Out Bad (15 page)

“Stop laughing.”  Gwen pushed
hard against his chest.  She was a strong woman, in more ways than
one.  That only made him want to hold on to her tighter.

“I can do that.”  He gripped
her tighter, pulling her up on her tip toes.  She wasn’t as tall without
her big girl shoes so he had to bring her mouth up to his.   A gasp
proved he’d caught her by surprise.  He wasn’t sure if she would let him
keep kissing her or if he was going to end up getting his tongue bit, but the
feel of her lips against his would be worth the injury.  All he’d thought
about since watching her walk out of Heath and Gabbi’s was if he would ever get
to feel her against him again.  Have her taste in his mouth.  Hold
her tightly in his arms.

He decided one way or another, he
would.

Her body softened almost
immediately, molding against his.  Her arms snaked around his neck,
squeezing him tightly against her as she deepened the kiss, sweeping her tongue
into his mouth. 

He held her firmly with one arm
around her waist and slid the other hand up her back to wrap his fingers in the
soft strands of her hair.  She kissed him like he had never been kissed
before, full of emotions he couldn’t even begin to identify.  Like she was
drowning, clinging to him hoping he could save her.

But as much as he was enjoying
finally having her in his arms again, they needed to talk.  Now. 

Slowly, he loosened his grip,
letting her slide down his body, until her feet were firmly on the floor. 
He kept his hand on the back of her head and tugged her hair gently to bring
her eyes to his.  “We need to talk.”

She nodded her head.  Her eyes
darted to the kitchen.  “Want some coffee?”

She was stalling and he decided to
let her.  He wasn’t in a hurry to disclose his darker secrets. 
“Sure.”

He watched as she went to the
kitchen.  The woman looked just as sexy in a pair of stretchy pants as she
did in those skin tight jeans she wore the first night he met her.

The sound of coffee hitting a cup
was quickly followed by the rich smell of dark roasted beans and—

“Is that Bailey’s?”

Gwen looked at him, her coffee cup
suspended in the air at her lips.  “Want some?”

“Yeah.”

She handed him a cup as she passed
him to go sit on the couch. 

He followed, taking a sip of what
tasted mostly like alcohol and sat beside Gwen on the couch.   He
waited, hoping she might initiate the conversation, but she just sat quietly,
holding her coffee in her lap as she stared across the room, as if in her own
world.  He was going to have to get this conversation going, but he had no
idea where to even start.  He would just have to wing it.

“Why didn’t you call me
back?”  He watched her, hoping she would give something away, give him
something to guess at what was going on inside her head, but she didn’t
move.  Maybe she hadn’t heard him.  He opened his mouth to repeat the
question when she finally spoke softly, her voice barely a whisper.

“I wanted you to just go away.”

“Why?”

After more than a few minutes of
anxious silence, she finally took a deep breath.  “I was engaged a long
time ago.”

Jealousy and anger flooded him in a
way that caught him by surprise.  Knowing another man almost had what he
was beginning to consider his, made his skin burn.  But she wasn’t married
to that man and probably remained single ever since which meant that he hurt
her terribly. 

Joe had fought many times in his
life.  More times that he could count.  Never before had he wanted to
hurt a man like he did the ass that devastated the woman beside him.  He
had broken her and now Joe wanted to break him. 

“And then he died.”

****

Joe looked like she could blow him
over.  The color drained from his face and his mouth was hanging open in
shock.  Obviously this was not what he was expecting to hear. 

Welcome to my world. 

This was a conversation she had
avoided for years. 
Years.
  But whether it was the release or
the company, now that she started it, Gwen found it difficult to stop.

“We met while I was still in
college.  He came into the restaurant where I was a waitress every day for
lunch.  When I graduated, I took over the business end of the bike shop he
owned.”

Gwen swallowed hard.  “One day
I got a call that he’d wrecked on his bike.  I guess he swerved to miss an
animal and he was thrown off.  He died instantly.”

