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Authors: Tristan Taormino

Tags: #Non-Fiction, #Self Help, #Sociology

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BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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Wagner makes an important point: don't rush the process of building
trust. The more deeply you trust someone, the easier it will be to take the
leap of faith with her as you explore possibilities beyond monogamy

Fidelity and Commitment

One of the values most strongly associated with monogamy and traditional marriage is fidelity Every day, in their wedding vows, spouses
promise to be faithful to each other and to forsake all others. Most
folks assume that if you're in a nonmonogamous relationship, you're
being unfaithful by definition. Nonmonogamous people have tossed
out the "forsaking all others" part, but that doesn't mean they reject the
notion of fidelity

Although monogamy and fidelity have become intertwined in
cultural definitions, fidelity ultimately means believing strongly in your love and in your relationship, and keeping your promises. If the statistics on cheating are accurate, keeping your promises is something
monogamous people have a tough time doing. Nonmonogamous relationships are built not on vows of exclusivity but on the agreements
people make and honor; therefore, fidelity is an essential part of nonmonogamy

There is a false assumption that open relationships are less committed than monogamous ones. This is because nonmonogamous
people often make commitments in the absence of the legal documents, state recognition, and financial rewards and benefits that come
with a marital commitment. They often do not have the acknowledgment, support, or acceptance of friends and families. In the absence of
such external validation, they are bound together by their faith in each
other and by their daily words and deeds.

Of course, self-awareness, communication, healthy boundaries,
trust, fidelity, and commitment aren't the only values that make open
relationships work. People in open relationships also embrace respect,
generosity, freedom, and authenticity. One last quality that cannot go
unmentioned in any discussion of open relationships is compersion, a
concept that may be new to many readers. Compersion is taking joy in
your partner's pleasure or happiness with another partner. For some,
compersion has an erotic component: they get turned on watching,
imagining, or hearing about their partner's sexual experiences. Some
practitioners of polyamory think of compersion as the opposite of jealousy, or at least the antidote to jealousy Given the problems (and
drama) ignited by jealousy, you can see how compersion can go a long
way toward creating a foundation for pleasure and generosity in any
relationship. Read more about compersion in Chapter 13.

 
Chapter 5
Partnered Nonmonogamy

THIS SECTION OF THE BOOK is devoted to different styles of open
relationships. While I name and define these styles, they are not meant
to be rigid categories, but rather a loose framework from which you
can start to build your unique relationships.

Partnered nonmonogamy is a style for committed couples who
want a relationship that is erotically nonmonogamous, where each
partner can be involved with other people for sex, BDSM, or other
erotic activities. The BDSM play may or may not include genital sex. I
make this distinction because some BDSM does not involve sex. For
some who enjoy BDSM, many activities-for example, flogging, piercing, and hot wax-are intense, erotic, satisfying, and even orgasmic
without any sexual contact. Whether or not BDSM play with other
partners includes genital sex is something that every couple needs to
negotiate. Your definition of sex, or of BDSM, may not encompass
some of the activities you engage in with others-for example, crossdressing, foot worship, or a particular fetish.

Experiences with other people may occur once or be recurring,
but they are generally considered temporary, casual, commitment-free,
and nonromantic. The primary focus of your time and energy is your committed relationship, not entering a serious relationship with anyone
else. If you have fantasized together about bringing a third person into
your bed for a night, if you want to have a casual fling (or two) while
you're out of town, or if you'd like a sex or BDSM playmate whom you
see regularly, then this style may be your ideal form of nonmonogamy

You and your partner might choose partnered nonmonogamy if:

• you want to have sex/BDSM with others but your relationship
remains the priority

• you have no interest in additional partners for anything but
sex or BDSM and possibly friendship

• you want to fulfill a fantasy that involves group sex, multiplepartner sex, or a group BDSM scene

• you want to have sex or play with a person of a different
gender than your primary partner

• you want to express a part of yourself sexually with someone
other than your primary partner, perhaps to fulfill certain
sexual or kinky desires, needs, or fantasies

• you want to explore a sexual, BDSM, or other activity that your
partner has no interest, experience, or skill in

• you want to explore a specific role or power dynamic (Top/
bottom, Dominant/submissive) with someone other than your
primary partner

I know two men in a relationship who are committed to one
another to be sexually exclusive, with one exception: each is allowed
to hook up with other men at bathhouses or at the gym, provided it
goes no further than mutual masturbation. This couple doesn't consider masturbation "sex," so they think of themselves as "monogamous
with benefits."

David and Sadie also consider themselves monogamous,
although they do BDSM play and some sexual activity with others. "We
can play with other people, but no sex. By no sex, I mean no vaginal or anal intercourse. There can be genital contact, orgasms, fisting, penetration with toys," Sadie says. David says, "Playing with different
people provides different experiences. Playing with your spouse can
bring in different, more complicated emotions. Playing with close
friends and others allows for different types of emotions and connections, but not necessarily baggage that you have to take home."

Jason makes a clear distinction between his relationship and his
other activities: "I definitely have a single significant other. While I certainly fuck/play with other people, there's a distinct boundary of
`home' and `extracurricular.' My girlfriend is the person I live with,
work with, spend most of my time with, and most importantly, love."

Shari and Eli have been married for seven years, and their marriage has been nonmonogamous from the start. Shari says:

I love the freedom of being able to be this sexual and not having to
lie about this aspect of myself in order to have a mate who loves
me for who and what I am. It's brilliant that he loves me for this
aspect of my sexuality, instead of in spite of it. We each needed a
partner who really, truly, wasn't possessive or jealous. I love the
incredible bonding that occurs with good sex, and being able to
spread joy and fun and pleasure. I love knowing my husband is
having fun with others; our sex is always better when we are alone
again. The more men I fuck, the more I love my husband.

