Pat Boone Fan Club (22 page)

SUE
MOMENTARILY
STYMIED
GIRL
REPORTER
and Pat Boone stare at each other.

“Numbers of votes,” Pat Boone admonishes. “No check.”

He crumples the printout and tosses it into the paper shredder.

GROOWWL!!
CLAAANK!!!

“I’m listed, according to
Billboard,
as number ten all-time recording artist. Forty-five million records. One hundred thirty al
bums. Thirty-eight Top 10 hits, gold and platinum.
What more can I do?
”

SUE
SYMPATHETIC
GIRL
REPORTER
both nods and shrugs. Not that she believes, philosophically, in what Pat Boone believes, but she believes in
him
, in his sincerity and commitment to wanting his own America back, the America he believes in, even though—outside of comic books and black-and-white
TV
sitcoms—his America never quite existed, even though he believes it did.

Nevertheless, Pat Boone is right: It should be only about the music.

“I devoted my whole life to music,” he says. “To doing good work. To trying to make a difference. To helping shape young lives.”

He places his palms together as if in prayer.

SUE
NEWLY
MINTED
CHEERLEADER
GIRL
REPORTER
says, “You made a difference to Lois Lane and, well,
me
. And after all, your recording career will ultimately include everything from
Pat Boone Sings the New Songs of the Jesus People
to
In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy
. To say nothing of ‘Tutti Frutti.’”

“Au rutti,” he whispers reverentially.

“Au rutti, indeed!”
SUE
GETTING
-
WITH
-
THE
-
PROGRAM
GIRL
REPORTER
says. “Let’s look at this objectively. Little Richard and Fats Domino know the truth—how you really helped their careers. Plus,
after fifty years you still have
fans!
How many other musicians have lasted this long in the business?”

“I’ve been very blessed.” Pat Boone nods.

“Maybe
that’s
more important than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, anyway?”
SUE
NO
-
LONGER
-
CYNICAL
GIRL
REPORTER
pleads.

As if he doesn’t hear her, Pat Boone says, “Sure, I never pierced my ears or did drugs, but
I wore black leather, too
.”

“Well,
if it’s that important
—we could try to start a groundswell of support! The
Daily Planet
could publish editorials! We could start a petition campaign on Facebook!
DC
Comics could publish
a special issue:
SUPERMAN
AND
PAT
BOONE
VS.
MICK
JAGGER
AND
THE
ROCK
AND
ROLL
HALL
OF
FAME!
”

Clark Kent and Lois Lane glance at Pat Boone and
SUE
OUTSIDE
-
AGITATOR
GIRL
REPORTER
. Thousands of readers of comic books now know that Superman
not only
scooped sand from the shores of the lake but also took a quick baptismal dip in the cleansing waters, thus converting into a
BORN
-
AGAIN
SUPERHERO!!
Now, fully on the side of Pat Boone’s
FAIR
AND
BALANCED
induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Clark Kent aka Superman prepares for a quick change in order to
CLACCK
POP
BOOOOM
through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and smash the building to smithereens.

“You think?” Pat Boone asks, his voice quavering with hope.

SUE
SUCCUMBING
GIRL
REPORTER
nods.

“But if I fail to be inducted yet again, I might begin to look like a fool . . .”

A
FOOL???!!!

YOOOWWZZZAAAAA!!!!

SUE
CRACK
-
INVESTIGATIVE
GIRL
REPORTER
cracks the case
!!!

!!!!NEWS
FLASH!!!!
::::

The wire services
light up your life
.
BEEP
BEEP
.
TYPO!
Correction: the wire services light up
with
life!

Dateline Metropolis:
SOMEONE
UPSTAIRS
,
WHO
SHALL
REMAIN
NAMELESS
,
CONFUSED
THE
ROCK
AND
ROLL
HALL
OF
FAME
WITH
THE
PAT
BOONE
SONG
“
FOOLS
HALL
OF
FAME
”
and he’s been inducted into the wrong hall??!!

Is it all a case of mistaken identity? Is Pat Boone’s publicity shot hung in the incorrect edifice?

SUE
EXHAUSTED
GIRL
REPORTER
’s success at unraveling the mystery feels hollow, however. Maybe this explanation is sufficient for the masses who rely on comic books and
FOX
-
TV
for their news, but surely it’s more complicated than a case of mistaken identity.

