Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (5 page)

In their book The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and
People, David P Barash and Judith Eve Lipton argue just the opposite: "In
attempting to maintain a social and sexual bond consisting exclusively
of one man and one woman, aspiring monogamists are going against
some of the deepest-seated evolutionary inclinations with which biology
has endowed most creatures, Homo sapiens included."' It's well documented that most animal species are actually not monogamous. Out of 4,000 species, only a few dozen choose one mate, have sex with only
that mate, and stay with that mate until one or both die(s).

This myth is based on the notion that monogamy is natural, normal,
and moral, and any relationship style that isn't monogamous is wrong.
As a society, we establish certain norms that change over time. These
norms are reinforced by institutions, including religion, government,
and the media. Our "nature" to be nonmonogamous has been documented by science (see previous myth). What is normal is always open
to debate. As for what is moral, unfortunately, religious conservatives
have a stranglehold on morality in this country Our morality is supposed to guide us to determine what's right and wrong. In my book,
what's right is following your heart and creating honest, ethical relationships that work for you.

Polygamy, a term used by academics, anthropologists, and researchers
primarily for classification purposes, is the practice of one person
having multiple spouses or partners. It exists in three forms: polygyny,
polyandry, and group marriage. Polygyny is the practice of one man
having several wives or female partners; polyandry is the practice of
one woman having multiple husbands or male partners; group marriage is a combination of polygyny and polyandry

In the United States, polygamy is most closely associated with
Mormonism. Beginning in the 1830s, the founder of The Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Joseph Smith, preached and practiced
plural marriage as an integral part of the Mormon faith. Smith's successor Brigham Young continued to promote plural marriage. The Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially outlawed polygamy in 1890.
Today, according to the leadership of the church, only certain fundamentalist sects of Mormonism teach polygamy as central to the religion and continue to practice it. What they practice is actually polygyny (one man
with multiple wives), though it is most often referred to as polygamy or
plural marriage. According to an informal survey reported in the Salt
Lake Tribune, there are 37,000 Mormon fundamentalists in the United
States, and about half live in polygamous relationships.'

The most controversial issue associated with the practice of polygamy
by Mormon fundamentalists is the issue of consent. Many Mormon expolygamists have made claims of coercion, kidnapping, brainwashing,
incest, and abuse, especially of young women who are married to
much older men without their consent. There are non-Mormons who
practice consensual multipartner relationships that fit the literal definition of polygamy; however, they usually call themselves polyamoroes
or polyfidelitous.

Research based on standard psychological testing has shown that people
in nonmonogamous relationships are no more or less dysfunctional,
narcissistic, neurotic, pathological, psychotic, or generally fucked up
than people in monogamous relationships.' This doesn't mean people in
open relationships are all well-adjusted and psychologically healthy It
just means that there's no difference between monogamous and nonmonogamous people when it comes this stuff. However, one study
showed that an individual in an open relationship tends to be "individualistic, an academic achiever, creative, nonconforming, stimulated by
complexity and chaos, inventive, relatively unconventional and indifferent to what others said, concerned about his/her own personal values
and ethical systems, and willing to take risks to explore possibilities."'
Because open relationships require well-developed relationship skills,
people in them tend to have more self-awareness, better communication
skills, and a better sense of self.

The assumption underlying this myth is that true intimacy can only be
achieved between two people in a monogamous relationship. In other
words, if you are emotionally and physically intimate with more than
one person, it somehow "dilutes" the intimacy of each relationship.
This is based on the notion that love is a quantifiable thing: If you have
100 pounds of love, you can give 100 pounds to your partner, but if
you have multiple partners, you have to split the 100 pounds between
them. Intimacy is about being willing to be open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner and bonding on a deep level. Monogamy does
not automatically foster intimacy in a relationship, any more than nonmonogamy fosters a lack of intimacy Furthermore, nonmonogamous
relationships often involve the same level of commitment as monogamous ones. People in nonmonogamous relationships are not avoiding
intimacy or commitment, they are cultivating a relationship style that
meets their needs and works for them.

This myth goes along with the previous one, the idea that nonmonogamous people cannot commit to one person or choose between them. Its
quite the opposite: most nonmonogamous people are very clear about
why they choose nonmonogamy and what they want and need out of
their relationships. And its not that they can't choose between partners,
it's that they don't want to and believe strongly that they don't have to.

While a polyamorous person may have several lovers, polyamory is
not simply all about sex. Polyamorous relationships may encompass
friendship, companionship, support, camaraderie, love, intimacy, connection, commitment. All that said, having an active sex life with
more than one person isn't a bad thing.

Having multiple sexual partners at the same time does not automatically put you at greater risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Having unprotected sex with an individual infected with an STI or an
individual whose STI status you do not know puts you at greater risk
for contracting an STI. There is no evidence that nonmonogamous people
have a higher rate of STIs than monogamous people. Furthermore,
every person I interviewed cited safer sex as one of the main rules of
their open relationships.

