Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better… (10 page)

In spite of him, we decided to go on a night-out. We knew we wouldn’t get enough time if she were to sign into her hostel after our little date. She told me we could go over to her place, the place where Tanmay and Vernita used to stay over after their night-outs, after we were done. I had no complaints.

‘Where are you?’ Shawar asked, as she put him on loudspeaker. It hadn’t even been fifteen minutes since we had got together. I was still getting used to her presence when he called.

‘Where else? Hostel,’ she said as her face contorted with irritation. I could tell from her face she had never liked him.

‘Don’t fuck with me. I called up at the hostel. You aren’t there.’

‘Shawar, they can’t transfer the call if you call up at ten in the night,’ she said as she asked me to go on. The movie was about to start. I wasn’t interested in the movie.

‘Then show up. I am standing outside your hostel. Come to your balcony. I am not going till you come out.’

Her face contorted until it reached an irresistible degree of cuteness. ‘Shawar, I was kidding, I am at my guardians’ place. They called me over for dinner.’

‘Never mind. I will be there in half an hour. Let’s see whether you are there. I am leaving right now.’

‘Shawar, don’t you dare do that. They won’t let you in through the society gate and I don’t want you within a mile’s radius of the society,’ she shrieked.

‘They won’t let me in?
Me?
They won’t let
Shawar
in? I think you’re forgetting who I am. Nobody can touch me!’ he roared.

‘This is the last time we are talking if you come inside the society gate and I mean it,’ she shouted, feigning anger.

‘This is so fucking great. I thought I should have been angry right now. But just tell me one thing. Why have you been talking to this guy, Debashish, for hours?’

‘I don’t think I need to tell you that,’ she said in the angriest tone possible and still managing to wink at me and bite her lips seductively. God knew what she wanted. She didn’t want me to cheat on Smriti—she always tried to brush me off when I would try being naughty over the phone—but she had no problems flirting with me. I knew it was all in good humour but my hormones didn’t know that and neither did my heart. As Sean Kingston sang,
Damn all these beautiful girls!

‘Yes you do. When you don’t pick up a single call from me for days, you so fucking definitely do. Will you tell me where you are?
Just fucking tell me
.’ His anger was palpable.

‘Shawar, you swear once more and I will never talk to you. Anyway, I am getting a call. Bye and don’t you dare call me. I am going to sleep. Love you,’ she switched the call to another call she had to answer.

‘Hi, Tanmay … yes … hostel … yes … sure … bye …’ she hung up.

‘Why did you get so paranoid? I don’t think he would have driven down to Greater Kailash just to see you wave from the window,’ I said as she rejected another call from Shawar. I didn’t think anyone else would love her as much as I did.

‘First, he doesn’t drive. He has a million friends who for some inexplicable reason tirelessly drive him around the city. Second, he had his friends drive him to Chandigarh once, just to do that.’

‘How does he know about me?’

‘You? He probably knows about your whole family tree by now. I have some qualified boyfriends, Deb. They know a lot of
right
people. You are a baby, Deb. You have a lot to learn,’ she said, as she pulled me into the auditorium. She hated to miss the trailers, as she told me later.

She was the man of the date that night. She decided the places we went to, she knew the people and she knew the routes. Everywhere we went we were given privileged treatment. I loved being taken care of. She had been nocturnal for years now and knew a lot of
people
.
Everyone
knew her. It’s hard to forget a face as beautiful as hers.

‘Why don’t you just tell him? That you guys are over and you have found me.’

‘It wouldn’t be too good for your health. He is an uneducated brash bastard. You never know what he might end up doing. He is nuts, Deb.’

I didn’t quite like that feeling but I loved the way she trashed her ex-boyfriend. The
other
boyfriend. The one who had all her call details and was waiting to tear me apart.

‘So you are officially two-timing me?’ I asked her.

‘You can say that … and you are no different,’ she said poking her finger in my cleavage. Yes, I had one.

‘Damn! We missed the trailers,’ I said. ‘Have we started dating?’

She just winked at me and I stood there, frozen and confused. I had fallen in love with that wink too, like I had with every mannerism of hers.

