On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20) (31 page)

“They both dropped out of school and moved back to his parent’s farm. That was when my granddaddy convinced me that leaving town, getting as far away from Tuck as possible, would be the best thing for me. He was right. So I came here.”

As long as he’d known Chelsea, John wondered. For her to move across the country to run from it, he knew it must have been heartbreaking.
But he never figured it would be a story that would make him feel half-sorry for the guy. One stupid decision and he lost Chelsea for good.

The words
for good
caused him to deliberate. If Tuck traveled to see her, he was obviously no longer with Lindsey. Since Chelsea had already said she would be moving back home after graduation, John had to wonder if there was a chance for them. What a remarkable ending they might have after so many years apart. While the thought of her with someone else tore him apart inside, the idea that she might possibly find love again was one that gave him unexpected relief. Wasn’t that what he wanted for her, to be with someone she could love and grow old with? In that moment he was again reassured that stepping out of her life was truly the best that he could give her. It would ensure her future, maybe even with Tuck.

As they walked back to the house, Chelsea felt such a tremendous sense of relief. In five years, she had not spoken of those times at all. When she was at home with her family, it was never discussed. At school, no one knew. They simply thought she was some weird bookworm who wasn’t interested in guys. For those first few years, she hardly looked up from a book because she knew she might have to face the pain of her loss. But after about three years, the heartbreak faded somewhat, and by the fourth, she was at least able to think back to their time together without crying. Always, even when it hurt the most, she knew he did the right thing, and in hearing about his love for his daughter that was confirmed.

Finally in eyesight of the house, John asked, “Can we sit here for a while?” It was cold, so when they sat, he pulled her to sit in front of him and he wrapped his arms around her, snuggling her into his chest. He thanked her for trusting him enough to tell her story. For a while they talked about Tuck and then other things, as usual avoiding any mention of their future. Bearing in mind the loss of her first love, John felt the weight of responsibility and regret that she would have to once again let go of someone she loved. And he had no doubt, if ever he was loved, the woman in his arms loved him. What they shared was the sweetest, purest love imaginable, but one doomed from the very beginning by decades of life lived and life yet to be lived. It was not lost on John, that
just as she had with Tuck, she would have to walk away when given no other option.

For a while, they sat quietly, until John blurted out, “She died of an overdose of painkillers not the cancer.”

Chelsea sat looking out at the rolling waves. Leaning against his chest, she could nearly feel the sadness radiating from him at such an admission. As dreadful as losing a wife to cancer would be, she had to suppose an overdose may have been worse. To know her death was intentional caused Chelsea to shiver. What a tragic end for his marriage. It was no wonder at all that he’d run from love for so many years.

“When she was first diagnosed, we were given pretty optimistic odds. She went through treatment, had the mastectomy, and then reconstructive surgery. From what they said, she seemed to have beaten it. It was at her six week check-up that they found the cancer may have spread, and when the tests came back, the outlook was pretty grim.

“For some reason, all along, I just knew everything would be okay. With the best doctors and the best hospital, I thought I could buy her well. Truthfully, I never even considered things would take a turn for the worse like they did.” He hesitated, guilt creeping up, causing him to feel that sick feeling he felt when he first found her. “I wasn’t there for her like I should’ve been. I mean, sure, I was there when she had surgery and even for many of her doctor’s visits, but I was never really
there
. You know? I was so consumed by work and building the company, that I mostly considered her illness an inconvenience.” Realizing how heartless his admission must sound, he assured her, “I’m not that man anymore, Chels.”

“I know you’re not.” His arms were wrapped around her and her hands rested on his forearms. Rubbing them gently, she wished only to comfort him. Chelsea could only imagine the guilt he’d carried over the years. The fact that he’d worn his wedding ring up until the fall confirmed the burden he carried. Clearly, he blamed himself.

“When she found out the cancer had spread, I was out of town. She called, and I told her I would be home as soon as I could. That wasn’t for two more days. By the time I arrived home, she’d been dead for nearly twenty four hours.”

Sighing, he said, “She was different than you. There was this level of detachment about her, something we both had, I suppose. I guess I didn’t think she needed me. Of course she needed me. She was dying.” There was no way to determine if her overdose was intentional or accidental, but deep down, John believed she couldn’t face what she knew to be her future and do it alone.

Chelsea’s heart broke for Tracy. She could remember the early weeks with John, how he was constantly distracted. Even when he was there with her, his thoughts were usually elsewhere. What must it have been like to be a wife and have a husband like that? What must it have felt like to know you were dying and that your husband cared so little that he didn’t even catch the first flight home? That was the man Chelsea first met, but John was no longer the same. Her accident proved that his concern for her far outweighed his business.

“I know it was my fault. I’ve known every moment since I found her.”

Turning to face him, Chelsea caressed his face, offering, “I am so sorry. I’m sorry for her and for you.”

“After she died, I just shut down. I was overcome with guilt. The idea of her doing something so extreme, so drastic, nearly drove me out of my mind. For a while, I spent a lot of time in Montana. Not with my folks but alone in my house there. By the time I returned to L.A., I was so numb and liquored up that I became someone I’m far from proud of.” He reached for her hand and held it. “For a long time, there was a string of nameless, faceless women who came in and out of my life.
Disposable
, that’s the only word I can use to explain how I treated them. Like you said I made you feel, that was what I did to each and every one of them.” He sighed, ashamed to admit such things to her. “A few years ago, something happened that made me take a long look at who I’d become. There was a woman who was really hurt because of me, and when she called, sounding so desperate, I could do nothing but envision Tracy lying there on the bed, pale and rigid. During that phone call, I realized the way I was treating her could cause greater harm than I even knew. I was terrified she would hurt herself. It all worked out okay, but immediately after that, I changed that part of my life.

