Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan Book 2) (30 page)

“You’re coming?” I asked, surprised. I continued hastily, “I would love to have you there. I just didn’t realize you were coming.”

“I told Charles to send the RSVP.” Mrs. Brooks made a disgusted noise. “Men. They think RSVPs are optional.”

I wanted to laugh at how normal she sounded. There was nothing more I could hope for at my wedding than Mrs. Brooks there, happy and healthy.

“Well, consider this your RSVP then,” I said. “I’m so looking forward to seeing you.” I hesitated. I didn’t know if I should address the two things that were weighing on me, but I decided I needed to be honest as possible. “Are you okay with Logan and I getting married? I know it’s hard not to think of him as Cassie’s boyfriend.”

“We all have to move on, dear,” Mrs. Brooks said softly. “I’ve learned that the hard way. I love you, Madison. I just want you to be happy. If Logan makes you happy, that’s all I need. I know Cassie would feel the same way.”

I wanted to weep with gratitude. I didn’t deserve her graciousness but I was grateful for it. I still needed to address the other issue.

“I didn’t purposely pick the day after the anniversary of her death for our wedding,” I explained in a rush. “It was the only date possible at the church, because we had so little time to plan the wedding. I really debated whether it was the right thing to do, but the deciding factor was thinking about what Cassie would say. And I’m pretty sure she’d say, go for it.”

“I agree,” Mrs. Brooks said. “It’s a hard day to relive every year. Maybe having a happy occasion to celebrate will make it easier.”

I smiled through my tears. “Hearing you say that means so much to me. You’ve been so good to me throughout my whole life. I was so afraid that it would upset you.”

“Of course not,” she said reassuringly. “I’m happy for you, Madison.”

The conversation was going so well that I didn’t know if I should broach the next topic, but I decided there was no reason to hold back now.

“I’m planning on going to Cassie’s grave on Friday.” I paused before continuing. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Will you say a prayer for me?” Mrs. Brooks asked. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to go to her burial site yet. I know she’s no longer here, but I think seeing the physical evidence may be a little too overwhelming.”

“Of course,” I said. “And I completely understand. I just wanted to let you know.”

Mrs. Brooks and I talked for a few more minutes and then ended the call. Logan came over to give me a hug.

“I take it that it was a good talk?” he asked. I nodded, tears still streaming down my face. They were happy tears. I was so grateful for everything I was being graced with. I promised myself I would never take anyone in my life for granted again.

I told Logan about our conversation while he held me, and then we spent the rest of the night cuddled in the living room. I told him stories about Cassie and me growing up, since they were all new to him. It was a night where I honored all the amazing things Cassie had been, and celebrated the impact she would forever have on my life. When I went to bed, I said a small prayer for her, wishing her peace and happiness wherever she was. My last thought before I drifted off to sleep was to tell her I loved her.

The week flew by since I was so busy with last minute wedding preparations. Before I knew it, Friday was upon us. It was a day I usually dreaded, but this year the anniversary of Cassie’s death didn’t have the power to push me into a depression. It wasn’t just because things were going well in my life and I was about to get married to the man I loved, although those things helped. The real reason was because I could feel Cassie’s approval. I felt her presence more now than I ever had since she had died. Without the guilt and self-hatred clouding my mind and heart, there was nothing to block my connection to her.

It was overcast on Friday, and I hoped it wouldn’t rain. Logan and I made the drive out to Laurenston, since Cassie was buried at a site in our hometown. The wind whipped my hair in my face when I stepped out of the car, obscuring my view. I pushed my hair away and turned to Logan, who put his arm around me.

“Are you ready for this?” he asked gently

“I’m ready,” I said, although I was a little nervous. I had visited Cassie’s grave many times over the years, but it had been a while since my last visit. And never with Logan.

We walked through the neatly manicured burial grounds until we got to Cassie’s headstone. Even though it was a familiar site, seeing her name carved in the stone, with the dates of her life, made my stomach clench. No matter how at peace I was with her death, I would never stop missing her, and wishing she was here with me.

