Packed and Ready to Go (32 page)

He circled the bed again, slower this time, without taking his hands out of his pockets. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

“
Eventually.”

“
What the hell does eventually mean, Tracy?”

“
It means when I feel up to it I’ll tell you all about it. And right now, I’m not up to it. But we’ll talk. We’ll talk. By the way, did you ever find out any more about that check for five thousand dollars?”

“
Are you shitting me? We’re in the hospital because you got hit by a car, they had to pump your stomach, and you’re asking me about some damn check? Maybe that psychologist needs to come back in here and talk to you a little more,” he huffed.

“
Maybe I do.” I shrugged. “Because I sure need to have my head examined.”

“
What the hell does that mean?” He glared at me.

I clasped my hands tight, holding in the hostility bubbling in my gut.

Chapter Twenty-Five – Walter

Tracy was in a daze. She couldn’t answer any of my questions. The whole idea of being hit by a car and overdosing on drugs didn’t seem to faze her.

I held her elbow as I guided her through the door of the house. She groaned as I eased her onto the couch. Her mouth twisted with pain.

“
I’m going upstairs to change. I’ll be right back.”

She adjusted her position, but didn’t respond.

After spending a week running nuisance errands while she mourned her father, I had no intentions of playing nursemaid to her for another week. Those loudmouth friends should be putting her to bed, holding her hand, and talking nice to her.

“
Did you hear me?” I asked again.

“
I did.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I’ll be here.”

Upstairs, I closed the bathroom door and dialed Sasha’s number. No use having her yakking in my ear about stopping by after work. My call transferred to voice mail. I was saved the hassle she was going to dish out.

I stepped into my neat closet and examined the wire shelf. Tracy knew exactly how I liked my shirts folded. I pulled my lucky blue golf shirt from the pile and pulled it on. Eighteen holes of golf called my name.

Tracy was probably asleep. I planned to leave her a note instead of looking at those sad brown eyes and tell her I was going golfing. I was so happy about playing golf, I whistled as I bounded down the stairs.

Tracy was seated in the center of the family room sofa, clutching a bunch of papers while a steady stream of fat tears rolled down her cheeks.
Good lord, if she’s still upset about her father or her mishap today, then I’ll have to skip my golf game and sit with her.

“
Shit,” I muttered as my dream game evaporated. “What’s the matter, Tracy?” I tried to hide my exasperation as I sat down beside her. “Are you in pain?”

She flung the papers in my face, just missing my eye.

“
What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelled. I gathered the papers from the floor. “These are my cell phone statements. Why…” My heart hammered in my ears. “What the hell are you doing going through my office drawers? Do I need to call the doctor because you must be losing your damn mind?”

“
Why don’t
you
answer some questions for a change? Why don’t you tell me who Sasha Samuels is, Walter? Tell me why you wrote her a check for five thousand dollars? Tell me the story again about taking your pregnant secretary to the doctor. Tell me about the house on 108 Academy Drive. Tell me why she’s driving your car and carrying your baby.”

“
I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” I jumped off the couch. Beads of sweat pricked my forehead and upper lip. My chest contracted. I moved away from her. I needed another panic attack, but I couldn’t will an episode to strike me down, to get me out of the mess.

“
It’s nothing, Tracy. It’s not what you think.”

“
Don’t tell me what I should be thinking. Your Sasha Samuels visited my office today. She had a very interesting story to tell. I can see from these bills you call her a lot. A lot. Shit, Walter, you call her more than you call me. Look at the bills, it’s all right there.” She stabbed a finger at one of the bills in her lap. “So if it’s nothing, then tell me what it is.” Her eyes were red and tears continued to roll down her face, but she seemed calm. “Tell me, dammit,” she hissed.

During our marriage I had told so many lies, I couldn’t keep up with them. What made this beautiful, intelligent woman love me the way she did? She could have—and maybe she should have—walked out years ago. The hurt engraved on her face ripped me apart. I needed to get it out in the open. I owed her the truth. She would understand. She’d always been there for me. I had to trust her to help me work through this situation.

“
Tracy,” I started. “Tracy, I never meant for this thing to get so carried away. It started out as just…you know, sex.” I hunched my shoulders waiting for her to nod in agreement. She didn’t. “It wasn’t supposed to get this far. I’m going to end it with her.”

“
She came to my office today.”

“
Who?”

“
Who are we talking about? Sooner or later you’ll be honest with yourself and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be honest with me.”

“
What?” I threw my hands up. There was a tightness in my chest. My mind search for a way out. “Who, Tracy?”

“
Sasha.” Her shrill voice was unrecognizable.

“
She wouldn’t.”

“
She did.”

“
Why?” I shook my head and sat next to her.

“
My God, Walter she’s barely older than Crystal. What are you trying to prove? Your girlfriend, your lover—or should I say your fiancée—says you want to leave me, but don’t know how to tell me. That I won’t let you go. It was quite obvious she’s pregnant with your child. You are the one who needs to see a doctor.” Her sarcastic truth was hurtful to hear. The pain in her voice was audible.

