Oy Vey My Daughter's Gay (11 page)

“By the time a man is wise enough to
watch his step,  he’s too old to go anywhere.” - Billy Crystal

We had planned to wait until we’d had a chance to accept
Lila coming out ourselves before we told Lee, so we asked her not to tell him.
However, three years later, she was still awaiting our permission. It wasn’t
just our own acceptance that held us back. “Can you at least go into the other
room to kill each other? We’re trying to watch TV here,” was a regular request
from me. Lila and Lee’s regular battles growing up had appeared to us to be no
more than normal sibling rivalry, as did the fact that they threatened to kill
each other on a regular basis, and we didn’t want to add lesbian fuel to the
fire.

We didn’t realise how deeply Lee’s behaviour had affected
Lila and were disappointed to discover recently that she has never completely
forgiven him. On a recent visit she randomly launched into a diatribe about
Lee’s behaviour during lunch with us and her friend.

“Yeah, my brother and I were pretty mean to each other
too,” her friend said.

“But this was different. He was pure evil,” Lila said.

“What did he do?” Her friend asked with some trepidation.

“Well, for example, I had a candelabra in my room and he
would come in and steal one of the candles and hide it.”

“That doesn’t sound so terrible.”

“Well… there was more than that, much more. It was
constant, unabating, under-the-radar psychological torture. He called me a
freak and wouldn’t let me use his computer unless I was wearing gloves, because
he said my hands were sweaty… Mind you, they were sort of sweaty.”

“I remember I was really mean to my brothers growing up. I
was the oldest.”

“That’s what’s so annoying. Lila admitted. “
I
was
the oldest. I should have been able to control him. I should have put him in
his place when he was young, but I just couldn’t.”

Lila blames us for not punishing Lee sufficiently for his
machinations, but she also blames herself for not reporting most of them, in
addition to her own inability to control him.  I have memories of positioning
myself in front of Lee’s bedroom door, on several occasions, against John’s
dire threats of punishment for his latest jibe against Lila. We all knew
(especially Lee) that the threats were empty ones: John was all bluff and
bluster, but thanks to me ‘holding him back’ he was able to save face.

I don’t believe Lee was the villain Lila makes him out to
be. Their personalities were just diametrically opposed. However, I’m a great
advocate of ‘how you feel is how you feel’, and I believe that typically,
arguments escalate because of one person’s denial of the other person’s
feelings. I can’t deny Lila her feelings about Lee. 

Growing up, Lee had certainly devoted a lot of his time and
energy to either making Lila look bad or making himself look good with
activities that appeared altruistic on the surface, but, in fact, had a darker
motive. For example, in company, he took great delight in slathering butter
onto scones before proffering them to Lila. His actions impressed family
members, causing remarks such as, “What a thoughtful and well-mannered boy you
are, Lee.” Little did they know that, having decided to go on a diet, himself,
he was doing everything he could to make Lila gain weight.

He wouldn’t touch his McDonald’s Happy Meal until she had
finished hers. “Look, I’ve still got mine to enjoy! Shame yours is finished!
You’ll just have to watch me enjoying mine − mmmmmm.” While most people
would consider this to be normal sibling banter, Lila was very sensitive and
easily annoyed; facts of which Lee was most happily aware.

Lee was on constant guard for clues about my preferences,
and, on present-giving occasions, he would pounce with the perfect offering.
While I ooh-ed and aah-ed over his gift, Lila would present me with something
on which she’d spent twice as much but which wasn’t half as impressive, as Lee
was always careful to point out.

Lila believes that Lee even chose his hobbies for the
specific purpose of annoying her. Granted, it’s hard to imagine any other
reason for learning to play a didgeridoo and tapping out endless Morse Code on
an amateur radio in his bedroom, which was right next to Lila’s. If his goal
was to get her to move out, eventually he succeeded. Interestingly enough,
after he was happily ensconced in Lila’s newly vacated bedroom, with her Rocky
Horror mural finally vanquished, I never heard the dulcet tones of the
didgeridoo again.

Possibly Lee’s most dastardly scam was posing as Lila’s
online friend while in adjoining booths at an Internet café. Lila was thrilled
to have met such a ‘kindred spirit’. She had all the same interests, read all
the same books and even loved Rocky Horror. It was almost too good to be true!
When Lila finally discovered the deception, she was bereft. I was truly upset
for her and furious at Lee. He’d gone too far this time. John, on the other
hand, in an inappropriate show of male bonding, had trouble stifling his
laughter.

