One Foot in the Grove (11 page)

When I was a little girl, I thought Boone Beasley looked like a pig. And, I admit, I still thought of him that way. With beady eyes, a stout nose, and puffy pink cheeks, he wore khaki pants and a chambray shirt, bursting at the buttons so much that it showed his yellowed tee shirt underneath.

The butcher handed my sister a large string-tied package wrapped in brown paper. He didn't seem fazed a bit by the silk scarf wrapped around her head. Or by Pep, in all her goth gloriousness. Or by Precious, the Herculean woman in an apron, ducking through doorways and clomping around the kitchen in four-inch yellow Louboutins.

“Here's your order, Missus Bouvier—oooh, isn't that a pretty scarf you're wearing! I've added some of my special spiced low-fat sausage that y'all like so much.”

“Why, thank you for the delivery, Boone. I so appreciate it!” Daphne accepted the package.

Boone Beasley had been the only butcher in Abundance County for as long as I could remember. I used to go to his shop downtown when I was a little girl. First with my
mother, then later with Auntie Ella. We'd go several times each week to purchase the freshest, best cuts of meat.

“Precious, can you deal with this, please?” Daphne handed the wrapped meat to Precious.

“Sure can, ma'am.” Precious hustled to the far end of the kitchen to unwrap and inspect the goods.

“Say!” said Boone with a smile. “Y'all must be quite frightened, knowing there's a murderer running around here! Everyone in town is talking about it! Do you have a gun to protect yourselves? Can't be too careful these days.”

Before Daphne could answer, the butcher turned to me.

“Why, Miss Eva! Folks said you were back. I haven't seen you since you were a child. You're just as lovely a woman as your father said you were. You remind me of your mother—oh, perhaps I shouldn't have said that?”

“No, it's fine, Mister Beasley. Thank you.”

My mother had run off and left Abundance for who-knows-where when I was a small child. I was long over being sensitive about it. I plopped the ice baggie from my ankle on the table and raised myself up from the chair to face the butcher. He kept talking.

“I've been seein' your pretty picture in the
Supermarket Stargazer
. And I saw you on TV! What's the name of that new show? Oh yes,
Celebrity Screwups
! Sorry about all your troubles lately. I just want y'all to know that I've been payin' no mind to what folks in town are sayin' about you.”

“Thanks, Mister Beasley,” I said. If that wasn't a backhanded compliment, I don't know what was. But it only got worse.

“So,” Boone Beasley continued, “who killed the man in your daddy's olive grove? Was it you? I heard that someone found you layin' right there on the ground next to him, right by the lightnin' fire! Tell me watchya know! Folks in town are just all abuzz about it.” He took a breath and turned to Daphne. “Tammy Fae Tanner said it was a love triangle.” Then he turned back to me. “I heard he was the plantation's field guide. Was the man your secret lover? Your ‘rebound'
guy after you dumped that Boston weatherman? Or, since he wasn't from around here, did y'all know the dead fellow before comin' back home? We were thinking that you and your lover get caught by the other woman.” He turned to Daphne. “Wasn't she your cook?” He turned back to me. “Before she shot him. Or did you let 'em have it yourself? Did you catch the two of
them
together?”

Boone was gushing with excitement. His face was all red, and he looked like he might pop.

Daphne forced a polite laugh. “Oh, Boone, you have such a naughty sense of humor!”

Tina Turner's song “Simply the Best” blared from the countertop. Precious reached over and picked up her cell phone, cased in gold sparklies.

“Hello?” Precious turned away and mumbled to someone on the other end of the line.

“Mister Beasley always entertains me,” said Pep with a big smile. She popped a couple of blueberries into her mouth.

“Huh-huh,” said Precious into the phone.

I crossed to the sink to wash my hands and face, thinking Boone would get the hint and stop asking his ridiculous questions. No such luck.

“Why, I'm not tryin' to be funny,” said Boone. “People in town want to
know
what happened. Of course, since I was coming out here, I said I'd speak to y'all and let folks know what happened. Kind of gettin' it straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.”

