Of Course I Love You!: Till I find someone better… (7 page)

‘What does Vandana have to say about it? Is she cool with it? You’re going to be away for two months.’

‘She is not someone who reacts easily. Were she to discover I had cancer, the only reaction might be a frown. She is taking it easy,’ he said.

‘And you? Won’t you miss her?’

‘Naah, I will concentrate better without her calls and texts. I may get laid, too. Finally, I will be among people who won’t go into fits of moral frenzy when it comes to sex. Of all the people of this world, I don’t know why Indians are so uptight about sex!
It’s not as if we got to a population of a billion people just by holding hands,’ he said.

Shrey always acted as if he didn’t love her much, since it is cool not to be head over heels in love with somebody. Just because he had a few flings behind Vandana’s back didn’t mean he wasn’t in love with her. Yes, they hadn’t slept together yet. He never tried convincing her.
He loved her.
I am convinced Shrey wanted his first time to be with Vandana, and that’s why his flings never went beyond certain boundaries. His ideals were perfect even in their imperfections.

‘Best of luck, man! But trust me, you will miss her.’

‘No, I won’t. In fact, I will devote all my time to football and image processing. I have to read a lot too. I will try a little bit of photography, too. It’s not a tough thing to do if you ask me. A sunset, a crying child, a poor old woman … anything looks good if your camera is good. Take big prints in black and white and you are on your way. And with my modified camera and these focusers brought in direct from Sweden …’ And it went on. Nothing short of spectacular could ever happen to him, or so he thought.

‘So, when are you leaving?’ I asked.

‘In a month, I guess. Damn! I have to get a paper signed from the principal. You coming?’ He got up frantically. I was sure he was late by at least a week.

‘Naah! Vernita just messaged. She is coming here.’

‘Bye, then. Catch you later. That girl is nuts. And tell her she can sleep with as many guys as she wants to. We don’t give a damn.’

He walked off with a wave before I could defend her.

Although they were great friends, Shrey and Vernita avoided each other’s company. Shrey always had problems with Vernita’s boyfriends, whom she picked up from the strangest of places. House parties. Common friends. Friends of common friends. Even the Internet. Vernita never saw any point in what Shrey had to say and invariably pissed him off. Shrey cared, but Vernita was too blind to see that.

The more I wanted to run away from the interview and the incident, the more it caught up with me. People couldn’t stop discussing their interviews and their projected chances of getting hired. The entire college seemed to have just one topic to talk about—the results. So when the results came out, the entire batch assembled at the T&P Department to see if they or their friends had made it. I was avoiding going anywhere near the department, but Vernita was consumed with curiosity.

‘Why do you want to know?’ I asked Vernita, as she pulled me behind her.

‘Curiosity’s sake. Let’s see who amongst us are doomed to a life of codes. Not everybody would have screwed up like you,’ she said as we took the long walk towards the T&P Department. We crossed the OAT, which had stood witness to many Engifests, Troikas, INNOVAs and other college festivals, not to mention the innumerable romances that often sprung out of the nothingness that had gripped the college.

Not that I gave two hoots about getting into a mass-recruiter IT company with a sad gender ratio, but I would have loved to be selected. It helped to have a back-up placement as a cushion before you tried out for companies that offered better pay and a better role.

‘Hey, Prasad! Did you get through?’ Vernita shouted across to someone she barely knew.

‘Yes, I did. I am sorry for you, Deb,’ he whimpered back.

‘Never mind,’ I said, as if I hardly cared. ‘Prasad? He got through? He can barely talk.’

‘It is not about how you speak, Deb,’ Vernita shot back.

‘Okay, then tell me what he has that I don’t?’ I sounded like a jealous boyfriend.

‘He looks like a geek, not an asshole. He looks serious for the job and you didn’t even shave. Look at your hair. Terrible,’ Vernita snapped.

‘Oh, so now you finally get it. It’s not about how you speak. It’s about how dumb you look!’

‘Whatever. I am glad I didn’t sit for it,’ she said.

‘You would have got through anyway. You’re a girl.’

‘That’s sexist!’

‘Sexist? As if you disagree. You know you are overqualified—too good-looking to be rejected.’
You have great breasts, and you look smashing in formals and high heels
.

‘Shut up, you chauvinist pig. I have the brains, you dickhead. And I know how not to screw up an interview,’ she said.

