey shakes his head and holds his hands up. ‘It’s just what I think. But there’s no talking her out of this one. And we know so little about what really went on between those two, so… I guess we’ve just got to let her work this one out. With him.’

I look at Joey, right at him, and I think he knows more than he’s letting on, but whatever it is, I’m not sure I want to know. I think I know enough. ‘Yeah. I guess we do.’

He gently rubs my shoulder, and it feels nice. The reassurance and comfort is necessary. ‘Come for a drink, tonight. Me and Benni, we’ll cook you dinner. How does that sound?’

I throw him another, grateful smile. Kira was right about him. He really can make everything feel that little bit better, even when it’s all falling down around you. ‘That sounds good, Joey. Thank you.’

‘Don’t thank me, handsome. Just bring yourself, and a bottle of something red and expensive. We’ll see you at seven.’

I watch him go, and I’m beyond thankful that he’s a friend of mine now. I think I might need him, when Kira finally goes. But right now she’s walking towards me, and I wasn’t prepared for that. I’d wanted to get out of here, before she saw me. Because I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle being this close to her after I’ve already said my goodbyes.

‘Hey,’ she says, and I just want to pull her into my arms and kiss her like tomorrow’s never coming. Because it isn’t, for me. The days are just gonna merge into one until I finally accept she’s out of my life.

‘Hey.’ I smile, but I’m not sure it’s something that shows even the tiniest hint of anything other than regret and pain. The distance between us now is heartbreaking; suffocating. I’ve never felt anything like it. I feel like we’re strangers now, except, even when we
were
strangers it never felt this soul destroying. That connection we felt that very first night, where the hell did it go?

‘I… I didn’t think you’d be here. I’m sorry…’

‘Listen, Kira, just because we’ve broken up…’ Just saying the words feels like someone’s back yanking at my heart; the pain is fucking harsh, ‘it doesn’t mean to say you can’t come and see Joey. And you’re still a partner in The Playroom, remember? That club, you still have a say in what happens with that place.’ Except, neither of us has even thought about how that’s gonna work, in the long run.

‘I know. I just…’ She looks as uncomfortable as me, and it truly is something I never wanted to experience again; this sense of loss. I mean, Lisa, she died. That loss was real and brutal but this – this is just as real, in a different way, but no less hard to take. ‘I just thought we’d have some time, you know? Before we had to face each other again.’

I know what she means. We both need time.

‘You gonna be OK?’ I ask, our eyes finally locking, and there’s something there, I can feel it now; I can see it. The distance is closing, that connection is still there, somewhere underneath all the crap and confusion. It’s still there. Somewhere.

‘I’m gonna be fine.’

The way she says that, I don’t know whether she means it or whether she’s just telling me whatever she thinks I want to hear. But I hope she’s right. I hope she
is
gonna be OK.

‘What about you?’ she asks, and I smile a small smile, our eyes still locked, and I don’t ever want to look away. Looking away is gonna make everything final, and I thought I’d done final, but seeing her here, that’s kinda set me back a bit.

‘I’m gonna be fine, too, Kira.’

And I probably will be, eventually. People are gonna continue to tell me I only knew her for a very short time; that it wasn’t long enough to know what love really felt like, but they’ll all be wrong. I knew her long enough to know what love really felt like. I knew her long enough to know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and if he hadn’t shown up…

‘Neal?’

She’s frowning, and I suddenly realise that’s because I’d drifted off into my own thoughts there.

I drag a hand through my hair and force another smile. ‘Sorry, I… Look, I… I’ve gotta go. The club – there’s a staff meeting and…’

It’s obvious I just want to get away now. But she must realise why I need to do that. And, yeah, her expression tells me she does.

‘OK. You…’ She bows her head, and that distance is back, overwhelming us like a dark blanket. And then she raises her gaze and for a brief moment the sun comes back out, but it’s temporary. She belongs to someone else now, she always has done. She never really belonged to me. And I’ve got to start getting my head around that, or I’m gonna let myself be dragged so far under I’m never gonna be able to come back up for air. And I can’t go there again. Barry’s right – she taught me there
is
a life out there. She taught me to love again. I need to remember that, and use it. Some day. ‘Take care, Neal.’

‘Yeah. You too, Kira.’

I have to go.

I have to walk out that door and never look back.

I have to…

Kira

I can’t leave it like that. It feels wrong. After everything we went through; everything we meant to each other, everything we
did
for each other, it feels wrong, leaving it like that.

I look around me. Bam-Bams is getting on with things, just like any other ordinary day. Rehearsals are going on over at the main stage, the bar is being re-stocked, and Joey and Benni are deep in discussion, heads bent over a clipboard. Life goes on. But mine feels like it’s standing still again, just for a second or two.

‘Listen, kid, I’ve got to go meet with a mate of mine downtown…’

I feel Jon’s hand on my hip and I turn to face him, his mouth catching mine in a quick kiss. ‘OK…’

‘It might be important. I’ll tell you all about it tonight, alright? Back at the hotel.’

I nod, but I’m not really taking in what he’s saying to me. Maybe I will, later, when we’re alone, and this crazy day is over.

He kisses me again, pulling me against him and I hold on to his jacket, allowing myself another few seconds in his arms. ‘I’ll see you later, gorgeous,’ he whispers, and smiles, and yeah, my world is gonna be OK again. Later. When we’re alone and we can finally start talking about that future we never got around to living before.

‘Yeah. Later.’

His arm stays around my waist, keeping me pressed against him, and I feel his breath warm on my neck as his mouth touches my ear. ‘What you had with him, Kira – you need to forget that. It wasn’t real.’ He touches my cheek and gently turns my face towards him, and the kiss he gives me is both hot and dangerous and I like it. I love
him.
Nobody is gonna change my mind on that. I love him. ‘
I
am. You hearing me, kid?
I’m
real.
This
is real.’

I rest my forehead against his and gently pull on the hair at the nape of his neck. Yeah, he’s real. He’s very, very real. ‘I know.’

Another kiss. And then he lets me go and leaves, and I watch him walk out, give him a few minutes to jump in a cab before I head over to the private entrance that leads from Bam-Bams down to The Playroom. And maybe this isn’t fair; in fact, I know it isn’t. But leaving it the way we did – that wasn’t the way it should end. That’s not who we are.

I can hear the sound of music and voices out in the main body of the club, but as I walk slowly down the corridor that houses Neal’s office, it’s almost silent. And when I reach his office door I wait a second before I knock quietly, wondering if this really was wise. But when I hear his voice tell me to come in, I’m working on that same crazy auto-pilot that’s got me into a lot of trouble before. But if we have to say goodbye – and I think we do. I think we have to. If we have to say goodbye, it has to be said properly. It has to be final. It has to
feel
final, because I’m not feeling that yet.