Only Love (24 page)

I knew my next stop should have been the living room, but I couldn’t help cracking the door open, checking on the woman I loved. I did love her. So much, and that’s why my next decision to return to my apartment tonight was so hard. I had to give her space at least for the night, and that was for obvious reasons. This was a complicated situation. She lost the father of her child, a man she no doubt still had love for. Maybe not in the same way we shared, but it still didn’t feel appropriate to assume I could stay or should stay in her bed tonight.

Going over to her bed, I made myself stick to my decision. She had her back to me, sleeping like my mom said, and I leaned down, settling my hand on her small shoulder. I brushed my lips upon her cheek, whispering my love for her before leaving the room as quickly as I came.

I was getting my shoes on when Gabby looked up. She frowned. “Are you leaving?”

“Mmmhmm. Just upstairs to my apartment, though.”

She got up and came over to me. “Why?”

Always the inquisitive one, this kid. Smiling, I shook her shoulder. “It’s probably just best, okay? I’m just a phone call away, though. I’ll leave my number on the fridge. Anything happens you know what to do. Give me a ring, I’ll be down in moments if need be. Doesn’t matter the hour.”

Thinking about that, she played with her hands. “You should stay, Adam. I think it would be okay if you did.”

She really was too smart for her own good. I gave a quick tug to her ponytail, which made her smile. “Night, kid.”

After showering, I hopped into bed right away, thinking I could sleep. But my hands behind my head, I simply stared at the ceiling in the dark room. I listened to the sounds outside my window, the sporadic car speeding by, the occasional raised voice of a neighbor, for what seemed like hours, and then that’s exactly what happened. Hours had passed, hours thinking about anything but sleep.

Thinking about her.

Sighing, I turned on my side, checking my phone for the umpteenth time for the hour of the night. But this time, the phone rang in my hands, and the number of the very woman I thought about flashed across the screen.

I rose up instantly, answering. “Aubrey?”

Silence hit my ear, and so deadly, it clenched my stomach.

My heart raced. “Aubrey? Are you okay?” I was already getting my shoes on, shrugging a shirt on next like I knew. No, she wasn’t okay. No, she needed me.

Heading out to the living room, I grabbed my keys, and then locked the door, and even still, she hadn’t said anything. My stomach turned further. “I’m coming down, okay? Just wait for me. I’m on my way.”

And finally she said something. Finally.

“I’ll leave the door open,” she simply said, then hung up the phone. But I couldn’t deny the emotion that choked her voice.

The door was open like she said she’d leave it, but since it had been a few hours since I was down here everything was dark. Gabby slept on the pullout, her textbook beside her, and after checking once on Rissa, I made it into Aubrey’s room, and eventually into her bed. She didn’t move, not one inch, and the phone she called me with she had clutched in her hands. I moved in beside her, settling my hand on her shoulder. The moment I did, she whispered, “Sorry,” the word laced with so much emotion it killed my insides. “I didn’t mean to call. I just…”

I brought my arms around her. “Oh, no, Aubrey. No. It’s fine. Completely fine.”

She wouldn’t accept that. She only apologized again and this time the tears steadily flowed. She felt ashamed that she called me, that she needed to, that she needed me, and that made me feel like an idiot. I never should have left her. Never. Holding her close, I told her she didn’t need to apologize. I wanted to be here, with her now and making her feel better, and doing so was never a problem. Ever. Despite my plea, that didn’t help. She just kept shaking her head, more crying. Aubrey was so stubborn. She didn’t have to be so strong all the time. Dammit, if this woman would just let me in. Let me help her.

Caught up in her emotion, I kissed her, trying to share her burden, to take all of it from her if I could. I needed to take it. I couldn’t stand seeing her hurting,
feeling
her pain. That one kiss turned into two, then another, and before I knew it, my shirt was coming off. I didn’t know who removed it. Hers went right after and neither one of us stopped the other, tugging at each other’s clothes in desperation, trying to get them off to be closer to each other, nor did we resist the other’s lips. The kisses were seeking, urgent, and incessant.