I never thought I’d admit the truth, even when I dreamed of this moment I always had a handy explanation to tell Tracy, but not the truth.

“
I’m so sorry. You know I’m too old to raise another family…I’ll take care of the baby. I promise you it won’t have an impact on our lives. I really didn’t mean for this to happen, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Honestly. You have to believe me. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I wasn’t sure which part of this statement was true and which part was a lie. I’d enjoyed every minute I spent with Sasha. I hadn’t intentionally set out to hurt Tracy. “I can fix this, Tracy. Just bear with me and I’ll fix everything.”

“
How can you sit there and tell me this was something casual and that you’ll fix it? Maybe what the two of you had was more real than what we’ve had. So real that she felt she had to come to me and claim you.” She bowed her head and studied her hands.

“
How long?”

“
How long what?”

“
Please don’t disrespect me anymore. You know exactly what I mean. How long have the two of you been together? How many years, Walter?”

“
Don’t.”

“
How long,” she shouted. “How many years, you bastard?”

“
Tracy…I-I don’t…it’s…three years.” I dropped my head when her eyes grew larger, and she started crying uncontrollably. She tried to say something, but she couldn’t catch her breath long enough to get the words out. I wanted to pull her into my arms, but I didn’t dare touch her.

“
What about me, where do I fit in here?” she finally said.

“
I still love you. I always have and I always will. We’ll get through this, just like we’ve gotten through other difficult times.”

“
Do you love her?”

I didn’t expect this question. She wanted me to say no, but I couldn’t. I nodded.

“
We’ll get through this.”

“
No…not this time, Walter. We won’t get through this.” She shook her head and struggled to stand up. “Get out,” she yelled. “You have to leave now. I don’t want to look at you another minute.” She pointed to the door like I didn’t know where it was. “Get out.”

I didn’t move.

“
Did you hear me? I said get out, Walter. Now. Get out now.”

“
Tracy, I don’t think you need to be alone right now.”

“
I’ve been alone for years. I can’t stand the sight of you. Get the hell out of here.” She pointed to the door again.

“
Where am I supposed to go?” I held out my hands.

“
The hell if I care. You must think I’m an idiot.” Her words hung between us.

“
Were you ever going to tell me?”

“
Tell you what?”

She cocked her head to one side but didn’t say anything.

“
No, I don’t think I ever would. You know how I am. Eventually I would have come back home. I think this is just a phase. I love you, Tracy.”

“
Go to 108 Academy Drive.” She started up the stairs. “And don’t you ever set foot in this house again. I’ll have every single thing in this house that belongs to you sent there. If I come across anything I don’t want, I’ll send that to you, too. Now get hell out of here.”

“
I lost my job.”

“
And I’m supposed to care…because?”

“
Come on Tracy, this isn’t like you. You’ve been through a lot and you’re probably not thinking clearly right now.”

“
Is that what you think? I’m not thinking clearly. And the day of Crystal’s wedding, when you talked about taking your dear wife away because I was the love of your life…Was I thinking clearly then or was I just foolish?”

“
Tracy.”

“
No, I think I get it now.” She descended a couple of stairs. “Let me make this clear to you. I finally get it. Walter, I get it. This marriage is over. It’s done. I’m done. My bags have been packed and sitting in my closet for months. But I kept thinking I needed to give our marriage one more try, that maybe there was one little thing I could do to feel something for you again.” I shook my head. “Go to your fiancée and be happy, you bastard.”

“
Aah come on, let’s talk about it.” I threw my hands in the air. I wanted to hold her in my arms and make this better. The cold stare in her eyes sliced me in two, making me back up.

“
Good bye, Walter.” She walked up the stairs without looking back.

Chapter Twenty-Six – Tracy

Such an artful liar. His dark brown eyes never shifted while he professed his commitment to me. For twenty years of marriage I’d managed to overlook his arrogance, his selfishness, and a whole host of character deficiencies, until he closed the door leading to the garage. All his imperfections sailed back to me like a wave at high tide. The thick veil that shielded me from seeing the ugly side of my marriage lifted, revealing the real man I married. His charming good looks and sleek physique couldn’t hide his shortcomings any longer. His narcissism clawed at the wound that was our marriage.

I climbed the stairs, my body screamed with each step. I felt like I had been torn apart and glued back together. It was hard to identify what hurt most—Walter’s betrayal or my own stupidity.

Outrage at his guile and duplicity pushed me up the stairs and into our bedroom. I stood in the darkened room with my fists clenched at my sides and wrath coursing through my veins.

“
I did this to me. I closed my eyes and ignored the signs. For what?” I shouted as I yanked open my closet door. I pushed aside the clothes and managed to drag the two large bags out of the closet and deposit them in the middle of the floor. The trappings of middle class were more than I could tolerate to stay in this marriage. Even protecting Crystal seemed to be less important as I threw my makeup bag into the opened suitcase.

It took over an hour to finish packing my toiletries. With frequent stops to massage my back, I finally threw the last of my things into the stuffed bag. I found a tissue on the nightstand and wiped my nose before plopping down on the edge of the bed.