“Y'all don't say!” Precious chimed into her phone.

Boone Beasley chortled and put his arm on my elbow. Shutting off the faucet, I turned to face him. He leaned in close and gushed, “Tell me, he
was
your illicit lover, wasn't he? He followed you here from up North, didn't he?”

I smelled alcohol on his breath. Still, was this guy kidding? I felt my cheeks flush. Daphne slid his arm away from mine and stepped in between us.

“Oh, don't be silly, Boone,” she said cheerily. “Why,
everyone
knows that Eva is a lesbian!”

“What?” I turned to stare at Daphne.

Precious spun around and stared, making little choking noises. “I gotta go,” she stammered quickly into her cell phone, before tossing it on the counter. Pep just kept popping blueberries into her mouth, her gray eyes twinkling.

There was a knock on the dining room door.

“Excuse me,” said a woman's bedroomy voice. “I have a question.” The door opened a crack, and our guest Bambi peeked in.

“Please, Missus Gambini, do come in,” said Daphne. She cleared her throat.

The door swung open, and we were faced with ginormous batwing eyelashes, puffy pink lips, and boobs so about to pop that they looked ready for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Bambi's unnaturally blonde hair was loosely piled on top of her head. It looked like a lopsided bird's nest. Boone Beasley's mouth dropped open.

“I'm sorry to intrude,” she said in her sultry voice. “I was wondering, is there somewhere in town I could get my hair and nails done?”

“Y'all can get your hair and nails done at Shear Southern Beauty on Main Street,” said Daphne with a smile. “The owner is Tammy Fae Tanner. She'll take good care of y'all.”

“Oh yes! Miss Tammy Fae is a whiz with hair!” gushed Boone, still bug-eyed. “I should know—my shop is right next door to her salon. And she's
so
much fun to talk to . . . She knows absolutely everything about
everyone
in town!” Boone winked at me.

Boone sounded enamored with Tammy Fae. I couldn't imagine her putting up with the porky butcher. On the other hand, they both loved gossip mongering. And she was probably always eager to have the ear of anyone who would listen. With his shop next door to hers, he was a sitting duck.

“Thanks!” Bambi said to Boone. Then to me, “Maybe she can take me this evening.”

“She has very flexible hours,” I said. “Please, make sure you tell Tammy Fae that her
good friend
, Eva Knox, sent you to see her.”

Pep stared at me with an amused expression as she hand washed a serving platter at the sink.

“Okay. I'll be sure to tell her that you sent me.” Bambi pushed her hair up before yelling over her shoulder, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Is there a spa or someplace that does Botox?”

“Botox?” Daphne, Pep, Boone, and I all said the word at the same time.

“No Botox in these parts, deary,” shouted Precious from the other side of the kitchen as she rewrapped the meat. “Y'all gotta go to Thomasville or Valdosta for that kinda stuff.”

“Oh. I see.” Bambi pursed—or tried to purse—her puffy lips as she tried to furrow her creaseless brow. I think it was her pout face, but her expression looked the same as it always did, like a sad blowfish who'd spent too much time at the makeup counter. Then she said, “Darn. I was kind of hoping for a little filler. Thanks anyway.”

“You're welcome,” said Daphne. “Please tell folks breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.”

“Okay. We'll be in the living room.”

Bambi blew us a kiss—easy for her, because her lips were permanently positioned that way.

“If you ask me, that gal has had more than her share of filler already.” Precious chuckled.

“Precious!” Daphne sighed.

“Ladies, it's been lovely,” said Boone. “I must run.” He blinked several times, almost as if he had a nervous tick. “Miss Pep, as always, you look stunning, I might add.”

“Thank you.”

“My bill is in the package.” He tried to smile, except he looked like a man who was out of practice.

“Got it right here,” called out Precious.

The butcher looked expectantly at Daphne. But he'd made her mad, with all his impudent questions. I knew there was no way he'd get paid that day. Daphne would make him wait. And she was such a good customer he'd not dare to ask for immediate remittance.