I saw that there were already multiple bouquets by her headstone, and I added my white lilies to the group. I kneeled down in front of her grave, the dampness of the ground soaking through my jeans. Logan stood behind me, giving me my space.

“Hi, Cassie,” I said, my voice tremulous. “I know it’s been a while since I’ve visited. I could say it was because I was really busy, but you already know that’s not the reason.” I paused before continuing. “I was afraid of what you would think about me being with Logan. But now I know I have your blessing.” I gave a small smile. “I guess people can call me crazy for believing that you spoke to me while I was unconscious, but I know that was you. I could feel your energy and your presence.”

I clasped my hands in front of me, gazing down at them. “I’m getting married to Logan tomorrow. I’ll think of you while I’m walking down the aisle.” Tears streamed down my face. “Remember when we said we were going to marry brothers so that we’d be sisters for real? We were supposed to be in each other’s weddings. Then we were going to move to the city and lead fabulous lives before moving to the suburbs to pop out a few kids.”

I gave a teary laugh at the wild fantasies we used to spin during the endless days of summer vacation. I took a deep breath, wiping the tears from my face.

“Your mother is doing so much better. I know it must have been a burden for you to see your mother suffering, but she’s really doing well now. I promise to keep in touch with your parents to make sure they’re doing well.” I sighed deeply. “There’s so much I want to say to you, but even though I feel your presence here, it’s not where you live. I feel your spirit more strongly when I’m laughing at one of Lola’s silly antics, or when I look up and see the endless clouds. You’re in all the happy moments of my life. That’s why I’ll know you’ll be there with me tomorrow at my wedding.”

I closed my eyes, picturing her laughing face in my mind. “Thank you for saving me. Not just from Kristina, but from myself. I promise to live my life in a way that would make you proud. My life has become a rollercoaster, but I no longer grit my teeth and try to bear it. I just let it all out and live life to its fullest. You taught me that.” I took a shaky breath. “I love you, Cassie. I always will. Thank you for always being there for me.”

I dropped my head and said a prayer for her, for Cassie’s mother. When I opened my eyes, I felt a droplet of rain hit my forehead. I looked up at the gray sky and smiled as it started to rain lightly. It felt like it was an answer from Cassie.

I stood up and Logan stepped forward to take my hand. He squeezed it tightly. “How are you feeling?”

“Happy,” I said, feeling light and free. “I’m ready to go.”

The rain felt cool against my skin but I didn’t rush to the car to stop from getting wet. It felt like a cleansing. A rebirth. With Cassie’s blessing, I was ready to start the rest of my life.

Chapter Twenty-Four

That night, instead of a rehearsal dinner, we just had our close friends and family come over to Logan’s apartment for a casual dinner. We ordered food from our favorite Italian restaurant and spent the night stuffing ourselves and drinking large amounts of wine. Afterwards, we relaxed with glasses of wine and lively conversation. Looking around the apartment at all the people who cared about us, it made me realize how lucky I was.

“How are you doing?” my father asked, having followed me into the kitchen. He paused for a beat before continuing. “I know it must be hard, considering what day today is.”

My father had never been able to handle extreme emotions very well, and it had been difficult for him to know what to do almost a decade ago when I had fallen apart after Cassie’s death. Despite his awkwardness, he had always been there for me when I needed him, even when it meant sitting on my bed and helplessly patting me on the back while I had an emotional breakdown.

“I’ve come to peace with a lot of things,” I said. “I’d be lying if I said today was easy for me, but I’ve come to realize that the last thing Cassie would want is for me to focus on the significance of this day. I’ve decided to honor her memory by celebrating Cassie’s life instead of dwelling on her death.”

My father nodded his head, and patted me on the back; his usual gesture of affection. “I think that’s a wise choice.”

He got another drink and gave me a small smile before leaving the kitchen, probably relieved that I hadn’t had a breakdown at the mention of Cassie. Logan came into the kitchen and put his arms around me.

“How are you doing?” he asked, echoing my father’s question.

I laughed. “Why is everyone asking me that? Do I look like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown?”