“This, us, it’s not about her. Tracy, I mean. Early on I was afraid I would always be that man and treat you the way I treated her, but now I know that’s not true. You’ve made me a different man. Chelsea, I love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being. That’s the truth. And because I do love you, I have to walk away from this.” She began to protest, but he continued, “I was looking at my dad when we were there. Do you realize that when you’re my age, I’ll be that old?” Thinking about how his dad had changed, he said, “His eyes are faded and he has little energy anymore. Just a few years ago, he had the strength and stamina of ten men. Now, he sits around and eats and watches game shows. That’s my future.

“At forty-nine, I still want to travel and live life. I imagine that’s how I’ll feel for many years to come. That’s where you’ll be at forty-nine. Consider, though, being my age and having someone my dad’s age to care for. I refuse to do that to you. It may not seem like a big deal to you now, but then it will be. You’ll still be a young beautiful woman, and I’ll be a withering old man. And it’s not as if my mind will be gone. No question about it, I’ll be aware of what a drain I am on you. I don’t want to finish out my years feeling guilty for loving you too little to walk away. Believe me when I say I’ve lived enough of my life consumed with guilt. I’ve been so selfish that I destroyed my wife. I don’t want to be that man. Help me be different by letting me walk away.”

She slid her arms around his neck and held on as tightly as she could. Heart breaking, feeling nearly crushed under the weight of what she knew to be their future, Chelsea committed to herself right then that she would give him what he needed. As much as she wanted to plead with him, to assure him she would love him until his dying breath, she didn’t. At that moment Louise’s words rang in her head.
John was learning to love sacrificially, proof that God was already doing a mighty work within him
. If she did anything to interfere, she might possibly hinder the work God wanted to do in John. Fully comprehending what her love for him would require, she said, “I’ll do whatever you ask.”

For the remainder of their time at the beach, there was a peace between them that had never been so present before. Both were grieved
at the prospect of letting go, knowing April would arrive sooner than either would like, but each finally conceding that the separation was what had to happen. For John, the expectation was that it would be forever. For Chelsea, her hope remained that they would have their someday. It was what she prayed, no matter what she knew to be John’s intentions. Her determination was to make their final months together so vital to him, that once they were apart, out of desperation, he would do exactly as his mother anticipated, and turn to God. Occasionally, she reminded herself of all the variables that would have to align for her hope to become reality, but since she sought God as she did that afternoon in Montana, her faith was stronger than it had ever been. In her heart, her hope was secure. She came away from that time certain that God had given her a promise, and that promise was to be with John forever, or for at least as long as they both lived.

Early Sunday morning, they left Malibu in time to make it to church. Without Chelsea even inviting him, John volunteered to go. Even though he knew that pleased her, in truth, his sole motivation was in being with her. Knowing their time would soon come to an end, he was determined not to miss one opportunity to be with her. No matter what that looked like for his business schedule, in the months to come, he would plan all things with her in mind. Chelsea would be the center of his world for as long as she was his.

I
n the months to come, they each held on to every moment, every opportunity to love. John worked less than he ever had, and Chelsea took every occasion to ensure that he would only love her more. Their lives together had become so utterly perfect, that they both knew, when the time to walk away came, there would be a gaping hole in each of their lives. Neither had any misconceptions of what their futures would look like apart. Still, it was not something they discussed openly, as both knew what needed to be done.

The winter semester came to an end, and prior to the spring semester beginning, they took that opportunity to travel. Flying first to John’s house in Hawaii, they stayed only a few days before deciding to go back to Malibu. For both of them, his home there felt more intimate. It was
their
place. Though John never mentioned it to her, he’d never had a woman there with him at his beach house, so there were no memories to evade while he was there with Chelsea. He couldn’t say the same about any of his other homes. While together at the beach, he felt more at peace than any other place on earth. Once he had to let her go, he imagined it would be where he would spend the most time grieving. How depressing it was to already be choosing his place to mourn her loss.

Every week since the new year began, John went with Chelsea to church. As much as she was thankful he went, she knew his heart had yet to connect with what was being offered to him. She sensed it. While he listened intently to every sermon, there was a glazed-over expression on his face. She sensed that he still lacked the faith to believe he could ever really know God, at least beyond the point of salvation. The weeks she sang, she knew he could have been no prouder of her.
During the week leading up to her solo, he would insist she practice with him there. Usually, he would sit right there on the bench with her while she played. It seemed to be his favorite pastime, listening to her play. Every song she sang to the Lord, but always with the hope that the floodgates of John’s heart might finally be opened. As she sang she prayed that the words would somehow trickle into John’s heart like fresh rain. Nothing seemed to be able to penetrate his heart, at least not the things of God.

Early April was upon them, and it was the day before Chelsea’s birthday. When John asked what she would like to do, her only request was that they fly out to see his parents. She realized that it was possibly her last opportunity to talk to Louise. Leaving after her final class on Friday, they were at the ranch by evening time. For both Chelsea and Louise, it was a bitter-sweet time together. Hoping and praying that God would intervene in John’s life, Louise assured Chelsea that she was indeed doing the right thing in letting him go. They once discussed the fact that if Chelsea were to try to talk John out of ending the relationship, he just might be persuaded. He loved her enough to walk away, but he also loved her too much to allow her pleas to go unanswered. Not once did Chelsea make such a request, though. Waiting for an end that she could possibly prevent was the most difficult thing she had ever experienced. It was in her weakest moments that she had to remind herself that in order to truly love him; she would have to let him go.