Overture (Rain Dance, Book 1) (Rain Dance Series) (41 page)

     
"Daphne," he said again, this time much more calmly.
"Look at me. Please."

     
I shut my eyes.
I would sooner go blind than ever have to see that look again.

     
"Look at
me, Kitten.
Now
." He spoke with his dominant voice. The one that
secretly brought me comfort. But it didn't matter anymore. It no longer had any
hold over me. Not when he thought I was disgusting.

 
    
I finally entered the threshold of the
bathroom and was about to reach for the door when he suddenly came rushing
towards me, unwrapping my arms from my body and holding them to my sides. I couldn't
move. I could only stand in horror, quickly reliving all the moments when I had
previously felt like
this
. I had completely forgotten about the biggest
and most dangerous trigger: vulnerability. All at once, my knees gave out as a
single and weak, howling cry left my throat. I felt my body tense, trying to shrink
and curl up within itself.

     
My vision was
blurred with tears now, making it practically impossible to see in the dark. I
felt Ethan let go of me and take a small step back. I didn't move. I kept my
head down and my shoulders hunched. I took in deep, quick breaths and prayed
for the moment to be over.

     
Light entered
the room, distracting me. My eyes quickly moved towards the window. The sky was
still dark, so the clouds must have given way to the moon. It was then that I
noticed Ethan raising his hand. I recoiled instinctively.

     
"
Daphne
,"
he said hoarsely.

     
Despite what
was happening, it still pained me to hear him speak like that. I wanted to tell
him that it was okay - to just give me a minute. But my body was on lockdown. I
could only stay frozen, unable to even make a sound, and wait for it to pass.

     
At some point,
my breathing had eventually settled, but I was still unable to move.

     
That was when
Ethan decided to speak again. "…Ice cream."

     
...
Ice
cream?
The tension in my neck slowly ebbed away. I was able to take a small
peek up at him.

     
"There's
ice cream in the freezer. Remember?" He spoke unevenly with eyes wide
open, as though
he
was the one who was terrified. "Would you like
me to bring you some?"

    
 
My first instinct was to say yes. I
almost did, but it would have been a waste since my appetite was nonexistent. I
shook my head and let out a heavy sigh. Gradually, I was able to straighten up
my back and relax my shoulders.

     
"I'm
sorry," he whispered.

     
I waited a
brief moment before looking up at him completely. His beautiful face was marred
by sadness.
He had remembered.
"…Thank you."

     
For some
reason, that seemed to cause him even more discomfort. I covered myself up
again with my arms, searching the dark floor for my clothes.

     
"You know
that I would never hit you, Daphne. Right?"

     
"Yes," I answered softly. I looked at him again with an
apologetic smile. "Just an old reflex."

     
He closed his
eyes, breathing deeply. I wanted to touch him, to tell him that it was okay.
Anything to get that distraught expression off his face. But I couldn't bring
myself to try. I didn't deserve to touch him.

     
Suddenly I was
crying again, only for real this time. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

     
Ethan opened
his eyes and stilled. There was no need for him to worry, though. It wasn't
that
kind of sorry. "I didn't lie to you," I continued. "He
didn't…" I tried to swallow but my throat was too tight. "But I
couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to know. I…I didn't w-want you to think I
was a whore or w-whatever..."

     
"I would
never think that.
Ever
." His voice was low.

     
"You
should.
I
would." Covering my face with my hands, I tried to get
the words out over my sobbing. "I
do
." Unable to hold myself
together anymore, I fell to my knees and let the darkness take me.

     
All the shame.

     
All the
weakness.

     
All the ugly.

     
My chest heaved
as cry after cry ripped from my lungs. My eyes stung as though they were literally
on fire and I could barely breathe, not that I wanted to. It seemed as though
it would never end.

     
Then I felt a
pair of large, warm arms wrap around me. As I gasped for breath, I inhaled the
comforting scent of the earthy ocean. I was reminded of home - wherever that
was. It felt as though an angel had settled over me, shielding me from the
darkness and bringing me into its own private bubble. I lowered my body,
curling up onto my side. Hands guided my head to rest on soft, silky fabric. It
was hard underneath but felt better than any pillow. I cried and cried, trying
my best not to focus on the pain but on the gentle fingers that caressed my
skin and ran through the length of my hair over and over again.

Eventually
it became quiet. I breathed evenly, savoring the angel's scent as I gripped
onto his legs, grateful. He was still with me. He hadn't left me yet.

     
"...Why
didn't you keep kissing me?"

     
I heard him
take a deep breath. "It was just a lot to take in. I don't want you any
less, believe me. Mostly…I was afraid I might hurt you."

     
"Hurt me
how?"

     
"It's too
soon. It's not safe to get so physically intimate when I'm barely able to sit
still. The need to take action…to
kill
…" He went quiet.