“No, I just know today is a hard day for you. Plus, it’s the night before your wedding. You must be nervous, wondering how you’re going to handle being married to the greatest guy in the world.”

I frowned at him. “What are you talking about? I’m marrying
you.
” I couldn’t help laughing at his exaggerated wounded expression. “Just kidding. I’m definitely marrying the greatest guy in the world.”

Logan smiled at me, then his expression sobered. “Are you disappointed that Cassie’s parents didn’t come tonight?”

I shook my head. “No, I would have been surprised if they had. Honestly, I’m surprised they’re coming to the wedding tomorrow. I hope it’s the right decision. The last thing I want is for Mrs. Brooks to have a setback.”

“Mr. Brooks wouldn’t bring her if he didn’t think she could handle it,” Logan said. He smiled at me. “Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.”

I leaned up to give him a kiss. “Enough talk about tomorrow. We’d better get back out there before they start thinking we’re doing naughty things in here.”

I saw the glint in Logan’s eyes, so I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the kitchen before he could try anything.

Logan’s mother pounced on me the moment we walked out of the kitchen, prattling on about making sure the bouquets didn’t wilt and a bunch of other wedding details that I had never thought to worry about. I liked Logan’s parents, but his mother was a little too talkative for my taste. When they had come back from holiday earlier this year, they had been shocked at Logan’s amnesia, and dismayed that he had waited to tell them about it. Fortunately, they had gotten used to the idea; although it helped that he remembered them.

I was grateful when Emily saved me from Logan’s mother, using the excuse that she had to ask me some questions about the wedding.

“That woman sure can talk,” she said with a laugh. “Her mouth moves so fast her lips look blurry.”

“She’s nice, but she can be a little overwhelming,” I admitted. “I know this sounds awful, but it’s a good thing that they spend most of their time traveling the world.”

Emily raised an eyebrow. “Just wait ’til you pop out a baby. Then she’ll be on your doorstep every day. That’s what babies do to grandparents. They make them crazy. Especially grandmothers.”

I laughed at her serious tone. “Are you speaking from experience? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Emily smiled. “Nah. That’s just what happened to my mom when my brother had a kid.” Her expression turned serious. “I’m so happy for you, Madison. It’s crazy the things you’ve been through, but it’s just made you and Logan stronger.” She hesitated. “Do you think he’ll ever get his memory back?”

I sighed. “Who knows at this point. We’ll be happy regardless, but it’s still strange to know that he doesn’t remember the bulk of our relationship.” I shrugged. “I’m just happy we’re at this point. And still alive.”

Emily grimaced. “You’ve had your fair share of murder attempts. Hopefully you’ll get a pass for the rest of your life on any more.”

Her statement was so ludicrous, yet so true, that I couldn’t help laughing. Logan came over and put his arm around my shoulder, asking what was so funny. For some reason, that made me laugh harder while Emily and Logan looked at me askance.

The rest of the night was spent reminiscing about old times, or in Logan’s case, hearing new memories. When the last guest had left, Logan picked me up and carried me to the bedroom.

“You’re not supposed to carry me over the threshold until tomorrow,” I joked as he plopped me on the bed. “Plus, aren’t we supposed to be chaste the night before our wedding so our wedding night is special?”

Logan raised an eyebrow as he proceeded to take my clothes off. “Don’t worry. I have enough special for tonight and tomorrow.”

I laughed, but it was soon replaced with moans as Logan showed me just how much special he had.

Chapter Twenty-Five

I woke up the next day feeling nervous. This was it. My wedding day. I had to leave Logan’s apartment early since Emily and his mother were coming over to my place to help me get ready for the wedding.

“The next time we kiss, we’ll be married,” Logan said after dropping a kiss on my lips. “Then I get to tell you what to do.”

I playfully hit him in the chest. “You must be delusional. Married or not, you don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Logan gave me a sly look. “That’s not what you were saying last night. I believe you were begging me to tell you what to do.” He cocked his head with a mischievous grin. “I believe your words were ‘the dirtier, the better.’”