“We'll have it in the mail first thing tomorrow,” said Daphne curtly. “And I do thank you for bringing the order over today. It will give us a big jump-start on preparations for the important Chamber of Commerce meeting we're hosting tomorrow.”

“Always happy to have your business, Missus Bouvier. Ladies, have a nice day.”

Boone Beasley turned up the corners of his mouth and puffed out his chubby cheeks. He waved to Daphne, Pep, and Precious and avoided my gaze before walking out the door.

I whirled to face Daphne.

“What the hell were you thinking? I'm not a lesbian and you know it!”

“I'm sorry, Eva,” said Daphne. “I don't know what got into me. Boone Beasley just ruffled my feathers, talkin' to you like that, speculating and suggesting terrible things! I had to say
something
to stop him. It just came out.”

Precious was laughing. “Now, Sunshine, if that fella is fixin' to believe it, then let him have at it. Anyway, it's a mighty improvement over what they been sayin' about you around town. Go with it, Sunshine. Who cares?”

“Eva, listen, Precious does have a point here. Having folks talk about y'all's sexual preferences is a lot better than having folks call y'all a slut and a murderess.”

“Murderess? That's ridiculous. And who's calling me a slut? People are calling me a slut? Why? Because I chose not to marry a person? Someone who isn't right for me? Someone who deceived me? Someone who . . .”

“Simpletons around here are just jealous, that's all,” said Precious.

“Yes. It looks easy for you to get a man, when it's not so easy for others,” said Daphne. “They're just takin' potshots
because they wish they could be more like y'all and they don't know how to go about it. They'll tire and move on. Eventually.”

“If brains were leather, most of these folks wouldn't have enough to saddle a june bug,” said Precious with a chuckle.

“Too bad about Leonard, huh?” Biting into a fresh peach, Pep grabbed a folded pile of ironed napkins, placed them on top of the stack of plates, and topped it all off with a handful of silverware before she kicked her boot into the swinging door and sashayed into the dining room. The door swung with a big squeak.

“Don't get peach juice on the clean linens, Pepper-Leigh!” warned Daphne. “Yes, it's a shame about Leonard.”

“What did happen to Leonard?” I asked. Finally, I would get some answers.

“Detective Gibbit seems sure the guy was bumped off,” said Pep from the dining room.

“Shhh!” hissed Daphne through the door. “Pepper-Leigh, why must you always be so dark?”

“Bumped off? You mean, someone killed him?”

No one paid attention to me.

“I don't like him much. Do you?” Pep called from the dining room side of the door.

“Don't like who?” asked Precious. “The beady-eyed dweeb detective?”

“Don't forget his skinny ass and jug ears,” snorted Pep. “And the bucktooth.”

“Yeah, that boy could eat an ear of corn through a picket fence!” laughed Precious.

“Hush, Pepper-Leigh! Precious!”

“And I'm not being ‘dark,' Daphne,” said Pep from the other side of the door. “The detective clearly thinks there was a murder on the farm. Why else would he have been questioning everybody and snooping around for ‘evidence' today?”

“Please, Pepper-Leigh, don't talk about this in the dining
room,” begged Daphne in a loud whisper. “The guests will hear y'all! They've been through enough this morning. I'm hoping they can forget this unpleasantness and still enjoy their vacation.”

Pep kicked open the door again. Daphne jumped back and shot her an exasperated look.

“Now, mind y'all, until this terrible event is figured out, I want us to keep everything hush-hush. A scandal like this is deadly in the hospitality business!” warned Daphne. “Especially you, Pepper-Leigh. Don't you go talkin' about any of this down at that sleazy bar of yours. Just comport yourself as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened out here. All of you.”

“What happened to Leonard?” I asked again.

“You're kidding, right, sis?” Pep said, pouring herself fresh-squeezed orange juice. In a flash, she'd chugged the juice and grabbed another napkin pile. She kicked the dining room door open.

“Pepper-Leigh,
puhhl-eeze
do not kick the door!” scolded Daphne. “Y'all make scuff marks.”

“C'mon, guys! What happened to Leonard?”

