Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better… (8 page)

‘What am I supposed to do, Deb? I can’t do anything. I am doomed either way.’

‘I don’t know. It’s all your fault. Why did you have to act smart and fucking tell them? We could have done that later. I told you so many times not to talk about us to anyone. What got into you?’

‘Is it my fault?’

‘Yes, it’s your fault. It’s because of you we are in this mess now. You are …’

‘It’s always my fault. Isn’t it? I came after you, didn’t I?’ she broke down and I hated it. I couldn’t bear to see her cry … ever. I didn’t love her, but hearing her cry now pained me. It also meant
she would keep the phone down, not pick up my calls and bitch about how uncaring I was to others. Not acceptable.

‘Okay, now don’t cry. Your mom will wake up. We will see what we can do. Just tell me what you told your dad. Exact words.’

‘They didn’t let me speak. They just wanted to meet your parents. I just said that we love each other and you have no problems with our getting married in the future.’

‘Okay, go to sleep now. When are they coming to Delhi, if they are?’

‘Next week.’

‘Okay, sleep now. Goodnight. Love you.’

‘Love you, too.’

I cut the line. I was glad she hadn’t asked where I was. Not that I would have told her the truth anyway. She hated Vernita and didn’t trust me with her. Especially when she knew that I wasn’t the most trustworthy of guys.

A million thoughts started running through my mind. I was twenty-one and some old man was coming to meet my dad and propose a match. This was my worst nightmare. Deep inside, I knew it would be
a lot worse
than my worst nightmare. They would accuse me of ruining their daughter’s life et cetera, et cetera. Ideally, I would have spent the night sweating it out and thinking about the worst worst-case scenarios, but Avantika was waiting, and I was dying to see her again.

I decided I would deny all allegations of an affair. I made up my mind to tell them that we were just friends and it was Smriti who went crazy after me.
I was innocent.

‘Hey! What’s up?’ I shouted as the pungent smell of alcohol and smoke wafted inside my nostrils. Hype was a decent place, never too crowded and was open until early morning. It catered to the not-so-affluent but still chic crowd, so it happened to be a good hangout place on a budget.

‘Whose call was it?’ Vernita shouted back.

‘Smriti.’

‘Anything worth knowing?’ Tanmay asked.

‘Nope. It looks like it’s going to be a long night,’ I remarked as I looked around to see sagging, wobbly breasts and flabby thighs on the dance floor. The younger crowd had decided to stay away that night and we were younger than the average age in that club by at least five years.

‘Yes, I guess so,’ Vernita said. That was a consolation. Except me, the other three could set the floor on fire within seconds. So, knowing that they wouldn’t dance tonight saved me from the embarrassment I invariably faced in nightclubs. Plus, I would get more time to stare wordlessly at Avantika.

‘Drinks?’ Vernita asked.

‘No,’ we all echoed.

Vernita was the only one who drank. Tanmay and Avantika were associated with the Spirit of Living, which forbade them to drink. And I never felt like drinking. Ever. The taste just never appealed to me and my highly developed taste buds couldn’t take the torture. I had come to despise people who drank. I was often called a wimp for not drinking. I somehow always thought it was the other way around. It was always easy to say yes … especially when it was being forced upon you by a bunch of bullies and their giggling bitches. My school days were torturous and I have never been able to move past the memories.

‘You don’t drink?’ Avantika asked. I had heard quite a bit about her wild parties before the Spirit of Living consumed her and her lifestyle changed on its head. The tattoos on her body bore testament to her old life.

‘No. What’s so surprising … that I don’t drink? Even Tanmay doesn’t.’

‘No. But he has his reasons. Guruji forbids people from drinking and we understand why.’

‘I have my own reasons.’

‘And they would be?’ she asked as she rested her chin on her knuckles and leant forward. I don’t know whether that is what she intended to do, but I was aroused. My heart rate picked up, my knees started to shake and I was seeing things in double.

‘I don’t relish the taste. It’s just so … ugh.’