     
Well, that
wasn't what I was expecting.

     
He continued,
"I won't risk the chance that I might end up being too rough with you. If
things had progressed, I might not have been able to have stopped myself. And
that's not the kind of man you want for your first time."

     
"…Isn't
it?" I said quietly.

     
He stilled, his
hands ceasing their gentle ministrations. "That also worries me."

     
"What...?"

     
"I worry
that maybe the reason you're so compliant with me is because…" He paused.
"I worry that, being as I am, you listen to me not because you want to,
but because you were conditioned to. And if that's the case, has it been an
abuse of my power all along? And when I think about what I had
planned
to do to you in the future… "

     
There was a
small part of me that was angry - the defensive part that felt like he had just
implied that I was weak. Like I couldn't make my own decisions. Like I wasn't
allowed to enjoy him for who he was, just because I was
conditioned
to
obey. Like what I felt wasn't real. But I understood where he was coming from.

     
Slowly, I
pushed myself up off the floor. "Can you please bring me an ice
cream?"

     
He made sure I
was steady, pausing to study me for a few seconds before nodding. After he left
the room, I crawled into the bed. Leaning my back against the headboard, I
pulled the blanket up to cover my chest, too drained to bother putting my
clothes back on. As long as Ethan didn't have to see my body, I would be okay
to sleep like this. Though I did wish I had my favorite nightgown on.

     
What are you
going to do, Doll?

     
…He deserves to
know the truth. Then he can decide for himself. Whatever happens, I already
mourned for us. I have nothing left to fear.

     
Ethan soon
returned with a Drumstick. He got into bed and sat leaning against the
headboard like myself.

     
"Thank
you," I said as I took it from him, trying my best to smile. I bit into
the outer edge, relishing the taste of the chocolate shell. Before I could
finish chewing I dipped my tongue into the hole I had created and scooped up a
small dab of vanilla ice cream. The two flavors combined tasted like heaven.

     
"I need
you to know that I wasn't conditioned to obey anything. I trust you, that's why
I'm compliant. Any other man and it would be out of the question. For that
matter, if you should ever demand something of me that I don't want to do, I
won't hold back in telling you no. Do you understand?" I looked at Ethan.
Only when he nodded did I continue. "Noel didn't
train
me. He never
treated me like a slave. He never acted like…a master or whatever."

     
"Then what
did he do?"

     
I broke into
another piece, chewing slowly. "I was fourteen. It was the night before he
was supposed to take off for college. I hadn't eaten that day so I went
downstairs to sneak a midnight snack. He was sitting on the porch outside of
the kitchen. Drinking. He asked me to join him, promising he wouldn't tell our
parents. I knew he wouldn't have, anyway. He never told on me. I didn't see the
harm in hanging out for a little bit, especially since we probably wouldn't get
another chance. He was family, after all, and the only one in that house who
hadn't been a total ass to me. A few sips and things started to get hazy."
I paused, not really wanting to go into detail. "So basically…that was the
beginning."

     
"What do
you mean the beginning? And what did he do if he didn't hurt you? Sit and sing
campfire songs and politely ask you to touch his dick?" Yeah, he was
angry. Really angry, actually.
Probably remembering that day I first went
down on him.

     
"No - no.
He just…He used his hands…over my clothes." My God, this was
uncomfortable. "I was drunk and he was so much bigger than me and I knew I
couldn't scream for help. His father would've beaten the shit out of me for
accusing him of such a thing. Not to mention the extra beating I'd get for
drinking. Or for being out of bed in the first place. Anyway, it was over in no
time. He said goodnight and I went up to bed."

     
Ethan sat with
his arms crossed, a crease forming on his forehead. "I probably shouldn't
ask…but did you? Enjoy it?"

     
I suppose if I
were him, I would be curious, too. "It was really weird. A little scary,
even. I'd be lying if I said it was the worst thing that had ever happened to
me in that house up until that point. But it was…unnatural. And…well, the
feeling
down there
was nothing compared to how it can get when you do
something as simple as just kissing me."

     
That last bit
seemed to lighten his mood. Only for an instant though. "So the asshole is
a pedophile."

     
"You're
the same age, remember?"

     
He scoffed.
"I wouldn't have touched a fourteen year old at that age. You probably
looked like a fucking toddler."

     
"Hey!"

     
"You're
really defending him, aren't you?" His voice was uneasily low.

     
"I'm
defending myself,
pendejo
! I was taller than most girls at that age,
okay? I just happened to stop growing after that."

     
It was faint,
but I could see the barest hint of a smile. "So what happened
afterwards?"

     
I continued on
with the story. "Every time he would come back home to visit, which wasn't
very often - usually only during the holidays, he would come see me." I
found myself pausing again. "Um…I should probably mention that after he
left home, the relationship between myself and the other family members went
from ignoring one another with the occasional punishment to outright hostility
and…um, pow-pows." I made a punching gesture with my fist, trying to
remain nonchalant about it, but I felt Ethan tense up beside me.