Daphne's eyes returned to me. She stopped for a moment to study my face.

“Why aren't you telling me what happened to Leonard?” I stood with my hands on my hips, waiting for someone to answer. “And where's Dolly? Has anyone seen my dog?”

“Dead as a doornail,” said Precious.

I let out a little shriek, then doubled over in pain from my ribs. “What!”

“Shhh, Eva, not so loud,” Daphne scolded.

“Leonard, that is. He's dead. Kaput. Gonzo,” said Pep.

“That's the guy you were layin' next to,” said Precious.

“Well, I gathered that much,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Only his name wasn't Leonard. Did y'all know that?” said Precious with her eyebrows raised. “Tilly Beekerspat, down at dispatch, said on the phone when we were talkin' earlier that the fella's driver's license is a fake. Until they
get a make on his prints, no one knows his name. Y'all got any ideas, Sunshine?” Precious looked over at me.

“Me?” I shook my head “All I know is that he used to work at Anthony's Awesome Pastries. In Boston. I'm sure it was the same guy. And I'm still waiting for someone here to tell me what he was doing here and
how
he died. And what happened to Dolly?”

“I think folks have been waitin' for you to tell
us
what happened, Eva,” said Pep.

“Me . . . ?”

Precious interrupted, “I don't know anything 'bout no Dolly, 'cept that's who you've been callin' for when you was out of it earlier. That is, when you weren't blubberin' for the sheriff.” Precious let out a husky laugh, plopping dollops of something white and creamy into the blender.

“I've seen Dolly running around,” said Pep. “She's fine. Daphne had the kids feed her on the back porch earlier today, right, Daph?”

I whirled around to face Precious, “I was
not
‘blubbering' for Buck.” Then to Pep, “Why is Dolly loose? She's still a puppy. Have you checked to see she's alright?”

“Oh yes, ma'am, you was blubbering
and
callin' out his name, over and over.” Precious waved her arms and in a falsetto voice cried out again, “Buck! Buck!” She laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. She turned on the blender and the engine whirred.

I could feel my face and the back of my neck heating up.

“See, I told you so. She still wants him,” Pep said to Precious.

I glared at Pep. Then Precious.

Daphne stared hard at Pep. Then, she turned to me and said, “Dolly will come home when she sees y'all are back, Eva.” Then to Pep and Precious, she warned, “I told you two not to fret Eva. She'll tell us what happened when she's ready. And I don't want to hear that man's name in my house, Pepper-Leigh.”

“Who, Buck Tanner?” asked Pep, raising her eyebrows.

“Dolly is a dog?” Precious shook her head as she shut off the blender. “All this time I thought she was a relation or somebody important. Or somebody else bumped off in the woods.”

“Dolly
is
important,” I snapped.

“Gee whiz, Daph, why don't you want to hear Buck Tanner's name?” said Pep with a smirk.

Daphne glared at Pep but didn't answer. Then, she shot Precious a warning look.

“Dolly brings great comfort to Eva.” Then she turned to me. “We'll find her. Don't fret, Eva. Y'all know how your sensitive mind wanders. Meanwhile, back to the question about Leonard, since, apparently, y'all really don't remember anything about it. Folks seem to be thinkin' it was some sort of lovers' quarrel between him and Loretta.”

“Like, they were running off to get hitched, they had a fight, and Loretta offed him before she disappeared,” said Pep dryly. “Of course, then there's the other theory . . .”

“Pepper-Leigh! I
told
you before. Not a word!”

“What ‘other' theory?” I asked.

“Never you mind. It's all silliness,” said Daphne. “Ouch! Oh, how I loathe ironing!”

“Pep, what other theory?”

“The one where folks says
you
killed him, Miss Eva,” answered Precious.

“Precious!” Daphne scolded.

“Me? I killed him? That's ridiculous. Why would I kill someone?”

“Yup,” said Precious. “You killed him. My girlfriend, Coretta Crumm, she works at the bank, y'all know, well, she called and said Tammy Fae Tanner has folks worked up about it already.”

