Out Of The Darkness (21 page)

Cass faced the woman blocking her from her room, not wanting this at all. “Nalik has been hurt so much in the past.”

“Yes. And I deeply regret that.” The goddess had met Cass outside her rooms and asked to be allowed to speak freely to Cass.

How could she deny a goddess, even if she didn
’t believe in this woman at all? Of course, how could she not believe, when Kennera stood directly in front of her?

It was all so confusing. She couldn
’t handle this, not now. Especially when the first questions the goddess had asked had involved Nalik. “I need to be alone…I’m sorry. I can’t answer your questions.”

“And you won
’t have to.” Nalik’s voice was harsh, angry, and for a moment she wandered if he was angry with her. She glanced at him.

He was glaring at the goddess, fierce and mean. She could see in that moment
why
so many of his own Kind had grown to fear him.

It was a bit overwhelming to have that intensity turned in her direction.

“Goddess, any questions you have of me, you direct toward me. I’m sure you understand that.”

“Nalik…” He shouldn
’t be rude; what would the goddess do to him? Or the Wolf god?

“I meant no offense,
Equan
Black. Just wanted to make sure you had all that you need.” The goddess radiated calm understanding; Cass could understand why that would anger Nalik so much. His resentment was so strong; strong enough for anyone to pick up.

“I have all that I need; your…
interest
…is noted.”

The goddess smiled at him. “But not wanted or needed. I can understand. I shall leave you now. My babes await.”

She was gone in an instant.

Cass looked at him, suddenly aware of how alone they were. She pushed up the door to her suite, knowing he would be following her inside.

What would she say to him? Her mind hadn’t changed in the last few hours—not by any means. But…if she was his
Rajni
, wouldn’t that mean something to both of them?

Her sister was very happy with Rydere, and Josey and Cormac were nearly inseparable. And Mickey and Theo were wonderful to watch when they were together. Even Mallory and Aodhan fit each other perfectly. And then Jade and Barlaam, Becca and Matthuin, Rand and Jierra—they were all
mates
or pairs of some sort. And all seemed extremely happy.

Why would she and Nalik have to be any different?

Maybe it was because she’d never pictured herself getting married? She’d thought about it, of course, but it had always seemed such a distant thing. She certainly wasn’t the type to have already picked out her wedding dress, or anything like that.

And Dardaptoans didn
’t actually get married, anyway, did they?

No, they bonded for their considerably
long
lives. Was that something she could do with this man?

She didn
’t even know him.

He wrapped his hands around her arms and pulled her right off her feet. Again. Why did he like to do that? Was it a control thing, or something more?

He lifted her until she was eye level with him. His eyes were so beautiful—Cass lifted a hand and touched his face. Right next to the scar that had come so dangerously close to one of those beautiful eyes.

Why did she get the feeling that the knife used to hurt him had been wielded by her grandfather? How could he even bear to look at her or her cousins?

Had he really looked past who she was related to, once he realized she was supposed to be with him?

How much of that
supposed
did she really believe in? Why was it ok to believe in it for her sister and cousins but not for herself?

What did it all mean?

Her words were barely audible to her own ears, but she knew he heard her. “I need time.”

“We have it.” It was a promise, and she knew it.

“I am scared.”

“I know. Can
’t say that I’m not, either.” He carried her into her suite and closed the door behind him. “I’m not exactly mate of the year material. I’m pretty fucked up, in almost every way that counts.”

“No, you
’re not.” Did he really hate himself that much? Why? “Are you even a Dardaptoan, anymore?”

“I don
’t think so. But that’s where my loyalty lies. My duty and responsibilities. As my female you’ll have the same. Unless you want me to step down. I can do that, if you wish.”

Why was he talking like it was already a done deal? “How do I know if we can be happy?”

“Because I’d cut off my right arm, my left—both—to guarantee that. It’s what a true
Rajni
will do for his mate. Do not forget that. If you are not happy, then I cannot be.”

That seemed like a pretty big responsibility to her. “But what about whether or not
you
are happy?”

He held out a hand to her. “Come here.”

Cass went. He wrapped his fingers around hers and pulled her over to the window. She looked down at the courtyard below.

Cormac and Josey were still down there. Aureliana and her big demon were there, too. Mickey sat snuggled on Theo, where he rested against a tree. Her baby was in her arms. They looked so beautiful together.

Aodhan and Mallory were sparring, or something, near them.

They looked all peaceful and happy. All of them, beautiful together.

When they really shouldn’t be; not when she stopped to think of
how
they had met. And they had all told her about it freely. And it had scared the crap out of her; how could it not? They’d all pretty much died to get to where they were. But they’d all pretty much died to be together. Was it worth it?

She
’d been so thankful none of the Dardaptoan men she’d met at first had decided she was their mate.

Of course they hadn
’t—Nalik had. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? It’s been a year; if you wanted me so badly, why wait?”

He hesitated. “Because in that world, I
’m no good for you. But with what is coming—and you have heard the rumors—you need me more than ever. And I realized in Evelanedea the truth.”

“What is that?” He thought she was helpless—that was it, wasn
’t it?