The movie was awful. Probably that’s why half the audience ended up watching us instead. Avantika kept showing them her middle finger. Our innocence during the days I talked to her, watched her from a distance went out of the window as soon as she sat next to me in the movie. It wasn’t premeditated, and I didn’t know we would make out, or even kiss, but we did and we did it with a vengeance. Until now, when I kissed her again, I had no idea I wanted her so badly. Avantika was a great kisser, her tongue worked wonders, and so did my hands. The movie ended a little too soon. Or so we felt. We were embarrassed at how much we clawed and bit into each other during the movie. We were all over each other and it was spectacular.

‘Where to?’ I asked. I just wanted to make sure. After what happened in the movie hall, just the thought of the two of us in a room sent tingles down my spine. I had to keep reminding myself that it was happening for real.

‘I don’t think that needs an answer. Let’s go.’

She hadn’t changed her mind. My face flushed with all the blood from my veins rushing forth. The third and the last click on the door of her house set my pulse racing.

I was trying not to be nervous, more so because she clearly was not. Her transformation from a tragic beauty to a
dirty-past-devil-may-care
one had been quick, unexpected and thanked for. I didn’t know whether I liked the beautiful messy girl on the balcony more, or the girl who just blew me away inside the movie hall.

We entered her place. The lights lit up the room.

And I froze, yet again.

‘I knew they would be here! I know this
BASTARD
. I knew they would be here.’

The very next second I was ducking the savage punches Tanmay was throwing at my face. All I could see was Vernita shouting at Avantika across the room.

‘
What
did you think, Avantika?
Why?
What were you thinking? What the hell are you doing with him?’ Vernita rained a flurry of questions.

I would come to know later that a friend of Shawar had spotted Avantika and me, and Shawar had asked Tanmay to check on Avantika. Vernita and Tanmay were smart enough to put two and two together.

‘Didn’t I ask you to stay away from him? This guy is a bastard, didn’t I tell you that? He is going out with Smriti and
still sleeping with you? Why Avantika? Why? What were you thinking? You want to get back to your shitty life? He will do just that—fuck you and leave you. He has done that before and he won’t even think twice before he does that to you. And you, asshole,’ Tanmay said. He came charging at me and slapped me right out of my senses. He started punching me again. I ducked but he kept going at me until he got a few jabs right in my face. I cut a lip and started to bleed. He backed off seeing that.
Going to the gym helps
, I thought.

‘Yogi was right all along. He always said you were a selfish guy. You lied to me? Deb? You are such a bastard. I can’t believe it. I warned you a million times not to go near her, didn’t I?’ Vernita asked.

Vernita was visibly hurt. But I still feel she overreacted. I could have done without her moral lecture. She wasn’t a nun herself.

The high-emotion, high-energy drama seemed a little childish for me; it was a small price to pay to be with Avantika. Any price was a price too little. It was just that Avantika was crying now. I didn’t quite like that. Moreover, Avantika was old enough to decide whom she slept with, though I knew this wasn’t a point I could have raised.

‘Avantika, I didn’t expect this from you. Tanmay hasn’t slept for the last few days. He loves you more than he loves anyone and this is what you do to him? Lie to him? Do you think we are fools? For the last so many days, both your phones were busy. Did you think we didn’t know what was going on? Deb, didn’t I ask you to leave her alone? Didn’t you fucking think what would happen if we got to know about this? Fuck you, Deb, I can’t believe you dagged me in the back,’ Vernita shouted at me. Every time my phone was busy, she never forgot to ask whom was I talking to. I would take some arbitrary name and hope she would believe it.

‘Stabbed,’ I corrected Vernita. It wasn’t the smartest thing to do but everybody except Avantika did have a smile on their faces for a fleeting second, before Tanmay resumed.

‘Vernita, give me your phone. Let’s call Smriti. Right now.’ He walked up to Vernita and started dialling the number.

‘You are not doing that. I will tell her tomorrow,’ I said. I could have dumped her any time, but I didn’t want to do it like this.

‘Why do you think I care, asshole? You didn’t care about Vernita. You didn’t care about Avantika. Why do you think I would care about your girlfriend?’ Tanmay shouted. He spat while he did so.

‘Hi Smriti … Tanmay here … talk to Vernita, she has something to tell you,’ Tanmay had called Smriti and put the phone on loudspeaker.

‘Hi, Smriti. We came to Tanmay’s flat and Deb is here. With Avantika. God knows what’s up with these two.’

‘
What?
’ she said from the other side.

‘Yes. He cheated on you. He fucking lied to us and lied to you. Talk to your boyfriend,’ she gave the phone to me. I disconnected the line.

