Paper Chains (15 page)

Simon was nervous. His boss was going to hate him, he was certain of that. There was no one to replace him and he felt bad about that. But he couldn’t pass up this chance to see her again. He needed to know what her secret was and to help her with it, whatever it turned out to be. He squared his shoulders before he knocked on Angelo’s office door.

‘Come,’ called the voice from inside.

Simon pushed open the door and stepped into the room. ‘Angelo, we need to talk,’ began Simon.

‘Is about girl?’ Angelo asked in his thick Greek accent.

‘Yes, actually, it is,’ said Simon.

Angelo paused as he picked up a paper cup on his desk to take a sip. A second later he spat the liquid back into the cup with a disgusted look on his face. ‘This,’ he announced, ‘is not coffee. Has been here on my desk all morning. It is ex-coffee. Blah. Cold. Now, as for Simon and his girl. I know. I see it. Your face, it’s different. All mopey, all the time. Wah, wah, why doesn’t girl like me? Go.’

‘Umm, excuse me?’

‘Go. You go and find girl. And come back happy. I give her job too.’

‘Really? You don’t mind if I just take off? What about the boat, how will you manage on your own?’

Angelo shrugged. ‘These things, they work out. My wife, she is good woman. She will help. Go.’

When Simon continued to hesitate, Angelo picked up a stapler from his desk and hurled it at him. Simon ducked and then hurried out the door before his boss could throw any more stationery at his head.

She was in a small town just outside of Manchester when she realised something. India wanted to go home. The guilt about what she had done to Simon was making her feel lonely – lonely and homesick. And while there was no one waiting for her back at her home in Gingin, there were acquaintances, old friends who would welcome her back. It would be good to see a friendly face.

Most surprising was just how much she missed Hannah. She hadn’t expected that. God she hoped Hannah’s reunion with her family had gone well. On an impulse she decided to write Hannah a letter, something to check in with her. As she considered what she should say, she thought back to their first meeting and an idea struck her. Smiling to herself, she realised she was going to have to do a bit of research on the Internet to pull her idea together before she could send this letter off to Hannah – she was also going to have to use up a fair chunk of her savings, but why not? She had decided she had had enough of travelling now anyway, and she wanted to do something nice for Hannah – it might help to appease her guilt over Simon.

When she had finally pulled together all of the components for Hannah’s surprise, she hesitated over how to word the letter. In the end, she lied about where she was and how the idea had come about. For some reason she didn’t want Hannah to think of her, here in this tiny, rainy town, feeling lonely and a little lost. She wanted Hannah to think of her as some bohemian traveller, flitting around the world, continuing to make friends and hop across borders on a whim.

After she posted the letter she headed to a local Internet café to book her last plane ticket home.

Simon had to take a bus, a train and a boat to get himself over to London. He would have loved to have flown, he wanted to be there as quickly as possible, but his savings account didn’t have the funds to cover it just now. That’s why it was such a kick in the guts when he arrived at the Wanderers Hostel. Several backpackers were hanging around at some undercover tables out the front. Simon scanned their faces briefly as he passed by, but when he couldn’t pick out India’s face in the group, he headed on inside.

He approached a desk where a bored looking girl in a white singlet and bright green flares was inefficiently (due to the fact that she was continuing to stay seated with her feet up on the desk in front of her) folding sheets from a laundry basket by her chair. 

‘All right, love?’ she asked as she pretty much just balled up a fitted sheet and added it to the pile of messily folded linen.

‘Hi, I’m looking for someone who’s staying here. India Calder?’

‘You Simon then?’

Simon nodded, a smile beginning to form on his face. The girl unceremoniously dumped the sheet she had been in the middle of folding onto the floor, leaned forward and reached under the desk. When her hand reappeared she was holding an envelope. ‘She said to give this to you if you showed up.’

Simon’s face fell. ‘She’s gone, hasn’t she?’

