Odd Girl Out (55 page)

Rhodes, Jean E., and Anita B. Davis. "Supportive Ties between Nonparent Adults and Urban Adolescent Girls." In
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
edited by Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press, 1996.

Rich, Adrienne.
On Lies, Secrets, and Silence: Selected Prose, 1966–1978.
New York: W. W. Norton, 1979.

———.
Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution.
New York: W. W. Norton, 1986.

———. "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence." In
Blood, Bread, and Poetry: Selected Prose, 1979–1985.
New York: W. W. Norton, 1986.

Rigby, Ken. "The Relationship between Reported Health and Involvement in Bully/Victim Problems among Male and Female Secondary Schoolchildren."
Journal of Health Psychology
3, no. 4 (1998): 465–76.

Robinson, Tracy, and Janie Victoria Ward. "'A Belief in Self Far Greater Than Anyone's Disbelief': Cultivating Resistance among African American Female Adolescents." In
Women, Girls, and Psychotherapy: Reframing Resistance,
edited by Carol Gilligan, Annie Rogers, and Deborah Tolman. New York: Harrington Park Press, 1991.

Rogers, Annie G. "Voice, Play, and a Practice of Ordinary Courage in Girls' Lives and Women's Lives."
Harvard Educational Review
63, no. 3 (1993): 265–95.

Rotheram-Borus, Mary Jane, et al. "Personal and Ethnic Identity, Values, and Self-Esteem among Black and Latino Adolescent Girls." In
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
edited by Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press, 1996.

Rys, Gail Summers. "Children's Moral Reasoning and Peer-Directed Social Behaviors: Issues of Gender and Development." Ph.D. diss., University of Delaware, 1998. Abstract in
Dissertation Abstracts International
58 (1998): 5167B.

Rys, Gail Summers, and George G. Bear. "Relational Aggression and Peer Relations: Gender and Developmental Issues."
Merrill-Palmer Quarterly
43, no. 1 (1997): 87–106.

Sadker, Myra, and David Sadker.
Failing at Fairness: How America's Schools Cheat Girls.
New York: Scribner's, 1994.

Salmivalli, Christina, Arja Huttunen, and Kirsti M. J. Lagerspetz. "Peer Networks and Bullying in Schools."
Scandinavian Journal of Psychology
38, no. 4 (1997): 305–12.

Sheldon, Amy. "Conflict Talk: Sociolinguistic Challenges to Self-Assertion and How Young Girls Meet Them."
Merrill-Palmer Quarterly
38, no. 1 (1992): 95–117.

Silver, Marc, and Joellen Perry. "Hooked on Instant Messages."
U.S. News & World Report,
22 March 1999, 57–58.

Simon, Robin W., Donna Eder, and Cathy Evans. "The Development of Feeling Norms Underlying Romantic Love among Adolescent Females."
Social Psychology Quarterly
55, no. 1 (1992): 29–46.

Slee, P. T. "Situational and Interpersonal Correlates of Anxiety Associated with Peer Victimization."
Child Psychology & Human Development
25 (1994): 97–107.

Smith, Elsie J. "The Black Female Adolescent: A Review of the Educational, Career, and Psychological Literature."
Psychology of Women Quarterly
6, no. 3 (1982): 261–88.

Smith, Lynn. "Hey, Poo-Poo Head, Let's Be Friends: Childhood Teasing Needn't Be Traumatic."
Los Angeles Times,
6 December 2000, sec. E,
[>]
.

Smith, Peter K., Helen Cowie, and Mark Blades, eds.
Understanding Children's Development.
3rd ed. Oxford, England: Blackwell, 1998.

Smith-Rosenberg, Carroll. "The Female World of Love and Ritual: Relations between Women in Nineteenth-Century America."
Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society
1 (1975): 1–29.

Spelman, Elizabeth. "Anger and Insubordination." In
Women, Knowledge, and Reality: Explorations in Feminist Philosophy,
edited by Ann Garry and Marilyn Pearsall. Boston: Unwin Hyman, 1989.

Stack, Carol B.
All Our Kin: Strategies for Survival in a Black Community.
New York: Harper, 1974.

Stanley, Lisa, and Tiny (C. M. J.) Arora. "Social Exclusion Amongst Adolescent Girls: Their Self-Esteem and Coping Strategies."
Educational Psychology in Practice
14, no. 2 (1998): 94–100.

Sutton, Jon, and P. K. Smith. "Bullying as a Group Process: An Adaptation of the Participant Role Approach."
Aggressive Behavior
25, no. 2 (1999): 97–111.