She took a deep breath.  She
had never spoken about what happened.  With anyone.  Not her
sister.  Not her parents.  No one.  She had just packed up the
day after Jason’s funeral and left.  Walked away from anything that could
remind her of all she’d lost that day. 

That made it even more surprising
how good it felt to finally talk about it.  About him.  And with the
only other man who was able to make her feel the way Jason made her feel.

“I loved him so much.  Being
with him was always so easy.”  She fingered the fine fringe edging the
blanket that hung over the arm of her couch.  “Losing him was…”  She
shook her head as she tried to keep her tears at bay for a little longer. 

She turned back to Joe.  The
color was back in his face.  Now his dark eyebrows were drawn together,
the fine lines across his brow deepened.

“I don’t want to go through that
again.”  Her voice wavered for the first time since she started
explaining.  She blinked hard

She felt the sob before it seized
her body.  The pain of it as it forced its way through her felt like a
knife slicing her in two.  Her hands flew to her mouth, trying to keep it
in, stop the pain from escaping.  It was too much.  It had always
been too much.  More than she was able to handle.  A pain so deep she
had never been able to bear it.  So she didn’t. 

In the years since Jason died, she
never grieved.  She worried if she allowed herself to start, the pain of
the loss would never end.  Just the thought of all she lost was
overwhelming, incomprehensible.  Every plan she had for her life died with
him that day.  Accepting and dealing with the loss of him, meant also
realizing the loss of the marriage she would never have, the children they
would never share, the end of most of her life as well.

She wanted to stuff the aching pain
that consumed her body back down deep inside, protecting herself from the hell
it unleashed. But she couldn’t.  She fought it for so long and she was so
very tired.  Tired of hiding.  Tired of avoiding anything or anywhere
that might trigger a memory and risk unleashing the beast. The beast that was
tearing her apart now.

Through the haze of tears and
sadness, she felt Joe’s arms holding her tightly.  She wrapped her arms
around his neck as she cried against his chest, unable to stop even if she
wanted to.

She cried for what seemed like
hours.  Long enough that by the time she ran out of tears, the evening sun
dipped out of sight leaving the room draped in heavy shadows.

The calloused pads of his fingers
scraped in a wonderful way against her forehead as he brushed the hair clinging
to her skin.  “Just breathe.”  His voice was so soft, his touch so
tender.  Such a contrast to the huge almost imposing figure he cut. 
She tipped her head back against his shoulder and looked up at his face. 

His dark gaze searched hers. 
The intensity in his eyes when he looked at her made it seem as if, at least
for this moment, the entirety of his focus was pinpointed.  On her. 
The almost black depths held her mesmerized, barely able to discern where his
pupil ended and iris began. 

“Everything is going to be okay Gwen.  I promise. 
I’m not going anywhere.”

“There are people who want to hurt you.  Maybe even -”,
she couldn’t say it. 

“I should have told you everything from the
beginning.”  Joe sighed and pulled her further onto his lap, tucking her
under his chin as he leaned back into the couch.  “I was in a--”

“Stop.”  Gwen softly stroked his arm so he would know
she wasn’t upset with him or his past.  “I don’t think I can handle
hearing this right now.”  She tucked her face into his neck and snuggled
deeper into his lap.  Right now, she just wanted to be close to him. 
Feel close to him.  Not worry about who might be trying to rip him away
from her.

“Tell me something else.  Tell me about your parents.”

Gwen felt his body tense up.  She leaned back to look
at him.  If she had any tears left, the look of sadness on his face would
have drug them from her eyes.

“That’s not any happier of a story.”  His voice was
flat and hard, the lines of pain etched into his face obvious in the darkness.

Gwen rested a palm on each side of his face.  His skin
was warm under her palms.  “Are there any happy stories?”

She felt him smile.  “I think they’re coming.”

She almost walked away.  From a man who just wanted to
be happy.  Maybe even for the first time in his life.  All because
she was scared something would happen to him.  She was too afraid of
losing him to risk being with him.

That made less than no sense.  Especially now.