‘Fraid so,’ the girl replied, not unkindly. ‘If it helps, she did look sort of tortured about it,’ she added matter-of-factly. Then she returned to her sheets. Simon walked slowly back out onto the street, where he tore open the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter inside. He was angry. No, that didn’t cover it – he was pissed off. Fed up. He’d just travelled for a day and a half to get here and the bloody woman had taken off on him again. God, he was a moron.

Never again
, he thought as he crumpled the letter in his fist and headed down the street to look for a pub where he may as well drown his sorrows.
Never again would he let himself fall that damn hard and that damn fast for a girl.

Maybe it was time to just give up and go back home to Sydney after all. Maybe he was bloody sick of travelling.

PART FOUR

Sydney as the seasons change

CHAPTER ELEVEN

When Hannah’s plane landed, she hung back and allowed most of the other passengers off first. A part of her wanted to just stay in her seat. Curl up and hide. Wait for the plane to turn around and take her back. She hadn’t realised how comfortable she had actually become in London.

So what now? When she got off the plane, walked through the airport and hailed a cab – then what? How did she begin to walk back into her life? Did she just turn up on the front doorstep?

Finally she stood up and began to head down the aisle – after all, she really had no choice. She was slowed by another passenger who was lagging behind the others – an older man in an untucked business shirt and jeans. He seemed to be having some trouble getting his bag out of the overhead compartment. He gave her an apologetic look when she reached him. ‘Sorry about this . . . stuck,’ he added unnecessarily.

‘No worries, let me give you a hand,’ she offered. As she tugged at his bag while he pushed from the other side, he chattered away to her. ‘Gosh that’s really lovely of you. Do you realise how many people just pushed past me? Everyone’s keen to get off the plane, I suppose. Family to see, or holidays to get to. You here on business or pleasure?’ he asked as they finally managed to dislodge the bag and it fell down between them.

Hannah paused, somewhat stumped by the question.
Neither
, she thought. Apparently she didn’t need to supply an answer though, as he simply continued on regardless. ‘Oh you’ll have a wonderful time anyway, beautiful girl like you with a heart of gold.’
Heart of gold? Hardly.

‘Sydney is a fantastic city,’ he finished with a grin.

From the airport she took the train to the city then walked down to Circular Quay. She was procrastinating, she knew – but really, she needed to prepare herself properly for this, and Circular Quay was the first place that came to mind. She wanted to see the harbour. She wandered up and down the curving footpath that followed the water’s edge with her backpack hoisted up on her shoulders and drank in the Sydney air. Storm clouds were gathering in the south, but the wind was surprisingly mild considering it was almost May. Soon, though, winter would begin its battle with summer for custody of autumn and the weather would turn icy.

Eventually she stopped by a payphone. She stared at it. She willed it to ring. She sent Liam a silent message. Figure it out. I’m here, I’m back. Can’t you sense how close I am?
Ring.
Ridiculous
.
It was time to grow up. If she couldn’t bring herself to just turn up at their home, then she may as well start with a phone call. She stepped up to the phone, found the right money – extracting the familiar dollar coins from among the last few pounds and pence she had in her wallet – and dialled.

Hannah stood still, listening intently to the crackling sound of the phone ringing. It rang six times before there was a click as someone picked up.

‘Hello?’ It was a woman’s voice. Hannah didn’t move, her entire body tensed.

‘Hello?’ repeated the smooth voice insistently. And then she heard it, the voice of a small child in the background, the voice of her small child. ‘Mummy!’ called the voice. She sounded happy. Happy and carefree. She had been wrong. She could never return to her family. Even if what India said was true, if she had never meant to stay gone . . . it was too late. She hung up before she could hear that woman’s voice again. That woman who had taken her place, just as she had intended that someone would. But she simply hadn’t thought it would happen so soon. She burst into tears.

He’s already met someone else. Already replaced me. And my Gracie is actually calling her mummy.
Instinctively she placed her hands against her gut, where pain had flared up, as though she had just run flat out and now she was trying to soothe a stitch. But then she realised that she was standing dead still, that she couldn’t have a stitch, that the pain wasn’t physical.

