Our Eternal Curse I (7 page)

To an observer it was extremely
clear that Young Gaius and Julia liked each other very much but while she
respected his intelligence and reveled in the warm secure feeling his
conversation stirred within she could not let herself relax.  As much as she
hunted for the passion that Sulla had inspired it would not come because
Julia’s fragile subconscious could not risk letting her guard down a second
time.  Allowing love into her heart had caused nothing but pain it was simply
too dangerous to even consider so this fear of emotional attachment presented a
dilemma because Julia wanted to exact retribution on Sulla through the house of
Marius yet hated the idea of hurting this very sensitive boy.

When he mentioned his imminent
posting to Hispania and his father’s estates in that far-off country Julia’s
hunger for security and vengeance rapidly invented the illogical
rationalization her defensive mind needed.  If he finds someone with no worth
appealing it can only mean he is also worthless and that twisted logic gave
Julia’s dysfunctional subconscious the justification it required to begin her
scheming.

By the time they arrived at
Sulla’s secret home Young Gaius was hopelessly in love and Julia was silently
lost in the enormity of building an entirely fictional character.  Saying that
she was going to take on a new identity to Cecilia was a far simpler task than
deceiving a real person and Julia was totally unnerved by complexity of the
task ahead, but the thought of hurting Sulla and the chance of bringing her
“lions” home gave her the strength and motivation to proceed.

Nudging Julia in an embarrassed
fashion Cecilia said, “Young Gaius is talking to you darling.”

Looking at Young Gaius as though
woken from a dream Julia asked, “I am sorry, please forgive me what did you
say?”

“
May we meet again?” repeated Young Gaius while
standing outside the front door of Sulla’s home.

“
I would like that very much,” replied Julia with a
smile.

Having bid Cecilia goodnight he
kissed both on the hand and walked away smiling.

Closing the door behind them
Julia and Cecilia chatted and giggled until they noticed the fearful looks on
the faces of their fellow house slaves.  Sulla was home.  Had he been less
drunk he may have observed the fond farewell at the front door but as it was he
was far too befuddled to notice anything.  Sitting on a couch he looked up at
Julia with the same glare that she alone had seen at the Circus Maximus. 
“Marius!” he boomed while tottering to his feet and weaving towards her. “Why
is it always fucking Marius?  I have played second fiddle to that cripple of a
man for years and today of all days he steals my thunder!”

Julia gave no answer to his
rhetorical question as he pushed her violently towards her sleeping chamber. 
Knowing what was about to happen Julia’s mind escaped like the white doves she
had watched the Senators release at the Circus Maximus.  Any remaining thoughts
of reconciling her love were buried once and for all as Julia silently hovered
above and watched Sulla abuse her detached body then fall asleep on top of her
before he could finish his ungainly act of copulation.

Cecilia rolled the comatose
Sulla away from Julia’s bruised body and cradling her surrogate daughter as she
wept for the injustice.  Two of the strongest household slaves carried their
drunken master to his sleeping chamber where they covered him carefully with a
sheet and left him to his troubled night’s sleep.

This was the first time Sulla
had slept in the house for many years and all of his servants maintained a
fearful vigil.  None thought of sleeping as they spent the night making sure
that everything in the house was in order.  If he woke in the same mood they
could all lose their home; even their lives.  It was well within his power to
have his slaves crucified for no reason whatsoever but in the morning he simply
woke up and walked out of the house, he spoke to no one and noticed nothing.

Cecilia sat with Julia stroking
her hair while she slept through the night fearful of a return to her depressed
state. The turmoil in Julia’s mind fueled nightmares that rocked her body and
Cecilia could do nothing in the dark but cling on until Julia eventually
stopped moving.  Cecilia did not know it but Julia had retreated into the dream
of herself standing on the deck of a ship with the handsome man and the
realization that the man was, and had always been, Young Gaius.

At dawn, a wave of relief passed
though Cecilia as Julia woke up and went about her morning routine as though
nothing had happened.  Unbeknown to Cecilia the real Julia was now too far
hidden to be affected by someone like Sulla; the new Julia could cope with
anything.  It was time for someone else to get hurt she was going to have
vengeance in her own time and on her own terms.