‘It is not about the taste. You can’t be such a wuss about it. It is about the feeling. It’s about the high,’ she said. Words from a veteran, I thought.

‘I can do without that feeling or that high. I have seen too many people puke and regret they got drunk the night before. I don’t think I need to subject myself to that.’

‘People would call you boring. Unadventurous. Not open to experiments.’

‘I get my high from other things. Trust me. There are better things to experience.’

‘Oh! Now that is interesting … and probably a lie.’ She rocked back and adjusted a fringe, spiking my heart with her loveliness. She added after a pause, ‘Tell me one thing that gives you a better high than alcohol?’

‘Umm, sex?’

‘Who would have sex with you?’ she said and everyone at the table laughed.

‘I would agree with that. I am pretty undesirable,’ I said and they laughed again.

‘Aw! That’s sweet,’ Avantika purred and touched my cheek. Mental note to self: never wash that cheek.

‘Don’t underestimate him,’ Vernita butted in. ‘He is very popular with my girlfriends.’ It was a lie, but I didn’t mind her projecting me as she did. None of Vernita’s friends liked me and, clearly, I wasn’t getting laid. Vernita continued, ‘But the not-drinking part, I still think you are just a wimp and a loser. You guys want anything?’

‘Sweet lime,’ Avantika said and continued, ‘and Deb, I liked that. It takes courage to refuse.’

I love you, too. Can I hold your hand? I don’t drink.

‘You are a wimp, too,’ Vernita butted in.

‘Shut up, Vernita. You need to drink because you’re boring when you’re not drunk,’ Avantika said.

‘Hahaha! Whatever. Never mind. Deb?’

‘Some more of your catfight and a cold coffee,’ I added. She
cringed at the thought of having a cold coffee in a club. I could tell she was missing Viru and Yogi. They would have got the whole bar to the table.

‘I’ll come with you,’ Tanmay said as he put his arm around Vernita.

‘Don’t go, I will get them for you,’ Avantika said as she started typing out something on her cell phone. Within the next few seconds, I saw the manager rushing towards the bar. The order was on our table in a flash. Avantika was a privileged customer there.

Just as it would happen to any normal person, I fell more in love with her every second that passed. She was lovely and it would have been unfair to god not to appreciate his hard work. It’s surprising he hadn’t kept Avantika for himself.

We danced a little that night. But to my elation, the music didn’t encourage any complex moves that would have brought my disabilities to the fore. All I tried to do was get a little close to her, follow her moves, and catch glimpses of her face hidden beneath her swaying hair, as she kept twisting her neck from one side to the other with every beat. Thankfully, the swaying and shaking became tiring and we walked back to our couches.

‘Seems like they have gone to sleep,’ I said. Vernita and Tanmay actually had. Vernita was, as usual, drunk on the minute quantities of alcohol she had consumed. Tanmay had passed out from boredom.

‘Let’s go for a walk. It’s getting suffocating here,’ Avantika said.

That was the single, most beautiful thing she had said the entire evening. We walked out and sat on the stairs nearby.

‘Thank you for coming out today. I feel a lot better,’ she said.

‘How could I not have come?’

‘You’re too sweet for your own good, Debashish,’ she smiled at me.

‘You’re too sensitive for your own good. It crushes me to think that you would cry over someone who broke up with you two years ago.’

‘I loved him with everything I had. I had come to believe that
we would always be together,’ she said, her voice cracking. It made me as sad as she was.

‘I can never know what you went through, or what you’re going through right now, but I know that someone as nice and remarkable as you should never have to cry. I hardly know you, but if I were to see you cry, it would break my heart into a million pieces. I have no idea what kind of a guy your ex-boyfriend was, but he certainly didn’t deserve you. You’re perfect,’ I said and she looked at me with her big puppy eyes. I was worried I had said too much.

‘Your girlfriend, Smriti, is a really lucky girl,’ she said and put her head on my shoulder.