Cheating involves lying, deception, and breaking a commitment previously made. For nonmonogamy to be successful, everyone must tell
the truth and respect the rules agreed upon. Consensual nonmonogamy
means that all parties involved have agreed to the arrangement.

Children need parents and other adults in their lives who are committed to raising them with love, support, respect, and understanding.
Although conservatives want us to believe that the heterosexual
nuclear family is the best environment in which to raise children, that
family unit has been shown over and over to be as dysfunctional as any
other type of family-if not more so. Today, plenty of children are
raised by so-called nontraditional families consisting of one mother,
two mothers, one father, two fathers, two divorced parents, one or
more stepparents, a grandparent, or some combination thereof. The
important thing is for children to have stability and for parents to be
honest with them about their relationships.

FROM SEXUAL VARIETY AND FANTASY to personal growth and
fulfillment, there are many different reasons why people choose nonmonogamy Before I outline some of the popular motivations, I'll caution
you against some potentially problematic ones. If you are considering
expanding your monogamous relationship to a nonmonogamous one,
don't do so out of discontent or dissatisfaction with your current relationship, believing that bringing other people into the mix will fix it.
This is a surefire path to disaster-opening up the relationship will
only highlight its problems. Don't attempt an open relationship
because you think its the cool, hip thing to do or because everyone
around you is in one. Also, you should not feel pressured or coerced
by your partner to explore nonmonogamy You both must be on the
same page if is going to have a chance of working.

If you are considering an open relationship, first evaluate yourself thoroughly and honestly to determine whether venturing beyond monogamy is right for you. Here are some questions for you to contemplate, write
about in a journal, or talk about with a friend, partner, or therapist:

What are your beliefs about monogamy?

• If you've been in monogamous relationships before, how did
you feel in those relationships, and how did they work or not
work for you?

• Do you believe that someone can love/be in love with more
than one person at a time?

• What role does sex play in your relationships? How important
is it to you? What does it mean to you?

• Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are
sex and love related or not related?

• Have you ever had a "fuck buddy" or "friend with benefits"?
What worked and didn't work about the relationship?

If you are currently in a relationship:

• What is the state of the relationship? Does it feel stable and
secure?

• What are your most common conflicts with your partner?

• Do both partners want to explore a different structure?

• Do you have sexual needs, desires, and fantasies that aren't
being fulfilled?

Imagine your partner having sex with another person. It's important to
be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what
that would be like.

• What feelings does that bring up?

• What would be your worst fear?

• What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like?

• What would be an absolute deal breaker?

Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person. It's
important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself
feel what that would be like.

• What feelings does that bring up?

• What would be your worst fear?

• What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like?

• What would be an absolute deal breaker?

How do you handle feelings?

• Do you consider yourself a jealous person? How do you deal
with intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?

• Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them to others?

• When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it
to yourself or share it?

• Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly,
even about difficult issues?

• When conflict arises, how do you usually handle it?

How available are you?

• Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one love
relationship?

• Do you have the energy to devote to several different people
and juggle multiple lovers?

• Do you have access to potential partners who have nonmonogamy experience and strong relationship skills?

• Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to
be in an open relationship?

If you've never been in an open relationship of any kind, you may be
wondering why people choose them and what they get out of them. People choose to create nonmonogamous relationships for many different reasons, and I will explore some of the most common in this
chapter. One or more of the following may ring true for you or echo
your own experience.

For those who have a primary partner and choose to explore only sex
(no emotional attachment or relationships) with other people, erotic
desire is the driving force. Maybe you've always had fantasies about sex
with someone other than your current partner, bringing a third person
into the bedroom, or hooking up at a party while others watched.
Many long-term couples find that having additional sexual partners
keeps their relationship fresh, breaks up monotony and routine, adds
excitement to their sex life, and brings them closer to each other.

How can sex with someone else increase the intimacy between
primary partners? For some people, sharing their fantasies with each
other-even if those fantasies are about other people-is an important
step toward building closeness. Eli likes to explore with other people
different kinds of sex that his partner doesn't enjoy; he says, "It enables
me to show different aspects of my sexuality to those who appreciate
them most." When couples explore a fantasy together, it can be a special,
exciting, bonding event; just as some couples go mountain-climbing or
skydiving together, others go on sexual adventures. You can talk about
your experiences afterward, and your different perspectives may give
you new insight into each other's sexuality.

In general, after a night of [playing with others], we are very hot
for each other have the most amazing sex, and have the strongest
feelings of confidence in our own relationship. -Jack

Many people say that their discovery of nonmonogamy resulted from
their dissatisfaction with monogamy: the monogamous relationships
they've had just didn't seem like a good fit for them. Some feel that the
structure and expectations of monogamy are confining, stifling, and
unnatural and that they simply aren't "wired" for monogamy. From
the time they began dating and having relationships, they've always
preferred several partners to just one, and they enjoy exploring different kinds of relationships and dynamics with different people. In an
interview about the study she conducted on brain activity of people in
love, Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry
of Romantic Love, says: