Packed and Ready to Go (31 page)

I squared my shoulders, mustering strength I didn’t possess.

From the oversized windows in the lobby, I saw her hurry down the curved sidewalk. She walked up to Walter’s new Lexus and got in the driver’s seat.

My chest constricted as I gasped for air. My legs went numb. But I made it to my office and fell into the chair. I grabbed my pills and swallowed without counting.

My husband had a family on the other side of town. I had a zillion different thoughts at once. The onslaught of emotion paralyzed me.

It was almost as if I had been waiting on just this thing to happen. My world started to crumble months ago, but all I did was pack my bags and look in on them every day. What kind of lame plan was that?

How would Crystal accept the news that she had a sibling who would be born in a few months? And in that moment I was thankful she was moving to New York. At least this way she would be away from some of the ugliness as it unraveled over the next several months and it would be harder for her to bond with her father’s new family.

I was ashamed of myself for relishing that thought. It was as if my mind had been taken over by some unknown force. My life was disjointed. I was a stranger to myself.

I picked up the phone and put it back on the base. I picked it up again and punched in Walter’s number, which was more instinct than anything else. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. I hung up the phone and looked over my desk. It was nice and neat. Nothing was out of place. A message from the receptionist lay in the center of the desk telling me I had a visitor in the lobby. I folded the note and stuffed it into my purse and decided to take a few more pills. The other pills weren’t working. Maybe the longer you took them the less effective they became.

My phone rang. It was Marco. Instead of picking up, I waited for him to hang up. I sat in my office for an hour, watching the minutes tick off. To numb to move. To numb to care. To numb to try.

After several tries I managed to dial Ursula.

“
Meet me at my house,” I said when she answered the phone.

“
Why? What’s going on?” Ursula asked.

“
Just meet me, please. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“
Tracy, you know I just started this new job—is everything okay? You sound funny. What’s wrong?”

“
Call Carla too, she’ll need to be there.”

“
Tracy. Tracy slow down and tell me what happened.” When I didn’t respond, she said, “Where are you now?”

“
Mmm, I’m leaving the office. Call Carla. Call Carla.” My voice was calm, balancing the rage roaring in my head.

“
Tracy, what happened?”

“
Ursula, I’m not feeling too good. Just come, okay? Come, okay.” I hung up the phone, collected my purse, and pulled my keys out of the side pocket. My head throbbed like the base drum at a rock concert. The constant boom, boom, boom pounded in time with my heart.

I stumbled out of the building. Nothing felt real. A vortex of whirling color blurred my vision, becoming more vibrant the farther I walked. Finally the pills were working. The loneliness and deceit blurred. The notion that I had been so supremely duped ricocheted around in my head, my body revolted at the news.

I walked out of the same door as Sasha Samuels, down the winding sidewalk just as she had. I thought I could still smell her cologne lingering in the air. With the sun in my eyes, all the cars looked the same.

The same color.

The same make.

The same model. I stepped off the curb toward the car that should have been mine. I wasn’t fast enough to jump back on the sidewalk. I tried, but the curb was too high.

So high.

A car struck me so hard I landed on the hood. I rolled off into a big ball and landed hard on the asphalt.

The pain hit me with so much intensity I couldn’t move. The driver yelled to someone and came to stand over me. His hands flapped in several different directions. I refused to get up, maybe because I couldn’t or because it felt good to just lie down. I wanted to stay there.

Forever.

Marco’s face hovered over mine.
“Tracy,
Cosa c’e che non va?
Are you hurt?”

“
All over.”

“
An ambulance is coming. Don’t move.”

“
Can’t you just help me to my car? I need to get home. I have to check his office drawer.”

“
Ma’am, I think you need to get to a hospital. Please just be still.” The driver’s voice was shaky.

“
Marco, help me up please. Please.”

Instead of giving me a hand, he got down on his knees and spoke into my ear. “Tracy, you are going to the hospital so they can take a look at you. I’ll go with you. Take my hand and hold on to it. I’ll be here.”

I grabbed his hand and held on to it as I tried to straighten my legs. “Her name was Sasha. Why do I know that name?”

“
Shhh, Tracy it’s going to be all right.”

The siren got closer.

“
I’m going to close my eyes, Marco, for a moment, but I’m not going to die, okay?”

Chapter Twenty-
Four - Tracy

“
Ms. Baptiste, I’m Dr. Ali.” She sat in the chair beside the bed and crossed her legs. “How are you feeling?”

“
My throat is sore.” It came out more like a croak than actual words.

“
Yes, we had to pump your stomach. Are you aware that you had a very high dosage of anti-anxiety medication in your system? Do you know how many you took?”

My head pounded like a freight train was running through it. I shook my head. I had bigger problems that needed solving.

“
Did you take more than what was prescribed?”

I used my elbows to lift up in the bed. I spoke slowly. “Do you think I did it on purpose?” When she didn’t reply, I asked her again.

“
I have to ask these questions. It’s routine.”