Sutton, Jon, P. K. Smith, and J. Swettenham. "Social Cognition and Bullying: Social Inadequacy or Skilled Manipulation?"
British Journal of Developmental Psychology
17, no. 3 (1999): 435–50.

Tanenbaum, Leora.
Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation.
New York: Seven Stories Press, 1999.

Taylor, Jill McLean, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan.
Between Voice and Silence: Women and Girls, Race and Relationship.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1995.

Thompson, Kevin M., Stephen A. Wonderlich, Ross D. Crosby, and James E. Mitchell. "The Neglected Link between Eating Disturbances and Aggressive Behavior in Girls."
Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
38, no. 10 (1999): 1277–84.

Thompson, Michael, Lawrence J. Cohen, and Catherine O'Neill Grace.
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children.
New York: Ballantine, 2001.

Thorne, Barrie.
Gender Play: Girls and Boys in School.
New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1993.

Tolman, Deborah L. "Daring to Desire." In
Sexual Cultures and the Construction of Adolescent Identities,
edited by Janice Irvine. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1994.

Tolman, Deborah L., and Elizabeth Debold. "Conflicts of Body and Image: Female Adolescents, Desire, and the No-Body Body." In
Feminist Perspectives on Eating Disorders,
edited by Melanie A. Katzman, Patricia Fallon, and S. Wooley. New York: Guilford Press, 1994.

Tracy, Laura.
The Secret between Us: Competition among Women.
Boston: Little, Brown, 1991.

Tronto, Joan C.
Moral Boundaries: A Political Argument for an Ethic of Care.
New York: Routledge, 1993.

Vasquez-Nuttall, Ena, Zoila Avila-Vivas, and Gisela Morales-Barreto. "Working with Latin American Families." In
Family Therapy with School Related Problems,
edited by James Hansen and Barbara Okun. Rockville, MD: Aspen Systems Corp., 1984.

Walkerdine, Valerie.
Schoolgirl Fictions.
London: Verso, 1990.

Ward, Janie Victoria. "Raising Resisters: The Role of Truth Telling in the Psychological Development of African American Girls." In
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
edited by Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press, 1996.

Way, Niobe. "'Can't You See the Courage, the Strength That I Have?' Listening to Urban Adolescent Girls Speak about Their Relationships."
Psychology of Women Quarterly
19, no. 1 (1995): 107–28.

———. "Between Experiences of Betrayal and Desire: Close Friendships among Urban Adolescents." In
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
edited by Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press, 1996.

Welsh, Patrick. "Bully-Boy Focus Overlooks Vicious Acts by Girls."
USA Today,
12 June 2001, sec. A,
[>]
.

White, Jacquelyn W., and Robin M. Kowalski. "Deconstructing the Myth of the Nonaggressive Woman: A Feminist Analysis."
Psychology of Women Quarterly
18, no. 4 (1994): 487–508.

Wiseman, Rosalind.
Queen Bees and Wannabes.
New York: Three Rivers Press, 2009.

Wiseman, Rosalind, and Elizabeth Rapoport.
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child's Life.
New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007.

Wolf, Naomi.
Promiscuities: The Secret Struggle for Womanhood.
New York: Ballantine, 1997.

———.
The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women.
New York: Random House, 1991.

Wurtzel, Elizabeth.
Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women.
New York: Doubleday, 1998.

Zollo, Peter.
Wise Up to Teens: Insights into Marketing and Advertising to Teenagers.
Ithaca, NY: New Strategist Publications, 1999.

It would be hard to overstate how much this book owes its life to the help of others.

From the first moment we met, R. K. had faith in me and this project. She put her reputation on the line for me, opened doors for
Odd Girl Out,
and became a supervisor, confidante, and friend. Lynn Arons, Bernice Berke, Tamika Ford, Rabbi Reuven Greenwald, Marti Herskovitz, Rudy Jordan, Eloise Pasachoff, Rebecca Prigal, Sherie Randolph, Laura Rebell, Kate Sussman-Reimer, Joan Vander Walde, Toby Weinberger, and Claire Wurtzel provided me with the critical resources and access I needed to interview girls.

Stella Connell and Andrew Mullins believed in my project and led me to Ridgewood, where I had one of the most special experiences of my life. I am especially grateful to the Superintendent's staff, C. H., S. B., and M. V.; and the teachers of Ridgewood, M. F., P. P., S. P., and G. P., gave me as authentic a Southern experience as a woman could wish to have and friendships I will cherish for a lifetime.