‘Don’t give me that crap. Okay, give me the name of one lab assistant who hasn’t gone out of his way to help you cheat in practical exams.’

‘That’s easy … I mean, sort of.’

‘No, wait, explain this. How have you been consistently outscoring the strongest and the most skilful of guys in the workshop? Don’t tell me those manicures give your hands super strength. Or do you manage to do it with your brains? Just accept it. It helps to be a hot girl in an engineering college.’

I knew she wouldn’t have a comeback for the workshop retort. She never stuck around the workshop for long. The pervert lab assistants were always too eager to help her out. What did they get out of it? Nobody knew. I would rather see her bend over and sweat it out. At least there would be something to look at while we risked our lives trying to work with molten metal alloys.

‘Okay, shut up, sucker. Look, Ayush is coming. Looks like he got through, too.’

‘Don’t ask him. I can’t take it any more.’

‘Fine. But I guess he is coming this way. No. He definitely is,’ Vernita said.

‘Hey, Deb, heard about you. I’m sorry, dude. Never mind. Anyway, I got through. Mohit, too. Bye. Take care, man, and take it easy. Such things happen,’ he said and walked off.

‘Bloody hell! When was the last time he talked to us? Has he ever talked to us before this?
Sorry, dude?
As if I was dying for the job. Did he just call me
dude
?’

‘Shut up, Deb. You don’t have to get paranoid about this. Poor guy. He is happy that he got through. That’s it,’ she said.

‘Whatever. Not another one. Don’t tell me even he is coming towards us.’

‘He didn’t even give it, ass. His departmental rank is seventh.’

I hoped he wasn’t walking towards us, but given my wretched luck lightning struck me twice that day. Never did the option of killing somebody and rotting behind bars feel so tempting.

Before he could start, I said, ‘Hi, Chitiz. I heard everybody except me got through? They are so lucky. I wonder what they did in the interview. Maybe they just knew everything. Or maybe they are just young Einsteins … and NO, we don’t want to know who got through. We just want to keep the suspense alive. Do you mind?’ I said.

He was lucky I still hadn’t taken my hands out of my pocket.

‘Excuse me. I can understand. Sorry to have bothered. Bye.’ He walked off visibly perturbed after my uncalled-for rudeness.

He can understand? What?

‘Whoa! That was mean and totally unnecessary,’ Vernita said, as she hopped onto the stairs leading to the T&P department.

‘Whatever. But I can do without their sympathy. They don’t even know me.’

‘There is the list,’ Vernita pointed out.

‘Ohh! How eager I am to have a look at it. I am not coming. You go and tell me about the lucky people who got through.’

‘As you say,’ she said and left.

‘Vernita. Can we go now?’ I shouted across to her.

‘Wait,’ she said, her facial expressions were changing each passing second. Seemed like more bad news was coming my way.

‘So, who are the lucky slackers who got through?’

‘You’ve got to see this,’ she said and dragged me towards the list.

‘I don’t need to see this.’

‘Yes, you do, Deb. Just read.’

‘What? Ashish, dumbhead; Ayush, dickhead; Ankur, loser …’

‘Deb can you do it a little faster.’ She punched me.

‘Okay, okay. Ar … Az … Ba … Be … Ch … Cu … Di … what?’

‘At the end of the list, Deb,’ she said.

‘Yogesh … Zohrab … Debashish …
Debashish?
How is this possible? Okay, wait, what the bloody …’

I was numb. It was right there for the entire world to see.

Debashish Roy—
barred from all placement activities for the year 2007–08 on account of misbehaviour.

I was crushed.

The higher the ball falls from, the harder it bounces back. I was hit hard for sure. Being barred meant I would be jobless at the end of the academic session! I had almost fainted when I first read it on the board. My head had spun and I felt like my knees would give way.

This isn’t happening.

I would have to sit at home and watch every one of my fellow students lap up jobs. I would rather die. I was screwed. I had never thought it would come to this. Being debarred from placements is something that happens to others, not us.

I had been a complete ass. I let my mom down, who used to stay up all night to wake me at whatever intervals I asked her to. And Dad, too, who was in tears even after his brilliant son had once again underachieved by not getting through an entrance examination he should have cleared the first time around. I felt worse for them than for myself. They would have nothing to tell people. I would not get placed that year. I would pass out from college without a job in hand. I didn’t deserve this. I had never thought one moment that my thoughtlessness would lead to this. I wished I could turn back time and handle it better. Some fights are not worth fighting.