As Lee approached puberty, he took some time out from
tormenting Lila to torment John. They locked horns on many occasions, as the
young stag battled the old stag for supremacy. It started off as fun, tussling
on the floor; but it was obvious to me, if not to them, that there was a more
serious agenda. John usually won by sheer brute force, using a tackle called,
‘bumming Lee into the wall’. (Sadly this completely innocent term probably
couldn’t be used these days without a visit from child welfare!) This was a
specialist manoeuvre involving John cornering Lee then pinning him against the
wall with his rather generous bottom. A furious Lee flailed about helplessly
like a fly caught in a spider’s web and, unlike Lila and me, didn’t see the
funny side of it at all.

When Lila came out as being gay, I worried that Lee would
use it as yet another opportunity to mock her. Maybe that was why I asked her
not to tell him − or maybe it was because, if he knew, it would have made
it even more real. Perhaps the real reason was that I didn’t want Lee to see my
weakness. I didn’t want to appear to him as any less than the perfect mother he
worshipped. Equally, that may be why he never enquired. Maybe he wasn’t ready
to see me as being so vulnerable and flawed. I often wonder what we told Lee
about the atmosphere and the bin full of soggy tissues after Lila came out. He
must have known something was going on. Possibly he was too scared to enquire.

Three years after Lila came out to us, Lee had just started
university when he cornered me. “I found out something interesting about Lila
last night,” he said.

I knew immediately what was coming and my heart raced. “Oh,
really?” I said, feigning nonchalance whilst attempting to keep my voice at its
normal pitch. “What was that?”

“That she’s gay.”

“Who told you?” I asked.

“One of her friends at the University dance last night. Why
didn’t you tell me?”

“Look, we found it difficult to deal with at the time, but
we thought she’d told you later.”

“Well, she didn’t. I can’t believe you kept this a secret
from me. I thought we didn’t have any secrets in this family.”

“I’m so sorry if we made the wrong decision, Lee. We didn’t
mean to hurt you,” I said, genuinely upset and chastened. I was totally
unprepared for what came next.

“Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I’ve known for six years
anyway.”

“What! How?”
I spluttered.

“I read her diary when I was twelve,” he said with a smug
grin.

“Well, that’s even worse. You’ve known for six years and
you didn’t tell
me!”
I countered.

Lila questioned the premise that Lee had in fact read her
diary. And even if he had, she reckoned it was unlikely that he’d read anything
pertinent to her being gay. She’d habitually destroyed most of her written
evidence, against just such an eventuality. After all, she knew her
brother. If indeed he had read it and gleaned from it that she was gay, he
wouldn’t have been able to resist the temptation of revealing it. He would
surely have ‘outed’ her to us, or, at the very least, used the information to
level thinly-veiled insults and threats at her.

I was determined to uncover the truth, so I decided to go
straight to the source. I was unsure how Lee would react after all these years,
but I needn’t have worried. He seemed more amused than anything else and
willingly revealed the real story. He, obviously, felt that the statute of
limitations on this particular crime was long since passed.

He assured me that he did, in fact, find and read Lila’s
diary when he was eleven or twelve years old and gleaned from it that Lila was
gay. He then told his friends; immediately lost interest and that was it…
until he met Lila’s friend on a drunken university night out, six years later.
But, crucially, Lila’s friend didn’t ‘out’ Lila to Lee;
it was the other way
around! 
For years Lee was too scared to admit that he’d ‘outed’
his own sister, or that he’d read her diary in the first place. The truth was
finally out: the brother did it! In the Student Union! 

One day, not long after Lila came out, John said to me in a
resigned voice, “Maybe Lee’s gay too.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said.

“Why not? It’s possible.”

When I, laughingly, related this to Lee years later, he
responded with, “Maybe I’ll tell Dad I’m gay too, just for a laugh!”

I quickly disavowed him of the notion that his dad would find
that at all amusing then said, “You know how most parents have a nightmare
about opening their son’s bedroom door and finding him in bed with a girl?
Well, if that ever happens… leave the door open!”

Of course we didn’t know that Lee had been sharing Lila’s
burden of information for years. He maintains he wasn’t bothered by it, but I’m
sure it must have had some effect, both on his own psyche and his relationship
with Lila. Lee assured me he hadn’t experienced any lasting trauma. John
concurred. “Boys are not into trauma. Leave that to women − and maybe gay
men.”

Ironically, Lila admitted that, for the first and only time
in her life, she would probably have been delighted if Lee had used the
information against her and ‘outed’ her. It would have saved her years of
anxiety and stress. As for Lee reading her diary in the first place?  Being a
war-weary veteran of her brother’s antics, it didn’t surprise her at all.

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They
care what else is on TV.” - Jerry Seinfeld

I recently asked Lila, “Do you think there are any
positive things about being a lesbian?” One advantage that immediately pops
into my own mind is the TV remote.
‘No, no. It’s your turn to use the remote
tonight, dear. I used it last night, if you remember.’
I barely even
glimpse the remote. John flashes through channels at a breakneck speed acquired
from many years of dedication to the sport. When I do get control of it, I
inevitably press the wrong button and ruin my credibility. It’s just too much
pressure.  John shakes his head sagely, condescendingly holds out his hand and
I, meekly, hand it over.

