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Authors: Tristan Taormino

Tags: #Non-Fiction, #Self Help, #Sociology

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BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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• you have the desire and capacity to love, share emotional and
sexual intimacy, and commit to more than one partner

• you don't want to limit yourself to "just sex" from your additional relationships

• you want to explore different sexual or relationship dynamics
with people of different genders

• you want certain erotic and emotional desires, needs, and fantasies fulfilled by different partners

Styles and Elements of Polyamory
Hierarchical Poly, or "One Primary Plus"

The ways in which people practice polyamory are unique and entirely
specific to them. There is no formula for polyamory But poly people
generally adhere to one of two models: hierarchical and nonhierarchical. Consider which style feels more appropriate for you or fits with
your goals.

Some poly people structure their relationships hierarchically,
and they consider one relationship primary A primary partner can be
considered primary for a variety of reasons: the relationship is more
central or significant than others; you live together; you make major
life decisions together; you share resources and finances; you jointly own property or a business; you raise children together; you have made
a formal commitment, such as marriage, domestic partnership, or
handfasting; you are fluid-bonded (you share bodily fluids with each
other without barriers); or you have been together longer than your
other relationships.

Each partner in the primary couple can have one or more partners, but the additional partners are considered secondary, tertiary, or
nonprimary. These nonprimary partners may be single or partnered
with others, short-term or ongoing, sexual or romantic, or some combination; the constant is that they are considered secondary to the
primary relationship. This style can work for you if you are currently
in a relationship you consider to be primary and desire other partners,
but no more primaries.

The benefit of designating one partner primary is that it's clear
which relationship has priority over the others. Hierarchy can help
define and bring structure to nontraditional relationships for which we
have few models, providing an outline of your expectations in terms of
the time and energy you're willing to give to the relationship. For some
people, having a primary partner is like having a "home base," one
person who is there for the long haul and with whom you have a
shared history. The One Primary Plus style of polyamory honors what
some scientists consider our natural instinct to pair-bond, while allowing room for other relationships as well.

Primary or nonprimary status does not have to be reciprocal. John
may be Sue's primary partner, but Sue may be John's secondary partner.
However, it is important to be clear in communicating your expectations
so that a relationship doesn't feel unbalanced to one of the partners.

Some of the people I spoke to resisted the idea of hierarchy, but
acknowledged that in many ways one of their partners was primary
They believe that their primary relationships don't fit what they see
as the standard definitions of "primary" Claire said that she and her
partner Dillon are primary in some ways, but not in the typical ones: "I think when most people declare someone as their primary, they are
declaring that they are no longer operating as a free agent in their
romantic life, dating life and social life... In a lot of ways, Dillon and I
function very independently"

Naming Our Partners

Here are all the different names the people I interviewed gave to
the significant others in their lives:

Multiple Primaries or Multipartner Groups

Some people have more than one primary partner. Together these
people form a unit-most often a triad or a quad-whose members are
committed to each other. Because the configurations for these multipartner relationships are quite varied and they are considered types
of polyfidelity, I devote an entire chapter to them (Chapter 9,
Polyfidelity).

Nonprimary Partners

Sarah Sloane, a BDSM educator from the Washington, DC, area, teaches
workshops on polyamory around the country. In her class Polyamory for
Nonprimary Partners, she points out that one of the positive aspects of
nonprimary relationships is that you can "add someone's presence to
your life when it might not otherwise be possible-like, if you'd kill
each other if you spent more than three consecutive days together."'
Hers is a great point, and it's a good example of how polyamory questions the way relationships are supposed to be. Creating a secondary
relationship flies in the face of the myth that if you love someone, you
will want to spend all your time with him, live with him, be with him
forever. Well, that's not always the case.

Although she doesn't use the terms primary, nonprimary, or
polyamory, Daphne Rose Kingma, in The Future of Love, notes the widespread assumption that all relationships should model traditional marriage-they must be daily domestic, exclusive, and forever.' She
makes the case throughout her book that not all relationships are what
she calls "marriage clones," but this raises an important point: while
polyamory is a new relationship model, the primary relationship still has certain expectations and models to draw from, whereas nonprimary relationships have no existing blueprints. There are no agreedupon rules or guidelines for how much time, energy, money, sex, or
emotional support to give your secondary girlfriend, long-distance
lover, or once-a-month friend with benefits. The familiar example of
having a mistress or an affair is not comparable, because that is an
entirely different dynamic based not on consent and negotiation but
on lying and secrecy. Nonprimary relationships are an area within
polyamory where you must break a lot of new ground to find a balance. As a result, some of the trickiest relationships to negotiate and
nurture are nonprimary ones.

As with all the relationship styles, there are benefits and challenges
to nonprimary relationships. Sloane sums up some of them: "Being a
secondary partner can be special, like you're the exciting date night in
an otherwise mundane week. But because you may not share in each
other's lives on a daily basis, there can also be a sense of `unreality' or a
lack of intimacy" It's true that as a secondary, you may feel less connected to all facets of your partner's life. On the plus side, however,
Sloane believes that being involved with someone who has a primary
partner gives her the opportunity to observe her partner in a different
relationship dynamic and learn a great deal from it. Whatever the
dynamic, we must start by legitimizing, valuing, and respecting all of
our relationships, whether primary, nonprimary, or something else
entirely

Nonhierarchical Polyamory

In nonhierarchical polyamory, no single relationship is considered primary Each relationship is different and unique. They may all be equally
important or they may vary greatly in terms of time, energy, commitment, and significance, but they are not ordered by priority For poly
people who intentionally choose not to create a hierarchy, a nonhierarchical approach is usually part of their overall personal philosophy Lynn acknowledges the practicality of hierarchy, but ultimately rejects it:
"When you start talking about someone as your primary and actually
believe in those categories, I think that limits the ways a relationship
can evolve. I've got this thing about labels. I try not to use them if I can
help it."

This style can work for you if you simply don't believe in hierarchy or feel that hierarchy is oppressive; if you don't consider one of
your relationships to be any more primary or significant than any
other; or if you believe each relationship is different and should be
treated as such. Some people may prefer not to use hierarchical language, but may still designate one relationship as more important than
the others.

I feel differently about all of my lovers. They each touch a different
part of me. They nurture different aspects of myself. Even different sexual aspects of myself. Some are more emotional, some more
intellectual, some more physical, some quite spiritual. -Beth

Solo Polyamory

For some poly folk hierarchy is not an issue, because they neither have
nor want to have a primary partner. These folks, whom I call solo polyamorists, face their own set of issues, which I discuss in Chapter 8,
Solo Polyamory.

Nonsexual Poly Relationships

One complaint regarding much that has been written about polyamory
(both within the community and in mainstream media) is that its
emphasis is often solely on sex. As a response to this, I try to focus on
all aspects of polyamorous relationships, not just the fun, exciting,
orgasmic ones.

When sex is given priority over other significant relationship
issues, people's conceptions of polyamory are skewed. But it has another negative effect as well: it overlooks an entire segment of poly relationships that has been nearly neglected in the current body of work on
the subject: committed relationships that do not include sex at all. In
fact, the respondents I spoke to for this book seemed to divide into two
camps: those who defined an important, intimate relationship as one
that includes a sexual component and those who had a broader vision
of what constitutes intimacy In some nonsexual relationships, there
may be a certain amount of affection, flirting, sexual tension, erotic
touch, or romance, but there is no sex (however people define sex for
themselves). In others, there is no sexual relationship of any kind, yet
the participants consider themselves partners, even primary partners.
In her book The Future of Love, Daphne Rose Kingma discusses what
she calls "emotional spouses":

An emotional spouse is a person with whom you share all
your deep emotional intimacies, but with whom, for one
reason or another, you choose not to be sexual. This may be
because one or another partner in this relationship is gay, is
married to someone else, is geographically unavailable, or
shares none of the other aspects-daily life, or a shared
household, for example-of a conventional relationship
with you.4

Not all relationships have a sexual component. In some cases, a
relationship may have begun with a sexual element but the partners no
longer have sex. They are still very much committed to one another
and consider each other partners; the absence of sex does not change
that. For example, Alex and her partner have been together in a
polyamorous relationship for 11 years, even though they stopped
having sex several years ago. "We talked about the fact that she and
I weren't having sex. We weren't living in the same city. We both had
new people we were interested in and wanted different things," Alex
says. "I was more in Daddy mode at that point, that was part of who I was at that time in my life. She wasn't interested anymore in that type
of role, so we talked about it, and she said, `It's not that I want to break
up with you, or leave you, but the thing is, if you want to be in this
relationship with me, we probably won't have sex ever again."' They
agreed to stay together and still consider each other primary partners.

Kathleen had a similar experience with her live-in partner, Guy
Over time, their sexual tastes changed, and it put a strain on their relationship:

We realized that while we loved each other very much, it was
very frustrating mentally and emotionally to try to make sex
work. Some of the things that turn me on he has no interest in
doing whatsoever. We had a lot of talks and we were really trying
to push ourselves into making it work. When we finally said,
Fuck it, let's take sex off the table, the relationship got better
almost immediately. We didn't constantly feel as though we were
failing the other person or we had to try to do something that
wasn't comfortable for us. I was able to trust him again the way
I had before I pulled back because I didn't know how to meet his
needs. If we had been monogamous, we would have ended the
relationship totally.

Many people I interviewed referred to a partner as a best frienda relationship that was incredibly important, deeply intimate, and central
to their lives but had no sexual component. Elizabeth, a 35-year-old
attorney from Chicago, has a primary partner of four and a half years,
and another partner Elizabeth calls her best friend. Although they once
had a sexual relationship, they no longer do. "I would characterize my
best friend as my `secondary relationship' based on my emotional connection to her, my responsibility to her, my day-to-day time
commitment to her. Whether we are having sex right now or not
makes no difference to our emotional attachment. It just defines how
we express that emotional attachment."

For some, a significant relationship has a specific or idiosyncratic
dynamic that isn't encompassed by the prevailing types of relationships. Ruby Grace says, "I have a romantic but nonsexual relationship,
but we don't have a word for it. We're very much in love with each
other, care very much about each other, and it's our desire and intention to build a life together." Denise has a relationship based on
mentoring and Dominance/submission: "Donna and I have been close
friends for over five years now. I introduced her to the BDSM scene.
There has never been any sexual tension between us; we're more like
soul mate friends or even siblings in some ways... Our relationship is
dynamic, compelling, and deeply intimate, it's simply not sexual or
erotic. She holds the same degree of significance in my world as a
romantic partner, you just need to replace the idea of romance with the
idea of power exchange."

BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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