‘I hope you‘ll listen to what I am about to say, this time at least. This guy will
destroy
you. I don’t want you to be hurt again. It’s either him or me. Don’t ever talk to me if you intend to see him again. You have the night to decide. It’s either him or me,’ Tanmay said to Avantika.

‘Deb, it’s over. You are after all a bastard of a guy. You couldn’t even respect my boyfriend’s sister,’ Vernita said. She was crying too.

They went into Tanmay’s dad’s bedroom and bolted it. Smriti kept calling me. Finally, I answered her call.

‘Why? Deb? Why?’ Smriti said as she broke down.
Not again
. ‘What do I do now? Why did you do it? Weren’t you happy? Why, Deb? Why?’

‘I don’t know, Smriti. It just happened. I am sorry. You know things weren’t right between us. I wanted to love you, but then you were not making it any easier for me. It was not working out and you know that. Things were not the way they were before.’

At this, Avantika came and sat near me and switched on the speaker.

‘Don’t you love me any more? Please say you do. I will forgive you. Please come back. I am begging you. I will love you. I will
never let you down, I promise. Please don’t leave me, Deb,’ her sobs gave way to full-scale wailing.

‘It will be tough, Smriti. I loved you. But I don’t know now. We will remain friends. I promise. Our relationship was not working. If we don’t break up now, I don’t think we can even remain friends,’ I said. I felt the guilt seep in. But it wouldn’t go deeper; my body had developed enough resistance to fight against these situations. The friendship part had never happened, and I hardly ever cared.

‘Don’t give me that, Deb.
Avantika?
Why didn’t you tell me? Please come back. I need you. You can’t leave me like this. I can’t believe all this is happening to me. Please come back. You said we would work things out.’

‘I can’t, Smriti. Please understand. I know I have wronged you, but there is nothing that I can do now.’

‘Wronged? You bloody slept with her! Why? Deb, I am willing to wait for you. Tell me how long. When would you feel like continuing it? Give me a time. I will wait, damn it. We will start afresh. Please don’t go. Please don’t go.’

This went on for hours. She cursed, she cried, she wailed, she begged and she shouted. I contemplated going back to her, but leaving Avantika was not a choice. Eventually, we broke up. She was in tears when we disconnected the line. It wasn’t as if I was untouched by her crying. We had been together for more than six months and I cared about her. It may not have been the handsomest of break-ups but maybe it came at the right time. She would now have an answer to her parents’ questions. She wasn’t bad, I thought. But Avantika was great, sexy, good-looking, smart and I loved her. You don’t let go of the person you love easily, do you?

Avantika and I spent the night balled up in an embrace, looking into each other’s eyes.

‘So, what have you thought?’ Avantika said.

‘About what?’

‘Smriti or me?’

‘I have decided. It’s over with Smriti.’

‘And me? You think you can be with me? Do you even know whether I love you or not? And Tanmay?’

‘Yes. It hardly matters to me what Vernita or Tanmay think. As long as you’re with me. If you don’t love me, that’s another matter, but I am ready to wait,’ I said.

‘I think you should go back. It happened with me once. I can’t do this to another girl. It’s painful. Believe me. I don’t want to be responsible for her pain.’

‘It’s not
you
who did this.
I
did this. And this had to happen some day. It’s good that it happened sooner than later.’

‘But … I don’t know whether I have the strength to get into another relationship. You know what I have been through.’

‘I will keep you safe. I know it’s too much, too soon, but you can put your trust in me and I will not break it.’

‘I was expecting something more,’ she said.

‘Love you.’ For the first time I wasn’t getting anything for saying those words. I wasn’t unhooking or unzipping in a car with tinted windows. I was longing for her to reciprocate.

‘Love you, too. Thanks for everything, Sri Guru,’ she said and looked heavenwards and softly cried the night away. All calls from Shawar were dutifully rejected throughout the night. Some sixty-five of them.

I grinned the night away. I was in love! It had (supposedly) happened to me before, but it meant so much more this time.

It was 20 May … the day that changed it all.

Shrey looked around at the people lugging their suitcases in the trolleys outside the Indira Gandhi International Airport. It was roughly a two-month long trip to Paris and he was just carrying a single backpack.

‘Take care, Shrey.’ We hugged. I didn’t want him to go. Vernita wouldn’t be talking to me ever again and I would have no one to kill time with. I hated goodbyes and this was one very discomforting one. ‘Get me something from France.’