Conversely, I dread to imagine a remote in the hands of a
male couple. I don’t even want to contemplate that scenario. Ironically, Lila
and her wife Miranda (yes, she’s happily married now) don’t even own a TV, so
it’s a moot point.

Lila is sure that knowing she was different and carrying
the secret for years has made her a stronger, more self-assured and
self-determined person. Being a member of any minority group can be
challenging, but, usually, people have the support of family, community and
friends. For a gay child growing up, the outside world may not recognise that
they are part of any minority, so does not even realise that support is needed.
Lila also grew up believing that her future would be very different from that
of her female friends. She didn’t think she would ever get married, nor have
children. This caused her to focus more intentionally on her career and, when
her friends started dating, she filled the gap in her life by studying harder.

Lila says that the most delightful advantage of a lesbian
relationship is that she is married to her best friend. Some women say their
husbands are their best friends, but I agree that there is a special kind of
closeness between females that can’t be replicated in a heterosexual
relationship.

Another advantage is that she and Miranda share clothes.
Now
that’s
an activity I can’t imagine doing with my husband. Noticing
five drawers in their ‘armoire’, so named because ‘chest of drawers’ was not
deemed sufficiently pretentious (or expensive sounding) for the shop from which
it was purchased, I enquired who got the extra drawer. Lila told me the extra
drawer was used for tights, which they shared. How sweet.

On a more serious note, for Lila, one of the advantages of
being in a same-sex relationship is that there are no traditional
gender-defined roles. She and Miranda have more freedom and flexibility to
create the life they want, unconstrained by traditional heterosexual norms.
There are no assumptions about which household chores they do: for example, who
takes out the rubbish. In Lila and Miranda’s case, it’s the cleaners. If
there’s a spider in the house, they get to negotiate who will deal with it.
Surprisingly, it’s usually Lila. There are no assumptions that they will have
children unless they want them and put a lot of effort into getting them.  And,
of course, there’s, certainly, no risk of unplanned pregnancy.

While she may not have chosen it, by being gay, Lila has
become part of a human rights campaign. Her involvement manifests itself in
many ways.  This might range from the simple act of trying to raise the level
of awareness, one person at a time (for example, by challenging assumptions
people make about her ‘husband’), to a much wider political platform and
financial contributions in support of global gay rights.

As
for me, Lila coming out has
changed me profoundly. Although, on the surface, I accepted the fact of her
being gay quite quickly, it turned out to be only the signpost for my journey.
At that time, acceptance for me meant telling my friends and family, nothing
more. Even when John and I were finally able to talk about it, both to each
other and to Lila, I had only completed the first step on my journey. Writing
this book has finally instigated many long overdue conversations with Lila. 
Finally, we have been able to engage in the difficult, candid, open and loving
discussions we should have had seventeen years ago.

I have made myself vulnerable and been able to confront my
failings as a mother. I have reached a purer and deeper level of empathy and
understanding of what it has meant, and what it means now, for Lila to be gay.
The love and pride I feel for her today has deepened profoundly as a result. I
have also learned to let go of my own guilt − quite an achievement for a
Jewish mother.

One of the most moving moments in the writing process was
when Lila asked me to read out, over the phone, the chapter about our first
meeting with Miranda. As my voice wobbled, John looked over at me and said,
“You’re crying.”

I looked over at the tears standing in his eyes and said,
“You’re crying, too.”

“What’s going on?” Lila asked.

When I told her, she said, “Don’t worry. I’m crying as
well.”

We have laughed as well as cried and, throughout it all, Lila’s
strength and love continues to awe me. She has broadened our horizons and made
us question our belief system. It’s taught us to make fewer assumptions about
other people and their families – assumptions we didn’t previously even realise
we were making. We’ve learned to be more accepting and supportive. A friend
recently commented to me, innocently, “It’s almost fashionable to be gay
nowadays.” I’m still working on a calm response to such throwaway remarks. It
has made me aware of how little most people understand the cataclysmic effect
coming out can have on the person themselves and their family, even if that
family is accepting and supportive. Lila has told me of the continuing dilemmas
and challenges she faces, sometimes on a daily basis. And it doesn’t ever end.
There’s never a time when she’ll be able to say to me or her dad, “Well, that’s
it. I finally got over my last gay hurdle today. Phew!”

I wrote this book to relate my own experiences of having a
gay child, in the hope that it may be of some help or comfort to other parents
in a similar position. However, remarks like the above have made me determined
to become actively involved in supporting gay people and families on a wider
level.

Musing upon one of the episodes in which we appear in a positive
light, I said to John, “We’re good people.”

“Maybe it’s this that’s made us good people,” he said,
fighting back tears yet again.