On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20) (28 page)

“There won’t be enough time, I’m afraid.” Before she knew it, she was filling Louise in on the details of their early arrangement, then real romance, and finally their end date. She told her what John said about her deserving to grow old with someone and how she’d hoped he would change his mind. “As much as I’ve prayed that he does, I don’t think he’ll change his mind.” Admitting this aloud caused Chelsea to begin to weep. Uninhibited in Louise’s presence, she allowed her tears to flow without embarrassment.

Reaching for her, stroking her silky blond hair, Louise said, “He knows what it’s like to be a young widower. He doesn’t want the same for you.” Louise’s heart broke for them both. For Chelsea, she could see how devastated she was at the thought of losing John. How could she not want such a wife for her son, no matter her age? As for John, there was a strong sense of pride that washed over her just knowing he was capable of such selfless love. Never had she seen that trait in him, at least not since he was a very young man.

“You want to marry him, I suppose?”

“Of course I do. I love him more than anything, more than I ever dreamed I could love.”

Louise looked at Chelsea, forcing herself to consider her as any other young woman she might give wise counsel to. She was determined to be objective, even if John was her only son. “Chelsea, does John walk with the Lord?”

Looking away, Chelsea shook her head, saying, “No, ma’am.”

“I know you know God’s ways. Is it wise to marry a man who can’t lead you in a godly home?”

Chelsea shook her head again, but this time said nothing. For as long as she’d loved John, she had intentionally pushed such thoughts and questions away, no matter how often they danced around in her spirit.

Louise had a thought. “If John is indeed the man that God has planned for you, He will only make the way when John is ready, when he can be what you need. If you were to marry now, it may interfere with the work God needs to do in him. God needs to make John His before he can make him yours.” Chelsea’s heightened tears at such words caused Louise to cry as well. “Honey, I’m seeing something miraculous happening already. I see God working in him. His willingness to let you go because he is certain that is what is best for
you
, is the first example of sacrificial love that I have ever seen from him. He never loved Tracy, and I’m pretty sure she never loved him. Instead of love, they were bound by success. The only thing I’ve ever seen him sacrifice as an adult is his life to business and others to his desire for more.

“I believe his love for you is so deep, that without you, he’ll have nowhere to turn but to God. Of course God knows that, too. It’ll be John’s first step in needing Him. Up until now, he hasn’t. He’s had all he’s needed, or at least he thought so. I’ve never known a man with so much, yet so little of what matters.

“If you were to marry him now, John may never turn to the Lord, and in that case, you would have a man who loves you, but one who doesn’t love Jesus. It would never be the marriage you want, no matter what you think or how you feel. The heart lies, Chelsea. Only a heart totally surrendered to the Lord can be trusted, both yours and his.” Pulling Chelsea into her arms, Louise admitted, “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but if you truly love him, you’ll have to love sacrificially, too. Don’t interfere with what God might do.”

Weeping openly, loudly, Chelsea felt her heart twisting in agony at the prospect of letting him go without a fight. It felt as if it would soon come through her skin. Of course she loved him enough to let him go, enough to give God the time He needed to work inside of John. It was never even a question after Louise raised the idea. It was more a matter of easing the anguish that such a loss would cause. What could ever fill the emptiness that would come? Even the thought of it caused her to feel as if she might collapse from within, so what might the actual letting go do to her?

Louise rose to go and get Chelsea a glass of water. In the hallway, she found John rushing toward Chelsea’s room. The anguished look on her son’s face nearly caused her to retract all the things she’d just said. If his pained expression at merely hearing Chelsea weep was any indication of what would happen when he let go of her, Louise was not so certain she could watch the future unfold without pleading with him to marry Chelsea right away.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Standing in his path, Louise’s resolve remained firm. “Give her some time. She’s doing business with the Lord.”

After his mother passed by, he stood there wondering what that meant, “doing business with the Lord.” Still he could hear Chelsea’s racking sobs, and his only thought was of going to her and of being of some comfort. Standing before her door, he reached for the doorknob but remained frozen there. If she was doing business with God, he better leave her alone, he thought. He moved to the wall near the door and leaned against it. Sliding down the wall, he sat with his knees bent and elbows resting on them. Whatever she was doing, he would wait.

In the meantime, his mother returned with a glass of water, went into the room, and then exited quietly.

“Now?” he asked.

“No. Give her some time.”

So John waited.

Sometime later, after at least a half-hour had passed, the door finally opened. He looked up and found her eyes red and swollen, but there was a surprising half-smile on her face. It wasn’t the bright smile he was accustomed to seeing, but at least she was no longer crying. Finding him sitting there seemed to cause it. When she stepped over him and slid down the wall to sit next to him, he asked, “What can I do?” He didn’t have to ask why she was crying.

Reaching for his hand, Chelsea laced her fingers through his. “Believe it or not, I’m okay. I needed a good cry, but now I’m better.”

John lifted her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckle. Looking into her big brown eyes, he whispered, “I love you so much it hurts.”

“I know, and I love you, too.” It was just as Louise said; God confirmed it in her spirit as she cried out to Him in prayer. She had to let John go. Finally, knowing it was what was best for him, she would be able to do it. Just as he was willing to let her go to give her a future, she was willing to let him go so that he might find what he needed most, more of God than he currently possessed. After that, she had to believe He would bring them back together.