Yeah, right.
I didn’t say anything to that. A few minutes later, I found her sleeping. That wasn’t bad, I thought, as long as I got to touch her and watch her sleep so close to me. She wasn’t crying any more. She was sitting on the carpeted part of the stairs, and I was on the concrete. It was uncomfortable as hell, but I didn’t want to move and wake her up. I didn’t want to lose the moment.

I started to feel like the king who had endured a scorpion bite for years so as not to break a sage’s meditation. I could feel my behind tingle from the numbness. To block the feeling out, I looked at her and it was the warmest, fuzziest feeling I had ever felt. Just as I put my arm around her and rested my head on hers, she did the most amazing thing. She snuggled up to me! She purred and put her arms around my waist. It was like jumping into a fountain of warm chocolate, puppies, rainbows, snowflakes and all the good things in the world.

Now, it was definitely
heaven.
I hugged her tighter.

‘
W
hat the hell do you think you are doing?
’ Tanmay shouted and I felt shattered to the bone.

‘Huh,’ I froze. Did he
have to
interrupt?

As we had snuggled, Avantika had begun crying again. With every sob, she clutched my arm tighter, and her nails dug into my arm. I felt sorry for her; a part of me died as I watched her cry. I felt powerless and insignificant. She opened her eyes looked at me and closed them again, and a stream of tears streaked down her cheeks. I bent over and I kissed her tears away. It was surreal. I felt her pain like it was mine. I felt empty and content and sad and happy at the same time.

Seeing her cry pained me and for no reason whatsoever I held myself responsible for it. With those beautiful welled up eyes she fixed her gaze upon me, as if asking me to save her, almost hypnotizing me into kissing her again. I kissed her again, this time on her soft lips, enveloping them, one at a time. She didn’t resist this time either. I felt her tears run down her cheeks and wet my hands as I cupped her face. She melted into my arms and I melted into hers and we were one.

Until we were interrupted.

‘Let’s go,’ Tanmay held Avantika by her hand and snatched
her away. ‘TO THE PARKING LOT. NOW,’ he motioned to Vernita and left.

Avantika looked back and my heart sank. She made me hers with that little beautiful moment we shared. Those tears may have been for somebody else’s love but they found me mine.

‘
What the hell do you think you were doing
? How could you do it? Are you bloody crazy?’ Vernita shouted and whispered at me at the same time, not sure whether to be bewildered, shocked or angry. ‘Four months and Shawar didn’t even get to hold her hand. And you? You have a girlfriend, damn it! And you know what she has been through!’

If she was trying to make me feel guilty about it, she certainly wasn’t succeeding. Not only did I not feel guilty about what I had done, I had found love, too. Not that I exactly knew what love is, but it was supposed to be great and this was better than great. I struggled to understand what I was feeling. Vernita’s words bounced off my ears.

‘It just happened. I didn’t intend to do it. I am sorry. But it wasn’t just me.’

‘It was just you, fucker. She was sad and drunk. And what did you do? Use her …’

‘Drunk? She wasn’t drunk,’ I retorted.

‘Yes she was. I had mixed vodka in her lime juice, you bastard.’

‘Oh, but—’

No wonder the lime water had tasted funny. I resisted the urge to tell her that Avantika and I had exchanged our drinks because she thought the cold coffee was a better option.

Was I going crazy?
Is this what it feels like?
I hardly knew her but I knew that she would never leave my mind.

Avantika had finally taught me that kissing was more than the pointless slobbering of tongues.

Tanmay dropped Vernita at her place and Avantika at her hostel. Everybody avoided eye contact during the entire drive. Avantika
was quiet too. She was crying, softly, but not softly enough. I wished I could have wrapped her up in my words and made her feel better. I wished I could touch those lips again and have her clutch my arm.

Nobody exchanged a word.

‘Hey, Deb,’ Tanmay said as I stepped out of the car. I was feeling good till then. I wasn’t scared that Tanmay, twice my size, would beat me to a pulp. I was still stuck in that moment. After Avantika got out, he didn’t give me the time to come to the front seat. So we hadn’t exchanged a word or looked each other in the eye.