No, Deb, there are some companies that hold off-campus interviews before the session ends. And, NO, a call centre is not an option.

I had spent hours with my head buried in my knees by the time Vernita called and broke the string of ridiculous options and way-outs I had come up with.

As if battling depression over getting barred from college placements wasn’t enough, I had to tackle Vernita, who wanted me to come out for the night with Tanmay and Avantika. As a rule, I never won those conversations.

‘She is depressed … something to do with Paritosh. You’ve got to do this for me. It’s just one night, Deb,’ Vernita said.

‘I just had the
happiest
moment of my life. I just got barred from placements. And do you know how many people have been barred from placements in the last five years? Just two! That’s a reason to celebrate, isn’t it? Let’s do this! Sorry, Vernita, not coming. Anyway, it is very late and I would rather study for the exams.’

Our sixth semester exams were less than a week away and I had decided to furiously mug every word in my books. My fifth semester marks were the last good thing that had happened and I was dying to feel that way again. Anyway, I knew my life was going just one way—downhill. I needed those marks to get placed in off-campus interviews.

‘Please. You will be placed off-campus, Deb. That’s not bad,’ she pleaded.

‘Don’t give me that. My profile sucks. And my situation is definitely worse than hers.’

Ordinarily, I would have sold my soul for a night-out with Avantika, but that day was different. Not only was I aware of the fact that I was dumb and ugly, I was barred too … and she would know that. She wouldn’t want to see a loser like me. Why was Vernita even trying?

‘Worse than hers, Deb? Smriti ends up writing your name on a suicide note and dies or you get debarred. What’s worse? What would you pick? Tell me?’

‘Did Paritosh actually do that? Did he kill himself?’

‘Not exactly. He just bashed up three of his classmates in the US with a baseball bat. One of them is dead. He was caught with drugs, bags full of it.’

‘Where is he now?’

‘Police custody, of course.’

‘And?’ I asked.

‘And what?’

‘Where does Avantika come into the picture? The suicide note thing?’

‘She was the last person he met in India before he left for the States, after his family and his girlfriend … and a few friends.’

‘Suicide note?’

‘What suicide note?’ she asked.

‘You said her name was on a suicide note or something,’ I grumbled. Vernita had exaggerated again. I wondered how she would describe her own breasts. Hot air balloons?

‘I never said that. I just gave an example. There is no suicide note, silly.’

‘So what’s the big deal then? Why is she depressed? She can just stay in her hostel and relax.’

‘Don’t you get it? She loved him. Now he is gone. Forever. She tried to get him clean off drugs but she couldn’t. She thinks it’s her fault. She is blaming herself for everything. Avantika is a little sensitive. I know her. Can’t I ask you for this much? You’re my best friend, Deb. If you won’t help me out, I don’t know who else to turn to.’

Her emotional blackmail knew no limits.

I learnt later that Paritosh was a drunkard and had nearly flunked out of school. He loved rock music, as it was hip to do so, drove like crazy and spat blood and bile after crazy night-outs. In short, a despicable, hateful person. And more so for me. He even had half a tattoo on his right hand, half a man, half the pain. Avantika and Paritosh wanted to have the same tattoo, but he had chickened out midway.

‘Is there nobody else? Shawar? He should be the one taking care of her, not me. She doesn’t even like me. I am dumb and ugly—her words, not mine.’

‘Shawar is the last person she would like to meet right now. I am picking you up in twenty minutes. You have to do this. Just this night. For me.’

She disconnected the call before I could put up a cogent argument. More than anything, I dreaded meeting Avantika again. I was not in a mood to deal with a heart that gives up at the sight of her and a rampaging tongue that flaps around wordlessly. It was already eleven thirty and I would have to convince Mom that an important assignment was pending which could not be done sitting at home. Moms always know when you are lying, just that they don’t always have proof backing their intuition. Like movie tickets that you forget to throw away. Or parking slips. Or greeting cards.

‘Bye, Mom,’ I said, finally deciding not to tuck in my shirt.

‘Bye-bye. Did they announce the results? The interview?’ Mom asked.