“That no matter what world we
’re in, I simply
can’t
stay away from you. You’re like a magnet pulling me, and goddess help me, I can’t resist—even if I wanted to. And dammit, Cassandra, I do not want to. Not anymore. I cannot breathe unless you are in my sight. You need to know that, no matter what it is you decide.”

What had it cost him to say that? He was such a strong man, wasn
’t he? Exposing himself like that made him vulnerable. To her.

“Ok.” Why hadn
’t she considered that before? What else was she supposed to say? “I…don’t know. I need time to think.”

“I can respect that. But know this—I will be near, if you need me. And as soon as you make your decision.” He pulled her in front of him, still at the window,
and she rested her back against his chest. He held her much like Theo was holding Mickey. Why did that thought stick in her head?

She
’d envied Mickey for a while; she knew that. Her cousin and Theo were almost made for each other. Everyone had been able to see that from the very beginning.

Had she and Nalik been made for each other? How could she tell? “I
’m human, not Dardaptoan. At least, I think I’m human.”

“We can ask Barlaam to take blood samples, to see. If you want.”

“I don’t think I want to be converted.” Talk about terrifying. Yet, if she
didn’t
do it, and she decided to be with him, would it really be fair to ask him to live with her for what would only be a blink in his lifetime? Could she ask him to watch her die, when he’d lost so many people he loved already? How would that be right of her?

“We
’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Like I said, we have time. I won’t do anything unless you are ready for it.”

She believed him.

It felt nice to have his arms around her—when they weren’t lost out in a weird world, trying to find their way home.

What should it matter whether some goddess neither one of them liked fated them to be together? She liked Nalik; in some deep part of herself she
’d long admitted she found him attractive. She trusted him when he said he’d protect her and keep her safe—not that she couldn’t do those things for herself; it was still nice to know someone out there had her best interests as a priority.

He seemed to understand her, even where her family had not. And she
’d told him more—showed him more—about herself than she had anyone in her family, ever.

Even Emily and Jade hadn
’t been told
all
of her secrets. But Nalik had been shown them, and he hadn’t looked at her like she was different.

She
’d seen how Josey was unintentionally treated like she was different by their family. Cass hadn’t wanted that for herself.

Her sister had sensed something was different, and Emily had grown so overprotective that sometimes Cass had had trouble breathing. It was then that her greenhouse would call her. And she
’d go there for hours.

She had no interest in the family business; and after seeing what that business had been built on, the suffering Nalik had endured that turned into her grandfather
’s way of profit, she was glad she’d never desired to work for Taniss Industries. If she was his mate, what would it have done to him to know she worked for the company that had used him for a horrible type of experiment?

That would have been beyond cruel.

Cass turned slightly, curving her upper body into his. His hand toyed with the hair she hadn’t braided like she normally did. He had strong fingers, hands. Beautiful, though she’d noticed before that several small scars ran over the back and palms of both hands. The scars ended around his wrists.

More of her grandfather
’s work, no doubt. She covered one with her hand. “I’m sorry for this. That it was my family who did this. I don’t understand why you are not angrier.”

“I was plenty angry. For years. Probably before you were born. It took a while for that anger to go away. I am not certain that it has, entirely. But it will never be directed at you. I give you this vow. My anger is reserved entirely for the ones responsible. A girl who was not yet born—nor the cousins who were just children at the time—will ever be to blame.”

“Some of your people blame us. Even Emily gets dirty looks and snide remarks when no one thinks she can hear them.”

“That is something her
Rajni
needst know. I will allow no such disrespect to you.”

“But you cannot protect me from everything.” She would not be coddled and cosseted, by anyone. Especially a man she was considering forever with. “It
’s equal ground.”

Forever.
That sounded like such a long time. But then again, it was, wasn’t it?

What was she doing? She couldn
’t do forever, not yet. Not without some serious soul-searching. Cass tried to pull away, but he must have sensed her sudden fear.

He kissed her, the gentlest kiss he
’d ever given her.

She slipped her arms around his neck and met his mouth with her own. He sank down on the window seat, still holding her. Her fingers slipped into the black hair that curled over his neck. He felt so strong pressed against her.

His hand slipped down her back until he could just run his fingers underneath the waistband of the strange pants the women wore in this demon world. It tickled. It took her a moment to realize he’d meant it to.

He wasn
’t pushing anything on her; while there was some heat behind the kiss, he wasn’t moving too fast for her. She appreciated that. But…she pulled away.

“I
’m not a virgin.”

“I
’m not either. I can admit to being a jealous. I am an ancient male, after all, but I cannot hold against you what you’ve done any more than I think you can I.”

Not what she
’d expected. “I make my own decisions about sex. Even if I—we—took this further, that doesn’t mean I’m signing on for forever. And with your people that means a really long time.”

“Forever usually does.” He lifted her under her arms, resituating her until she was straddling him. He looked so big, strong, and arrogant right there in front of her. Overwhelming. Why did she feel like she was in so far over her head? “I meant what I have said. I shall not force you in to anything and I will be here to keep you safe. You
’re welfare will always be put above mine own.”

How was any woman supposed to resist
that
? Wasn’t this the kind of man fiction was made out of? He kissed her again, then pulled away. “That is enough for today, I think.”