“
Well, I can assure you I didn’t take them on purpose. I mean… I know I took them…but the pain… It was an accident. My father died, I found out my husband is a big fat liar. It was an accident.”

“
Do you feel like you need more pills?”

“
I’m sore, all over, but I’m fine. Fine.”

The doctor gave me a firm look before scribbling on her pad and walking out. Ursula rushed into the room before the door closed. She threw her arms around me and held me while she rocked back and forth.

“
Marco called me.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “He’s outside the door. He told me a little bit. What happened? Did you…” Ursula seldom cried. “Did you try to commit suicide, Tracy?”

“
Oh, Ursula, no. You know me better than that. You sound like that psychologist—doctor—person who just walked out of here. Why would you think I tried to kill myself?”

“
The pills and stepping in front of that car.” Her high-pitched voice was full of fear. “And when you called me you weren’t very coherent.” She sat in the chair. “Tracy you gotta do something. Honey you can’t keep this up.”

Carla banged the door against the wall when she stormed into the room. “What happened to you? You don’t look so good.”

“
Thanks, Carla.”

“
You know what I mean.” She threw her purse on the foot of the bed. “What did the jackass do this time?”

“
Huh. You got that right,” Ursula quipped.

Both of them stared at me.

“
He’s been having an affair for years. Years.” I swallowed against the roughness in my throat and told them the whole story. My heartbeat increased with each detail. Their eyes grew bigger. We sat in silence for a few moments while they absorbed the gritty truth.

I had to stop this. Stop dragging my friends through the bowels of my relationship. It was bad enough that it was tearing me apart.

“
I knew it. I knew it.” Carla slapped the bed. “That no good S.O.B. We should’ve kicked his ass after that first time.” She stood up and faced the window. Ursula continued to look at me with sadness in her eyes.

“
Soooo, what’s next?” Ursula let out a deep breath.

“
Well, now I go to my house, pack up his stuff so he can move out, then I move on. It’s really as simple as that.”

“
It’s never that simple,” Ursula said.

Carla turned around. Her eyes were damp with tears. “Oh, yes it is. It’s as simple as that. It’s time she took a walk, without looking back. What kind of man does a thing like this? How can he…” Carla pointed her finger at me. “It’s time you got angry enough to pull yourself together.”

Ursula reached across the bed and touched my leg. “The more important fact we need to talk about is how…why the pills, Tracy? And why did you step in front of that car?”

“
Look, you two have known me a long time, you know I wouldn’t try to kill myself.” I cried freely. “I was just trying to stop the pain. I didn’t do this on purpose. It’s been…look at all the stuff I’ve been going through. I didn’t see that car. Really, I didn’t. I just wanted to feel better. That’s all.”

“
Honey walking in front of cars never made anyone feel better. You won’t feel better until you start fixing your life,” Carla said.

“
You know what I mean…I was going home to prepare to confront him. My head was just…just so full of all the stuff that that woman said, and the incidents I’ve ignored or pretended not to see, that I wasn’t paying attention,” My confession eased some of the pain sitting on my heart.

“
She’s right, Tracy, you’ve got to change something. You can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing. Honey…honey, I’m not trying to be mean, but—”

I put my hand up to stop her from the painful statement she thought she needed to make. “I know. I know I’ve got to do something different and I will. I promise.”

“
You think he’s going to just walk away? It can get ugly and it probably will. I don’t think you’re strong enough to handle all this right now. Let me call your mother or Crystal.”

“
No,” I snapped. “No, Ursula. My mother definitely can’t handle this right now and Crystal will be home in a few days.” I paused. “I won’t lean on anyone but myself. I can handle this, and I will.”

“
Suppose Walter decides he’s not moving out?” Carla asked.

“
I’ll deal with that when the time comes.”

“
By taking more pills?” Carla placed her hands on her hips.

“
My bags are packed. I’ll go. Maybe I need to change the scenery, anyway.” I twirled my thumbs and avoided her eyes.

“
Don’t act tough for me, Tracy. You don’t need to be tough, I’m here for you.” Ursula rubbed my leg. Her touch reminded me of our college years when we cried together over our disappointments.

“
Ursula, I’ll be fine.”

Carla folded her hands and nodded.

Walter hurried into the room with his hand shoved so deep in his pockets I thought his pants might come down. His annoyed look said I’d I interrupted his busy day and needed to be swatted. He rushed to the bed and planted a dry kiss on my forehead. His affection was as artificial as the smile pasted on Carla’s face.

Carla and Ursula hugged and kissed me then scurried out of the room. Ursula shot me a thumbs-up before she disappeared through the door.

“
What the hell happened?” Walter asked.

I stared at my husband, the stranger. Impeccably dressed and as handsome as ever but little else about him was recognizable. The distance between us was too wide to be filled with flowers, sex or romantic weekends in the Caribbean.

“
They are releasing me in a few minutes. You might as well sit and wait until I sign the release forms.”

“
What the fuck did you do, Tracy? I knew you were popping too many pills, like they were candy or something.” He walked around the bed.

“
You might as well sit,” I repeated, while searching his face for a hint of his duplicity.