“Stay the night with me.”  Gwen held her breath. 
The words had fallen out so quickly she couldn’t stop them.  Not that she
would have.  She wanted Joe.  In more ways than she was even ready
for, but that was a different problem for a different day.

Joe reached up and brushed his thumb across her lips. 
“No.”

As awful as it was the first time Joe turned her down, this
time was almost worse.  She needed to be with him.  Needed to feel
his body on her, around her, in her.

“Sweetheart as much as I would love to, I would have a real
hard time looking at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning.”  

Damn it.

Gwen snuggled down, nuzzling into his neck.  She nipped
at the skin behind his ear, smiling as his body twitched under her
behind.  “Maybe I could try to persuade you.”

“You could try,” his voice caught as she nibbled his earlobe
between her teeth, “but then I would have to leave.”

****

Gwen twisted her hair up off her sticky neck and opened her
personal laptop.  The building’s air was out and almost everyone in the
office chose to work from home today.  She’d missed the memo and rushed in
to make sure everything was where she expected it to be after her little two
day mental vacation.

She came in to find a sweltering, empty office.  And
everything handled perfectly.  Thanks to Richard.

She looked at the clock.  It was only 10:00. 
Normally she was running around the office, checking to make sure things were
running smoothly and wondering where the day went. 

Now, she was sitting in her eighty degree office bored and
realizing she might be kind of a pain in the ass to work for. 

So, she surfed the internet for a little while, ordering the
girls matching princess costumes and herself a very low cut wrap maxi
dress.  If Joe was going to insist on taking things slow, the least she
could do was make it excruciating for him.

She tapped her fingertips on her desk as she considered just
how much cyber stalking was too much.  At what point did mere curiosity
jump off the cliff and land on the crazy train?

She’d already paid for a freaking background check, so
staring at a satellite map of Joe’s house was technically a step back, right?

Close enough.

She entered Joe’s address and squinted at the screen. 
He was right.  He lived pretty far out.  His roof was the only one
that showed up on the screen.  If she scooted the frame to the right or
left she could find a few more houses spread out over what looked like mostly
woods and fields.

She clicked on the street view, figuring there wouldn’t be a
picture available.  To her surprise, there was.  It was a little
blurry, and blocked by a couple of fir trees, but she could still see the
two-story, white, wood-sided farmhouse.

She touched the screen.  That was the house Joe bought
to raise his kids in.

Maybe her kids in.

Gwen blinked as tears ran down her cheeks.  She almost
thought that children, a husband, those were things that had passed her
by.  Lost to her forever. 

She wiped at her cheeks and tugged a tissue free from the
box on her desk.  Was it wrong to still be sad?  When Jason died, it
felt like a double loss.  Him along with the children they planned to have
one day soon.  Children who already had names and whole lives planned out
for them.

Gwen swallowed a sob as she opened a new search
window.  She needed help.

Therapists.

She typed the word into her search engine and stared at it a
minute.  What if she had gone to see someone years ago?  Where would
she be now?  Would she be married?  Would she have children? 
Maybe, but it wouldn’t be with Joe.

That was a life she couldn’t even begin to imagine. 
Joe had been the only person who she’d felt comfortable enough to talk about
the loss of Jason with.  One of the few people to see right through
her.  He was the only man she could picture in her future. 

But having a future with him meant dealing with her past.

She hit enter and scrolled down the list of names.  She
clicked on a few and scanned their websites and credentials.  About twenty
entries into the list she saw a familiar name.

Jarod
Harvel
LPC.

She’d gone to school with him.  He was a nice enough
guy, but that wasn’t what made her pause. 

Jarod
lost his wife in a car
accident.

She picked up her cell and punched in the numbers under his
name.  Hopefully he would be okay seeing her considering their shared
circumstances.

“Are you sure?”

Heath shrugged.  “I mean, you can’t ever be completely
sure with these guys, but it sounds like what we were hearing was more rumor
than anything.”