‘Yes.’ I looked back as he came and stood right in front of me. I sensed a big scene. Maybe a punch in the face and a few kicks on the rib cage. I prepared myself for pain, but it would be a small price to pay.

‘Stay away from Vernita and Avantika. You have no idea who you are messing with. Avantika has been through a lot and I can’t see her in pain again. She has had her share of guys like you. Do you get it? Think about what you are doing to Smriti. What if I tell her? Leave Avantika alone. For me, for Smriti, for Avantika. Do you get it?’ Tanmay said, alternating between being dangerous and soft. His fists were clenched and his eyes bore into mine. He, too, had been a brat once and that was evident. It didn’t look like it was the first time Tanmay was asking a guy to lay off his sister.

‘I am sorry about what happened. Don’t tell Smriti about this. She will be crushed.’

‘I won’t. Keep in mind what I said.’

He walked away. Smriti would have been broken. I didn’t want that to happen, but having said that, I really wasn’t sorry about the moment between Avantika and me. The ephemeral kiss wasn’t even what I was thinking about when I continually replayed those few minutes in my mind. Instead, it was the cry of help in her eyes and the tears that I had kissed away. I decided I wouldn’t tell Smriti anything before I figured out what I felt about Avantika. Was it strong enough to ruin me for all other women?

‘Why are you crying?’ I asked Smriti. She was in Delhi, but fortunately for us, her parents weren’t. Tanmay hadn’t told Smriti anything as of then.

‘Deb, why shouldn’t Mahima file a case? The bastard, how can he ask for …’ Her voice trailed off.

Mahima was her older sister who had got married to a boy from their community in a big, lavish wedding. The marriage ran into problems within the first week itself. Finally, after a year of enduring the physical and mental trauma, Mahima had given up. She was yet to file a police case, but she wanted a divorce and she wanted it quick. Smriti wanted Mahima to file cases on every account possible. Rape. Dowry. Extortion. Attempt to murder. Smriti, as expected, was furious and appalled by what her sister had gone through in the last twelve months.

‘Is that why they didn’t come?’ I asked her. Mahima’s husband may have been a bastard, but he had made my life less of a mess. Still, I hoped he would rot in hell.

‘Yes. They want me to decide about you. They have no strength left. Mom and Dad spend the entire day with Mahima trying to understand why she didn’t tell them before. They are blaming themselves, knowing that they placed their honour before their daughter’s well-being. They are gutted.’

‘Decide about me?’ I knew things would be easy there on. Her parents had bigger issues to take care of. I felt sorry about her parents, but they
were
to blame. They were educated and they still got their daughter married into a family that had no qualms about asking for a dowry in the first phone call itself.

‘They want to let me decide whether or not this is a long-term relationship. They want to let me choose whom I spend my life with, unlike Mahima. They don’t want to make the same mistake they made with her. Tell me, Deb. I need to tell them in a month. It’s either going to be you or it will be up to them.’

‘What?’ I asked. I wasn’t listening to her. All I’d heard was that her parents weren’t coming. Now I was more interested in checking out whether Avantika had sent me a text or not. She hadn’t. It had been two days and fourteen hours.

‘Didn’t you get me? They are asking me whether this is serious.’

‘As in? Me and you getting married? Are you crazy? My mom would kill me.’

‘You don’t have to tell her now. By the time I finish my medical studies, you will be twenty-eight. Nobody would care then. You always said we would figure it out later.’

She was right. But I was busy reliving the kiss, Avantika’s tears and those precious few minutes we’d shared.
Maybe she doesn’t have my number
. But I had seen her online. All social networking sites screamed out my number. She couldn’t have missed it.
Does she regret what happened?

‘They would care, Smriti. And eight years is a long time. How am I supposed to commit to you?’

Yay!
I had a point there, finally.

‘At least give me an assurance. At least we can try. If it doesn’t work out, I will take the blame.’

‘Instead, we can tell them that you have broken up and then if things are good between us in the coming days we will inform them.’

‘That can’t be done, Deb. They want to know right now. After what happened with Mahima, they are really scared.’