She didn’t want to think any more. She didn’t want to keep crying, her eyes felt drained. Instead, she needed to keep moving; it was the only thing she could think to do. Her children were okay. Just as she had planned, they were happy now. Her family had moved on. They were safe. India was right – she had sent that email to Liam with her new phone number as a way to keep some sort of link with her family. But that was selfish and stupid. She needed to close it down. Needed to stay away. She should have known when Liam sent her that text message that they truly were through.

She looked out across the water and saw a ferry slicing effortlessly through the churning foam towards her. A ferry.
Good. Fine
, she thought blindly. Buying a ticket to somewhere, anywhere, felt like the only option – just something to get her moving. She felt sick. She had made such a mess of everything. When she had boarded that plane to Sydney, it had felt like the right thing to do. But now that she was here, she had no idea what to do next.

Liam had met someone else. She let those five words hang for a moment in the air around her. Let them settle on her shoulders. Tried them on. Attempted to understand them. But they wouldn’t fit right and a small part of her thought,
No, surely she had it wrong, surely he hasn’t really moved on so soon?

But then she realised that Ethan would have already forgotten her. And Gracie would begin to forget, soon. And how could they ever forgive her anyway? She understood everything now. India was right – she had been suffering from postnatal depression. She had tried to deny this fact and hide her true feelings and eventually she had believed that running away was her only choice. She realised how senseless it all was. She should have just asked for help. But it didn’t change the fact that it was too late. And it didn’t change the fact that she was still messed up in the head. Beyond repair. That she was a danger to everyone she touched. That she was a walking disease. And as much as she was wishing for Liam to come striding towards her – to gather her into a hug and tell her it was all going to be okay, that he could fix everything – that wasn’t going to happen.

Liam sat down on the bed and placed his head in his hands. It still seemed to hit him like this every now and then – this startling realisation that his wife was gone. That Hannah had left him – alone with their two children – and he still just didn’t understand
why.
Why hadn’t she just talked with him? Why hadn’t she told him that she was unhappy? He could have helped if he had just known. He would have done anything for her. Taken time off. Moved house to . . . anywhere. For God’s sake, he would have sold his damn business if that were what it had taken. All she had to do was
say
something, instead of being this bloody superwoman all the time. And now it had come to this.

There was guilt as well though. Guilt for the part that he had played in all of this. Deep down, he’d known that something wasn’t right – and what did he do? He let her continue to push him away and he kissed another woman. He should have tried to talk with her sooner.

He stood back up determinedly. There was no point sitting here thinking over it all again; he’d covered this ground enough in the past month or two. And if he didn’t get moving, he wouldn’t have Gracie ready in time to be picked up for the birthday party. A small girl from Gracie’s preschool had invited her along to her fourth birthday party at Luna Park. It was the last place where Liam wanted to be, so when another one of the mums had offered to pick Gracie up and take her along for him, Liam had jumped at the chance.

Right, what did he need to pack in her backpack for the day out? He tried to work his way through his mental checklist –
spare change of clothes, drink bottle, snacks
– but at the sight of the bedside clock, tick, tick, ticking away, the minutes sliding effortlessly past, he lost his concentration.

‘Dammit!’ He turned and kicked their dressing table, hard. A small glass ornament of a ballerina wobbled and then fell, smashing on the tiled floor. That was Hannah’s. He’d given it to her on her twenty-fifth birthday. He swore and was about to bend down to pick up the pieces when Ethan’s cry began to echo down the hall. He huffed in frustration and turned to walk down the hall. At the same time as Ethan’s cries increased in fervour and volume, the doorbell rang.
Perfect
,
he
thought bitterly.
You know what, Han? I bloody well get it, I get what you were going through. I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me.

Liam pulled open the door with Ethan screaming in his arms.

‘Oh, darling, what’s up?’ said the preschool mum immediately, turning doe-like eyes on Ethan.

Liam racked his brain, trying to remember her name.
Donna? Diana?