Joe leaned back in his chair.  He looked at the
pictures of Gabbi and the girls pinned to the blue fabric walls of Heath’s
cubicle.  “I can’t do anything that might put you guys in danger.” 
The thought of those girls being scared or hurt because of him made Joe sick to
his stomach.

Heath shook his head.  “I don’t think it’s us you would
have to worry about anyway.  The Sixes aren’t going to want to risk
messing with the wife or kids of a cop.”

“Do you want me to stay away from Gwen?”  Joe held his
breath.  If Heath told him to, he would.  It wouldn’t be easy and he
sure as hell wouldn’t be happy about it, but he would do anything if it kept
Gwen safe.

Heath raised his eyebrows.  “I don’t know that it would
matter.”  He chuckled and shook his head.  “You might stay away from
her, but I don’t know that she would be willing to return the favor.”

Joe couldn’t help the grin that tugged at his mouth. 
“She’s something, isn’t she?”

Heath laughed out loud.  “Oh, she’s something
alright.”  He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.  “I
think right now, we just need to keep our ears to the wall.  I don’t get
the feeling there was ever any real threat, just a couple drunks acting meaner
than they are.”

Joe stared at the floor as he remembered holding Gwen in his
arms while she cried.  This whole thing is what started it, reminding her
of one of the hardest times of her life. 

“Is it always going to be like this?” Having this hanging
over his head was one thing, but now he knew what the constant worry could do
to Gwen. 

Heath shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I hope not. 
Hopefully, the Sixes get a new president and everyone forgets all about you.”

Joe nodded.  He’d moved across state lines, kept to
himself, done his best to move on and make-up for all the years he spent living
the wrong way, but it kept coming back to bite him.

“What’s going on with you and Gwen?  You know Gabbi’s
been driving me crazy about it.”

Joe gave him a grin.  “That woman drives you crazy
always.”

Heath blew out a long breath.  “
Ain’t
that the truth.”

“And you love it.”  Joe stood up to leave.

Heath gave him a devilish smile.  “Better watch
it.  You’re well on your way to being in the same boat as me.  I’ve got
money says
Gwen’ll
put her sister to shame.”

Another cop poked his head into Heath’s cubicle.  “You
talking about that hot ass sister-in-law of yours?”  He stepped fully into
view.  “When you
gonna
hook me up with her?”

The cop beside him couldn’t be over thirty.  He still
had baby fat around his cheeks.  The kid wiggled his eyebrows at
Heath.  “You know I’m a nice guy.  I’d treat her good.”  He
elbowed Joe.  “Real good. 
Ya
know what I
mean?”

Heath looked from the rookie cop to Joe and back again
before he busted out laughing.  He pointed out the opening of the padded
dividers.  “If I were you, I’d be trying to put as much space between
myself and Gwen’s boyfriend as I could.”

Babyface
slowly turned his head
toward Joe who resisted the urge to straighten up to his full six foot two inch
frame.  No reason to scare the kid.  Especially in front of Heath.

“Man, I didn’t mean anything by it.  I’m sorry.  I
didn’t know she was--”

Joe held up his hand, cutting him off.  “I get
it.  But for future reference, I wouldn’t tell a man how good I’m going to
be to his wife’s sister.”

“Please don’t.”  Heath held up his hands.  “I
don’t want to know.”

“Nope.  You’re right.”  The young cop started
backing out of the cubicle.

Joe stuck out his hand.  “I’m Heath’s friend Joe
Parker.  No hard feelings.  Gwen’s one hell of a catch.  I’d
worry if you didn’t want to take her out.”

The cop looked at Joe’s hand, then back at his face before
finally taking the handshake.  “Thanks man.  I’m Randy.  Randy
Quiad
.”

Joe squinted at the kid.  “Did you say Randy
Quaid
.”

Randy sighed.  “My dad really liked those vacation
movies.  You know, ‘shitter’s full’, that guy?”

Joe dropped Randy’s hand.  “Your parents named you
after Cousin Eddy?”

“Yeah.”

“Tough break.”