“Tammy Fae? Oh my gosh.” I put my hands to my head.

“No surprise there,” said Pep dryly.

“The woman is a demon,” I said. “Will she
ever
quit? What possible reason could she be telling folks I had for killing someone?”

“Well, you were layin' on the ground next to the poor
fella when Mister Collier found you. Seems pretty easy to figure something happened between you two, then, whatever you two was doin' got interrupted by the lightnin' and all,” said Precious. “Tilly Beekerspat says Detective Gibbit is comin' to arrest you this morning.”

Daphne gasped.

“Arrest me! Are you kidding?”

“Dyin' if I'm lying,” said Precious. She sounded smug. “I mean, what would
you
think?”

“Miss Precious!” cried Daphne.

“The man was already there—on the ground—when I got there! I tripped over his foot and didn't even know what it was until I started looking for Dolly . . .” I shuddered again. “I wasn't sure he was dead. I thought it'd been some sort of hunting accident. Or maybe a heart attack.”

I thought I saw Daphne heave a sigh of relief.

“Wow. Now, that's a lifetime achievement if I ever heard one. How many people get to say they tripped over a dead guy?” said Pep.

Daphne shot Pep a disgusted look.

“Did you all actually think I had something to do with the man's death?”

“Well, of course not,” sniffed Daphne. “I hoped y'all would have some sort of reasonable explanation. But then, you said that you were acquainted with the man, from Boston.”

“Hoped? You mean, you weren't
sure
?”

“Well, findin' you out there like that . . . It did look kinda bad, Eva,” said Pep.

“I believe you,” said Precious. She didn't sound convincing. “Of course, Miss Tammy Fae says you must've killed the Loretta woman, too. Folks just haven't found her body yet.”

“Good grief!”

“Anyway,” said Precious, “What I hear you sayin' sounds good to me, hon. Like I told you before, I'm not judging. Sometimes, folks get what they deserve. Like with my cousin Dewanna.”

“But I'm telling the truth! How could I kill someone?
Why
would I kill someone,
anyone
?” I could feel my heart race. “You mean it wasn't an accident?”

“Please, Eva, don't raise your voice,” said Daphne. “And don't excite yourself. Y'all are gettin' red in the face.”

“Coretta Crumm said it wasn't accidental on account of somethin' ‘close range' had happened,” said Precious. “Coretta knows 'cause her brother, Bigger, works at the morgue.”

Daphne shot a look to Precious and then wagged her finger toward Precious and Pep.

“Y'all are just upsetting Eva. And I warned y'all earlier not to do that!” scolded Daphne. “Of course, Eva had nothing to do with any of this. I'm sure there is a perfectly logical explanation for the bullet hole in the middle of the man's chest. Now, let's just have a nice day and focus on our guests. Can we please, ladies?” Daphne slammed the iron down and shut off the switch.

“Bullet hole? You mean he was shot? Up close? On
our
farm? And they think I did it?”

“Just put it out of your mind, dear,” cooed Daphne. She sounded the way she had when she'd comforted me after I'd had a nightmare as a little girl. “Put the green rubber boots on.”

“We've got to do something! What about this man's family?
I've
got to do something! Is it in the paper yet? We've got to have a PR plan!”

“Hon, you got more to worry 'bout than some silly PR plan,” laughed Precious.

“Shh!” scolded Daphne as she gave Precious a disapproving look.

“Local paper doesn't come out until Tuesday,” said Pep. “Oh. That's today! Or is it Wednesday that the paper comes out?”

“Usually Tuesday. Unless there's no news. In that case, they just wait until something happens,” sighed Daphne.

“Well, somethin's sure happened!” laughed Precious.

“I've seen 'em whip out a paper in hours,” said Pep.
“Remember the time they finally found Maisy Merganthal's prized pig stuck in the Laundromat dryer? Crazy porker had been missing for three days. They had a special edition out that very afternoon.”

“I remember. Folks had to use the Jaws of Life to get the pig out,” laughed Precious.

“Now that Eva's back, they won't be lacking for news anytime soon,” chortled Pep.