‘Yes. I wasn’t selected. Only five people got through,’ I said.
At least fifty people did.

‘Never mind. Sit for others. Anyway these IT companies are biased against mechanical students,’ she said.
I was perfect.
I would never put a foot wrong. Her son could do nothing wrong. How could I tell her that I would not be allowed to sit for any other interviews?

I left.

‘Hi, guys!’ I greeted everybody as I entered Tanmay’s car.

The best part about his car was the tinted windows that not only did a world of good to Vernita and him, allowing them to fool around in the college parking without raising any eyebrows, they had also helped Shrey and me in our times of need.

‘So where are we headed?’ I asked, looking at Avantika, before she said anything and cast a spell on me.

She was looking no different that day … beautiful. Her eyes barely kept the flood of tears from running down the dried streaks on her cheeks. She was wearing an extremely depressing, dull-blue T-shirt and dark-blue jeans teamed with sneakers. Her social networking profile had pictures of her in spaghettis and skirts with junk jewellery hanging from every part of her, but those days were long gone.

She stared expressionlessly outside the window as if somebody had just sucked the soul out of her. A teardrop caressed her eye for a while, until it could no longer bear her grief and slid down her cheek slowly. The drop was so clear, so radiant, yet so full of crushing sadness. It hung from her cheekbone as if not wanting to leave it. Who would?
What would,
in this case? I caught the ill-fated tear just as it left her face. I held that tear in my hand.

‘Now, you may suffer from dehydration if you keep crying for long.’ Silly joke, I thought. She looked at me. Sadness never looked so heavenly. I wished she were sadder.
Can I slap you for looking great?

‘Hi, Deb.’ She actually talked to me. It may have been out of sympathy. I was dumb
and
ugly, after all.

Somehow, seeing her cry made me feel more comfortable. I had found a chink in her otherwise flawless armour. I had always proved myself to be a good agony aunt. Many of my relationships were rebounds. No girl in her right senses would date me otherwise.

‘Hey, you don’t have to cry. Look on the bright side. When he comes out of prison, he can sign a book deal and become rich … and famous. Oops, he already is.’

‘Excuse me?’ she said, startled, and her eyebrows made a small hill. She was taken aback and I expected that. I had seen that expression a million times. It is always easier to talk and kid about relationships than actually brood over them and not talk at all. For this very reason, people around me said that I was insensitive whenever I used to make fun of break-ups. But who was to tell them that it was for their own good. Besides, I really was insensitive. I had not been through a break-up, so the whole sense or nonsense surrounding break-ups eluded me.

‘Excused. Why are you crying? And just think how proud your grandchildren will be, when they go about telling their friends,
My grandma’s ex-boyfriend is one of the looniest criminals in Arkansas
. Now that would be cool.’

Don’t kill it. Don’t be over-smart. She already hates you. Chill. Focus.

‘Okay,’ she said.

‘When did you break up?’

‘It’s been more than two years. February 2005.’ She turned towards the window. We were whizzing past Punjabi Bagh. A string of flyovers on the Ring Road had made the drive red-light free. These flyovers, metros, high-capacity buses made Delhi much more commutable. No longer were the sexier parts of Delhi alienated. Despite the progress, women were still being raped and thrown off moving vehicles on these flyovers.

‘Two years? And you are still crazy about him? Look at Vernita; Tanmay is lucky that she is still with him after six months. I think you don’t realize that you can get any guy. You just have to point a finger and he will come running after you.’

I couldn’t believe I was speaking so much. I think it all came out because of the state that she was in; she wasn’t as fatal as she had been the other day. Or I think I was overexcited. A part of me felt like I would pass out.

‘I don’t need anybody else.’

‘You didn’t need a cell phone before you started using it. Start using me and you will feel my need,’ I said.

You can’t be flirting with her. You are a poor, dumb and ugly guy.

‘I think people who flirt in the first meeting itself are insincere
about their feelings,’ she said. Quite obviously, I was being unnecessarily oversmart.

‘Technically, this is our second meeting. And those who don’t flirt and stay shut on their first meeting, you find them
dumb
. Don’t you? As for the ugly part, I won’t say anything because I am ugly. I will not contest that,’ I said as I winked at Vernita.

‘I can’t believe you told him that, bitch. And you’re
not
ugly,’ Avantika said as she pinched Vernita.