Completely bare, my hands gripped her flesh, hers the same to mine, her nails digging into my back, marking my body and making me hers, claiming what was always hers.

Sinking inside her, I braced her hips, making her gasp. I barely managed to get protection on everything happened so quickly. I couldn’t stop myself from taking her, giving in to the urgency behind her lips. I probably shouldn’t have,
we
probably shouldn’t have, but there was no stopping it. There was no stopping us.

She panted out my name when I dove deep inside her, as deep as I could go, and I stayed there, releasing there as she did too. But the moment it was over, her in my arms and resting against me, an off feeling stirred inside me. A bad feeling. Normally, after we made love, I felt closer to Aubrey. Being intimate heightened the bond between us, and it had while we were together, while we were in the moment, but now, things didn’t feel that way. It almost felt the opposite. She felt stiff in my arms, distant even, almost like…

She was drifting away.

I could barely even look at him, feeling more ashamed than I’d ever felt before. After the news I’d just gotten about Javi, making love to Adam felt wrong. Disrespectful. No, Javi and I weren’t together, but we had a connection. We had Rissa. His memory, our past, deserved more respect than this—more respect than me having Adam lying naked in my bed less than twenty-four hours after those officers delivered the news. Regardless of whether or not our relationship had run its course or not, Javi’s death was tragic.

For Rissa.

For me.

I pulled away from Adam slowly, pretending to just need to freshen up in the bathroom, but the truth was I needed to put some distance between us. I could feel his eyes on me as I stood from the bed wordlessly and disappeared in the hall. It was unreasonable for me to expect
him
to feel the loss that
I
did, which made me feel worse. This was on me. I never should’ve called him down here. In a lonely moment, a
weak
moment, I leaned on him when I should’ve just dealt with the pain on my own. This wasn’t something he could see me through. He had no idea what this felt like for me. It hurt in a way I couldn’t even put to words.

Rissa would never get to know Javi like they both deserved to know one another. He may not have been right for me, may not have known how to love me the way I needed to be loved, but he would’ve been an awesome father to her once he got home. I think I was looking forward to him being in her life as much as he was. I knew firsthand what it was like not having a dad around growing up and I’d give
anything
for Rissa to not have to go through that.

In the bathroom, I retrieved my robe from the back of the door and just stood there, leaning against it, trying to sort out my feelings. Guilt. Shame. Regret. Hurt. I couldn’t even begin to put them in order from greatest to least—they were simply all there, all weighing down my heart.

What am I doing? How could I even let myself go there?

It didn’t make sense to hide in the bathroom forever, so I stepped away from the door and opened it. When I got back to my bedroom, Adam was still lying there. I watched him as he stared at the ceiling above. Hearing me enter, his eyes found their way to mine. Instantly, his expression softened, leading me to believe he too felt guilty, but I was positive for different reasons.

As I approached the bed, he pulled back the comforter and sheets for me to slip beneath them. I did, but kept a foot of distance between us. When I settled in, I stared at my hands folded over my stomach, still unable to make eye contact.

Beside me he cleared his throat, not speaking right away. The awkward tension between us continued to grow.

“Are you okay?” His tone was so timid—hesitant.

I didn’t know how to answer that. No, on so many levels I was
not
okay. However, if I gave an honest response, I’d hurt him. I didn’t want to do that.

“I am,” I replied.

His hand was warm on mine the next second and I stared at it. He’d been so sweet. He really had. I just… I felt so guilty loving him, being happy, knowing that Javi’s life had just come to an end.

Javi’s life before the military wasn’t all that great, and neither was mine, which was one of the things that bonded us. Our outlooks on the future had us constantly at odds, though. He took the approach of embracing our environment because he didn’t see a way out of it, while I became hell-bent on clawing my way to something better. That being said, it seemed like he’d been dealt one hell of a bad hand all the way to the end… and here I was in a warm bed with Adam at my side like moving on had been the easiest thing in the world for me. Even if Javi
hadn’t
died, I moved on too quickly. There was no doubt about that.