I smacked Logan on the chest again, this time harder. “Don’t bring that stuff up in the light of day,” I insisted, blushing. “Especially if you ever want it to happen again.”

Logan raised his eyebrow, taking my words as a challenge. As it turned out, it wasn’t the last kiss before getting married. He made a point in showing me that it wasn’t just at night that he could make me beg. Fortunately, I made it home in time, right before Emily and his mother showed up.

“Are you okay?” Mrs. Delaney asked me, looking concerned. “You look a little flushed.”

I tried to smile naturally. If only she knew what her son had just been doing to me. “I’m just excited for my wedding day,” I explained, which was partially true. Emily just gave me a wry look, probably reading my disheveled appearance more accurately.

I didn’t have time to dwell on being embarrassed because there was so much to do. With Emily and Mrs. Delaney’s help, I was ready to leave for the church on time, with just enough time for them to get ready as well. The limo we ordered arrived, and they helped me climb in, which was no small feat with my dress.

“Are you nervous?” Emily asked as the limo weaved impressively in and out of traffic.

I reached up and touched the heart pendant around my neck, a reflexive action. “A little,” I admitted. “But mostly I’m excited. I can’t believe it’s finally happening.”

Mrs. Delaney interrupted to tell us about her wedding day. Her non-stop chatter actually helped because it stopped me from feeling nervous, although it was a relief to arrive at the church so I was spared the details of every course at her reception dinner.

I was ushered into the bridal room, where I paced nervously, since there was nothing to do except wait. Emily had gone to check on the chapel, and I was relieved when she came into the room so I wasn’t alone with my thoughts.

“How does it look out there?” I asked anxiously. “Is everyone here?”

“It’s a pretty full house,” Emily replied. “The flowers look amazing.”

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” I said in a choked voice. “I was okay until now. Suddenly I feel like I’m going to freak out from nerves.”

“I saw a bar down the street. Should I go get us a couple of stiff drinks?” Emily pursed her lips, tapping her finger against them as if in deep thought. “Better yet, I could swipe some of the wine they use for communion and we could chug it.”

I laughed. Leave it to Emily to be able to make me laugh when I needed it the most. “I’d down a bottle of tequila right now if I wasn’t afraid of falling while I walk down the aisle.” I took a deep breath. “I can do this. People get married all the time. I don’t know why I’m so nervous all of a sudden.”

Emily smiled sympathetically. “Your life is going to change forever, starting today. It would be weird for you
not
to be nervous.”

I nodded. “You’re right. And it’s going to change for the better. I just have to calm down.”

There was a knock on the door. “Madison, it’s your father. Can I come in?”

“Of course,” I said. The door opened and my father’s face split into the broadest smile I had ever seen.

“You look beautiful,” he said, a suspicious sheen in his eyes. I had never seen him so emotional. He took my hands in his. “Despite being a bumbling father who didn’t know what to do with a little girl who was probably wiser than he was, even at a young age, you somehow turned into an amazing woman all on your own.”

Now I was fighting back tears. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You made me feel loved. What else matters besides that?”

He gave me a hug, careful not to crush my dress. “It’s almost time to walk down the aisle,” he said, his voice thick with unshed tears. “I’ll wait for you outside.”

He turned around and walked quickly out of the room. Emily smiled, looking a little teary-eyed herself. “I think your dad’s about to go sob over his little girl who’s all grown up.”

I laughed, fanning myself with my hand so that the tears didn’t fall down my face and mar my makeup. “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen my father even close to crying.”

There was another knock. This one was much more timid.

“Who is it?” I called out when no one said anything.

“Madison, it’s Cassie’s mother.” Her voice was uncertain. “Can I come in?”

I walked over and opened the door. Mrs. Brooks looked much older than the last time I had seen her, but her eyes were clear and she smiled at me.

“Of course,” I said, stepping back so she could come in. “I’m so happy to see you.”

“I’m so happy to be here,” she said. Her smiled turned a little tremulous as she looked at me. “You look absolutely beautiful. You’re the epitome of a glowing bride.”