Young Gaius called on Julia the
next day and the day after that and every day until his departure for
Hispania.  They sat by the fountains in the center courtyard of what he
naturally assumed to be her home and talked about his hopes and dreams.  Julia
professed the hopes and dreams of the character she had adopted which helped
her flesh out the role.

Cecilia ordered the youngest
house slaves to stand on all four street corners and run to the house if they
saw Sulla returning.  They were taking a great risk but having assessed the
danger both Cecilia and Julia thought it safe for Young Gaius to visit because
Sulla never came to his secret home during the day.  They also knew that he was
occupying all of his time with the Senate.

The expensive home was an
important part of Julia’s pretence and worth the considerable risk anyway using
Sulla’s house to court the son of his enemy gave them both spiteful
satisfaction.  Had the innocent young man been able to look at anyone other
than Julia, Young Gaius may have noticed a number of very worried house slaves
milling constantly by the front door but he was totally captivated by her
charm.

The first time Julia was invited
to dine at the home of the Father of Rome, Young Gaius ten sent his personal
body servant, his mother’s best litter and strong slaves to carry her and
Cecilia through the streets.  They did not live far from the Gaius home and
when accompanied the evening journey was quite safe even during these turbulent
times.  At dinner Julia acted her part wonderfully but Cecilia appeared shy and
withdrawn.  Politely smiling from time to time Cecilia said nothing in case her
words expressed the fear that made even thinking difficult.

As the fully trained head slave
of an aristocratic household Cecilia understood etiquette and the
idiosyncrasies of polite dinner conversation intimately but even so she was terrified
of giving the game away with something as simple as using her hands when she
should be using a knife to eat.  The very reason Julia looked so at home in
this environment was due to her training but even so Cecilia felt afraid.  It
was lucky for her that although Roman women were well educated they were rarely
included in dinner conversations.  Only the men spoke to each other so
Cecilia’s lack of speech was far less out of place than Julia’s remarkable
ability to converse.

As they ate Marius told Julia of
his lifetime of travels throughout the empire and spoke of military campaigns
that happened before she was born.  Great campaigns all over the Republic many
ending in fabulous battles which had become part of Roman folklore.  Julia
listened intently to all of his tales but the ones that interested her most
were the stories concerning Hispania.  She deliberately steered the
conversation towards that peninsular country because she wanted to know the
potential of the holdings that Young Gaius would eventually inherit.  It took
some time for him to get to the estates but she listen patiently because she
found his stories of taming wild tribes during his tour as young Proconsul of
Hispania very interesting.

When he talked about his Spanish
interests her mind came alive because the size of his properties were nothing
short of staggering.  These were not just small farms these were vast areas of
Hispania given to Marius by a grateful Senate.  Marius also explained that he
owned significant mines which produced great quantities of precious stones and
metals.  At the end of her conversation Julia realized to her delight that
Marius and eventually his son was one of the richest men in Rome.

The evening was a great success
for everyone.  Marius approved of Julia and had no objection to his son
pursuing her romantically.  Young Gaius fell even deeper in love because
parental approval was the only thing that a proper young Roman needed.  His
father had not known Julia’s family personally even though he had been to Brundisium
many years before but that was hardly a matter for suspicion the Republic was a
very big place and many highbred families were strangers to him.

As the evening concluded Gaius
Marius ordered his personal bodyguard to escort them home and once inside Julia
and Cecilia sat in the kitchen giggling nervously, Julia’s mirth driven by the
realization of how far she would be able to take her act; Cecilia’s because she
was still alive, never in her life had she been more afraid than that night in
the home of Gaius Marius.

When the time for his departure
came Young Gaius no longer wanted to leave Rome because of his love for Julia
but like all young Romans he had a strong sense of duty which drove him to
answer the call.  Prior to his departure the lovebirds spent every possible
moment together talking about such things as his childhood in the countryside
and her upbringing by the sea in Brundisium.  Even mundane things like the
boring estates were discussed and he felt so lucky what other young lady in Rome
would want to share so much of his life?  He did not even think to question any
part of her story because as Julia said herself she valued honesty above all
else.

