Only Love (26 page)

Gabby appeared in the doorway of the kitchen looking scared as hell. And she should’ve. I couldn’t even say anything to her. While I knew her intentions were good, she was sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. When I failed to speak, she went ahead and said something first.

“Aubrey, I’m sorry. I just wanted you two to talk.”

Again, I said nothing, just shook my head as I turned the stove off, going to the cabinet for plates.

Gabby took a step closer. “Are you mad?”

My eyes darted to her face. “I’m trying
really
hard not to be, but this… you crossed the line this time,” I whispered, trying my hardest not to cry, not with Adam in the next room.

Gabby lowered her head.

I braced my hands on the counter and took several deep breaths to calm myself down. “This is hard enough without having to see him.”

In my peripheral, I could see her fidgeting with her fingers. “But does it have to be like that? Where you don’t see him? It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you ask me.”

My eyes went to hers again. “That’s the thing, though. I didn’t
ask you, Gabby!” My voice was louder than I intended for it to be. Shaking my head, I looked away from her.

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” she added timidly.

A truckload of stress fell on my shoulders in that moment and all of the frustration, guilt, and sadness that’d been hanging over my head by a thread, came crashing down on me right there in the kitchen. When the tears started coming faster, Gabby froze in shock. She hadn’t seen me cry like this. I always held it in until I was alone, but I couldn’t now. I was at my breaking point.

“I said I was sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I ran my hand over my mouth and tried to quiet down, but the silence coming from the living room let me know that our private conversation wasn’t so private anymore. My heart sank when Adam appeared behind Gabby in the opening between the kitchen and living room, his arms free of Rissa, which meant she was back in her playpen.

The look on his face seemed pained, like he was torn between wanting to comfort me and wanting to respect my request that he keep his distance. “I um… I think I should just take off,” he eventually said, aiming his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the door. “I appreciate the invitation to stay. From
both
of you,” he said, addressing Gabby too. “This just wasn’t a good idea.” His hand landed on Gabby’s shoulder when he finished speaking.

I watched as he turned to leave, feeling like he was taking my entire heart with him when that door closed. The second he was gone, Rissa let out a scream that hurt my very soul, knowing why she was upset. When I went to her, she was reaching toward the entrance of the apartment where Adam had just disappeared. I grabbed her up in my arms, but even that didn’t sooth her. She didn’t want me. She wanted Adam.

Emotionally drained and physically tired, I realized there was no use fighting my tears or hers. I collapsed on the couch with Rissa in my arms, sitting there feeling defeated as we both cried for him. She wriggled in my arms, not understanding why Adam had come and gone so fast. I couldn’t even get myself together enough to try to calm her down.

The water in my eyes blurred my vision as I watched Gabby leave too. I knew she was trying to help, knew she meant well, but her efforts had only made things worse. I meant to stop her from going, meant to tell her I wasn’t upset with her, but no words came out. Instead, I let her leave.

I didn’t know what time it was when Rissa and I finally tired ourselves out, but when I awoke in the middle of the night we were still on the couch and she was sniffling in her sleep. I carried her to her crib, and then wrapped up the dinner we never got a chance to eat. Turning off the lights on my way to my bedroom, I found myself dreading the idea of sleeping there alone tonight. So instead of forcing it, I doubled back to the couch and curled up there, staring at the closed door of my apartment longingly, imagining Adam walking through it again. But then that same pang of guilt that had kept me from being able to have peace returned, carrying with it an image of Javi when he left a couple years ago. He was trying to be brave because that was just him, but I knew better. Finding out only days before about Rissa, he looked like he’d give anything to turn back the hands of time, going back to the day before he enlisted. He wanted to stay here.

He wanted Rissa.

He wanted me.

A bitter chill ran down my spine at the idea of him being reduced to nothing more than a memory. At the thought of how final our last conversation ended, I pulled my legs up to my stomach. After our breakup, I kept him at arm’s length whenever we had to converse about Rissa, keeping my disposition toward him cold so he’d know this separation was serious. I was sure he thought I hated him. That was how he died, thinking I hated him. Now there was no way to take that back. No way to make it right.

I breezed past the swinging door of the church’s gymnasium into the kitchen with a large box in my hands. Bent over a counter, Joan turned her eyes, blinking at me. She directed some women holding bags, filled with non-perishables like in my box, then placed her hands on her hips. “I thought you said you’d be here by three, darlin’? You almost missed the truck to the shelter.”

I did say that. Setting the box down, I apologized for my tardiness. Today had basically been the day from hell. I’d had a lot of those lately. Crap days. That felt like an understatement. In fact, I knew it to be one. Sighing, I explained to my mom why this particular day had gone shoddy. We’d been swamped at work. Seemed everyone was out to give law enforcement a hard time more than usual. Don was still gone so I was with a temp until he returned. The kid was fresh out of the academy. We both had a pull over today during our rounds, standard ticket and procedure. Turned out the guy had a warrant for his arrest in two counties. We chased him down. They never could outrun us long but despite that he tried anyway. We got him to pull over, but then he bolted from the car, straight into the woods. By the time we got back up to aid in the search and arrested the guy, I was already running late to deliver these canned goods to my moms for their food drive. I coordinated the one at the precinct. This usually wasn’t a problem, but hell, stress had gotten me and I hadn’t been keeping up with bugging people to donate. My haul was half what it usually entailed.

Joan noticed that but she didn’t say anything, rooting around it while I told her about my day and she collected inventory. Afterwards, she set her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t even had time to change from my uniform and drove my squad car here.

“It’s okay, honey. No harm done,” she said lowering her hand to her clipboard. “Go ahead and set the box in the stockroom. The boys are hauling everything out of there when they arrive. There’s a special place reserved for the food for the shelter. Can’t miss it.”

I noted the look she gave me before she left, prolonged gaze right around the area of my eyes. No doubt staring because they were red-rimmed, pretty much bloodshot, then down to my chin, my stubble I hadn’t gotten around to in more than a few days. Again, she didn’t say anything. Just let me go. I couldn’t take her stare so I did, taking my box down the hall and around the corner. But when I got there, setting my box down I just stopped, stark still in the middle of the room. I had to because I couldn’t breathe, anxiety squeezing my lungs. I hadn’t broken down enough to take anything for it. I had meds I used to take back in the day when I was struggling. I guess I didn’t want to admit it was back, the anxiousness, the shakes which now hit my hands.

Letting go of the box, I tried to calm them, squeezing my hands into tight fists. It didn’t make sense I was feeling this way. As if I was coming down, withdrawing. But perhaps maybe it did.

“Honey?”

Joan’s voice caused me to turn around, and this time, she didn’t hide the frown that creased her face. Tilting her head at me, she folded her arms over her chest. “Baby, I said put the box in the stockroom. This is the supply closet, hon.”

A look around my surroundings told me that instantly and my head spun that I’d made such a clear mistake. I couldn’t get like this, lost in my head and distracted. If I did, I knew what was next, nothing but a downward spiral.

I scrubbed my hand down my face trying to get it all back, my mind and myself. When I lowered my hand I managed to give my stepmom a smile but the war I was having inside myself wouldn’t let it go fully, and the clear heartache that triggered it didn’t help. She didn’t address that, but did follow me to the stockroom. I hoped she didn’t think she had to, that I’d lose my way again.

I gave her a hug to go after I set the box down and noticed that it was longer than the ones we normally shared. I read into that. I definitely did. I thought I’d get away without confrontation, without confronting my feelings and what was going on with me, but then Joan said my name.

Turning, I braced myself. “Yeah?”

She came over. “Why don’t you go ahead and stop by your mama on your way out? She brought some things for you. From our garden. She’s in the office.”

I guess I did get away with it, not talking about things. At least for now. My moms knew everything that had been happening with me lately. Of course they did as I told them everything. That last day with Aubrey, seeing her face, clearly trying to hold it all together but failing miserably… She failed just as much as I had. Every day had been autopilot for me. Every day waking up and making myself move on when all I wanted to do was move backward, back to her. Being in the same space as her, wanting to hold her and rid her of all her stresses, yet not being able to do a damn thing about it just about shattered me. On top of that was Gabby, clearly trying to help by bringing us together, only to get it thrown back at her when it all fell apart.

And then Rissa...

God, Rissa. I heard her, heard her
screaming
after I left, and that nearly killed me. It just about did.

Even if I hadn’t wanted to tell my moms, they would have worked it out of me. They knew everything, always did, which was why I was surprised I’d gotten away so easily from Joan. Yes, they knew about Aubrey, but they’d been really good about letting me deal with this my way. Not prying or smothering me. But that was before, on regular days. Today wasn’t a regular day. Today, I woke up and my chest burned as if millions of daggers had made their way inside. Today, I woke up and didn’t have the desire to actually
get
up. Today, I wanted to close into myself. Today, I wanted to give into the heartache, the one that stemmed from the situation with Aubrey, yes, but so much more.

Today, I wanted to break.

But I didn’t. I made myself get up, move on, and I was doing that now as I headed toward the church’s office. Mom was in there like Joan said, her head popping up when I came in. She leaned over stacks of papers, no doubt doing the books, as that was her job as church secretary. The pair were heavily involved in this church. It was a church of acceptance, which was something not only they needed, but I did as well. I got lots of support during my battle with alcoholism over the years from the congregation.

I didn’t take a seat when I came in, because the longer I was there the longer I had to be around my mom and she wouldn’t let things go as easy as Joan. That I knew. I hugged her of course and she smiled, but she also had that same look I saw upon arrival on Joan’s face, and that was the look of remorse, sympathy. She usually wouldn’t allow herself to do that in front of me. Again, today wasn’t most days.

She had the bag of veggies from their garden on the desk and that told me this wasn’t just a trap to get me in here, a last minute ruse Joan created on the fly at seeing me today.

I grabbed them, letting my mom know I’d call her, that I had to go, but I knew my mom. She didn’t make things easy, never easy.

“Take a seat, sweetheart,” she said, her mouth turned down behind her seat at the desk.

Sighing, I forced myself to ignore the tremor inside at her request, her request for me to sit, her request for me to talk. I dampened my mouth, trying to stay calm. “Mom…
please
don’t do this.”

She couldn’t. Not today. I wasn’t strong enough today. Any day was hard. Any damn day, especially since I lost Aubrey. But today… But today… I just couldn’t handle it. I knew my limits. I’d break if she made me talk. I’d break.

My mom moved a hand over her face, settling over her mouth, and I swallowed hard, looking away from the glaze over her eyes, the emotion in her eyes.

“You need to talk to someone, sweetie. If not Joan and me, then… Then Aubrey, honey. You’ve both gone through loss. Are
still fighting
through loss. I think it would only help. ”

My lids lowered over my eyes. Aubrey… Aubrey. I couldn’t confide in her. She had her own hurdles, her own losses, and on top of that she didn’t… She didn’t…

I let out a breath before I spoke to my mom. I had to or I wouldn’t have been able to talk. “Aubrey doesn’t want to be with me.” The words hurt to say, killed to say. “She can’t be with me. She won’t let herself. I can’t just talk to her like that isn’t present between us. I can’t confide in her about this.”