“That’s why I wanted to be a cop.  So nobody would give
me shit anymore.”

Joe turned to look at Heath knowing damn well how that went
for the kid.

Heath put his hands up defensively.  “I can’t help
it.”  He pointed at Randy.  “He’s Randy
fuckin
’
Quaid
.”

Joe turned back to the kid.  “Well, at least most
people can’t give you shit.”

Randy shrugged.

Joe patted him on the back as he walked behind him and out
of the cubicle.  “I’m heading out Heath.  Call me.”  He looked
at Randy.  “It was nice to meet you Officer
Quaid
.”

“You too.”

Joe waved over his shoulder as he headed out of the precinct
offices.  It still felt odd to be a welcome visitor in a place like
this.  If someone told him ten years ago his best friend in the world
would be a cop, he would have laughed them right out on their ass.

Now he might have two cop friends.

Joe jumped in his work van.  Under different
circumstances he would be on his bike, but it didn’t seem like a good idea,
especially after the run in he and Heath had last week.  The Sixes were a
Texas based club.  There was no good reason for them to be in
Alabama.  Technically, there was no good reason for them to be anywhere.

Joe started the van and dialed Gwen’s number.  It was
after five on a Friday and he was really hoping she would leave work at a
reasonable hour.  He wanted to see her.  Wanted to hold her while
they watched a movie on her couch and ate take-out.

As he waited for the phone to connect, he realized he’d
never taken Gwen out.  He cringed.  Gwen was different than any other
woman he’d ever known, even Gabbi, and it threw him off his game.  Or
maybe he just wanted to keep her all to himself.  Either way, he was not
doing a very good job at courting a woman he very much wanted to be his.

He was going to have to step it up.  A lot.

Her phone went straight to voicemail.  She was still at
work.  Damn.  “Hey Gwen, I was thinking maybe we could go out
tonight.  Maybe a nice dinner.  Call me.” 

He put the van in drive and directed it to the closest
florist he knew.  He was asking a lot of Gwen and it was time to show her
how much he appreciated her being in his life, and maybe convince her to take
up permanent residence.

****

 Gwen uncrossed and re-crossed her legs, shifting on
the leather two-seater couch. 

“How life been Gwen?”

She cleared her throat.  She’d expected to sit down and
start pouring her heart out.  It was long overdue and she was ready. 
More than ready, but she was struggling with where and how to even start.

“Um, good.” 

Jarod
sat silently across from her
in a wingback chair, legs crossed, his ankle resting on his knee.

“Fine.”  She chewed her lip.

“Hard.”

Jarod
nodded.  “I heard about
Jason.”

Gwen bit her lip harder and nodded back.  She didn’t
want to sit and cry through this whole hour.  She had things she needed to
work out and it was going to be nearly impossible if she bawled the whole time.

“What do you do for work?”

Gwen let out a breath in relief.  Work was easy. 
She could talk about her work in her sleep.  Probably did.

“I’m in finance.  Restructuring mostly.”

Jarod
folded his hands in his
lap.  “You like it?”

Gwen shrugged.  “It keeps me busy.  It pays well.”

“But do you like it?”

Gwen cocked her head at him.  “Should I?”

Jarod
gave her a little
shrug.  “I guess that depends on what you want out of life.”

“I just want to be happy.”

“Are you happy?” 
Jarod’s
voice was quiet and calm, making that very difficult question a little easier
to consider.

Gwen thought about her nieces, and her sister and Heath… and
Joe.  “Yes.”  She swallowed.  “And no.”

She swiped at the corner of her eye, catching the tiny tear
before it had the chance to collect and escape.  “I’m just tired.”

“Physically?”

She nodded.

“What about emotionally?”

She nodded again, trying to breathe deep through the
tightness building in her throat.

“Let’s start with why you're physically tired.”

This guy was good.  Gwen relaxed a little. 
“Okay.”

“Do you work too much?”

“Probably.”  She rubbed the hem of her skirt between
her fingers as she thought about his question.  “Yes.”

“Do they ask that of you?”