The day of departure was
eventually upon them and standing on the quay at the harbor of Ostia Julia made
him promise to fill his letters with every detail of his experiences in
Hispania. “Only if I know all that you are doing will I know how you are truly
feeling,” was how she explained it and he in turn made Julia promise to wait
for him.  “I will be back in a year or two at the most,” he said as he boarded
the galley for Hispania.

Julia agreed without hesitation,
she wasn’t going anywhere after all she thought while waving his ship into the
distance it was through him that she was going to free herself from depending
on anyone ever again.

Two months later a scroll tied
with a bright red ribbon arrived and Julia reveled in the feelings of maturity
that opening her first ever letter provoked.  She broke the wax seal which bore
an impression of the crest engraved on her fiancé’s ring and began to read the
first of many letters from Hispania.

Dearest Julia.

I have been missing you terribly
from the very moment our lines were let go at Ostia.  Please thank your mother
for accompanying you on the journey to see me off.  You looked magnificent
standing on the quay waving goodbye.  I could see you waving until we were a
long way into the distance.  My friends all admired you and told me what a
lucky fellow I am but of course no one knows better than I how lucky I am to
have you waiting for me at home my darling.

It has been only a month since
we last embraced but it feels longer than any year of my life.  I am now
writing to you from Hispania and after spending only one day in this hot dry
country I have so much to tell you and don’t know where to begin.

We put into the island of
Corsica not long after leaving Italy to pick up some fresh galley slaves,
apparently the Corsicans make good oarsmen.  Corsica is a small island and the
people of the Roman population greeted us and made us most welcome.

My journey across the ocean was
an experience I will never forget.  At night I would lay on the deck where my
fellow officers and I slept, just staring at the stars.  They seem to burn more
brightly when on board a galley.  I do not know why but the Captain of our
vessel told us that this is how it always is on the ocean and the noises on a
galley during the night are always pleasing to the ear.  The ropes creak, the
water laps against the hull and all the time as I lay there, I would think of
you.

As a soldier who is untrained in
the arts, I do not possess the vocabulary, which can adequately express how I
felt during this voyage.  All I can do is describe my emotions truthfully.  I
felt profound feelings of familiarity; it was as though I had made such a
journey before.  All of the noises were known to me, even the motion of the
ship under my feet inspired memories, but the most peculiar thing of all was
the memory of making this crossing with you.  I think you will agree that this
is a very strange state of affairs when one considers that neither of us has
ever been out of Italy in our lives.

Anyway I digress.  You will be
interested to hear that the legions arrived ahead of us and were already camped
awaiting our arrival.  They marched all the way from Rome in unbelievable
time.  They took the Via Aurelia the road that follows the coast and saved
themselves days.  You being from the south will not know the area they tell me
it is a lovely part of Italy full of olive groves and I hope that we can visit
there one day in the future.  The officers who marched with the legions are
returning to Rome when the galleys leave.  How I envy them but I must stay and
do my duty I am so glad that you understand the need for me to be away at this
time.

I will write to you once I have
had a chance to survey our estates and let you know how they are doing.  It is
so good of you to take an interest in something as boring as olive groves and
vineyards.

Please write soon I long to hear
from you.

All my love.

Marius

With her ever present guilt
fighting for an audience it dawned on Julia that she was going to be reading a
great deal of his heartfelt emotions.  Raw panic possessed Julia as it also
dawned on her that she would have to respond to these intimate thoughts in an
equally personal manner if she wanted to retrieve the required information. 
Allowing her real feelings for Young Gaius to the forefront was simply too
dangerous for her defensive subconscious to consider it would never condone
such a potentially damaging act but a solution would have to be found none the
less.

A method of communication would
have to be devised to hold his interest while detaching Julia from the shame of
causing him pain and the inevitable answer was delivered in a thought which
crossed her conscious mind as though it was the most logical thing in the
world.  Her father had hurt her, Joseph betrayed her, Sulla still hurt her and
all three sources of pain were men, the next delusional step was obvious. If
men cause pain they are bad and as Young Gaius is a man he must be bad.

Returning her guilt to its
hiding place Julia began writing a fabricated reply which was justified by her
conclusion that as a man it was he who must somehow be using her for his ends
and this strange logic allowed her to ignore his absolute integrity.