C
helsea and John had been back in L.A. for just under two weeks. The winter semester had already begun, so Chelsea was covered up with schoolwork. Each night she and John spent the evening together at her place, working side by side. Since they returned, he had left work no later than six any night. As soon as he was done, he would drive to her house and they would cook dinner together. This night, though, they went out to dinner and to a reception that John was obligated to attend.

Afterward, John drove out to Santa Monica and they walked along the pier. He seemed different and had since he picked her up earlier in the evening. Quieter than usual, he was also more affectionate than she’d ever seen him. All throughout the evening he touched her hair and caressed her bare shoulders. Rarely was he involved in conversation with guests at the reception, no matter how many people tried to capture his attention. His only focus seemed to be her. She reached for his hand, saying, “You’re out of sorts tonight.”

They had stopped and were leaning against the railing overlooking the beach. It was early enough that the pier was packed with people. Banners along the railings indicated there was some sort of festival there earlier, and tons of people were still milling around, filled with excitement. It wasn’t exactly the quiet and romantic atmosphere he’d hoped for. He wanted to be alone with Chelsea but not really alone. Since he’d picked her up earlier in the evening, he could hardly keep his hands off her. Always she was beautiful, and always he desired her, but there was something different this night. With such deep longing in his heart, he could hardly trust himself to be alone with her at the condo. Though he
would never try to get her into bed, he still felt it best not to be completely alone. It was safer that way.

Leaning down, he pressed his lips to her cheek, just below her ear. She was wearing his jacket draped over her shoulders; he found it helped to have her bare shoulders covered. With her in that little black cocktail dress, from the moment he saw her, he felt exactly as she described, out of sorts. On most occasions, he easily held himself in check, but some nights, he found he could think of little else but holding and kissing her. Grinning, he confessed, “I feel a bit crazy tonight.”

“Crazy?”

With her looking up at him so innocently, for a moment John could hardly speak. Finally, he whispered, “You make me crazy.” Leaning down, he first kissed her cheek then gently trailed kisses to her lips. Sliding one hand behind her neck and the other around her waist, he drew her nearer and slowly and passionately began to kiss her. Lifting his head, breathless from the feel of her lips on his, he rested his forehead on hers. “It’s a rare moment when I feel I can hardly control myself around you. This is one of those moments.”

When he moved his fingertips to trace along her face, she reached for his hand and found it was trembling. John halfway blushed at the fact that she discovered him shaking; she moved his hand to her lips and kissed it. Looking into his eyes, she thought she caught a glimpse of what he was talking about. Never had she seen such longing in them. It seemed nearly painful for him. She had a sense, there in that moment; no one could ever possibly look at her that way again. Without him, she would never know this kind of love again.

For quite a bit longer they stayed on the pier. Once he told her he didn’t dare come up to her place, she knew that when they left the pier, she would have to let him go for the evening. So instead, hoping to extend their time together, they shared a soda and walked barefoot on the cool sand. Neither was in hurry to leave, so they simply walked and talked about little things.

Eventually, they sat together on the deserted beach. He watched as she dug her feet into the sand and began to cover them with more sand. There she was, looking so refined in that dress, yet humming softly
as she played, a fusion of alluring woman and innocent child. Turning toward him, she kind of flipped her hair and grinned up at him, and instantly, he was set ablaze. He scooped her over onto his lap, and buried his face in her neck, hoarsely whispering, “I need you.” His heart burned so intensely he could hardly catch his breath. He’d never needed anyone or anything more than he needed her in that moment. There was a deep and penetrating emptiness he felt that he knew only she could fill, as if without her, he’d collapse within.

He began to caress her, stroking her neck and cheek. Her skin was soft and smooth beneath his fingertips. She was so beautiful, and he loved her so much, he could hardly imagine never knowing what it would be like to make love to her, to feel her skin against his. It was at that thought he leaned in to kiss her, and the touch of her lips against his caused his mind to think crazy thoughts, ones unconcerned with consequences. The longer they kissed, the more intense the moment became. His heart was thudding painfully against his chest and every muscle in his body felt tight and rigid. It was all he could do to maintain any sense of control. Each time he allowed his hand to travel further than he’d ever dared to go, he forced himself to withdraw it again, to move it to her back or face. It was a battle he was beginning to lose though; he felt himself falling deeper into her. What was right or wrong was becoming blurred. As he trailed his lips along the smooth skin of her neck, all his mind and body could reason was that what he truly needed, the one thing that could end the torturous longing he felt, was there in his arms.

When he moved to lay her on the sand, the way she clung to him and whispered his name caused him to pause for a moment and look at her. He could hardly read her expression, so for a minute more, he hovered there over her, wondering what she was feeling. She trusted him fully. That was what he finally noted in her expression. She had no fear of going too far because he’d committed to her they never would. Once, he’d even gone as far as to assure her she was safe with him. If only she knew what was really bubbling beneath the surface of him in that moment; that trust would be broken. Finally, he rolled over onto his back and groaned. Taking several deep breaths, his heart began to slowly fall back into a normal rhythm.

Coming to rest on her elbow, she giggled. “I’ve never seen this side of you.” Maybe she caught a glimpse of this in New York, but it was nothing compared to tonight.

Laughing at himself, he said, “I feel like I’m seventeen again.”

“I think I like this side of you.” Chelsea sensed the battle raging within John. He’d never shown as much longing for her as she just witnessed. Almost always, he showed such restraint that things had never gone as far as they just had. He really was like a groping teenager.

Propping himself up on his side, he sighed in frustration, then reached for her and pulled her nearer to him. “Just let me hold you.” When she snuggled in next to him, he sighed again. He would resist kissing her. He knew better.