For reasons I will never quite understand, the wonderful people at Harcourt never blinked when my brief residence at Twenty-sixth Street turned into a six-month stay. Their companionship eased the solitude of writing, and I am deeply grateful for their hospitality. For their support and hard work, I thank Susan Amster, Jennifer Gilmore, Jennifer Holiday, David Hough, Arlene Kriv, and Jacqueline Murphy. Kent Wolf provided me with much-needed comic relief during my stay. Jennifer Aziz was a brilliant editorial assistant and friend. Rachel Myers was a superb copyeditor.

I am grateful to an extraordinary group of friends and colleagues who supported me throughout this journey. Many of them reached out to their friends on my behalf and enabled the project to go forward. I wish to thank Elaine and Lydia Amerson, Peter Antelyes, Julie Barer, Jill Erlitz, Frances Fergusson, David Gmach and Sally Friedman, Zoe Holiday Grossman, Sula Harris, Jane Hanson, Judith Holiber and Kim Warsaw, Sandra Hershberg, Kari Hong, Karen Maxwell, Rhonda Kleiner and Alizah and Elana Lowell, Ilana Marcus, Terri McCullough and Howard Wolfson, Danielle Merida, Noa Meyer, Heather Muchow, Nancy Needle, Carmen Peralta, Sid Plotkin and Marjorie Gluck, Rose Polidoro, Elana Waksal Posner, Lisa Sacks, Robert and Stacy Skitol, Freyda Spira Slavin, Leigh Silverman, Taije Silverman, Elizabeth Stanley, Linsey and Kelly Tully, Diane Tunis, Annie Weissman, Susan Wellman and the Ophelia Project, and Rosalind Wiseman and Empower.

I thank Sameer Hinduja, Jane Isay, Lilly Jay, Kim Kaminski, and Julie Mencher for their insightful comments on sections of the revised edition. Parry Aftab and Brian Gatens provided wisdom and contacts for 2010 interviews, and Jenna Johnson skillfully edited the new chapters.

Special thanks to Abdul Aziz Said and the Center for Global Peace at American University; Paulette Hurwitz, whose generous care and counsel helped me find the strength to embrace risk; Molly Shanley, a steadfast friend, colleague, and mentor who talked me down from the proverbial ledge more times than I can count; Senator Charles Schumer and Iris Weinshall for their friendship and support; Sandy Kavalier, who captured me perfectly in the photograph for this book; and Ashleigh May, Ilana Sichel, and Virginia Wharton, who provided me with excellent research assistance.

I will always be indebted to Maryana Iskander, who helped me make the hardest decision of my life and believed in me at every turn, especially when I didn't. It was over lunch in London that Jeremy Dauber became the first person to hear about a book on bullying and girls. Back in New York, on my most frantic days, he ministered carefully to my thinking and prose.

It is hard for me to put into words how much the support of my closest friends has meant. Maggie Bittel, Luke Cusack and Denis Guerin, Ellen Karsh, Astrid Koltun, Cathie Levine and Josh Isay, Lissa Skitol, and Daniella Topol are my family. The force of their faith, listening, love, and laughter guided me through every day of this challenge. I could not have survived it without them.

Odd Girl Out
would not have been possible without the unflinching support of my family. My wise brother Joshua was my comic savior and the best friend I could call twenty times a day. My grandfather Bernard Simmons astonished me with his swift acceptance of the changes I made in my life, and he immediately became a devoted press secretary. My grandmother Lia Simmons peppered my computer screen with supportive instant messages and stuck bills in the mail with notes begging me to "stop eating burritos." My Bubby Frances Goldstein is a true inspiration, and my Aunt Sylvia Brodach never forgets me. Finally, my Uncle Bill Goldstein's support has been invaluable, and my inimitable cousins Sergei and Ziggy, who joined our family during the writing of this book, have made spirited additions to our family.

Finally, and most importantly, I thank the extraordinary group of women and girls who trusted me with their stories. I continue to be awed by your courageous voices. Above all, you are the ones who will show the readers of this book they are not alone. I hope your stories touch girls' lives as profoundly as you have touched mine, and that
Odd Girl Out
makes you proud to have spoken up.

abandonment

fear of,
[>]
,
[>]
–
[>]
,
[>]
–
[>]
,
[>]
,
[>]
–
[>]
,
[>]

response to,
[>]
,
[>]
,
[>]
,
[>]
,
[>]
,
[>]