“Where are you going?” Adam asked when I stood from my bed again. He watched as I dropped my robe and stepped into a pair of sweats and pulled on a t-shirt. I didn’t answer until I was zipping my hoodie.

“For a walk. I just need to clear my head,” I replied, unable to hide the exasperation in my tone. Grabbing my gym shoes from the floor of my closet, I put them on, tied them and was on my way out when Adam stopped me.

“Aubrey, it’s late,” he reasoned. “I know you’re upset, but…”

“How could you
possibly
know how I feel?” The words shot out of my mouth so quickly that I couldn’t even stop them. I knew before I said them that he didn’t deserve to be the target of my verbal daggers, but I was so torn apart on the inside, so hurt…

I lowered my head and felt the sting of tears in my eyes. “I didn’t mean that. I…” Words escaped me and I dried the wetness beneath my eyes. Without a thought, Adam was on his feet and standing in front of me, as if he hadn’t heard me snap at him a moment ago. When I met his gaze, there was sadness in them that I couldn’t place—a look of understanding. I was in his arms the next moment and fell apart on his shoulder. I could hardly breathe as I sobbed there in his arms. He stroked my back and kept me close.

“She was supposed to have a daddy, Adam. It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I whimpered. “I shouldn’t have let him leave. This is all my fault. I should’ve made him stay so he could be a dad—so Rissa could have him. All he wanted was to have a family.” And that was the truth. Once Javi found out Rissa was coming, he wanted nothing but us.

“This isn’t your fault, Aubrey. It isn’t,” Adam insisted, but his words fell on deaf ears. He didn’t know the things that I knew—didn’t know that news of Javi leaving for the army came with an air of relief for me. There were days I was glad
he was gone because I was sick of all the discord—sick of the arguing and the lies. Him being overseas in Afghanistan made life easier in some ways. I didn’t have to pretend to be happy; I didn’t have to pretend like we weren’t headed in two different directions in life.

“I’m a terrible person,” I said in between sniffing back tears and trying to catch my breath. “He’s dead and I…” My words fell flat when I somehow had the presence of mind to keep them to myself. I didn’t want to hurt Adam any further by admitting that I felt guilty for loving him after what’d happened to Javi.

“I have to get out of here,” I said abruptly, pulling out of his embrace. I wiped my eyes and tried to compose myself.

“Aubrey…”

“I need to go,” I said again. This time, he didn’t try to stop me when I made moves toward the door. Bewildered, Adam stood there watching, maybe knowing there was nothing he could do or say that would stop me. “Can you please just listen out for the girls until I get back? Please.”

When he didn’t answer right away, I was forced to look into his pleading eyes again—eyes that had notoriously been my undoing. But today, I couldn’t let them sway me. Eventually he nodded, agreeing to let me go.

“Please just promise you’ll only go around this block, though, Aubrey. However many times you want, for as long as you want. I’ll just feel better knowing where you are.”

He looked so worried. I hated that me being hurt had hurt
him
so much. I gave a quick nod, which meant I’d do as he asked.

The night air hit my lungs when I inhaled a deep breath, hoping in vain that it’d instantly make me feel better. No such luck. I made my way down the sidewalk with my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, at ease despite the sorts of things that went on in this neighborhood at night. Tonight, though, I gave very little thought to my own wellbeing. All I could think about was Javi.

As I pulled the hood up on my head, a cop car rounded the corner; the officer inside made eye contact, gave a nod, and then continued on past me. I thought nothing of it until three minutes later when he circled around again. It hit me then that Adam had probably called in a favor from someone in the area. He cared so much—about me, about Rissa, about Gabby. It was that care and affection that drew me to him, but I found myself wondering if maybe I’d given up on Javi too fast. My prevailing thought since finding out that he was gone had been that I was sad he wouldn’t be around for Rissa. However, the second I fell for Adam I was ready to let go of years of history and of my daughter’s chance to have her mommy and her daddy in the house with her while growing up.