‘I will try. Actually, I am on a strict budget. But I will try and steal the university hard disks for you. Bye,’ he said as he
disappeared behind the clearance gates. He wouldn’t be back before the seventh semester. Long time. Two damned months.

After any of my relationships ended, I kicked myself for getting into it in the first place. I felt bad for the girl and made up my mind to never repeat such a thing. But then within a few days or months things were back to square one. The girl I had dumped would be smiling and I would be robbed of the guilt.

Smriti was dumped. Though I couldn’t say I loved her, it still wasn’t very easy for me. For no fault of hers, I had given her a torrid time. Not only had I broken up with her, it was a terrible break-up. I had cheated on her. She wasn’t actually going through a great phase and ditching her wasn’t very sensitive of me. I cursed myself for it but I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t intended to cheat on her.

In fact, all this time I had wanted
her
to break up with me. For the break-up to be a
mutual
decision. I hated to think of her crying.

Over the next few days, I couldn’t keep Smriti’s wails out of my mind, often pulling back from the brink of shedding a few tears myself. She was the only girl who had considered me a good boyfriend even after what I had done to her. I missed her. I missed her bugging calls. I missed her irritating messages. I missed being with her. I missed her imperfections.

But I was with Avantika now. I loved her. I loved her ‘perfectness’ more.
And I was sure this time.

I was in a relationship. I was committed—not just in words, but in my actions too. But the most glaring fact of all was that I
accepted
this gleefully. This automatically meant I was unavailable, but it hardly mattered. I was neither single nor in any mood to be so. I still loved tinted car windows, empty movie halls and the like, but now the phone calls meant more than anything else. The short sweet messages meant more. Holding hands meant more than a lot of other things I had craved for in my previous relationships.

Though it would have been a little strange for the people who saw us together. I am sure about what they had to say—
‘Shit man,
that girl is actually with that guy.’
Or
‘Damn man, the girl has shitty taste in men.’

I was way too ugly to be with her.

‘Hi, Avantika. Where are you?’

‘I am on my way. Where will you pick me up from? I am about to reach Kashmere Gate,’ she said.

Even though I had to eventually reach where she already was, we still met midway and travelled the remaining distance again. It gave us more time together; I hated every moment not spent with her.

I had come to be very dependent on Avantika. With no Shrey and Vernita around, there was no one else I could talk to. Not that I even wanted to. Yogi and Viru had gone back to their hometowns and I found no sense in spending money on STD calls to discuss why girls from Punjab have better breasts.

Where people were scrambling for internships that would see them through to great jobs, I spent my days with Avantika, trying not to think about the fact that I would not get any. I was faking my internship. Mom and Dad occasionally asked me where I intended to apply for a job when the seventh semester started. I could do nothing but avoid their eyes, brimming with expectations and enthusiasm.

Avantika saw me through all my mood swings and there were many. Sad, for I had lost one of my friends … agitated, because another was away in France … jealous, for people were gearing up for their job interviews … angry, because I was letting my parents down … and worthless, as I was letting
myself
down.

‘Hi, Avantika, what a surprise! It’s been so long.’ We hugged as we met. Tanmay wasn’t talking to her any more. But she said he would be okay and the bigger problem was his ego and not me.

‘True. It’s been eighteen hours, I suppose, since we last met. Very long. We should meet more often!’ She smiled.

‘Where to?’ I asked.

‘North Campus, where else? Oh, wait! Take the Civil Lines route. There is a deserted place there. It’s called Bhoot Bangla. We used to go there often. It’s sealed now. It will be fun.’

‘As you say, baby.’ I always hated using terms of endearment, but things had changed now. And this was one of them.

‘So where is it? There?’

Driving had become insanely tough now. She used to look at me while I drove and it was hard not to look back at her.

We reached where she wanted us to. It did look like a haunted place. It was a modestly big clock tower surrounded by overgrown trees from an adjacent park. I remembered spotting it once from the metro. Big thing jutting out from a vegetated area reminded me of only one thing. Ugh.

We climbed the fence and reached the main tower. It was locked. I was not a National Geographic lover and never did want to spread my arms and swirl around a mountain edge and try to fly. But the place was beautiful. And so was she.

‘So this is it?’ I asked.

‘Yup.’

‘I see.’

‘What?’ she asked.