‘But …’

I was interrupted by her little sobs. Crying is acceptable once, twice or at the most thrice; after that, more often than not, it does more harm than good. Tears don’t make guys melt, they irritate them.

‘You don’t love me, do you?’ she said. That was it; I had to call Avantika.

‘Of course I love you. Let’s talk about this later. And do keep me updated about Mahima. If you ever need to talk about her, don’t hesitate. I need to go right now. I will give you a call later, okay? Bye,’ I disconnected the phone before she could react.

This was the best conversation I had had with Smriti in a while, mostly because I wasn’t concentrating on whatever she was trying to put across. I said a little prayer for Mahima.

‘Hi, Avantika,’ I said. My voice quivered and my hands shook. I had finally managed to call her up. It had taken me only a few hours to kiss her, and three days to call her up. Great!

‘Hi, Deb,’ she said. I wondered if she even remembered what had happened that night. I assumed she had forgotten this as one of her wild nights. It wasn’t a thought I wanted to savour.

‘Delete this from your call log. Tanmay will kill me if he finds out I called you. He has already threatened me once.’

‘Positive,’ she said. Her curt replies and uninterested tone scared me. But I hardly cared. I couldn’t have let her get away so easily after turning my life upside down. I hadn’t been able to think about anything else but her for the last three days and she had to know it.

‘I am sorry about that day. Or maybe I am not. It seemed right, didn’t it?’ I said and bit all my fingernails off. I was confused about what to say because her voice gave away nothing.

‘Yes, it seemed right. They still think I drank the lime juice. Why didn’t you tell them that it was you?’ Her matter-of-fact answers weren’t helping. My nail-less fingers had started to hurt.

‘I didn’t feel like telling them. After all, I wasn’t under its effect, I am sure. I didn’t have to be drunk to kiss you.’

It was you, not the bloody drink
.

‘It wasn’t the drink? You used me! I didn’t expect this from you. You filthy man!’ she shrieked. And just as I was about to slit my nail-less fingered wrist, she burst out in a guffaw. She laughed.

Did she just laugh?

‘You nearly had me there,’ I said. I didn’t quite know what her laughter meant.

‘By the way, do you think it is going to work?’ she asked.

What?
Was she talking about
us?
Why? She was even more audacious than I was. I only just kissed her. She couldn’t be serious.

‘What is going to work?’ I countered her question, just to be sure.

‘We … I mean
us
. Together.’

‘Yes … I mean I can … we can … try,’ I stuttered.

‘You’re already scared, Deb,’ she said. Her voice was back to where it was at the beginning of the phone call.

‘I am not scared; I am just confused about what that day meant.’

‘I am sorry, Deb. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am such a fool. I know about Smriti I am really sorry. It is just that I am a little disturbed, with this exam tension and … Paritosh …’ her voice trailed off.

‘I don’t mind you being disturbed,’ I tried to be funny.

‘Do you mind if we talk later?’

‘Why would I mind? I’ll wait for your call. Bye.’

And that was our first conversation. I didn’t know what to make of it until she called me the very next day.
After
five calls that I made, which she didn’t respond to.

‘Hi!’ she said.

‘Hi. Did I bug you with the missed calls?’ I asked. Trust me when I say this, but I tried not to call her after the first call went unanswered.

‘No, you didn’t,’ she said. ‘In fact, I was quite pleased to see the phone ringing over and over again. I almost answered once.’

‘The phone was ringing and you didn’t pick it up? Why would you do that?’ I asked.

‘I have already embarrassed myself enough, Deb,’ she said. ‘I need to end this. We don’t have to talk. It’s better for you and it’s what Vernita and Tanmay want.’

‘And what’s better for you? What do you want?’

She laughed and answered, ‘It doesn’t really matter. I have been at odds all my life. I have never known what I want.’

‘I don’t know what to say to that.’

‘You don’t have to say anything. I need to go. I will call you later when I am better,’ she said and disconnected the line.

I stared at my phone and wished I had said something that would have made her stay.