“Thank you,” I replied. I smiled ruefully. “Luckily, you just missed my freakout by mere minutes. Emily was afraid she was going to have to pry me out of this room to walk down the aisle.”

Mrs. Brooks laughed, and hearing that sound made something inside me loosen. I had been worried about her for so many years, and now she was standing before me, lucid and healthy.

“I just wanted to see you beforehand, to give you this.” Mrs. Brooks held out her hand. “I don’t know if you already have something blue, but I wanted you to have this. I don’t expect you to wear it.” She laughed self-consciously. “Now that I see how beautiful you are in your dress, I feel a little silly giving it to you.”

In her hand was a plastic blue bracelet. It was the bracelet that Cassie had worn in the eighth grade talent show, when we had both dressed up as Madonna and belted out her songs. It was one of the many times that Cassie had pushed me out of my comfort zone. Not by force, but by her sheer confidence that we could pull it off. And we had. In some ways, it only felt like yesterday that we were dancing on stage and lip-syncing, bringing the school auditorium to their feet as they clapped and sang along.

I took the bracelet, looking at it as my heart swelled with memories. Mrs. Brooks took my silence as reluctance and rushed to explain herself. “The talent show was one of the best days of Cassie’s life. Even when you girls were in high school and college, she would talk about that talent show all the time. I think she liked to reminisce about it because it had been such a carefree period of her life. She told me once that it had felt like it was you and her against the world when you girls first came out onto that stage and everyone was taken aback by your Madonna costumes. And then you guys conquered the world. It meant a lot to her.” Mrs. Brooks gave me a small smile. “I just wanted you to have it. Don’t worry about wearing it.”

I slipped the bracelet onto my wrist, next to the diamond one that Logan had given me last Thanksgiving. I looked up at Mrs. Brooks and this time, the tears streamed down unchecked.

“You don’t know how much this means to me,” I said in a choked voice. “Thank you. It makes me feel like Cassie is even closer to my heart today.”

I enveloped Mrs. Brooks in a hug, and she returned it fiercely. When we parted, she gave me a teary look of worry. “Oh no, your makeup.”

Emily had been quiet during our exchange, but she held up a bag when she heard Mrs. Brooks’ comment.

“I came prepared. I expected tears to happen.”

Emily opened the bag to reveal more makeup than I would ever need. They both helped to fix my makeup until it looked flawless again. Emily checked the clock.

“Ready?” she asked. “It’s almost time.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”

We left the room and Mrs. Brooks went ahead to take her seat. My father met us near the chapel doors, looking like a nervous father. Logan’s best man, one of his childhood friends, stepped next to Emily since they would be walking down the aisle together. Emily turned around and waggled her eyebrows at me. I laughed, knowing what she was referring to. She had already told me, on more than one occasion, that she thought Logan’s best man was hot. Fortunately, he was also single. I had a feeling they would be getting to know each other very well tonight.

We got in line for the processional. Logan’s little cousins were the flower girl and ring boy, and they were giggling in the front of the line. The music started and they straightened impressively, as if their parents had drilled into them that if they didn’t behave during the wedding, there would be dire consequences.

The doors opened and the two little ones started walking down the aisle. Emily and the best man started to walk down the aisle and then it was my turn. My father squeezed my arm.

“Ready?”

I nodded, all my earlier nervousness vanishing. I was completely ready to start a new chapter in my life.

“I’m ready,” I said with confidence. I raised my hand to put it around my father’s arm. Cassie’s blue bracelet clinked against my diamond one, and I smiled. My father wouldn’t be the only one walking me down the aisle today.

I took a deep breath when the music changed and I heard the first notes of Pachelbel’s Canon in D. Everyone stood when we started walking down the aisle, but I only had eyes for Logan standing at the altar. He looked incredibly handsome, but the thing that took my breath away was the look in his eyes as he watched me walk towards him. All the love and passion and caring that I could ever want in my life were reflected in his eyes. This man would love me until the day I died. And I would spend my life returning that love.