     
"I don't
know what changed. Maybe they thought I was old enough that no one would step
in if they got suspicious. Of course, being a total fraud with clients willing
to defend him, it wouldn't have mattered since my stepfather had everyone
fooled. He was the swellest man who took great care of all his children,"
I said mockingly. "Maybe they wanted to make sure I would be thoroughly
broken before they sent me out into the world. Maybe it's because Noel was no
longer there to tell them to stop before they would have to make a trip to the
hospital. Anyway, up until that point I'd only needed to lock myself in my room
and keep quiet. But soon it wasn't enough to keep me safe. When I started high
school, I was no longer allowed to see my friends after school. I
should
have felt sad about that, but by that time I was already…numb. I was beyond the
point of feeling things. I couldn't afford it - feelings would lead to bad
thoughts. The kind of thoughts that make you want to end everything. And I
needed
to stay alive. So I took care of it in the only way I knew how. I stopped
registering pain and emotions. I didn't speak. Ever. A lot of the time, I
didn't even think. Not really."

     
Ice cream
dripped down onto my hand. I lapped it up with my tongue and then licked around
the edges of the cone so no more could spill. "When Noel would come into
my room, I couldn't be bothered to say no. It took too much effort. It was
easier to just zone out."

     
I turned to
look at Ethan. For the first time, I actually wanted to know what he was
thinking. But he just stared straight ahead with a blank expression. So I went
on, "It started out small. The first night, he simply crawled into my bed
and held me from behind for a little while. It wasn't sexual at all, and I
might have enjoyed it, but I couldn't be bothered with that, either. I felt
nothing." I bit into the cone. It was surprisingly loud - or maybe it just
seemed that way because the room was so quiet. Even the ocean waves seemed to
have grown silent.

     
"He was
insanely popular," I spoke while chewing. "Every time he came home,
he brought a different girl back with him. Sometimes more than one. Guys, too,
of course. We had a big pool house for them to stay in, so our parents were
okay with it. I soon realized that he would come to me only after he'd just
finished with them. The girls, I mean. I could recognize the smell. Their
perfume lingered on his skin, along with all the…the pheromones. Now I wonder
if it was to help him - to get the…y'know…out of the way, so it would be easier
for him to not get carried away." I took the next minute to finish the
rest of my ice cream.

     
"The
second night was much like the first. Only this time, he put his hand on me
like he had that night we'd been drinking. Every time after, things would
slowly progress…one single step at a time."

     
I looked over
at Ethan again, whose face was now grim. Before I could stop myself, I began
tearing up a little bit. "I didn't think about the consequences. I didn't
think about how it would make me feel afterwards, when I got out. I didn't know
if there would even
be
an afterwards."

     
"…How does
it make you feel?" he asked quietly.

     
I wiped my nose
with my wrist. "…Ashamed, mostly. Dirty. Ugly. Like a whore. I could have
said no. I
should
have said no, but I didn't. So I can only blame
myself, really."

     
Ethan exhaled
and rubbed his hand over his chin, thinking hard about something.
"Daphne…It wasn't your fault. You were obviously a victim."

     
I shook my
head. "I let him." More tears of guilt came pouring out as I
struggled to get the words out. "And I let him tell me what to do for him
because I couldn't be fucking bothered to think for myself. That would make it
mutual, wouldn't it?"

     
"You said
no eventually though, didn't you?"

     
I nodded,
sniffing as I pulled the blanket further up around me. "That night, when
he came into my room, he was…well, he was a lot of things. Angry, mostly. There
was a lot of pressure from our parents. They kept questioning him. I guess he
got fed up. It was partly his way of rebelling. That's what he says now, at
least. I didn't understand it at the time, but what he told me that night was
that he was afraid. For me…and for what might come. Better him than the buyer
who planned to do God knows what." I could feel it again - the intense
violence radiating from Ethan. But whether it was aimed towards Noel, towards
the situation, or even towards myself, I didn't know.

     
"All I
knew was that I didn't want him inside me…not there. So I ran. And for the
first time in years, I spoke. Actually, I screamed. Woke up the whole damn
house," I laughed. "And guess what happened when I had to explain
myself?"

     
I smiled, but
still felt the tears stinging at my eyes. The memory of that night still hit me
hard. "
Daphne, you are disgusting. You are a liar. And clearly you are
batshit crazy and belong in a psych ward. You freak.
" Biting my lip, I
wiped all the wetness off my face and took a deep breath. I wanted to be done
with the crying. "And then came the good old Truman Graves, defending the
name of his son. Of course, I understand that much better now, too. The reason
that beating was so intense was probably because I had disobeyed and ran - the
worst offense for a potential sex slave," I sighed.