When they first got together, Shari had a long-term male lover
whom Eli wasn't comfortable with: "She still had strong feelings for
him that I found somewhat threatening, as they seemed to transcend
mere sexual desire." He asked her to stop seeing him, and she agreed,
but the issue remained on the table:

For the first five years, Eli asked me to not see my lover to whom
I was still very attached. I didn't think I should have to do it, since
my relationship with my lover preceded my marriage. However I wanted to prove to him as well as myself that I was trustworthy
and committed to my relationship with my husband. We had a
serious discussion about it at least twice a year for those five
years, as we figured out just where our needs lay and built intimacy and trust. Five years later, I still wanted to see my lover, but
I had worked through all of my issues surrounding my not seeing
him, so the charge was off. My husband and I were able to have
a conversation about our needs and where they differed and what
we were going to do to address them, calmly, without recriminations or guilt tripping. As life would have it, my husband had
come to the understanding that he, too, needed a partner who
could go places with him that I just couldn't go, in order that some
of his core needs could be met.

Eli says, "Ultimately, I came to realize that she needed a more
`vanilla' kind of sexual and emotional involvement than I could provide. I am now at peace with the satisfaction she derives from her
encounters with him." While both Shari and Eli are kinky, they have
desires which don't overlap. Eli is her Dominant, but realized he
wanted to play with submissives who were more experienced. Shari
likes to switch roles and is also bisexual, plus she yearns for a dynamic
that isn't power-driven, which Eli can't give her. Their nonmonogamy
helps them get their needs met by each other and other people.

Partnered nonmonogamy may also be a good compromise for a
heterosexual male crossdresser and his wife. Let's say D likes to dress
occasionally in women's clothes, and crossdressing sexually arouses him.
He has fantasies of someone helping to dress him, which may or may
not also involve sexual contact. His wife supports his desire but has no
interest in participating in his dressing fantasy. So, they talk about it
and agree that he can attend a crossdressing event, and, if he meets
another woman, they can have a dressing session. The one rule: no
sexual play at all. This is fine with him, since he finds the experience incredibly intimate and intense and prefers to masturbate on his own
afterward.

Ovate, a crossdresser in his thirties who's enlisted in the military,
says, "My wife is okay with my crossdressing. She did research on her
own to try to understand it better. She's a very cerebral person. But it
was never something that she could enjoy with me, and she could never
be comfortable enough with it to be sexual in any way And while I
know this isn't true for all crossdressers, it is a very sexual thing for
me." One of the benefits he gets from his open relationship is a chance
to have friends and other partners with whom he can crossdress.

For this style to be successful for you, you should be pretty good
at having a no-strings-attached sexual, BDSM, or other erotic experience. You must be very clear about your boundaries. If you have trouble
distinguishing lust from love, or if you easily get attached to or fall in
love with someone after a sexual experience, then keeping sex "on the
side" may be too challenging for you. Some people can't just fuck a
person and walk away. They need to get to know them first and make
a connection to even consider getting naked with them. For these folks,
attraction and chemistry aren't enough; the courtship of compliments,
seduction, and dating all contribute to their desire, and this focused
attention is necessary for a sexual relationship to work. If this rings true
for you, you may want to consider creating room for dating, as long as
it remains either casual or secondary, in your ideal style.

Potential Issues and Conflicts in This Style

In addition to the feelings and conflicts covered above and in later
chapters-jealousy, possessiveness, resentment, insecurity, shame and
guilt, time management problems, and when rules are broken-here
are some potential conflicts that may arise that are specific to partnered
nonmonogamy:

Sex or Play Becomes More

The most important aspect of this style is the commitment by both partners to make the primary relationship central and give all outside
experiences lower priority. To achieve this, you must keep your physical,
emotional, and psychological investment in other people low You can
take steps to prevent yourself from becoming too attached to an outside
partner, such as limiting your communication and social contact with
them; expending only a small amount of time on outside activities; and
spending a limited amount of money and resources on outside activities.
However, sex becomes something more sometimes, and people develop
deeper feelings. And sometimes people fall in love. Once you open up
your relationship, this is always a risk, since the way people connect and
the depth of emotions that arise cannot be predicted.

If deeper feelings emerge, the person having these feelings
must first of all be honest with their partner about them. This is not
a time to engage in denial or to protect your partner from being
hurt. You owe it to your partner to be up front about what's going
on. This can feel like a serious betrayal to him or her, and that must
be acknowledged.

The outcome of this conflict depends completely on the two of
you. Some couples break up over this issue, because it is a breach of
their intent to remain emotionally monogamous. Others agree to stay
together as long as the relationship with the new person is ended.
Others renegotiate their relationship to accommodate this change and
explore a different form of nonmonogamy: polyamory, which allows for
multiple loving relationships. (See Chapter 7 for more on polyamory)

An "On the Side" Desire Becomes Central

If the phrase "you want to explore a sexual, BDSM, or other activity
that your primary partner has no interest, experience, or skill in"
describes you, beware a particular pitfall. When you discover a desire
that doesn't fit in your relationship, ask yourself how critical this activ ity is to your identity and overall sexual satisfaction. Is it something
that your partner must be into for you to be truly intimate, or are you
okay sharing this with someone else? Maybe all you need is your primary partner's acknowledgment of this facet of your erotic life, and her
support and her blessing to explore it. Similarly, you must determine
if engaging in this activity only occasionally will be fulfilling for you,
since within the partnered nonmonogamy model most of your time
and energy is spent on your primary relationship.

BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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