“No, it’s just really busy and I’m in charge of a lot of
different accounts.  Making sure things are done correctly takes a
lot.”  Gwen took a drink of the water
Jarod
gave
her before they started.  Her throat was still so tight it was difficult
to swallow.

“Do you have people that help you?”

“Oh, I have a whole team.”

Jarod
furrowed his brow. 
“Are they good employees?”

“Yeah, they work really hard for me.”

Jarod
raised his eyebrows. 
“So why do you have to work so hard to make sure things are done correctly?”

Gwen tapped her fingertips on her knee as she tried to come
up with an explanation.  “I just want to be sure everything’s okay.”

“So you micromanage?”

Gwen scoffed.  “No.”  She shook her head.  He
didn’t understand.  “I just want to be sure things are done right.”

“But you just said your staff was competent.  More
than.”  He shrugged one hand.  “Why do you have to watch everything
they do if they are capable of doing their jobs?”

Gwen crossed her arms and flopped back against the
couch.  If he was insinuating she was not good at her job, this might be
her first and last time sitting across from
Jarod
Har
—

I think you need to feel like you have some control over
your life and that is one way to accomplish it.”

Gwen’s jaw went slack as she stared at him.  “Is
wanting to have your life under control a bad thing?”

“Not to a certain point, but I think you’re past that
point.” 
Jarod
looked at her for a minute before
taking a deep breath.  “Gwen, when you lose something very important
because of circumstances out of your control, sometimes you try to control
everything.  It makes you feel like then it can’t happen again.” 

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “I
did the same thing when I lost Betsy.  I became compulsive.  I
cleaned my house non-stop.  I started exercising every day.  I needed
to feel like I had power over my life.  But the hard truth is, bad things
can happen again, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

Gwen felt a tear trickle down her cheek.  “So what am I
supposed to do?”

Jarod
stood up, walked over to his
desk and grabbed a frame, handing it to Gwen.

A smiling
Jarod
looked out at her
from the picture.  He held a baby girl in his arms as a beautiful brunette
beamed beside him.

“You go on.”  He sat back down.  “Some days are
easier than others, but the hard days become fewer and fewer.”

Gwen stared at the picture, more tears trickling down her
cheeks.

Jarod
scooted to the edge of his
chair and rested his hand on her knee.  “Gwen you and I have been given a
gift.  Something most people will never have.”

She scoffed.  “What’s that?”

“Appreciation.  The understanding that every moment is
precious.”

Gwen wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. 
She held out the picture with her other hand.  “Your wife and baby are
beautiful.”

Jarod
took the photo and set it on
his knees.  “Thank you.”

Gwen stared at the floor.  Finally, she looked up and
found
Jarod
was still sitting, very patiently,
waiting.

“Do you feel guilty?”  She held her breath, hoping her
question hadn’t crossed the line.

He nodded his head.  “Sometimes.”

“Then what?”  Her voice was barely a whisper as she
tried to squeeze out the words.

“Then I think about what I would have wanted if the tables
were turned.”

Gwen straightened up.

If she was the one who died, what would she have wanted for
Jason?  Would she want him to be living like she was?  Working his
ass off, going home to an empty house, too sad to do anything else.

No.  Never.

She would want him to be holding a picture of his happy wife
and beautiful baby.  She would want him to be happy.

Jarod
tucked a tissue into her
hand, and she realized tears were streaming down her face.  “Thank
you.”  She blotted her heated skin.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t
usually cry like this.”

“Then you’re long overdue.”

Gwen laughed out loud.  “I think you’re right.”

“Do you want to come back next week?”

Gwen looked at her watch.  “Holy cow
Jarod
.  It’s after eight.”  She jumped up from
the couch.  “I am so sorry.  You should have told me.”  She
grabbed her purse and fished out her wallet.  “I didn’t mean to ruin your
Friday night.”

He put his hands up as he followed her into the small lobby
of his office.  “My Friday nights consist of diapers and puke now, so you
didn’t interrupt any exciting plans.”