SUE
CONFUSED
GIRL
REPORTER
debates, not for the first time, the pros and cons of real people talking to fictional characters as well as real people who are fictionalized on pieces of comic-strip paper. Besides, she herself struggles with double-identity issues, having contracted this condition by existing, as it were, both inside
and
outside the pages of the comic book.
SUE
BLOODHOUND
GIRL
REPORTER
now, for the first time, considers the danger, when all is said and done, of such an existence. Would individual lives—and even the universe—be clarified by choosing one or the other? She flips through the
DC
comic looking at images of the young, innocent, future-before-him Pat Boone, fans swooning after his performance at the Rialto.

SUE
ABLE-TO-PREDICT
-
THE
-
FUTURE
GIRL
REPORTER
now realizes that the exact moment he, Pat Boone, steps from the pages of the comic book—once he has
free will
—once he’s able to speak his own mind, no longer controlled, as it were, by Jerome “Jerry” Siegel, then the proverbial #%&**# will hit the fan.

Siegel, creator and main writer of Superman comics, the son of Jewish immigrants from Lithuania no less, knows, after all, a thing or two about changing identities. He was also known, at times, by his less-Jewish-sounding pseudonyms Joe Carter and Jerry Ess and
was
, ironically,
POSTHUMOUSLY
inducted into the Will Eisner Comic Book Hall of Fame in 1992 and the Jack Kirby Hall of Fame in 1993.
But only posthumously.
So maybe he also knows a thing or two about hall of fame conspiracies and snubs?!

In short, the only solution for Pat Boone to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is to cloak his true, conservative Christian identity by remaining inside the pages of the comic book, consorting with ever-popular superheroes, where the future is knowable, where
GOOD
DEFEATS
EVIL
, or where Siegel and Superman will predictably map out his future. A future where it
always
remains the 1950s,
always
celebrates Pat Boone’s red-white-and-true-blue America. Where Pat Boone won’t get embroiled with hippies, the British invasion, hard rockers . . . where
he’ll never even meet Sarah Palin or be clutched to the heaving chests of the Birthers, the Tea Partiers, etc., etc., etc.

But Pat Boone, as if reading
SUE
WHO
-
WEARS
-
HER
-
HEART
-
ON
-
HER
-
SLEEVE
GIRL
REPORTER
’s mind, looks determined. “I yam what I yam,” he proclaims.

Aren’t we all?

Aren’t we all just superheroes but afraid to dash into the first phone booth we find, strip off our ordinary clothes, reveal our true, human selves, and speed-dial heaven? I mean, just try to even find a phone booth anymore.

Pat Boone stands as if to make a move, to step outside the comfy confines of the comic book. Sue, despite having looked up to, and needing, Pat Boone for years, now feels as if
she
is the one who needs to lend a helping hand to Pat Boone, to grasp
his
hand, pull him back inside the comic book, where time, blessedly, stands still, where no one ages or changes.

“I want to matter,” Pat Boone confesses, putting one foot outside the margins of the comic book . . .
and
right on a banana peel.

SUE
, whose role as
GIRL
REPORTER
dwindles to an end, solemnly turns to the final page.

Encore

After the election of Barack Obama as president, I dream I’m wandering a beach in Florida with Pat Boone. We reach a swampy inlet of water that we must cross in order to continue on. I’m not wearing shoes and worry I’ll be bitten by an alligator. Pat lifts me, safely carrying me to the opposite shore.

“I’ve been in love with you since junior high school, you know,” I say to him when he sets me down.

He nods. “I haven’t known you, though.”

“The Republicans lost the election because they lost their way trying to keep Terri Schiavo alive.” I refer to politicians who sued to keep this brain-dead woman on life support, against her husband’s wishes. I didn’t watch the Republican convention, but I read on the Internet that Pat Boone attended it.

“But what did you expect them to do?” he says. “Just let her die?”

The Florida sun reflects off sand and water. I look up at him, though it’s difficult to see his features in this dazzling halo.

“What would you do to keep
me
alive?” I whisper.

For you
, he says,
I would iron the night
.

About the Author

Sue William Silverman
’s memoir,
Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey through Sexual Addiction
, is also a Lifetime television movie. Her memoir,
Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You
, won the Association of Writers and Writing Programs Award for Creative Nonfiction. She is also the author of
Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir
, teaches at Vermont College of Fine Arts, and is a professional speaker (
suewilliamsilverman.com
).

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