I was happy and my heart wagged like a cute puppy who’s just found the girl who owns it. I had just made the most beautiful girl on earth smile in her saddest moment. She looked ravishing.

‘I couldn’t help it,’ Vernita answered as she looked at me and ground her teeth.

‘I didn’t mean that. Seriously,’ Avantika said apologetically and touched me on my forearm. I felt … something.

‘Oh! Then what did you mean?’ I asked as I leaned into her and fainted. Almost.
Why did I have to look her straight in the eye?

‘I mean. You have to admit. You were acting so dumb that day. You were just average.’ She had more authority in her voice than my English teachers after they had spotted a
didn’t went
in an essay.

‘You could have said
that
instead. I was so hurt. I couldn’t sleep for days, you cruel hag,’ I said.

‘I told her that you were okay. But Vernita wouldn’t take it. She wanted me to say that you were dumb. You know how she is,’ she said, wiping off her tears.

Wasn’t I great? I had just made a girl whose most loved person was going to be dead in a few days, smile. Well not dead, but it sounded more dramatic that way.

‘Yes, I know,’ I said.

‘Anyway, what are you accusing me of? Even you didn’t find me attractive. Or rather, you found me dumb. What do you have to say to that, Mr Roy?’ she said.

Didn’t that sound straight out of a sex scene from a badly written racy novel? Mr Roy … will you marry me, Mr Roy? Will you take out the garbage? Will you … Focus! Focus, Deb, focus.

‘Oh that? That was because I knew you wouldn’t have kind words for me, so why should I?’

Vernita had been a bitch. But what she had said was actually helping me blow the ice away. I was just plain lucky.

‘Okay. So? What were the real words? What did you really think about me?’ she asked.

‘You were just about average. Nothing great.’

And we all burst out laughing at the pretty average joke, but any joke under those circumstances worked. I felt like a god. A little later, we reached the complex which housed the nightclub we were supposed to go to that night.

‘You guys go in, I have to attend this call,’ I said as we stepped onto the escalator leading to Hype. It was Smriti.

I waited for Avantika to go past the huge bouncers with bulging striated muscles and through the huge red doors before I answered the phone. She had been off the partying circuit for a year but everyone seemed to know her—the bouncers nodded, the manager had something funny to tell her, and no cover charges. Avantika often scared the shit out of me. She had been the kind of person who made school hell. The guys whom I could never be, and their girls, whom I could never get, both hated me. Avantika was one of them.

Smriti never called when she was back home, in Meerut, during the holidays. So it had to be important, and as expected, I was greeted by a frantic voice.

‘What happened? I can’t hear you properly,’ I responded to her illegible whispers.

‘Mom is in the other room. There is something very important I had to tell you. I told them about you. About
us
.’

‘Told them what?’ I shouted, like moms do on trunk calls.

‘
ABOUT YOU
! I told them about you!’

‘And? What did you say?’ I asked. The last thing you would want involved in a fling
ish
relationship were parents. I freaked out.

‘I told them the truth. I love you. I told them we were serious and it is long term,’ she said.

‘Are you nuts? Why did you have to tell them? Are you out
of your mind? What did you say? What did they say? Man, shit, shit, shit,
shit
. This is horrible!’

‘What’s wrong with you? You told me that you want it to be long term. So I told them. That’s it. Why are you acting up?’

‘What did they say? What the fuck do they want right now? Why did you have to tell them? I had said you don’t have to tell them anything right now!’

‘I was feeling guilty, Deb. I can’t keep lying to them any more.’

‘What the hell, Smriti! You didn’t tell them when you slept with me. Didn’t you feel guilty then? Shit, man. This is horrible. What did they say?’

‘They want to meet you … and your parents. It was tough, but I convinced them, Deb. They are angry, but they still want to meet you,’ she said what sounded quite like a death sentence to me.

‘Have you lost it? Why do they need to talk to me?’

‘… to talk about us. My dad is extremely angry with us and what we have. But I told them I loved you and he agreed to meet your parents. It will be all right,’ she said meekly.

‘What the fuck? About us? Meet my parents? And it will be all right? My parents will burn me at the stake, damn it. They won’t tolerate another inter-caste relationship after the one Sonali almost brought home.’ I thanked god I hadn’t told my parents about the interview. That, along with the news of this affair, would have made things stuffy at my place.