‘Hi, Diane,’ Liam said uncertainly, standing back so she could step inside. ‘Deanne,’ she corrected. ‘Just call me Dee though. Can I take him?’ she added, reaching out for Ethan. Her own little boy was hiding behind her legs, squinting up at Liam distrustfully. Liam hesitated and then allowed Dee to extract Ethan expertly from his arms. She began to sway back and forth, cradling Ethan, and he stopped crying almost immediately.

‘Where have you been all my life?’ Liam joked with a sigh of relief at the blissful silence. He immediately regretted his words though when he saw Dee jerk her face up towards him, a wolfish glint in her eyes.
Oh shit, Dee wasn’t one of the divorced mums, was she?

‘Let me just go and find Gracie. She’s hiding in her room for some reason,’ Liam said quickly, and he headed down the hall to see what was going on with her.

Opening Gracie’s bedroom door, he scanned the room and then spotted the lumpy shape hidden under the covers on the bed. Liam walked over and sat down, pulling back the quilt. ‘Grace honey, Dee and Cody are here to take you to the party. Time to go.’

‘Don’t want to,’ Gracie replied.

‘What do you mean? You’ve been looking forward to this. You’ll have a great time!’

‘Nup. Not going.’

‘Why don’t you want to go, sweetheart?’

‘Want to stay here with you.’

‘Are you kidding me? How much fun are you going to have here at home with me? Ethan and I are just going to be doing boring stuff, like . . . like eating vegetables!’ he said.

‘I like veges,’ said Gracie stubbornly. ‘Don’t like Cody’s mummy,’ she added then.

‘Why not?’ Liam asked in surprise.

‘When she picks up Cody from preschool she always wants to blow my nose or brush my hair.’

Maybe Dee
was
planning on moving in on their family? Or maybe he was getting carried away and she was just trying to help out. Ever since Hannah had vanished, all sorts of people were constantly coming out of the woodwork offering advice and wanting to get involved – be that mother figure that his children apparently so desperately needed.

‘Right,’ said Liam, trying to think of how to solve the situation. But he had a feeling that there was only one solution. ‘Will you go to the party if Ethan and I come too?’ he asked tentatively.

Gracie’s face lit up. ‘Yes!’ she exclaimed at once.

‘All right, let’s get moving then. Looks like I’ve got to pack a few more things and we’re already running late. Will you help Daddy get organised?’

‘Mmmm,’ said Gracie, already leaping out of bed to reveal herself fully dressed in party mode, shoes and all.
Hmm, was this her plan all along?

The phone began to ring from the kitchen and almost immediately he heard Dee’s voice call down the hall, ‘Shall I grab that for you, Lee?’

Lee? What the hell? No one ever shortened his name
. And then he stifled a laugh as a thought crossed his mind. If Deanne was planning on making a move on him, was she expecting that they become some sort of cutesy rhyming couple – Dee and Lee?

‘That’s okay,’ he called back. ‘The machine can get it.’ But a moment later he heard her answer the phone anyway.
Ah
. Gracie suddenly reached out a hand to grab Liam’s arm. ‘Mummy!’ she exclaimed in excitement.

‘What?’ Liam said, confused.

‘That must be Mummy on the phone, calling to see if she can come to the party too!’ And before Liam could stop her, she turned and dashed from the room, calling down the hallway, ‘Mummy! Mummy!’

‘Gracie, wait!’ he said weakly, his heart breaking for her.

Dammit. That was his own stupid fault. In the early days when Hannah had first left, he jumped almost every time the phone rang. ‘Hannah?’ he would say into the receiver as he snatched it up, certain it would be her. So sure she would be phoning to tell him where she was, to say that she was ready to come back home. He hadn’t realised that he must have been doing that right in front of poor Gracie.

Back out in the living room, Liam smiled apologetically at Dee who had already hung up the phone. He placed a protective arm around Gracie’s shoulder who was staring from Dee to the phone and back again, a suspicious frown on her face, as though she thought Cody’s mum must have done something to make Hannah vanish from the other end of the line. ‘Change of plans,’ he said. ‘Looks like I’m going to be bringing the kids in after all. I’m so sorry you came out of your way to pick up Gracie for no reason.’